Glove_slap Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 this girl that i've been seeing has been with a few guys. 9 including me. she's made out with a lot of guys and had a crazy fun past too, like partying and clubbing a lot. I really like her and she's really amazing but does have her own issues. its wrong to hold onto the past i know but that's just the way i am, i'm really trying to overlook it all but i always just imagine her making out with different guys and its just gross to me. anyways, the big thing that bothers me is that when we first started seeing one another - 3 weeks after that - she went to a party and made out with a guy on her way home. this is not the past which im not a part of, this is the present, or was the present which involved me. we got into a fight about it and she apologized a lot. can you blame me for thinking about her past so much if her past is creeping up on me? i like this girl, i want to give her a chance, and i just dont want to leave her just like that over stupid mistakes. the problem is on both sides - her past creeping up into her present which involves me, and me not having the strength to overlook it all. wtf do i do ??
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Can I ask you a question? How was your relationship with your mother growing up? How old are you btw? Was your dad around?
ThaWholigan Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 this girl that i've been seeing has been with a few guys. 9 including me. she's made out with a lot of guys and had a crazy fun past too, like partying and clubbing a lot. I really like her and she's really amazing but does have her own issues. its wrong to hold onto the past i know but that's just the way i am, i'm really trying to overlook it all but i always just imagine her making out with different guys and its just gross to me. anyways, the big thing that bothers me is that when we first started seeing one another - 3 weeks after that - she went to a party and made out with a guy on her way home. this is not the past which im not a part of, this is the present, or was the present which involved me. we got into a fight about it and she apologized a lot. can you blame me for thinking about her past so much if her past is creeping up on me? i like this girl, i want to give her a chance, and i just dont want to leave her just like that over stupid mistakes. the problem is on both sides - her past creeping up into her present which involves me, and me not having the strength to overlook it all. wtf do i do ?? It's not the past you need to worry about, it was that present moment when she kissed another dude 3 weeks after you started seeing each other. How old are you guys anyway? 9 guys isn't that much IMO but if it bothers you, then you probably shouldn't be with her. I know you like her and that will be hard to hear, but you will struggle to get over it unfortunately. 1
aed Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 this girl that i've been seeing has been with a few guys. 9 including me. she's made out with a lot of guys and had a crazy fun past too, like partying and clubbing a lot. I really like her and she's really amazing but does have her own issues. its wrong to hold onto the past i know but that's just the way i am, i'm really trying to overlook it all but i always just imagine her making out with different guys and its just gross to me. anyways, the big thing that bothers me is that when we first started seeing one another - 3 weeks after that - she went to a party and made out with a guy on her way home. this is not the past which im not a part of, this is the present, or was the present which involved me. we got into a fight about it and she apologized a lot. can you blame me for thinking about her past so much if her past is creeping up on me? i like this girl, i want to give her a chance, and i just dont want to leave her just like that over stupid mistakes. the problem is on both sides - her past creeping up into her present which involves me, and me not having the strength to overlook it all. wtf do i do ?? You found yourself an 'easy/free'girl But when you where together and she made out with an other guy. In my book that is called cheating! Also you never see that people like that make a life changing epiphany in one week. So the problem you have with someone's past is 90 out of 100 because of there current behavour that is always on the edge of your boundaries! Mabey you should read this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/360962-finding-hard-settle-down (not saying your girl is like this!!! But it shows that almost al people have trouble with changing habits (Amazon.com: The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business (3520700000553): Charles Duhigg: Books)
Author Glove_slap Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Can I ask you a question? How was your relationship with your mother growing up? How old are you btw? Was your dad around? my parents were always together but separated. they fought a lot and i fought a lot with my father. i even tried to run away from home a few times. i'm a lot older now and love both my parents to death- they managed to work out their issues and now we all live together.
TooPatient Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Prepare for a possible ***** storm. I learned the hard way on another site not to be negative towards a woman's past endeavors. You must be younger b/c 9 isn't too many. Dating/life adds up. There is a major issue tho. How did you find out about this? She came clean on her own? I'm assuming you're still keeping her around since you're looking for input. The short of my opinion: Unless you guys were NOT clearly together, I'd be done with her. You're here because you care. Follow your gut. This is sounding like the kind of girl that can really mess some guys up. I feel like I'm telling someone about heroin addiction who has already taken their first taste...but maybe comparing this girl to heroin is a bit drastic...
