Does it make sense to beg my hubby for sex? I feel really bad.

[Kissjen]

Hi I have no one to talk to about this kind of matter. Please give an ear.

I'm 23 and so is my handsome husband.

We are married for a little less than 1 year but my husband doesn't want to make love with me.

He says that he gained much weight in his belly that he doesn't feel confident about himself.

It's true he's not as attractive anymore but it's because he sits all day at work.

I call him my teddy bear and embrace his new round shape. He's still cute in my eyes.

 

I understand he works hard everyday but it is too hard for me to skip sex everyday. When I start flirting him, he avoids me and says he's tired. I get hurt by that.

I'm 5'4 125lbs. Guys ask me if I have a boyfriend at random places like supermarket, mall, plaza, workplace, and etc

At work I make it known that I am married and my handsome husband used to be a wrestler, but still a couple of guys try to flirt.

Being an attractive girl, it hurts my ego when my husband rejects me.

I love him and want to touch him and be touched.

I'd be happy if we can enjoy time on bed 3 times a week.

These days we have sex once a week at most.

Sometimes he gives in and makes a quickie but that's far from satisfying.

I talked to him about this matter and he made me look bad.

He said so its all about sex right? That's what this is all about.

I feel like he's saying I'm a sex addict and was hurt. I don't want to talk to him about this matter just to hurt myself more.

Before marriage, we didn't have sex. I didn't know I would have this kind of trouble.

He's a nice person really. I love him. But I'm afraid if this situation continues, I'll be tempted to cheat on him.

Please advise me.

[Cealabeala]

Hello, sorry to hear about your problem.

 

I understand that it hurts to be rejected when you want sex, especially because there's a gender stereotype that men are the ones who always want sex and women are the ones who "fake headaches". But think about how much worse he must feel when he refuses you, he must feel like less of a man, along with feeling low about his body.

 

I think it's important to try not to get frustrated with him because it'll lead to a vicious cycle, especially if he's eating out of comfort. You know deep down that he still finds you attractive, it's himself he's unhappy with.

 

My advice would be to try your best to be very patient with him and understand that he's having a tough time. I'd also recommend leaving out the "teddy bear" comments, though I know you mean well. Try to make him think you see him as your manly husband. Don't put pressure on him to sleep with you and instead try to gently encourage him to maybe eat a bit better and get some exercise. Maybe you two could go to the gym together? It could be his new years resolution to get back in shape.

 

If he doesn't seem to be thinking about doing this then you could suggest it to him, but make sure you're clear in telling him that it's not because you're not attracted to him but because he seems unhappy at this weight, and you just want him to be happy.

 

I know it's hard not having sex, but is it really worth losing your marriage for? Because that's what will happen if you cheat. Marriage is about sticking with someone through good and bad times, and only having sex once a week isn't a valid excuse to cheat in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

[ljpaterson]

I have the same thing! I gained some weight and it makes me want to have sex less too. just like your husband. I LOVE what you said about you embracing his new shape. You are a really great person. I'm sure he loves that.

 

All that I can really say is just to keep telling him he is really attractive, and try to start out with some foreplay. That's what works with me. When I have to just whip my shirt off right away, I feel really embarrassed about my tummy but when there are some kisses and cuddles, it comes off a lot easier!! And when he is touching me all over, it makes me feel comfortable and happy.

[standtall]

kissjen..the internet porn detector is going off.

[BetheButterfly]

Hi I have no one to talk to about this kind of matter. Please give an ear.

I'm 23 and so is my handsome husband.

We are married for a little less than 1 year but my husband doesn't want to make love with me.

He says that he gained much weight in his belly that he doesn't feel confident about himself.

It's true he's not as attractive anymore but it's because he sits all day at work.

I call him my teddy bear and embrace his new round shape. He's still cute in my eyes.

 

I understand he works hard everyday but it is too hard for me to skip sex everyday. When I start flirting him, he avoids me and says he's tired. I get hurt by that.

I'm 5'4 125lbs. Guys ask me if I have a boyfriend at random places like supermarket, mall, plaza, workplace, and etc

At work I make it known that I am married and my handsome husband used to be a wrestler, but still a couple of guys try to flirt.

Being an attractive girl, it hurts my ego when my husband rejects me.

I love him and want to touch him and be touched.

I'd be happy if we can enjoy time on bed 3 times a week.

These days we have sex once a week at most.

Sometimes he gives in and makes a quickie but that's far from satisfying.

I talked to him about this matter and he made me look bad.

He said so its all about sex right? That's what this is all about.

