USMCHokie Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I'm fairly certain that I will never be happy in a relationship until I've gotten my fill of casual dating... ...just turned 29... 1
Mumbles Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 What??? My mom had 4 children in her 30s. do you live like, in Kansas City, where people marry at 20 and start reproducing right away? lol. hehe. No, nowhere near ... other side of the world actually. Average age for trying for children over here has crept up to 28 and a bit ... and there is trouble (in the stats) ... maybe too much sunshine down here I don't know. Anyway, appears to be a touchy subject and not really relevant to where I'm at, so I'll leave this one to go through to the keeper I think - theres some local slang for ya!
sweetjasmine Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 If you aren't going to settle until at least 30, and assuming you don't have children the very day after you decide (at 30) to settle ... most ladies are going to already be on the other side of the bell curve of fertility. Yes, yes, we all know a few friends and relatives who are having children in mid, late thirties, even forties, but its a _lot_ harder, really, a lot. We're meant, biologically, to be reproducing significantly earlier than mid thirties ... so its a problem. Agreed, it can be a problem. A lot of people do just fine having children in their mid-30s, but complications are more likely. We live in relatively safe societies which have managed to stretch out childhood like never before, we can live a reasonably carefree life right through our twenties now and its been this way for quite some time. But biologically we're little different from our ancient ancestors Sometimes I wonder whether it's gone too far and whether my generation is taking too long to grow up. I know so many people who still live with their parents, and most of them wish they were able to be on their own. Only one friend has bought a house, and that was only because the bank of mom and dad put down a good chunk of the money. Personally, I like being married at this age. We got to take our time and make sure it was what we both wanted. We got to live together for a while. There was no loudly ticking biological clock on my end pushing me into making quick decisions. We're both getting settled, and it'll be easier for us to buy a home together than it would have been for us to do it separately. And when the time for kids rolls around, we will have had a few years to work on building a solid relationship and a steady home. There's no rush to start popping them out and no pressure to do it before we're ready. It makes life a little easier, to be honest. People who stay single for life are living a more natural life than people who don't. So are people who don't shave, dye their hair, use the internet, drive a car, eat McDonald's... So what? Should we stop shaving because early hominids didn't? Should I club my neighbor over the head and steal his wallet because that's more natural than going into an office and working all day long? Loving somebody - for real - is a choice, as is staying in and maintaining a serious, long-term relationship. You don't just sit there and wait for things to work out on their own. If you don't want to put in the effort because you don't believe the rewards are worth it, then no problem, but it's ridiculous to pretend that there's no value in it for anyone and that you MUST be right about it all. 1
Later82012 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 That hitachi magic wand never judges me, makes me cook dinner, do its laundry, or iron its shirts . Why do you find people that cannot even take care of themselves, get into relationships with them or get married to them and then complain? It's a choice, right? 1
RogerWallace111 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Maybe it's just me, but whenever I hear people say they'd rather avoid being in a relationship, they give me the impression that they secretly want to be teenagers forever... sort of like IRL versions of Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times. Except they're not 18 anymore, and they're probably not impressing anyone. Life isn't like high school, or even college. I wouldn't go so far as to accuse all commitment-phobes of being narcissists; but pleasure-centered, more likely. Nah, doesn't sound like the case of most people speaking in here. Definitely not myself... For me, with my own personal ambitions, I'm not nearly ready to settle down and put tons of my own personal energy into something that could potentially last the next 60 years of my life. Plus I want to know that when I do get into that sort of relationship, I've explored the possibilities fully so I'm not just marrying the next girl that I feel happy/comfortable around. Cause there are / will be lots of those. I want to make sure it's someone who amazes me, intrigues me, makes me laugh, who I find extremely f*cking sexy. One of the most painful experiences in my life was the end of my one long term (3.5 yr) relationship, and this is with a girl I knew all along wasn't fully my "type", who's mind/sense of humor I never marveled at. She had plenty of other admirable qualities, was just sweet as f*ck, beautiful, loved everything about me- but I never quite saw her as an equal "intellectually". And so if losing a girl like that can destroy my world for a couple months, the next one better be fully worth risking that heartbreak over. Meaning that all the girls who don't strike me as being that "one in a million" will have casual relationships with me. Not because I'm living out a teenage fantasy, hitting up clubs yelling "wooooo !"
truth_seeker Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Looking around recently more and more people want to just date, have casual sex and not let things get serious. I most definitely prefer a relationship to casual dating. Seems harder to find it nowdays... anyone else notice this? For me it's not getting locked in a relationship with the wrong person. Casual sex can be great but also dangerous if one person catches feelings and the other doesn't.