Cealabeala Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I have a few questions. 1. How do you know about her past? Did you ask her, did she tell you, or have you just heard rumours? 2. Had you established that the relationship was exclusive when she kissed another guy? The second question is quite important, because in my opinion, a three week relationship isn't that serious and if you hadn't had the "other people" talk, I don't think her behaviour is an indication that she is a cheater. The answer to the first question says a lot too, because if you asked for a detailed account of her sexual history, the issue is really all yours to work on. I personally can identify with the feelings of jealousy when thinking about my partner with exes ect. but not thinking about it constantly or looking at them like they're contaminated or something. I've learned that the best thing to do is NEVER ASK. On the other hand, if it's just rumours, it could all be untrue and cleared up BY asking. The other possibility is that she told you without being asked to test your reaction. Some people enjoy their partners jealousy because it makes them feel desirable. If she's constantly bringing it up it's understandable that you feel jealous. However, if that's not the case then again, I think the problem is your own and you should maybe find someone more "chaste" who's past won't bother you. But I have to point out that no-one's perfect, and my own opinions about this are that women shouldn't be looked down upon as "gross" for their sexuality. Besides, unless this girl is a teenager, nine doesn't even seem like that many partners to me, but maybe I'm more liberal
aed Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I have a few questions. 1. How do you know about her past? Did you ask her, did she tell you, or have you just heard rumours? 2. Had you established that the relationship was exclusive when she kissed another guy? The second question is quite important, because in my opinion, a three week relationship isn't that serious and if you hadn't had the "other people" talk, I don't think her behaviour is an indication that she is a cheater. The answer to the first question says a lot too, because if you asked for a detailed account of her sexual history, the issue is really all yours to work on. I personally can identify with the feelings of jealousy when thinking about my partner with exes ect. but not thinking about it constantly or looking at them like they're contaminated or something. I've learned that the best thing to do is NEVER ASK. On the other hand, if it's just rumours, it could all be untrue and cleared up BY asking. The other possibility is that she told you without being asked to test your reaction. Some people enjoy their partners jealousy because it makes them feel desirable. If she's constantly bringing it up it's understandable that you feel jealous. However, if that's not the case then again, I think the problem is your own and you should maybe find someone more "chaste" who's past won't bother you. But I have to point out that no-one's perfect, and my own opinions about this are that women shouldn't be looked down upon as "gross" for their sexuality. Besides, unless this girl is a teenager, nine doesn't even seem like that many partners to me, but maybe I'm more liberal Even when he heard about it from others, my experience is most men don't lie about there hookups. But some girls will say differently. (But in the end its always smoke and fire) When you are already invested in a relationship and the other person is stil reacting as she is free It stil hurts and it feels like cheating even if it is not cheating according some peoples rules. Also when they need a official talk, when they need to stop screwing around, says more about there character and commitment then about your jealousy. Because why do they always feel ashamed about it, that it happend and they keep it away from the ones the are officially dating? @ OP If you two where not officialy together I would have a sitdown and speak of what kind of behavour you are okay with and what not. If she doesn;t see things the same way, WALK AWAY 1
Cealabeala Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 When you are already invested in a relationship and the other person is stil reacting as she is free It stil hurts and it feels like cheating even if it is not cheating according some peoples rules. Also when they need a official talk, when they need to stop screwing around, says more about there character and commitment then about your jealousy. I just think that three weeks in to a relationship is a time where things can still be quite unclear. It's common at that stage to have crossed wires about how you both feel about one another and whether it's moving towards something serious or not. Everyone attaches different values and meanings to sex and you might not be aware of differences in opinion like that between you at that stage. You don't even know someone properly after three weeks. Also, she didn't "screw around", she kissed someone.
Radu Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 It's gonna end up in tears OP. Lose-Lose situation tbh. You forgave so she knows she can get away with it. And even if you offered some repercusions, she did it 3 weeks into the relationship. Use her for sex and dump her, if you are attached, then just dump her.
aed Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I just think that three weeks in to a relationship is a time where things can still be quite unclear. It's common at that stage to have crossed wires about how you both feel about one another and whether it's moving towards something serious or not. Everyone attaches different values and meanings to sex and you might not be aware of differences in opinion like that between you at that stage. You don't even know someone properly after three weeks. Also, she didn't "screw around", she kissed someone. Like I said it's more about their character then your jealousy! When you are making attempts to make a relationship serious, you should stop 'kissing' other people. To me it doesn't matter if someone that early kissed or slept with someone. It shows she is not commited to him in those stages of their relationship and why would she be that now, because she says so? People know exactly when they cross a line or are balancing on the edge of it (like she will tell a guy she casual dates that she made out with a random dude in a car).
yongyong Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 you can't. that's the first quality men look at in women if he wants to be serious with her.
