Any chance of her coming back?

[kaydough]

Hi everyone! I'm new to the site and have just been having a hard time dealing with everything.

 

So here's the situation..Me and this girl were dating for 9 months, when we first met she was still in a previous relationship in which her bf had cheated on her..so i told her that i didnt want to be the other guy and that she wanted to be with me it would have to be only me. She eventually broke things off with him and wanted to be with me.. however i learned that she has had a very sketchy past and has cheated on her past bfs before.

 

She has very flirty personality..and in addition to her past i never trusted her completely..but as time went on we fell for each other and she told me that she loved me and that shes never met anyone like me before, and how we were so ideal for each other etc..anyways she still remained friends with her ex and she would tell me they talk from time to time but nothing more. i was fine with it because i was confident in myself and she was honest with me

 

Everything was great. fast forward to september her ex saw me and her out together and blew up at her over the phone and told her how shes so dependent on others etc (she's been in relationship after relationship without really having time to herself) so i could kinda see that from the beginning..

 

At that point i began to feel a bit skeptical of her.. and would ask her frequently where she was and who she was with etc..i began to feel insecure and i think that annoyed her

 

Anyways right before halloween, she tells me that shes been feeling unhappy sometimes with our situation her reputation and how people perceive her (shes a popular girl, and a lot of people dont like her and talk **** about her) i rold her i didnt care what people said and that i love her for who she is and what other people say shouldnt matter. however, shes emotionally weak and unstable and she really lets what people say affect her.

 

She said she doesnt think we should see each other anymore and that she needs time to figure out herself and re organize her life and image and that she doesnt know what she wants right now. We met up a week later and talked and ended up having sex. After that she said she didnt want to be with anyone right now and just needed to do her own thing and that i should do my own thing too incase the outcome wasnt ideal she didnt want me to wait. She said her friends coincidentally told her the same thing that she needs to stop relying on dudes and just have time to be in herself. She said shes sad that shes always been in a relationship and has never gotten time to be herself and be free..

 

ive been texting and calling a lot (i know i shoulndt be) and it seems to have turned her off and annoyed her..she tells me just to leave her alone..i asked her if she still loved me and she said shes lost some feelings for me, but not all.. and that she just needs to focus on herself right now..i know im not helping the situation by contacting her and to just leave her alone...shes told me this on multiple occasions..but she would ask me to hang out from time to time, but when i ask her she would tell me she needs space.. have i pushed her too far away?

 

i know i should leave her alone at this point, but i really want her back in my life..weve been through so much together.. its hard to imagine life without her now... how can i get her back? i realize my needy and insecure behaviour probably turned her off.. or is it that shes really trying to make some life changes..She said that she doesnt know whats gunna happen between us in the future, maybe we will happen in a few months, maybe we wont.. all she can tell me is that she cant be with me or anyone right now..

 

its just so frustrating..im a mess lately and exams are right around the corner..

 

Sorry for the long post, ive had a lot on my mind lately.. and could i get constructive comments please..ive gotten about all the negative stuff i can handle from my friends already.. thanks

Edited December 13, 2012 by kaydough

[Cealabeala]

Hi everyone! I'm new to the site and have just been having a hard time dealing with everything.

 

So here's the situation..Me and this girl were dating for 9 months, when we first met she was still in a previous relationship in which her bf had cheated on her..so i told her that i didnt want to be the other guy and that she wanted to be with me it would have to be only me. She eventually broke things off with him and wanted to be with me.. however i learned that she has had a very sketchy past and has cheated on her past bfs before.

 

She has very flirty personality..and in addition to her past i never trusted her completely..but as time went on we fell for each other and she told me that she loved me and that shes never met anyone like me before, and how we were so ideal for each other etc..anyways she still remained friends with her ex and she would tell me they talk from time to time but nothing more. i was fine with it because i was confident in myself and she was honest with me

 

Everything was great. fast forward to september her ex saw me and her out together and blew up at her over the phone and told her how shes so dependent on others etc (she's been in relationship after relationship without really having time to herself) so i could kinda see that from the beginning..