sweetjasmine Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Yes monogamy and life-long relationships are natural. Much more natural than polygamy. I think what's natural is that there's a wide variety of mating strategies among humans. One of the more recent evo psych arguments I've read is that monogamy developed in people as a new mating strategy for males who were too weak to fight the more dominant ones. Instead of fighting for a spot up top, their best bet was to avoid confrontation with the dominant males, find one loyal female, and stick around. Meanwhile, the dominant males were still practicing polygyny. I don't think that modern day "alphas" and "betas" (hate those stupid terms ) will necessarily and automatically prefer one strategy over another, but it seems like there's no universal mating pattern that works for all people, no single natural pattern we all adhere to. It seems like we have a variety of strategies built in, and it's up to us to choose which one suits us best. But even if some of these things are "unnatural," so what?
Els Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 The point I'm making is that people need to stop acting like social constructs are the same as mother nature. People act like marriage and commitment are natural things that everyone has a natural desire to do. They are NOT. I was simply making that point. But many of us aren't in a relationship just because it's expected of us by society. Some of us are in relationships because... horror of horrors!... we love the person we are with. I could care less about what society thinks, and I feel sorry for anyone who has a bf/gf just because they're afraid of what society thinks of single people, or who marries by a certain age just because society says they have to, or who has children at a certain time just because they feel they are obligated to. That does not in any way describe all, or even most, people who choose to be in a relationship, or marry, or have children. People should live as they please provided they are not harming anyone. Agreed. Nobody should be telling anyone else how to live their lives. People should do what makes them happy. And if casual sex is what makes them happy, they should feel free to go for it as long as they aren't *cough* manipulating or deceiving others into going along with them.
Drseussgrrl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I don't think humans evolved to be alone. I mean, how do you explain the feeling of loneliness? Heartache? Life is so much better/easier when you're sharing it with someone, and the people I know who are adverse to commitment have had some sort of hangup along the way and now they think they're "above" it somehow because they were hurt and feelings are stupid.
Divasu Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Relationships are a lot of work. They sure are... Working, yes that it a lot of work too. Paying bills, working out, getting your oil changed, a lot of work too. Snooze-a-looza!
Lonely Ronin Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Agreed. Nobody should be telling anyone else how to live their lives. People should do what makes them happy. And if casual sex is what makes them happy, they should feel free to go for it as long as they aren't *cough* manipulating or deceiving others into going along with them. I think you need to throw in a few extra coughs in for good measure. I personally find the manipulators the scum of the earth, and will warn my female friends of who they are. Simply put the manipulators make dating more difficult for the rest of us. 1
Els Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I agree with most of the reasoning behind the shift toward more casual relationships but find it very unsatisfying. The benefits of being in a (good/healthy) relationship simply outweighs casual flings to me for a few reasons... 1- Sharing intimate details about each other on an emotional level is very satisfying and sexy as hell. 2- A committed relationship to me means putting genuine effort in the relationship instead of viewing it as just another replaceable item in this fast paced transient world. Working to improve yourself and the relationship for the better is endearing instead of just finding another one when you are tired. I'm a firm believer in the grass is greener where you water it. 3- Having someone who has got your back. It's simply nice to know someone is rooting for you, and helping you along the way with all the junk that happens in life. 4- Compromise can have just as many positives as draw backs. It allows for new and different experiences and forces you to do things a little differently than you would by yourself. I don't like being set in my ways. Yes, yes, yes, and yes! I personally do not see the appeal in casual dating at all. To me, it's either platonic friends, or a relationship, or friends-progressing-to-a-relationship-with-one-person. I cannot fathom having sex or romantic dates with someone, but not actually having a close and intimate emotional bond with them, or an exclusive commitment to each other. To me, the latter comes before the former, and the former without the latter is meaningless.