I feel like he's saying I'm a sex addict and was hurt. I don't want to talk to him about this matter just to hurt myself more.

Before marriage, we didn't have sex. I didn't know I would have this kind of trouble.

He's a nice person really. I love him. But I'm afraid if this situation continues, I'll be tempted to cheat on him.

Please advise me.

 

Please don't cheat on him, and please don't beg.

 

My advice is to tell him something like the following:

 

"When I married you, I thought we would have sex. Sex is a part of our marriage covenant. Our marriage is not a marriage without it."

 

I would also plan to divorce. For me personally, I couldn't be in a sexless marriage or a just a quickie once a week sexual life at the age of 23 or now. I am 35 now and am happily married to a man who loves sex with me. That is incredibly important to me. I would not be happily married if he didn't enjoy making love with me. I would be very unhappy and very upset.

 

Divorce is a serious thing; I understand that. However, I have heard of so many miserable marriages and people whose love has died because they are not nurturing and feeding the love. Sex feeds the love in many marriages. Without sex, love can die or starve in many marriages. Unless the couple has agreed to no sex, one of the couple denying sex can and does severely hurt the love.

 

Love needs to be fed, nurtured, and protected. Please do not suffer in silence as the years pass by and you become old and bitter. Please instead nip this in the bud right now. Marriage is important for it to be healthy. Please take steps to file for divorce and be honest about the reason. Before telling others, tell him, "I am going to make arrangements to divorce you because I need a husband who loves me AND loves having sex with me." Hopefully he will grow his balls and decide to "be a man" (lol that's such a funny expression) and to lose whatever is causing him to not make love to you!

 

if you do nothing though, he will think it's fine for you to suffer without enjoying sex while he does nothing. That's not love on the part of either you or him. You didn't sign up for a sexless marriage, and it is unloving of him to think it's fine to let you be without it. To me, being a sexless marriage would be like being in a lovely place with no air. As a human being, I tend to need air to breathe. In my marriage, I need sex. The only reasons I would stay in my marriage if my husband could or I could not have sex with each other is if:

 

1. He or I were physically (doctor-acknowledged) unable to have sex, like if we were paralyzed down there.

 

That's it.

 

I love my husband very much, and he loves me. Having sex is important to both of us. Denying each other is unthinkable. I don't even deny him when I have a headache, because for me personally, sex helps cure my headache!

 

So, don't just do nothing. Seriously consider divorce. Hopefully he will realize how important sex is to you and decide to be the knight in shining armor that sweeps you off your feet and leaves you breathless and hungry for more of his lovemaking!!! If he doesn't, that's his decision but you don't deserve being stuck in a sexless marriage. Please don't consider cheating. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, yet doesn't want to divorce, see if he's open to you having sex with other guys. However, I think that would be a horribly complicated situation where you could grow in loving another guy and totally lose whatever respect you have for your husband. I personally don't recommend that route. I recommend divorce and I hope he becomes your sexual knight who rescues y'all from divorce!!!

[alexandria35]

Hate to say it but I'm kind of leaning towards agreeing with Beth on this one. The first two responses were clearly from women who were looking at the problem from a women's POV. Women may feel unattractive and therefore avoid sex. Women may respond sexually to foreplay and compliments but a man is a different creature entirely when it comes to sex. Either your husband has an exceptionally low sex drive or he has some kind of addiction to porn or some other deviant sexual behavior. I doubt that how attractive he feels actually has much to do with his sex drive. I have been with men who have healthy strong sex drives and I've been with men who have very low libidos. The men who have strong sex drives are not detered by how much weight they have gained or how attractive they feel they are to their gf/wife and the guys who have low sex drives don't suddenly turn into sex hungry men when they lose a few pounds and feel attractive.

 

Furthermore your husband has some problems with honest communication. Rather than hearing what you are saying about how you feel and showing a willingness to work on the problem with you, he instead twists things around to make you feel bad and wrong for wanting to have sex with him, your husband. I'm not saying you should run right out and file for divorce tomorrow but you should make it clear to him that this isn't acceptable to you and you are thinking about leaving him before you do something stupid like cheat on him. Tell him you don't want to hear anymore crap about how you only care about sex, that you're not interested in that flimsy argument and you only want to discuss possible solutions. You may have to accept that your husband just isn't all that interested in sex and that is probably not going to change but he could still make the sex that you do have better and more satisfying for you. If this comes down to low libido you have to ask yourself seriously if you can stay in the marriage with little to no sex and if your answer is no then you should divorce because cheating will only cause all kinds of damage.