 

At that point i began to feel a bit skeptical of her.. and would ask her frequently where she was and who she was with etc..i began to feel insecure and i think that annoyed her

 

Anyways right before halloween, she tells me that shes been feeling unhappy sometimes with our situation her reputation and how people perceive her (shes a popular girl, and a lot of people dont like her and talk **** about her) i rold her i didnt care what people said and that i love her for who she is and what other people say shouldnt matter. however, shes emotionally weak and unstable and she really lets what people say affect her.

 

She said she doesnt think we should see each other anymore and that she needs time to figure out herself and re organize her life and image and that she doesnt know what she wants right now. We met up a week later and talked and ended up having sex. After that she said she didnt want to be with anyone right now and just needed to do her own thing and that i should do my own thing too incase the outcome wasnt ideal she didnt want me to wait. She said her friends coincidentally told her the same thing that she needs to stop relying on dudes and just have time to be in herself. She said shes sad that shes always been in a relationship and has never gotten time to be herself and be free..

 

ive been texting and calling a lot (i know i shoulndt be) and it seems to have turned her off and annoyed her..she tells me just to leave her alone..i asked her if she still loved me and she said shes lost some feelings for me, but not all.. and that she just needs to focus on herself right now..i know im not helping the situation by contacting her and to just leave her alone...shes told me this on multiple occasions..but she would ask me to hang out from time to time, but when i ask her she would tell me she needs space.. have i pushed her too far away?

 

i know i should leave her alone at this point, but i really want her back in my life..weve been through so much together.. its hard to imagine life without her now... how can i get her back? i realize my needy and insecure behaviour probably turned her off.. or is it that shes really trying to make some life changes..She said that she doesnt know whats gunna happen between us in the future, maybe we will happen in a few months, maybe we wont.. all she can tell me is that she cant be with me or anyone right now..

 

its just so frustrating..im a mess lately and exams are right around the corner..

 

Sorry for the long post, ive had a lot on my mind lately.. and could i get constructive comments please..ive gotten about all the negative stuff i can handle from my friends already.. thanks

 

Hello, sorry to hear that you're having a hard time.

 

I have to say that I think your ex is doing the right thing by taking time for herself, and I think you know that deep down too. It's understandable that your feelings don't correspond with knowing that and I get that you miss her. Break ups are really hard.

 

It makes things even more difficult when she herself is confused about whether you'll get back together and you're not getting a straight answer. I think the most important thing to take away is that you won't be getting back together NOW. What's happening now is your exams and that's what I think you should make an effort to focus on. Make that a priority and ask your friends and family for support. Try to talk about missing her rather than talk about ways you can get her back or whether you'll get back together. Try to take care of your health too.

 

 

Also, try your best not to contact her. Best of luck.

[kaydough]

Thanks for the support

 

She is 21 and i am 24, so i can see how she might be going through that phase..what i can't figure out is if shes really sincere about improving herself or she just wants to move on to someone else. the only reason i wonder about this is because of her history. i know it doesnt matter and the bottom line is that she needs space right now.. i just hate having that lingering feeling of false hope..but the more i contact her, the more distant and annoyed she gets..so i guess all i can do is focus on improving myself while she does the same...

 

ive tried asking her for reasons, and going over the reasons myself and it just doesnt make sense...i think shes going through a phase of GIGS but i dunno.. Shes very emotionally driven and unstable so its hard to tell..

 

some days i feel fine and like my old confident self.. and some days i feel like crap and cant help but to wonder what shes doing, thinking or if she will ever come back..

Edited December 13, 2012 by kaydough

[jags2bowl27]

Hey man i wanted to respond because i think i can make you feel a lot better about yourself. I am 23, about to be 24 and my ex was 20 going on 21 here in a few months.. right around the same age.

 

Here is what I have learned after 5 months of breaking up. She was the love of my life and we were closer than you can ever imagine, families knew eachother, plans to get married, kids... the whole 9 yards. In my situation, SHE GOT SCARED... she saw only 2 more yrs of college left and she clammed up and her head was so full of thoughts that she didnt even know what she wants. She came back 2 months later after she saw my new girl and asked for me to give her a shot and i declined... why, because at her age, once they see the single life and the "freedom" of not having to worry about what people think because your single becomes attractive.

