sun1972 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Hey all Ive been with my partner for over 4 years now, we live about 3.5 hours apart. This makes seeing each other in the week almost impossible, we do spend every weekend and holidays together though without fail so probably spend half of the year together overall. Things when together are great- when apart we talk every day (morning emails at start of workday, dinnertime emails, phone calls every night)- sometimes it can be hard to think of things to talk about every single night but i dont think that signifies a problem...we are great together when not apart. Both of us have had our good jobs for 20 years or so now, so hence why this situation hasnt changed. She gave up her job to move in with a partner years ago, it went wrong within months and luckily she got her old job back- but understandably thats left her unwilling to do it again Weve looked at commuting, with petrol costs and the wierd pricing of train costs in the UK we found that moving half way would result in combined travel costs of about £700 a month ($1200) which we couldnt manage. Ironically we could manage if just one of us travelled because train fair doesnt increase much with distance- it would mean one person commuting 5 hours a day though. I finally decided id do the commute 3 or 4 months ago- as a short term solution while i looked for other work. We would move slightly closer to my current place of work giving me a 2.5 hour each way commute Unfortunately when i told her that, instead of being chuffed she revealed her feelings had 'faded over time' due to distance and wheeled out some cheesy lines about loving me but not being sure she was in love etc... We met, and literally within ten minutes we were as close as ever (closer!!) we just cuddled for 3 days) and she said she didnt know why she said that etc, she hoped i would forgive her etc... But it knocked my confidence a lot really... and while i would still do the commute short term i dont think id be willing to give up my job now...not because she isnt worth it! but because im worried i could give so much up... only to have her decide she has 'faded feelings' again a few months after moving in together and id have lost a good job for nothing. I was honest and told her that, and she said she would rather have what we have than nothing, though obviously it might not be enough for either of us in the future. But it seems like we are just marking time till things end - things are so good when together though. So - in my position would you just give up your job and go for it? Or would you be wary if you were told what i was told a few months back? Part of me knows this has no future as things are, but neither of us want to let go... Thanks
justwhoiam Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 So - in my position would you just give up your job and go for it? I would get married first, so that the situation is crystal clear in the couple and then get married and move. Or would you be wary if you were told what i was told a few months back? Look at her past relationships: did she fall out of love easily? Did it last? Ask her questions about you and her. You need to be sure about her feelings. But also look at how she's around you and other indicators. Does she behave as someone who's in love? Happy to see you? Or you're more of a routine now than anything else? You also need some excitement in your life, so make sure it's there. Not just thinking about practical things like commuting, work, money. 1
Author sun1972 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I would get married first, so that the situation is crystal clear in the couple and then get married and move. Look at her past relationships: did she fall out of love easily? Did it last? Ask her questions about you and her. You need to be sure about her feelings. But also look at how she's around you and other indicators. Does she behave as someone who's in love? Happy to see you? Or you're more of a routine now than anything else? You also need some excitement in your life, so make sure it's there. Not just thinking about practical things like commuting, work, money. Thanks for the response- To answer you, as far as relationships go she has had only 2 other longish relationships that i know of, A 5 year relationship 25 years ago And a 12 month relationship 10 years ago. Surprising for a 45 year old woman i suppose, but i think its bad luck on her part When together things are very good- we still do the new couple stuff, cuddling up at night, holding hands when out etc..theres less passion than four years ago- but id expect that and things are fine in that respect. Apart- well we talk a lot really..its generally me that makes the most effort in the apart contact though. I have asked twice in the last 4 months if any doubts about her feelings have resurfaced and she said no... i had no idea the bombshell was coming though last time. I think a talk where i suggest marriage and THEN move knowing we are more permanent is a good idea actually. We will be together this weekend as always so will discuss that idea thanks. 1
Author sun1972 Posted November 16, 2013 Author Posted November 16, 2013 reading his one year on, where we have just split, is kind of ...odd
HeavenOrHell Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 What happened in the end? It's not quite clear to me. Hope you are alright anyway.
Meadowgreen Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 Hey all Unfortunately when i told her that, instead of being chuffed she revealed her feelings had 'faded over time' due to distance and wheeled out some cheesy lines about loving me but not being sure she was in love etc... We met, and literally within ten minutes we were as close as ever (closer!!) we just cuddled for 3 days) and she said she didnt know why she said that etc, she hoped i would forgive her etc... But it knocked my confidence a lot really... and while i would still do the commute short term i dont think id be willing to give up my job now...not because she isnt worth it! but because im worried i could give so much up... only to have her decide she has 'faded feelings' again a few months after moving in together and id have lost a good job for nothing. I was honest and told her that, and she said she would rather have what we have than nothing, though obviously it might not be enough for either of us in the future. But it seems like we are just marking time till things end - things are so good when together though. So - in my position would you just give up your job and go for it? Or would you be wary if you were told what i was told a few months back? Part of me knows this has no future as things are, but neither of us want to let go... Thanks See, I could understand you hanging in there if she shared the same dedication and ardour that you obviously do for the relationship, but if she's already wavering, saying things like her feelings are fading, I would take that as a red flag. Basically, something's got to give. Like you I was in an LDR and it got to the point where either I or my boyfriend had to leave their abode for us to be together. Luckily my bf shared my desire to let the relationship progress and moved heaven and earth to be with me. From what you've told us, I'm just not sure this person would do the same for you - and damnit, she should! You deserve someone who thinks of nothing but working towards a future with you, regardless of what she's experienced in the past. Have a talk to her and tell her that her indecision has made you feel very insecure about stuff, and her lack of enthusiasm makes you feel like she doesn't care about the relationship. Seriously though, I think you'd be surprised to find that there are lovely, available women right on your doorstep, women you would not have noticed because you've been wrapped up in this person who can apparently take or leave you. I wish you the best of luck
Meadowgreen Posted November 18, 2013 Posted November 18, 2013 See, I could understand you hanging in there if she shared the same dedication and ardour that you obviously do for the relationship, but if she's already wavering, saying things like her feelings are fading, I would take that as a red flag. Basically, something's got to give. Like you I was in an LDR and it got to the point where either I or my boyfriend had to leave their abode for us to be together. Luckily my bf shared my desire to let the relationship progress and moved heaven and earth to be with me. From what you've told us, I'm just not sure this person would do the same for you - and damnit, she should! You deserve someone who thinks of nothing but working towards a future with you, regardless of what she's experienced in the past. Have a talk to her and tell her that her indecision has made you feel very insecure about stuff, and her lack of enthusiasm makes you feel like she doesn't care about the relationship. Seriously though, I think you'd be surprised to find that there are lovely, available women right on your doorstep, women you would not have noticed because you've been wrapped up in this person who can apparently take or leave you. I wish you the best of luck Erm, nevermind. Just seen that you guys have split already. Hopefully you can see it was the right thing to do. As you were
Author sun1972 Posted November 21, 2013 Author Posted November 21, 2013 What happened in the end? It's not quite clear to me. Hope you are alright anyway. We split 11 days ago, i ended it because there seemed no future, but regretted it before i got home. She seems to have had enough though, we still talk every night which i know is a bad idea, but we have never missed a day talking when apart so its a tough habit to break. If i moved right away, she would try again im sure of that..and i did look hard for work this last 12 months, even got offered one job But it is hard to leave work for someone who a little over a year ago told me she wasnt sure she was in love with me.. yes she said it was a mistake and apologized etc.. but that sort of thing sticks in your mind.
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