[Kissjen]

I really appreciate all your thoughtful answers.

Thank you. Being able to express my feelings and being heard is already a great relief for me.

It's almost impossible to talk to my husband about my feelings.

The way he reacts is quite different from other people.

He thinks I'm immature to be hurt by his words easily and starts to compare me with some maried women that are older. Saying that I should be like them.

I wish I wouldn't feel hurt. It's not just sex but his words that wearies me most.

 

I wish I can tell him that I would consider leaving him.

However that's not really an option. I'm trying to survive in this relationship.

Your answers pursuaded me that cheating is even worse than divorce.

Even if my husband continues to have low libido, only if he'd be considerate of me and be willing to listen to me, I'll be happy.

Both of us are young. I'm trying to see our relationship from outsider point of view.

I'm trying to understand and find a resolution.

Your support is of great help.

My husband says he does love me. He hugs me and kisses me even when I shy away. He is just incapable of listening and communicating.

How should I do this.... Men and women are different in many ways.

I hope some of you have experience of having a spouse who is hard to talk to.

Please advise me.

[sweetkiwi]

I was there at your age too. My man wouldn't have sex with me no matter what i did. In your case it sounds like he's experiencing a chemical imbalance coupled with low self esteem.

 

Body fat produces estrogen. The more you have the more estrogen you produce. Estrogen causes humans to be hungrier and more emotional than usual. He's stuck in a cycle.

 

Don't beg. Don't push. Suggest activities together. Bond. I am sure he doesn't see you as a sex fiend. Try to remain calm and get back to where you were before this added stress.

[Cealabeala]

Either your husband has an exceptionally low sex drive or he has some kind of addiction to porn or some other deviant sexual behavior. I doubt that how attractive he feels actually has much to do with his sex drive. I have been with men who have healthy strong sex drives and I've been with men who have very low libidos. The men who have strong sex drives are not detered by how much weight they have gained or how attractive they feel they are to their gf/wife and the guys who have low sex drives don't suddenly turn into sex hungry men when they lose a few pounds and feel attractive.

 

Libido can be altered by low mood in both men and women. It can also be affected by medication.

[BetheButterfly]

I really appreciate all your thoughtful answers.

Thank you. Being able to express my feelings and being heard is already a great relief for me.

It's almost impossible to talk to my husband about my feelings.

 

I am sorry it's almost impossible to talk with your husband about your feelings. Hopefully with time and getting to know each other better and your love growing, that will change.

 

The way he reacts is quite different from other people.

He thinks I'm immature to be hurt by his words easily and starts to compare me with some maried women that are older. Saying that I should be like them.

 

Well, you are not another person. You are you, and he should value you for who you are and what makes you unique. I hope he grows in understanding that.

 

I wish I wouldn't feel hurt.

 

It's not your fault that it hurts you. Feelings are a natural part of being human. We're not robots and I personally don't think we need to try to be robots.

It's not just sex but his words that wearies me most.

 

Understood. I'm sorry.

 

I wish I can tell him that I would consider leaving him.

However that's not really an option. I'm trying to survive in this relationship.

 

May I ask why it's not an option?

 

Your answers pursuaded me that cheating is even worse than divorce.

 

That is what I believe yes. However, honesty and faithfulness are very important to me. Divorce is an honest answer because it terminates the promise to be faithful to one another (the promise of faithfulness is a given in many marriages). However, if your husband has no problem with you having sex with another man, then there would be no need to eliminate the promises you made in your marriage covenant to him.

 

E

ven if my husband continues to have low libido, only if he'd be considerate of me and be willing to listen to me, I'll be happy.

Both of us are young. I'm trying to see our relationship from outsider point of view.

I'm trying to understand and find a resolution.

Your support is of great help.

 

Well, since you say that divorce or separation isn't an option, Sweetkiwi's advice is great. I hope that you take it and that it works!

 

My husband says he does love me. He hugs me and kisses me even when I shy away.

 

Why do you shy away?

He is just incapable of listening and communicating.

How should I do this.... Men and women are different in many ways.

I hope some of you have experience of having a spouse who is hard to talk to.

Please advise me.

 

My husband is not hard to talk to, but one of the reasons why is because he has seen his parents communicate and learned a lot from both the positives and the negatives in their conversations that he has witnessed.

 

My advice is to find couples who are older who have great chemistry and who you can tell truly love each other, adore one another, and have great conversational skills, and hang out with them with your husband. Hopefully your husband will learn from the example of these older men who can listen and communicate very well with their wives.