 

But let me tell you what i see. I see that after she turns 22 next year and realizes the real world, she will quickly jump out of it and be the same person that you knew... she will beg and it will be your choice to accept her back or not. Personally, I have seen such a drastic change in her and the way she acts, i feel as if she doesnt deserve me. I found a great girl, one year older and has a 56k job lined up with her sh*t together within one month of the BU. Will we last, who knows... i still think about my ex everyday but i also know that texting my ex will not wake her up. Let her a$$ go, and if she wants to be with a real man, she will come back

[kaydough]

Thanks jags2bowl, your story really opened up a new way of thinking for me. In my situation, when we first met she wanted to take things slow since she had just gotten out of a previous relationship and wasnt ready to jump right into another one..well as time went on she assured me that this was what she wanted, and things started to get serious like in your case.. she met my family and friends etc..

 

She said that things had been moving too fast and that she didnt say anything because she liked it but was afraid at the same time.. in the end she decided to take time for herself...i think shes just trying to find herself and yes the single life is attractive to her, she likes to party and is a very social girl

 

i know i should let her go and that texting her will only make it worse lol..i guess its easy to see the big picture but hard to handle in the present..

 

Thanks for you advice!

[Cealabeala]

some days i feel fine and like my old confident self.. and some days i feel like crap and cant help but to wonder what shes doing, thinking or if she will ever come back..

 

Feeling like that is very normal. Getting over someone is usually a two stepf forward, one step back process. What helps me sometimes is remembering past break ups and how down I felt then, and that I eventually felt better.

 

It's definitely much more straight forward when you know for sure that the relationship is over for good (though no less painful) so it's understandable that you feel preoccupied with it. But my opinion is that contacting her will mess with your head even more at the minute. My advice would be to make a pact with yourself not to contact her until after the exams, no matter how tempted you are.

[jags2bowl27]

Thanks jags2bowl, your story really opened up a new way of thinking for me. In my situation, when we first met she wanted to take things slow since she had just gotten out of a previous relationship and wasnt ready to jump right into another one..well as time went on she assured me that this was what she wanted, and things started to get serious like in your case.. she met my family and friends etc..

 

She said that things had been moving too fast and that she didnt say anything because she liked it but was afraid at the same time.. in the end she decided to take time for herself...i think shes just trying to find herself and yes the single life is attractive to her, she likes to party and is a very social girl

 

i know i should let her go and that texting her will only make it worse lol..i guess its easy to see the big picture but hard to handle in the present..

 

Thanks for you advice!

 

Let me help you even more regarding to the "hope" that she comes back. She wrote me a long card saying how sorry she was, how we are meant to be together, how she knows im the one and hopes i can see that er actions was just because she got blinded for a few months. Then, I told her I would take it to heart and you know what her response was? "I meant every word of it, I just dont know whats wrong with me." Let me translate. "I know you are the one, your such an amazing person and what we had was wonderful but I want to slut it up and not have to worry about the relationship anymore until im done being immature. You will be there when I'm done, I know you will be." (haha)

 

Okay, maybe not that drastic but my point is, all she had to do was say I meant every word and contact me constantly to show me she wanted another shot. She didnt, she wrote words and didnt have ANY action. My point is, stop with the hope and start with the healing. Talking to her again 2 months after the BU made my head just as confused as hers. They mind F*ck you and it isnt right, you deserve better. If she wasnt ready for the relationship to get serious, thats her problem. Go out, talk to a few girls and after you lay besides one or two of them, you will realize even though those girls are NOT THE ONE, they are other fish in the see that will touch your pee pee (HAHAHAHA).

 

Good Luck man, im rooting for you. And just remember, if you treated her right, and you were close and had her in your mind first during the relationship, they always come back.... they always come back!

[kaydough]

I will definetely try and focus on my studies for now.. she doesnt wanna talk to me now anyways.. so im just thinking of all the things she did that pissed me off.. that way i dont wanna talk to her lol

 

and thanks Jags i will definetely keep that in mind! lol.. its been a month and a half since we separated but weve still kept in contact and seen each other.. and this hot and cold thing shes doing is just messing with my head. You're right i need to just let it go and do my own thing. i have been going out with other girls, nothing serious just out having fun. but when i go home i seem to always think about her.