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 my parents were always together but separated. they fought a lot and i fought a lot with my father. i even tried to run away from home a few times. i'm a lot older now and love both my parents to death- they managed to work out their issues and now we all live together. Were you very close with your mom? How did she treat you? Basically what you are experiencing is called retroactive jealousy. It's somewhat common (moreso in men than women). I have been crippled by this in the past and still have some remnants of it (though I have it under good control) so this is a subject that definitely fascinates me and I'm always trying to dig deeper into the source. There are many sources of retroactive jealousy. I think the biggest issue is self esteem/confidence. You are jealous of your partner's past because you feel you won't be able to "top" what she's done with other guys and you aren't special enough for her. That was a big thing for me...boosting my own self confidence helped immensely for me. There's also the madonna-whore complex. This was also something that I could relate to, and the reason why I asked about your mother/father. It's basically where you have a strong attachment to your mother but she does not treat you with the love you needed as a child. When you get older and find romantic interests, you look for that missing attachment to your mother you had as a child and try to "reinvent" it with women. But because you are looking for "motherly" qualities in a woman, you can't stand the fact that they had sex with other men because it's like your mother having loved other children before you. It's pretty complicated and I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining, but it basically comes down to you looking for a mother in a "wife". I think there are always some kind of psychological issue at root with retroactive jealousy. I mean think about it...why SHOULD we care about how many people our partners had sex with? I know some people will chime in and say that says something about her character. But let's be honest here...it's NOT about character. That feeling in your gut when you imagine her having sex with other guys...it's NOTHING like whatever you might feel if you knew she used to rob banks. Not saying you would like that she robbed banks, but it wouldn't keep you awake at night or make you have repeated ruminations with vivid "movies" playing in your head of her robbing banks. I think once you realize that what you are feeling is not "normal" it helps to make "peace" with how you feel. This might not be a great analogy, but think of a used car. Sure, you might want to know how many previous owners it had to see how well it was treated...but once you deemed that vehicle worthy and made the purchase...would you ever think back about the owners it used to have and how it was driven when you're enjoying a drive down the coast? Hell no. You are just going to be enjoying your new ride because she's a beaut, she drives like a dream, and she's ALL yours. 3
veggirl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Don't ask about past sexual partners!!! As for her kissing another guy 3 weeks in, that'd be a "dump" for me. 3 weeks is early, obviously, but if she really liked you she wouldn't want to make out with other guys. The second question is quite important, because in my opinion, a three week relationship isn't that serious and if you hadn't had the "other people" talk, I don't think her behaviour is an indication that she is a cheater. She may not be a cheater, technically, but she obviously wasn't all that into the OP. You don't have to be "official" to not wanna make out with someone else. If I'm dating a guy, and he goes and makes out with someone else, I'm gonna assume "he's just not that into me". I know I don't make out with other people when I like Guy A. 1
Cealabeala Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I know I don't make out with other people when I like Guy A. I've liked more than one person at once. I think it's possible, especially when you don't know either person that well, and it's more a crush.