[Clockwork]

It could possibly be that he is stressed out and has...........(ahem)........current issues down there. It happens, even to young guys. I took Viagara a couple of times when I was 23 years old. I was with a girl that I couldn't "get up" with and I was so embarassed I actually never got together with her again. She wasn't the right fit anyway, but that wasn't the point. It ruined my confidence. I overanalyzed it all the time. I didn't wake up with an erection like I would normally do. I NEVER had an erection for 3 months. No kidding. I would try to as well but couldn't get it up on my own. So I went to the doctor and was able to eventually get some Viagara. It worked and I got rolling again and met a girl a week later.

 

But this could be happening to your husband as well. If he gained weight he could have gotten a confidence problem and maybe he thinks the disparity between how good looking you are and how good looking he feels is too big. That can affect a guy's drive.

 

So if it isn't that I don't know what else to tell you. A guy that young wants sex constantly and doesn't need to constantly be pestered about it.

[BlueStone]

Can you talk him into therapy? I know it can be hard with some man because they feel that therapy won't solve anything. Also, he might have homosexual feelings or just not interested in sex. Anyway, you deserve to see clear and know what will be your future.

Edited December 13, 2012 by BlueStone

[Mr. Lucky]

kissjen..the internet porn detector is going off.

I agree he's hiding something and it certainly could be porn.

 

kissjen, you said you didn't have sex before you were married. Do you mean just with him or was he your first? And even more importantly, do you know his sexual history before he met you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Kissjen]

Thank you so much for your care. I'll take your advice in hanging out with older couple.

I opt out divorce because of my experience and belief.

I think if I give up because I can't get along with him, I would most likely to give up on other men. My mom always had the same kind of problem with her men. So it's not guaranteed that my future will be brighter with other guys.

I love my husband and I know my husband loves me.

I want to be together even if it hurts. Separating with him would hurt me more.

The reason I shy away is that he usually hugs me and kisses me when I'm kind of upset at him.

Actually I saw him getting excited down there when I'm mad and shy away from him.

I was and still am confused but I don't want to sleep with him when I'm mad!!

I'm also thinking about writing him letters. Hopefully he understand English better in written language.

Ill also try to exercise with him. It's just that I myself hate gym or running!!

Thanks to all you guys. Ill also think about getting him Viagra.

[Kissjen]

Well, Mr Lucky,

Well, I didn't have sex with him before marriage even though he would kiss me or touch me.

You can say he was my first.

It was an agreement between us because we were thinking about getting married.

I do not know his sexual history. I know he did have a girlfriend for two years in high school.

The thing is that i really don't want to know. lol

[whichwayisup]

If he really feels badly about gaining weight and feels insecure about his body, then since you are his wife, be loving and supportive when you say this to him, but basically he needs to work out, walk or go jogging, do more exercise or find a sport (hockey, basketball ,squash) something that will get out out and about to lose weight. This isn't just about sex, it's his overall mental and physical health as well.

 

Go walking together in the evenings..Leave him love notes, do nice things for him, make him feel loved and needed. Maybe that will help him feel more secure since he isn't feeling good about himself anymore. Also, he needs to see his Dr just to make sure all is okay..Health wise.

 

Don't cheat on him, ever. That is not the way to handle this! Running away into the arms of another man will only create more problems, as well as making you a cheater, going against your marriage vows.

[LoveMyWifey]

I have a high sex drive but have only ever experienced a low one 2 times in my relationship with my wife.

 

I had a serious computer gaming addiction and I was more devoted to the games than my wife.

 

The 2nd time was when my wife came to me and explained that we hadn't has sex in over a month and I didn't even realise it. I worked alot and we didnt have days off work together but the biggest reason was that my anti-depressant prescription was high enough to reduce my libido.

 

I reduced it and came back into bed.

 

I personally beleive that there is much more to your husband than he lets you know. Secrets can destroy marriages and he is not telling you everything. I may be wrong and he may have a low libido but I have not honestly met a man who does have a low one.

 

My wife and I have came close to seperating a few times, most without me even knowing she was unhappy or was thinking of leaving. Do not cheat. Just dont. The biggest hurt you can inflict is to cheat. You are married now, you have a responsibility to do everything you can do to resolve your marriage problems.

 

If he is hurting and want to be in his cave, let him be and be supportive. If the marriage is basically ok outside of ther bedroom than he is hiding something.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, Mr Lucky,

Well, I didn't have sex with him before marriage even though he would kiss me or touch me.

You can say he was my first.

It was an agreement between us because we were thinking about getting married.

