Illyana Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 My biggest problem with my ex was that he took me for granted and we didn't want the same things. I KNOW I want kids in 4-6 years and he doesn't know if he ever wants kids. It is understandable. I know what I want out of a partner. He broke up with me because he felt he needed to work stress out in his life, like his depression, and the stress of a relationship is too much for him to handle with his own. We dated for 3 and a half years. Tomorrow is my birthday and he wants to see me friday. I'm afraid the topic will come up about us getting back together. A week ago he said he knows he took me for granted and I deserved to be treated better and he still loves me. I am afraid what everyone will think of me if I take him back. The only person who seems to support the idea is my dad. He says it is my life and if I try to make everyone else happy, I'll never truly be happy. The only thing I wanted out of my ex was for him to grow up. He has an unsteady job. I wanted him to have a steady one. I feel he is making progress to change. He put job applications all around town and oddly enough, he mentioned if I don't have kids by 27, he wouldn't mind being the father of my child/children. He would be there for the child no matter what. I was actually shocked and so was he that he would even say something like this. He knows I don't want to be any older than 27. He has been admitting to the mistakes he makes and it makes me really proud of him. I just don't want to be back together if he is going to fall into old patterns. The first year we dated, he went everywhere with me without complaints. He took me out all the time. If he didn't have money for xmas, he would find a way to get me the very best heart necklace out there. He was dedicated. That's what I loved about him the most. I still do love him and would want to have a family with him. He is truly an amazing person but sometimes, his actions make me lose sight of that and he loses sight of that as well. I know it would be tough and I don't know how I would handle relapses in his progress. It isn't fair to be "done" after one relapse but how many is too many? I know what you are thinking..why are you talking to your ex? We don't have the level of communication you expect. We haven't talked in a week or more. Our conversations have limits. One of the problems in our relationship was also communication. This was for both of us. We have both realized the flaw in that. We have been broken up for a month and I know it doesn't seem long but it has given me a lot of time for personal growth. I am not sure how he feels about himself though. I just don't know what to do.
tufa4311 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 <I am afraid what everyone will think of me if I take him back.> Please do not live your life and make important life decisions based on what other may think. Your Dad knows what he is talking about. <I just don't want to be back together if he is going to fall into old patterns.> Understandable, but you can never know if he will fall into old patterns without actually getting back together. Now, one always must look at the past and consider actions that have happened. The best indicator of the future in usually the past. But people do change, it takes a lot of work, but it can and does happen. Only you and the other people around him can determine how likely it is that he has made significant life changes. <how many is too many?> Yes, people do fall off the horse sometimes but a good indicator is if they get back up and continue moving forward. People will never always make progress without any hits but you need to determine if they are always moving forward, slowly but surely, after the hits. You also need to determine the cause of the hits. Sometimes they are slip ups by the person themselves, sometimes they are due to things outside of our control. You usually can know just by talking with them , just by seeing their actions if their intent is positive - intent is very important. Also ask yourself, what's more important to you: intent or success? What if he tries with all his will but fails? Is that good enough for you? Or must he succeed? Figure out where you are on this. The more you understand what you want and what you will accept the less chance you will have anger and frustration if you get back together - that is because you will have set your expectations based on reality and acceptance. <I am not sure how he feels about himself though> You will never know this for sure. The closest you will get is two fold.: just ask, ask him the questions you have. Second, you can get a good feel for this just by seeing how he lives his life on a daily basis. On additional point: one month is not a long time at all. I am not saying progress can't be made in 4 weeks but personal growth is a progression, really a way of living life. Whatever decision you guys make - take it easy on yourselves - you will need a lot more time to see significant life changes based on a personal growth you have taken on...
Cutiepie1976 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Illyana, Words are cheap. Actions speak volumes. If you need grown up and mature in a boyfriend, and that equals having a real job and getting his act together, then tell him you'll speak with him when he has those things secured and other tangible evidence that he has matured. He's not actually going to grow up until he has to and he wants to. Until then he'll talk up a good game. The only way you'll know which you have will be by tangible change. 1
jags2bowl27 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Illyana, Words are cheap. Actions speak volumes. Great post and this is all you need to know
Author Illyana Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Thank you all for your replies. They have helped my situation a lot. I haven't made any sort of final decision yet but I like all the support from you guys I have been given.
Caryopteris Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I think he may be a very nice guy, but not the guy you need. You want a lot of kids, so what you need is a guy that is just naturally more ambitious and who wants kids too. This guy isn't that into a career, and he will be very stressed when he has to be the provider. He will not handle it well and he will not be the same easy going guy you enjoy now. You should read about personality types. I think he is a white personality, but you are expecting him to evolve into an ambitious, workaholic red, or a dedicated, steady, focused, family-oriented blue. Hartman personality profile, The Color Code, is the book you could read. My biggest problem with my ex was that he took me for granted and we didn't want the same things. I KNOW I want kids in 4-6 years and he doesn't know if he ever wants kids. It is understandable. I know what I want out of a partner. He broke up with me because he felt he needed to work stress out in his life, like his depression, and the stress of a relationship is too much for him to handle with his own. We dated for 3 and a half years. Tomorrow is my birthday and he wants to see me friday. I'm afraid the topic will come up about us getting back together. A week ago he said he knows he took me for granted and I deserved to be treated better and he still loves me. I am afraid what everyone will think of me if I take him back. The only person who seems to support the idea is my dad. He says it is my life and if I try to make everyone else happy, I'll never truly be happy. The only thing I wanted out of my ex was for him to grow up. He has an unsteady job. I wanted him to have a steady one. I feel he is making progress to change. He put job applications all around town and oddly enough, he mentioned if I don't have kids by 27, he wouldn't mind being the father of my child/children. He would be there for the child no matter what. I was actually shocked and so was he that he would even say something like this. He knows I don't want to be any older than 27. He has been admitting to the mistakes he makes and it makes me really proud of him. I just don't want to be back together if he is going to fall into old patterns. The first year we dated, he went everywhere with me without complaints. He took me out all the time. If he didn't have money for xmas, he would find a way to get me the very best heart necklace out there. He was dedicated. That's what I loved about him the most. I still do love him and would want to have a family with him. He is truly an amazing person but sometimes, his actions make me lose sight of that and he loses sight of that as well. I know it would be tough and I don't know how I would handle relapses in his progress. It isn't fair to be "done" after one relapse but how many is too many? I know what you are thinking..why are you talking to your ex? We don't have the level of communication you expect. We haven't talked in a week or more. Our conversations have limits. One of the problems in our relationship was also communication. This was for both of us. We have both realized the flaw in that. We have been broken up for a month and I know it doesn't seem long but it has given me a lot of time for personal growth. I am not sure how he feels about himself though. I just don't know what to do.
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