TouchedByViolet Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Looking around recently more and more people want to just date, have casual sex and not let things get serious. I most definitely prefer a relationship to casual dating. Seems harder to find it nowdays... anyone else notice this? 3
El Brujo Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Looking around recently more and more people want to just date, have casual sex and not let things get serious. I most definitely prefer a relationship to casual dating. Seems harder to find it nowdays... anyone else notice this? Yes. The people who run nursing homes and the people who sell sex dolls notice it too.
Mumbles Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Yes, I think this is true too. I think we've created our own bed on this (as a society) and are now sleeping in it. The state treats married people very harshly in many countries. As the stereotypical married pairing is relatively stable, probably rooted to a home and a mortgage, children, etc, they are milked to within an inch of their lives. If things go badly for said married couple then divorce, separation, children, etc - its no wonder people think twice. But more then that, people started getting wise to this in the 60's, 70's and so the state, or at least the place where I live, introduced the concept of 'de facto' marriage, whereby a couple who lives 'as man and wife' regardless of their marriage status, is treated under law like they are married. In some places this is deemed to have occurred after 3 months of co-habitation. Like any of these kinds of things, I don't think it all started as a conspiracy theory by shady men and women behind the political scenes, and a lot of good can be seen to have been done ... however, for better or worse, people have nutted it out ... add some social welfare and a generalised enrichment of the population at large and ... there you go... hedonism and self reliance rule, pair bonding and mutual support recedes.
MrCastle Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I think more people are waking up to this idea that relationships are lame. At least for the younger generation. Back in the old days society said you had to be married at this age, women have to be the ideal housewife, the man has to be the bread winner, etc. Then women's rights came, the sexual revolution came, and all that changed. I feel for these people on my campus who can do nothing but oogle at all the people they find attractive because they're in an exclusive relationship. They're being deprived. I can only speak to my generation (25 years old), but I feel it's much better to focus on yourself, get your education and career in order while messing around casually unil you're ready to settle down. Relationships are a lot of work. A lot more than I'm willing to put in at this stage of my life. 1
ThaWholigan Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Having had a small taste of the casual life, I would actually prefer a relationship. I did in the beginning, and I still do now. I'm aware they are hard - I would still rather have one. Preferably a long one w/ kids. Not that casual sex isn't fun - it most certainly is.
Mumbles Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Having had a small taste of the casual life, I would actually prefer a relationship. I did in the beginning, and I still do now. I'm aware they are hard - I would still rather have one. Preferably a long one w/ kids. Not that casual sex isn't fun - it most certainly is. I'm completely with you on what I'd like as well - but doesn't it just feel sometimes like you're swimming against the tide?
MrCastle Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Also, the perception of casual dating is very dark on this forum. People make it seem like you have sex with a girl, throw her out into the street, laugh on the way back into your house, and high five your friends when you tell them the story. That's not the reality. You can hang out, go on fun dates, share intimate details of your life, talk on the phone for hours on end if that's your thing. The only difference being -no forced expectations of commitment -no messy breakups -no obligations to compromise on certain things -no urgency to take it to the next level (move in, marry, etc) You live your life, they live theirs. You have your fun, no strings attached. It's not this evil deceptive unnatural lifestyle. It's fun. And easy. 6
c57dood Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Welcome to the Brave New World. Read the book if you haven't. The words mother and father will become curse words. A deep connection with a single person is sacrificed for shallow connections with many. Just look at the social networking phenomena. Lots of weak spread out relationships, but few strong ones. Or, the Age of Aquarius if you like that. It's real, we're experiencing it right now. The price is true, romantic and lifelong love for one person. Our parents started it, and now we are living it. 1
ThaWholigan Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I'm completely with you on what I'd like as well - but doesn't it just feel sometimes like you're swimming against the tide? I don't feel like I'm swimming against a tide really. I'm a bit of a shapeshifter in that regard - I'd prefer a relationship, but I'm not against casual at all, I'm very comfortable with it. I just know what I would rather have if I had to choose. 1
Carenth Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) Tried casual dating, not for me. Shallow connections with people do nothing to excite me and I get incredibly bored quickly with that sort of setup or whatever you call it. All the more power to people who enjoy that though, I have no problem with it. Just not for me. Marriage I'm not a huge fan of that idea, mostly because most of my generations parents (I'm 25) broke up and ripped families in half in the process, I was lucky it didn't happen to me, many of my friends were not so fortunate. I'm happy being in a committed relationship. Edited December 13, 2012 by Carenth 1