Author Glove_slap Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Were you very close with your mom? How did she treat you? Basically what you are experiencing is called retroactive jealousy. It's somewhat common (moreso in men than women). I have been crippled by this in the past and still have some remnants of it (though I have it under good control) so this is a subject that definitely fascinates me and I'm always trying to dig deeper into the source. There are many sources of retroactive jealousy. I think the biggest issue is self esteem/confidence. You are jealous of your partner's past because you feel you won't be able to "top" what she's done with other guys and you aren't special enough for her. That was a big thing for me...boosting my own self confidence helped immensely for me. There's also the madonna-whore complex. This was also something that I could relate to, and the reason why I asked about your mother/father. It's basically where you have a strong attachment to your mother but she does not treat you with the love you needed as a child. When you get older and find romantic interests, you look for that missing attachment to your mother you had as a child and try to "reinvent" it with women. But because you are looking for "motherly" qualities in a woman, you can't stand the fact that they had sex with other men because it's like your mother having loved other children before you. It's pretty complicated and I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining, but it basically comes down to you looking for a mother in a "wife". I think there are always some kind of psychological issue at root with retroactive jealousy. I mean think about it...why SHOULD we care about how many people our partners had sex with? I know some people will chime in and say that says something about her character. But let's be honest here...it's NOT about character. That feeling in your gut when you imagine her having sex with other guys...it's NOTHING like whatever you might feel if you knew she used to rob banks. Not saying you would like that she robbed banks, but it wouldn't keep you awake at night or make you have repeated ruminations with vivid "movies" playing in your head of her robbing banks. I think once you realize that what you are feeling is not "normal" it helps to make "peace" with how you feel. This might not be a great analogy, but think of a used car. Sure, you might want to know how many previous owners it had to see how well it was treated...but once you deemed that vehicle worthy and made the purchase...would you ever think back about the owners it used to have and how it was driven when you're enjoying a drive down the coast? Hell no. You are just going to be enjoying your new ride because she's a beaut, she drives like a dream, and she's ALL yours. I explained to her once that it's not that her past bothers me but its because it makes me feel like a 'loser'. I've been to parties and had a good time but she's always had a better time, well she is a girl, and girls do have better times than guys (usually). I didn't know there was an actual term for what I was feeling, that's why I was so confused with myself - i'd ask my self questions like 'is this normal'? or 'why am i thinking like this'? Now that I know, I'll try harder to work on it, thanks. There is a complicated issue though and its the fact that she made out with another guy soon after we started seeing one another - for the person that asked - no it was not EXCLUSIVE per se but I told her that I'm not 'cool' with things like that - and she didn't mean to kiss him - apparently it 'just happened' (they were drunk). That takes my retroactive jealousy and brings it to the future ><. Anyways, we're both young, within the 18-21 age group and she's slept with 9 guys when i've only been with 3 girls...yeah..lol
ScreamingTrees Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 would you ever think back about the owners it used to have and how it was driven when you're enjoying a drive down the coast? Hell no. You are just going to be enjoying your new ride because she's a beaut, she drives like a dream, and she's ALL yours. Not for nothing, but maybe this isn't the best analogy. I really doubt it'd drive like a dream or be too beautiful unless it was "used" in the sense that it wasn't brand new, but wasn't actually used often.. If the car'd been driven regularly by previous owners, it's probably experienced some wear and tear.. I'd rather go for a brand new car, 'specially if I'd be paying the same price. You can also just buy a new car with no problem. Can't/Shouldn't really be doing that with a person who can be hurt.. You can say that a woman can come with baggage, expectations (physical, mental, material; realistic or otherwise).. I wouldn't know, but I'm assuming that this would be a concern. You really don't want to be used financially or go into something knowing it would ultimately not work, that you're not "compatible" physically or mentally/emotionally...
Author Glove_slap Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 also, she came clean about everything. we often talk about the good times we've had with our past lovers, its interesting, its fun, i like it, it doesn't make me jealous at all. except for a few men that I simply do not like for other purposes
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 also, she came clean about everything. we often talk about the good times we've had with our past lovers, its interesting, its fun, i like it, it doesn't make me jealous at all. except for a few men that I simply do not like for other purposes Be very careful about talking about the past. You might think it's fun now...you definitely won't later on. I suggest letting the past be the past.
KungFuJoe Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Not for nothing, but maybe this isn't the best analogy. I really doubt it'd drive like a dream or be too beautiful unless it was "used" in the sense that it wasn't brand new, but wasn't actually used often.. If the car'd been driven regularly by previous owners, it's probably experienced some wear and tear.. I'd rather go for a brand new car, 'specially if I'd be paying the same price. You can also just buy a new car with no problem. Can't/Shouldn't really be doing that with a person who can be hurt.. You can say that a woman can come with baggage, expectations (physical, mental, material; realistic or otherwise).. I wouldn't know, but I'm assuming that this would be a concern. You really don't want to be used financially or go into something knowing it would ultimately not work, that you're not "compatible" physically or mentally/emotionally... Unless you end up with a virgin who's never been kissed or touched, everyone has a past. All I'm saying is that for other things, a "past" is irrelevant. Do you care about your best friend's past? Retroactive jealousy is NOT normal. Madonna/whore complex and related conditions are actually pretty common in men. Look it up. It can be minor to where it's just a nuisance or it can be debilitating, making you break up with an otherwise amazing woman. It sucks and it's sad and it shows just how important it is to have good relations with your parents. I didn't learn until recently how badly effed I was due to my upbringing. But it has helped IMMENSELY in learning to deal with my retroactive jealousy.
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