veggirl Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Just to use him as an example. Wholigan is a well known poster on here and it's well known that he is a casual dater. The guys and gals here respect him and he gives it back. Your definition of casual dating is what Wholigan does, which again is fine. The side of casual dating that is looked down on here is from the bitter brigade who never have anything good to say about relationships and that they believe that women are inferior to men and that they have to be treated like crap an also that they (the bitter brigade) BS these women just to get them in bed. It's guys like that who are on here is the reason why you see casual dating as very dark on here. Oh come on, give the women of LS some credit, the ones who don't like casual dating aren't influenced by the "bitter brigade"...I think we are smart enough to know that those dudes aren't the norm. No offense to Who but he has never been in a serious relationship....once someone has been in one and casually dated then they are more equipped to say which one they prefer imo. Perhaps he just wants what he doesn't have at this time, who knows. Now I've experienced both, and I prefer a serious relationship. I know plenty of people who want serious relationships too, I also know a lot (all men, actually) who don't want that, or want it for a while but then seem to realize this.......... I'm fairly certain that I will never be happy in a relationship until I've gotten my fill of casual dating... ...just turned 29... I think this is true for most people. You recognize it, so that's good, other people don't recognize that about themself.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I think this is true for most people. You recognize it, so that's good, other people don't recognize that about themself. I think people recognize it once, they have actually dated someone who is a really really good match for them. I was lucky, and for me that happened at 17.
Revolver Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I rather people have casual sex, and date here and there then get into crap exclusive relationships with people they sorta kinda like just to be in one. I like many other People do value relationships but only with someone I'm crazy about, you know what I mean? I have male friends my age who are in great relationships but there's quite a few who play the field until they find an ideal woman and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Also I've heard some women on this website, others, and in real life complain that they were used in "practice" or stop gap relationships with guys who only were with them because they couldn't get the women they really wanted and had no opions. Well If people stopped settling for these relationships, none of that would ever happen. 2
Pyro Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Oh come on, give the women of LS some credit, the ones who don't like casual dating aren't influenced by the "bitter brigade"...I think we are smart enough to know that those dudes aren't the norm. My response had nothing to do with discrediting the women of LS. No one likes to be generalized into one lump sum and that is what some of the boys on here do to the women and that is why casual dating is seen by many as a dark subject on here.
El Brujo Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I also think that when you'll find your true love, everything will change. True love is for Disney movies. True love doesn't exist, but commitment-phobes are afraid of it anyway because they have a rep to protect. When someone does love them, commitment-phobes panic and push them away.
Pyro Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I think you need to throw in a few extra coughs in for good measure. I personally find the manipulators the scum of the earth, and will warn my female friends of who they are. Simply put the manipulators make dating more difficult for the rest of us. On the contrary, they actually make it easier. While they are busy with the less desirable that leaves the good quality individuals available.
c57dood Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 This is the main area I disagree with you. As I said earlier in this thread: Life long relationships are not natural. The human brain is not designed to commit to anything for life. This is science. We are raised to desire these relationships because they are a traditional part of society. There is no natural human desire to be in love or to commit to someone for life. We are conditioned to want it. Just like a nice house, or nice clothes, or a sports car. So every man and woman doesn't want that. People who stay single for life are living a more natural life than people who don't. I'm willing to bet that deep inside your heart you desire it. Otherwise, why would you be on this dating site? 2
mesmerized Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Change most people to most men and then yes, your feelings are correct! 1
Lonely Ronin Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Really? How is that? By being more attractive and sexy? Why do you think common lore says women have X date guidelines & rules. Jesus man, half the threads on LS by women, are about determining if the guy is really interested, is he lying, if he faking. Pretty much all of these rules and guidelines are to try and prevent them from getting used and their hearts broken. I see it more and more as I get older, Women are more and more on guard, either because they have been manipulated, or have a good friend who has. That's why manipulators make dating harder, because if you don't know the woman you're interested in, your almost automatically looked at with suspicion by a lot of women. The number one reason I have done so well in the dating world over the last couple years, is because I have a lot female friends who vouch for/vet me. I was standing a few feet a way when I heard a friend tell the woman I'm currently dating, "Don't worry about Ronin, he is a really good guy, just have fun and get to know him." If all a guy wants is sex, then he should find a woman who also only want's that. Plenty of women only want sex, and based on my experience some of them are incredibly up front and over the top about letting you know about it. 1
Seductive Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 I only read the original post, but I think we attract time-wasters when we're so set on finding a serious relationship.There are some weird people out there that think "Ooh, she/he is so desperate. I'm going to tell them what they want to hear." I also find that people can be put off when we announce our intentions right away. I've attracted serious relationships when I wasn't so pushy about it or when I treated dating as something fun. Once you get to know a person, then they and I can discuss if we want to be exclusive or not.
Lonely Ronin Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Well.. not everyone woman who "only wants sex" is going to be a woman I'm attracted to or want to sleep with. What if the woman I want to sleep with is not the slutty type? I have to get it in somehow. Count yourself lucky, that some woman's brother, cousin, father, friend hasn't sent you to the ER. 2
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