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Posted

So heres my story:

 

A year ago i met this girl,i liked her,fell in love and told her.And she was inlove with me too.We met through family friends,and she lives in Malaysia while i live in Singapore,so we dont really see each other much and havent had much opportunity to go on dates,except for 2-3 times.It was all great,until about 10 days ago.We went on another trip that our families had arranged to Korea,but she told me she had mixed feelings for me,and wasnt so sure about her feelings anymore.I told her that was normal,considering we hadnt even seen each other and the fact that feelings will fade away.My feelings were long gone for her,but i still loved her.On the trip she kept avoiding me,when i asked her why,she said she felt awkward and needed space.So on the whole trip i didnt interact with her AT ALL,which is quite screwed up.I didnt have any opportunities to nurture my love for her at all,and now i dont even know if i love her anymore.She told me she wouldnt give up on me.I wouldnt give up on her too,but i just dont know if i love her anymore.After the trip as usual,we text every night.And she just sounds so unenthusiastic now,like shes bored of me.I really like her and im not willing to give up on her if we've been through so much in the past year.So i have a few questions to ask:

 

1.How do u know if u really love someone?What are the signs?

2.Considering we hadnt really dated much..is this normal for us?

3.How do we get back on our feet again?

Posted

1.How do u know if u really love someone?What are the signs?

Different people love in different ways. So there is not one way. When you're in love you think of the other person all the time, you look forward to being with her, you feel you can't live without her... If all of that is just mild or you have mixed feelings, or on and off, you're not in really in love. Love, however, can come during the falling in love stage and after that. It's a deep bond/connection. It's the urge to spend your life with her. It shouldn't be selfish or only demanding, but also very giving.

 

2.Considering we hadnt really dated much..is this normal for us?
You're both very young. And flings can come and go, I guess. Also, you didn't take any action. She was probably let down or just gave up on the LDR.

 

3.How do we get back on our feet again?
Why don't you make any effort to come up with some idea and expect others to tell you what to do? Also, be prepared to let her go. The only thing that might be worth some trying is she let you know she doesn't want you to give up. I assume she wants to see some effort from you.
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Posted
Different people love in different ways. So there is not one way. When you're in love you think of the other person all the time, you look forward to being with her, you feel you can't live without her... If all of that is just mild or you have mixed feelings, or on and off, you're not in really in love. Love, however, can come during the falling in love stage and after that. It's a deep bond/connection. It's the urge to spend your life with her. It shouldn't be selfish or only demanding, but also very giving.

 

You're both very young. And flings can come and go, I guess. Also, you didn't take any action. She was probably let down or just gave up on the LDR.

 

Why don't you make any effort to come up with some idea and expect others to tell you what to do? Also, be prepared to let her go. The only thing that might be worth some trying is she let you know she doesn't want you to give up. I assume she wants to see some effort from you.

 

I did give it a lot of effort.In fact(not being bias to her or anything) I think I gave it more effort than she has.It's hard to explain,but she does see the effort I put in.

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Posted
Different people love in different ways. So there is not one way. When you're in love you think of the other person all the time, you look forward to being with her, you feel you can't live without her... If all of that is just mild or you have mixed feelings, or on and off, you're not in really in love. Love, however, can come during the falling in love stage and after that. It's a deep bond/connection. It's the urge to spend your life with her. It shouldn't be selfish or only demanding, but also very giving.

 

You're both very young. And flings can come and go, I guess. Also, you didn't take any action. She was probably let down or just gave up on the LDR.

 

Why don't you make any effort to come up with some idea and expect others to tell you what to do? Also, be prepared to let her go. The only thing that might be worth some trying is she let you know she doesn't want you to give up. I assume she wants to see some effort from you.

 

I did give it a lot of effort.In fact,(not to be bias or anything) I think I have an even bigger effort to her.I sacrificed a lot for her,I gave in to her a lot.If on the trip I didn't tell her that losing her feelings were normal,she would have given up a long time ago.I try very hard to rekindle that fire we once had.Sometimes she would be very loving to me,sometimes she is just bored.I really don't know what to do,that's why I'm seeking help here.

Posted

I am a little confused about why you think that it's "normal" to lose feelings and expect a relationship to continue--particularly in one as new as yours. It seems to me that if the two of you had a real connection, your feelings of longing for one another would be heightened, not diminished.

 

Sure, in a truly loving, long term relationship with someone you live with or see frequently, the initial "fire" of infatuation (limerence, I believe it's called) does subside while the feeling of love grows stronger. In your case, it sounds as though without the limerence, there isn't much left to sustain a relationship. That isn't anyone's fault and, frankly it isn't surprising since the two of you have spent very little time together and not had the opportunity to really fall in love. Sure, you may be attracted to and care about each other, but real love is developed by sharing experiences--good and bad--and by working together, learning from each other and getting to know each other's spirit, not just their words and thoughts.

 

It sounds as though your gf wants to end the relationship but is having difficulty standing up to your resistance to letting her go. If you really do love her, then listen to and really HEAR what she is saying without trying to dispel or minimize it. Be willing to let her go.

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Posted
I am a little confused about why you think that it's "normal" to lose feelings and expect a relationship to continue--particularly in one as new as yours. It seems to me that if the two of you had a real connection, your feelings of longing for one another would be heightened, not diminished.

 

Sure, in a truly loving, long term relationship with someone you live with or see frequently, the initial "fire" of infatuation (limerence, I believe it's called) does subside while the feeling of love grows stronger. In your case, it sounds as though without the limerence, there isn't much left to sustain a relationship. That isn't anyone's fault and, frankly it isn't surprising since the two of you have spent very little time together and not had the opportunity to really fall in love. Sure, you may be attracted to and care about each other, but real love is developed by sharing experiences--good and bad--and by working together, learning from each other and getting to know each other's spirit, not just their words and thoughts.

 

It sounds as though your gf wants to end the relationship but is having difficulty standing up to your resistance to letting her go. If you really do love her, then listen to and really HEAR what she is saying without trying to dispel or minimize it. Be willing to let her go.

 

I'm willing to let her go.But there's just something in me that says its not over yet for us..u know?

Posted

I wish I could help you... but I don't know her...

 

The first thing that comes to mind is... try to put some excitement into the relationship. If you know about anything that would make her really excited, go for it. If the general mood is sad or indifferent, it's hard to see all the rest positively, so that might work somehow. It's something to start from. Just an idea.

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