 

and i was great to her, treated her like a real lady. she said no one has ever been so sweet and genuwine with her, shes had a pretty bad choice in partners. i guess i just gotta let it be and see what happens..and also she knows shes immature and admits that she has some growing up to do.. i hate how there are somethings we cant control..i wonder if shell ever realize it..man love sucks sometimes lol

 

thanks again!

Edited December 13, 2012 by kaydough

[kaydough]

the harder i try, the worse it gets.. the thing is the trust isnt 100% there, shes done some sketchy stuff in her past..i like to believe that shes trying to better herself and breaking old habits, but im not entirely sold on it..i know its useless to think about it, but the thought is there. Also i think we became too comfortable with each other, we saw each other quite often and perhaps she just didnt see a challenge in me anymore n got bored.. she said thats not the case, but subconsciously wouldnt any relationship end because of a loss of attraction? how do i get that spark back and re attract her? Anyways she said that ive treated her the best and was the most amazing person shes ever met... then another day shell say shes lost feelings for me.. and that maybe well work out n maybe we wont...basically just messing around with my head.. i dont know up from down and left from right anymore.. its just a jumble of emotions..

 

i just wish there was a definitive answer, but i guess im the only one who can make a choice for myself..

[Caryopteris]

I know it's hard, but right now you are not seeming very attractive to her because of how you are acting. People just aren't attracted to people who act needy.

 

You need to remind yourself she wants space and she's not kidding about that. She may actually be saying things to protect your feelings. For all you know she is trying to let you down easy. So have some class and back off. Do not get angry and mean if she texts you to talk. But don't be trying to get her back. Act like you are fine with being just friends who text now and then, but you are also fine if she doesn't want to talk to you. It may be over and that has to be okay or you seem clingy and undesirable to her and anybody else observing you.

 

Focus on school and making new friends. Avoid getting drunk because you will say things to your friends you will regret. Just fake it til you make it (as far as getting over her). It will get better. There are all kinds of wonderful people to meet. Remember that guys tend to take a while to attach and then have trouble letting go when it's over. It's common, but yet not something anybody wants to observe in a guy. Life is all about you, so make the most of it. If you are an interesting person with friends and hobbies and a good livelihood, you will attract somebody great. So now is the time to concentrate on you.

[kaydough]

I agree and when i think about it, i wish i hadnt acted all desperate after we broke up.. She said she still had feelings for me but needed time to figure herself out because she wasnt happy with herself and she let that seep into our relationship. People have always told me to be cautious of her because of her past, but when im with her i dont see it...i dunno if i let myself get blinded or she really is something special..

 

Also ive always been a confident guy but as time went on, i started to question some of her actions + her sketchy past and insecurities started to creep in..

 

regardless of why she wanted to break things off, you're right, i just need to leave her alone and let her do her own thing while i do mine..i just dont know if ive pusher her too far away..

[Caryopteris]

What's past is past. Don't beat yourself up about it. You only acted that way because you cared. But now you realize it's couterproductive, so you have learned that lesson. Now just let time go by. The best thing will be if you are able to think less and less about her and prepare your heart for the next interesting possibility.

[kaydough]

I;m trying to focus on myself and give her the space she asked for.. just hard not knowing the future.. just out of curiosity, how often has an ex come back after a period of nc?

[Bryant528]

You never know. Try to focus on yourself, friends, new activities and keep living life because in the long run it's what will heal you.

It's hard (I know) but gets easier over time. For me I've had an ex come back after one year but I was in a relationship already so I had to turn him down. Recently, I had an ex come back after 7 months but discovered we were not on the same page. My friend had an ex return after 6 months, and now they are living together. Chin up. Good things will come

[TexAggie1]

She's 27, I'm 39.

We met a little over a year ago (Sept./2011).

She broke up a month-and-a-half ago (Oct/2012).

NC since the day before Thanksgiving.