I do not know his sexual history. I know he did have a girlfriend for two years in high school.

The thing is that i really don't want to know. lol

It may be an important piece of information. For instance, if he was sexually active with previous partners, that would be in contrast to his actions with you. Conversely, if he has a very low drive or was asexual, then you might be experiencing his norm. He could be hiding anything from childhood abuse to porn to bisexuality to another woman. Knowledge is power and, if you really want to fix things, you're going to have to ask some questions. Some sort of therapy, IC or MC, would probably be the best setting for dealing with this. Good luck and let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[seren]

There are, as posters have discussed, a whole lot of reasons why someone doesn't feel the need for sex, however, to have a happy marriage both of you would need to be happy with that. Not having sex can become the norm in a relationship and while it can be OK for some, it clearly isn't for you, nor should it have to be. You have both been married such a short time and are young, I think if this isn't sorted now, it will continue and that isn't how a happy relationship thrives.

 

There are obvious reasons that might apply, namely, lack of self esteem, depression, stress, not feeling good enough, not feeling he is good enough at sex, not feeling good enough for you, weight gain, low libido due to lack of testosterone, the more he feels pressured, the less he will want sex and maybe blame himself for not fitting the male stereotype of wanting sex constantly.

 

How to deal with it? well, talking is the first step, tell him you miss him sexually ask if there is anything bothering him, and then leave it for him to talk. Do this when intimate, by that I mean cuddled on the sofa or lying in bed on a weekend, or even in the dark if he finds it hard to talk. If the reason is chemical then medication can help, if it is emotional perhaps making him feel good about himself, praise, affection that is non sexual. I am sure you will have done most of this.

 

Make sure to have date nights, you say that when you get mad or upset I wonder if this is his cue to 'make it allright' and is due to him feeling more 'manly' and in charge then. Either way, if it isn't sorted it will drift and that would be sad as an intimate relationship within marriage is wonderful. You have needs too and if you deny them just to keep him happy, in time you might resent him. I hope you both get this sorted soon. Take care xx

[BetrayedH]

Hello, sorry to hear about your problem.

 

I understand that it hurts to be rejected when you want sex, especially because there's a gender stereotype that men are the ones who always want sex and women are the ones who "fake headaches". But think about how much worse he must feel when he refuses you, he must feel like less of a man, along with feeling low about his body.

 

I think it's important to try not to get frustrated with him because it'll lead to a vicious cycle, especially if he's eating out of comfort. You know deep down that he still finds you attractive, it's himself he's unhappy with.

 

My advice would be to try your best to be very patient with him and understand that he's having a tough time. I'd also recommend leaving out the "teddy bear" comments, though I know you mean well. Try to make him think you see him as your manly husband. Don't put pressure on him to sleep with you and instead try to gently encourage him to maybe eat a bit better and get some exercise. Maybe you two could go to the gym together? It could be his new years resolution to get back in shape.

 

If he doesn't seem to be thinking about doing this then you could suggest it to him, but make sure you're clear in telling him that it's not because you're not attracted to him but because he seems unhappy at this weight, and you just want him to be happy.

 

I know it's hard not having sex, but is it really worth losing your marriage for? Because that's what will happen if you cheat. Marriage is about sticking with someone through good and bad times, and only having sex once a week isn't a valid excuse to cheat in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

 

This is a great post.

 

I also think that you can communicate that you interest in sex isn't so much about wanting to get off as it is about feeling desirable and being desired by your husband. You're feeling rejected. He will likely empathize with not feelig desirable as that sounds like what he's experiencing at the moment.

[NervisPervis]

kissjen..the internet porn detector is going off.

 

My gay-dar is going through the roof.

[BetrayedH]

I can understand you not wanting to be intimate when you're mad. I would add to what another poster (Seren, I think) said about your husband's perspective. I think I had a tendency to do the same thing with my wife. If my wife and I had an argument, I would fairly quickly come to realize that the content of the argument was far less important to me than the disconnect it was creating with my wife. I could pretty quickly switch gears from fighting to wanting to make love to her because whatever it was about wasn't as important as my relationship with her. I was more interested in reconnecting. My wife didn't get that at all. I think she thought I was crazy.

 

I get that it is tough to change gears. And it's a lot to ask to go from fighting to lovemaking. But you may want to consider that his interest in making love then is not some horndog move but an indicator that he loves you more than he loves being right or winning the argument. Make-up sex can also be pretty powerful stuff. Next time you have an argument, maybe consider just letting it go and give it a try. After all, I suspect that your relationship with your H is more important than the stupid argument to you, too.