CanuckChick Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I apologize for the length of this post in advance, but please stick with it... I've been with my current boyfriend for about a year and a half. This is my first serious relationship, and we currently live together. The past few months, I have noticed a drastic change in his personality. He used to be really sweet and thoughtful, always wanting to spend time with me and he would do little things to make me smile. Over the summer, he started hanging out with a group of guys whose main priority is one night stands and getting stoned/wasted almost every night of the week. (Not really the type of guys one usually trusts). This was really out of character for my boyfriend to hang out with people like that, but it persisted, and now he hangs out with them nearly everyday of the week. Usually, some of the guys will be over at our house for 8 or 10 hours at a time. When my boyfriend goes to their houses, he doesn't come back until past 2am, and is almost always stoned. In addition, a few months ago I found out he had lied to me about some things regarding ex-girlfriends and other personal matters. No, he didn't cheat on me, but he certainly wasn't honest, and it was only by chance that I found out (He never had any intention of telling me). I believe a person has to earn trust, and my boyfriend still doesn't have my full trust. I've tried talking to him about this change in his personality, but he seems to think it's me that has the problem. In addition, my boyfriend NEVER takes me out on dates. He says that it's a money issue, but funnily enough he always has spending money for himself (cigarettes, junk food, alcohol, cover money for clubs which he goes to without me). I've tried proposing an idea of a date jar (He takes out the money I put in and uses it for himself), going to free events (like museums), or even just staying in and cooking or watching a movie together, but all of my ideas are shot down. I feel like him and I are constantly having the same argument. I stay home and take care of everything around the house, as well as going to university full time. I know that he is taking advantage of this- it's gotten so bad that both my friends and his are making comments about it. I love him very much, and he is the only person I want to be with; however, I can't help but feel sad when I look around at other couples we know. I feel like I keep talking and he never listens or is willing to make a change. We are currently living in our house until the end of April (when our lease is up) at which point I would have the choice to move out on my own and stay with him, break up, or renew our lease and give things another chance. I suppose what I'm asking for is some advice. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Please be honest! It's a tough decision (despite it being an obvious one) and it has been troubling me for a while. Thanks!
coffeebean201 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 This sounds like it is going to be a bit of a journey. He is coming home stoned on a regular basis. He has found some friends who also like to get stoned. And this hobby of getting stoned has come between the two of you.. Sounds like he has to clean up if he wants to be with you.
Author CanuckChick Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 This sounds like it is going to be a bit of a journey. He is coming home stoned on a regular basis. He has found some friends who also like to get stoned. And this hobby of getting stoned has come between the two of you.. Sounds like he has to clean up if he wants to be with you. He knows that I'm really upset and disprove of what's been going on. I know that I can't force him to change who he is, what suggestions do you have for the meantime? Any ways I can try to cope with this?
Treasa Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Ok, seriously, it sounds like this guy has checked out. And the more you try, the more he's going to pull away. Stop putting money into a date jar that he'll take from. Stop doing things for him. In fact, go completely quiet, get busy doing a lot of things on your own or with friends, and try not to be around. Don't tell him where you're going, don't be predictable. If he hasn't done a complete 180 by April, drop his ass and get your own place.
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) You're quite right. The decision seems obvious. To summarize-- Benefits to him: Clean, well-maintained home (i.e. free maid service)Meals (free cook)Readily available sex on demandHas someone who steadfastly dotes on him but requires less than zero effort on his part. He even gets to siphon off the money she sets aside for dates with him, and use it instead for his own personal entertainment needs, while ignoring her requests share time together. Gets to hang with womanizing, druggie friends doing goodness knows what and doesn't need to account for his whereabouts at odd hours of the early morning (e.g. 1 am) Cons to him: ??? Benefits to you: ??? Cons to you: you covered these in your post! Apologies, but what I'm about to say in response to your question will sound pretty harsh... As long as you are unwilling to respect yourself enough to walk away when someone mistreats you like this and takes advantage of your affection, things will continue to deteriorate. This is not a good man. Just because you have feelings for someone, doesn't make him right for you. Relationships are a two-way street. Yours has been one-way for quite some time...and he's only a boyfriend right now. Where would this go exactly? Either he'll unceremoniously dump you one day for one of the women he meets when out carousing with his new buddies and their ONS or you'll become the long-suffering doormat spouse/partner of an absentee man who can't respect you and does his own thing whenever wherever with zero regard for you. We teach people how to treat us, and you've done a very effective job. Even if he cleans up his act, he'll be right back at it as soon as you calm down. Seriously? Using your date money to go out on his own or with these womanizers? That's a guy who just truly doesn't care what you do anymore! You have to learn to develop your boundaries...and when to cut your losses rather than cling to something that's dead. Emotionally, he walked out of your relationship a long time ago. Your life. Your decision. You're in control of where things go. Good luck. Edited December 13, 2012 by Cutiepie1976
newmoon Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 if i were in your situation i would move out to get some distance away from him and this new lifestyle. it doesn't sound like the situation is hopeless romantically, but he'd need to work on upping his lifestyle i'd say. i'd also venture to say that what you are seeing now IS his true personality and that he was probably 'on good behavior' the past year to win you over and make the relationship work. what most people fail to realize it that it truly takes a year+ to see what a person is really like.
coffeebean201 Posted December 16, 2012 Posted December 16, 2012 I guess first comment is do you want a lifetime of this? Alcohol and drug problems are common, but it is unusual to choose someone who isn't even trying to manage or deal with their problem. If you make the decision to dump him and just stay for the remainder of the lease...e.g. coping.....then start rebuilding your life with a view that he won't be a part of it, e.g. increase your number of friends, make sure you look good, make it known that you are going to be dating other people soon....
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