 

Backstory:

I was still friends with my 6 year off and on again crazy ex when I met her, we were broken up 5 months before (friends/family pleaded with me to end it long before). The following 6 months I tried to end that friendship with my ex without her interferring with my new relationship (I have no doubt she would have). My ex lived with me 5 years ago, but moved out after a year. I couldn't do the NC because she still had stuff in my house (accumulated over 6 years). My gf had a problem with this obviously, and was upset how long it was taking to get stuff out. I kept getting excuses from the ex about getting her stuff, but I didn't want to put it on the curb. The ex knew how to push my buttons, cried all the time to me about us being over. I would talk to her, calm her down...fell for her crying everytime (I know, stupid). In December, my gf decided to back off until the ex situation was resolved. We didn't talk much, but she did tell me she was going to Las Angeles with a male coworker for NYE. She lived 3 hours from me, and 2 days before NYE I stayed at her place. First time I told her I loved her, and she said the same. She could see I had an issue with her going with some other guy and his friends to LA, and she assured me I had nothing to worry about. A few days after NYE, she calls me and said we needed to talk. I drive back to her place, she tells me they slept together. It was a knife to my chest, and she begged me to forgive her...which I did after about a month. Over the next few months we grew in our relationship doing a lot of traveling. My ex continues to contact me, and turned it up with messages about hurting/killing herself. I responded with "I love you, miss you" type messages (stupid, I know). I was NC with her for the most part though. In April, my ex somehow found out about my gf, and messaged her on FB. Sent her every email, text and over the phone conversations I had with her while my gf and I were dating. I never talked to my gf about those conversations, even when she'd ask if I'd heard from her (yes, I lied). My motive was to keep her as far away from my ex, didn't want any more drama in the relationship...and I KNOW I handled it all wrong. Shortly after, I put all my ex's stuff in storage (should have done that a long time ago).

 

I never spoke to my ex again (8 months ago), apologized a thousand times for lying to her about it Ever since then, my gf and I have had the time of our life. She met all my family, friends, travelled even more. She instigated talks for marriage, kids, etc. She ended up moving to my city and temporarily moved in with me. She asked to move in permanently, but I declined as 1)I'd done that before and it blew up in my face, 2) I was preparing my house to sell very soon, 3) was planning to look for rings soon, then get our own place.

 

A month later I noticed a change in her. When I questioned her on it, she requested he go NC for a week while she "figures things out". When we finally discussed, she states she loves me, misses me...but can't trust me from what happened 7 months before. She has tried to get over it, but just can't. That was mid-October, ever since she would send mixed messages to me. I would get "I love you, miss you"...then we have to go NC...then she would instigate contact again.

 

The week before Thanksgiving was the last “positive” text I received, then she became very cold to me. The last time we communicated was the day before Thanksgiving. I told her to stop being stubborn and run the thanksgiving race with me. Her text back was “I’m not being stubborn, I’m being realistic. We’re broken up. I’m not running with you, I’m not spending the holidays with you. I’m done”. Later that night I was about to leave dinner with friends when I received another text. She let me know she moved the rest of her stuff out of my house, and where she left my key. I had hoped I was there when she did this, and the restaurant I was at is close to her apartment…so I went over there and literally arrived the same time she did. She was upset I met her there, didn’t want much to do with me. I left, then received the last text “I want you to hear me loud and clear. It’s obvious we can’t salvage a friendship at this point. You need to leave me alone. Good luck to you.” I’ve NEVER said one negative thing to her, and have no idea where this hostility came from. I've been NC for majority of the month and a half, honoring her requests. This was only 1 of 2 occasions where I had reached out to her!

 

She already had serious trust issues coming into the relationship. She was sexually abused by her grandfather, and physically abused by her father. She only talks to her mom, who she doesn't really get along with. As a result of this, she has very low self esteem. I accepted all of this because of the love I have for her. Not trying to "fix" her, more of just picking her back up when she "falls".

 

I apologized a thousand times for what happened 7 months ago, and still hold out hope for her to forgive me as I did her back in January. My motives/intentions were innocent in trying to end that "friendship" with my ex and trying to involve my gf, but my dishonesty was out of character for me and shameful.

 

I haven't heard from, nor have I attempted contact since Thanksgiving...3 weeks ago. I don't get the root of her sudden anger, nor how quickly she ended things. I feel as if I'll never hear from her again the way she left things, and that I've lost the love of my life forever.

 

 

 

I share this with you to let you know there are many people out there in our situation, wanting answers to these same questions. Sometimes it seems hopeless, so easy for friends and family to say "move on" when your heart is wrapped up in. I also hope I get that text/call and get a second chance, but I also worry if I'm a fool in love.

[kaydough]

Thanks for sharing, its nice to know that i' m not going through this alone.. also do you think that age is a factor? or is it just the type of person they are..my ex seems to be going through a big stage of confusion right now, and shes not the type to face her problems.. so in a way im happy for her that shes finally making decisions on her own.. but at the same time, shes very avoidant and free spirited, so its hard to know if she really misses me and if she will ever come back..i told her that if its never gunna work between us then to just tell me, but she refused so i dunno,.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey Jags, a quick question for you about your situation. I think your ex and mine are similar.

My GF broke up with me out of the blue the same way and we never argued and such. One day, she just says she is done and leaves. I feel its the exact same thing as yours. She never did anything with friends and didnt do much "college" type stuff and she is in her last year of school. So NOW she goes out, parties ALL the time and every FB pic of her looks way more provactive. This person is NO where near the person I was with for three years. So what did you do? Did you go NC with her? Did you keep casually talking? Did you get mad and tell her to F*** off? I would like to know what to do with mine. I got really mad when she left, wigged out for a week then went NC for about three weeks. This week, its been VERY LC, but I still dont know what to do and I thought maybe you could help me out. Thanks!!!

[TexAggie1]

.. also do you think that age is a factor?

Honestly, I didn't really even think about it. I wasn't looking for anyone when I met her. When I got to know her, we hit it off quickly...too quickly actually. Age didn't matter with us at all. But then again, maybe there is a maturity issue in how she left things. My family and our mutual friends don't understand at all what she's doing.

[jags2bowl27]

Hey Jags, a quick question for you about your situation. I think your ex and mine are similar.

My GF broke up with me out of the blue the same way and we never argued and such. One day, she just says she is done and leaves. I feel its the exact same thing as yours. She never did anything with friends and didnt do much "college" type stuff and she is in her last year of school. So NOW she goes out, parties ALL the time and every FB pic of her looks way more provactive. This person is NO where near the person I was with for three years. So what did you do? Did you go NC with her? Did you keep casually talking? Did you get mad and tell her to F*** off? I would like to know what to do with mine. I got really mad when she left, wigged out for a week then went NC for about three weeks. This week, its been VERY LC, but I still dont know what to do and I thought maybe you could help me out. Thanks!!!

 

Hey man the best thing to do is leave her alone and let her know how you feel. I suggest reading my post about how to handle my ex girlfriend in this section and reply there... You can get some insight on what I just did this past weekend

[kaydough]

yeah jags is right, all you can do is let her know how u feel and let her be, and let time pass. the more you try and fix things or pressure, the more shes going to want to do the opposite. its been 5 days of nc for me, came close to breaking it a few times.. but i talked myself out of it somehow..

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hey man the best thing to do is leave her alone and let her know how you feel. I suggest reading my post about how to handle my ex girlfriend in this section and reply there... You can get some insight on what I just did this past weekend

 

Thanks Jags.... Ive seen you on here many of times and I value your opinion. I guess like I'm not wanting to "flaunt" my new dating partner in front of her because thats not why I'm going on dates with this new person, and its not fair to this girl if I was doing that, I just want her to know. I went NC for about three weeks and she two breadcumbs and I rejected them both. When I was ready to talk to her, I finally said "Yeah I've been busy." She was quick to say hey whats up and its been VERY LC since. I'm not wanting to look desperate and girls can sense when you are ACTAULLY moving on or faking it. I'm not moving on very fast obviously, but its getting there. I know she probably doesnt feel any threat because I was begging right after the BU and being a whiny little s***. I'll see if I can try to find your post.