MrCastle Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Well I guess I'm just a shallow person by nature. Not into getting deep and serious. Stresses me out. I just want to enjoy myself with other people and have the freedom to go and come as a please without having to deal with drama and include someone else in all my decisions. The main problem I have with committed relationships is it feels almost like being a kid again. Everything I do I need to hear someone else's opinion about it or consider how someone else feels about it. I'm a person who doesn't like to compromise. I like things my way. I don't think it's shallow I think it's honorable. I'm in the same boat. I'm pretty set in my ways. Unless a girl comes around that totally knocks me off my feet, I'm not into the relationship thing. I don't think it's fair to me or her that I enter a relationship half-assed. I gotta really be feeling it. 1
truth_prevails Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I prefer a committed relationship over casual ones too, and in fact I'm currently in a relationship that I'm very happy with. And you know what? I think most people actually prefer that too, even people who are dating casually now. So why aren't we all in committed relationships (or trying to be)? Because committed relationships regularly fail. And now we know it. Everyone knows that divorce in America is over 50%. You might say, well that's just materialistic America. But cheating rates are something like 30 - 60%, and a lot of people know that too. Divorce rates might be lower in Asia, but I can tell you as someone who's spent a lot of time in Asia, the cheating here is rampant. And if you know all that, you might think, sure I really like committed relationships, but do I like them that much more than fun casual flings that I would take on a significant risk of the relationship failing? I think this is the question our current generation is grappling with.
kaylacole Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I see this pattern too among other women. Maybe it is a case of how you choose to see it, maybe not. It is not like there are stats out there that we can all rely on for an exact idea. I think it is sad too. I want a relationship, a long term someday marriage and kids deal, but it is not at all as though I am going to come out and say that to the guys I will be dating. That would be a relationship killer for perhaps that one guy who is a bit skittish. IDK
MrCastle Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I prefer a committed relationship over casual ones too, and in fact I'm currently in a relationship that I'm very happy with. And you know what? I think most people actually prefer that too, even people who are dating casually now. So why aren't we all in committed relationships (or trying to be)? Because committed relationships regularly fail. And now we know it. Everyone knows that divorce in America is over 50%. You might say, well that's just materialistic America. But cheating rates are something like 30 - 60%, and a lot of people know that too. Divorce rates might be lower in Asia, but I can tell you as someone who's spent a lot of time in Asia, the cheating here is rampant. And if you know all that, you might think, sure I really like committed relationships, but do I like them that much more than fun casual flings that I would take on a significant risk of the relationship failing? I think this is the question our current generation is grappling with. So true. I didn't even really touch on that. So, so true. That's definitely something in the back of my mind. Man. I feel like I just got f***ed in the ass with a truth dick. 1
D-Lish Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I just can't be bothered to commit to anyone at this stage of my life. I've been single for so long at this point, and I feel so set in my ways that I couldn't imagine finding the strength to make compromises. I've been married and divorced, and since that ended (almost 10 years ago), it's rare that I find someone that I find attractive. I miss having sex sometimes, but even fwb relationships can get too complicated for my liking. 2
nessaaa Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 There will always be someone who will make you happier then the person you are with so why settle. Serious relationships just hold you back. 1
sweetjasmine Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) Looking around recently more and more people want to just date, have casual sex and not let things get serious. I most definitely prefer a relationship to casual dating. Seems harder to find it nowdays... anyone else notice this? I think it's probably impossible to figure out whether it's harder now than it used to be. I think people are more open these days about what they want and what they're looking for. That's ultimately a good thing. If someone's at a point in their lives where casual relationships are what makes them happy, then they should pursue that since it wouldn't make any sense for them to force themselves into a situation that makes them unhappy. The same goes for those who are looking for serious relationships. For reference, I'm in my mid/late-20s and am recently married after 4 years of dating. I've never done the casual thing, and it doesn't appeal to me on any level. I've always been a more serious type (frequently referred to as an "old soul" ). I can honestly say that the times I've found my eyes wandering, it was for a brief moment and involved nothing more than a passing "that guy is pretty fine." I get much more fulfillment and pleasure out of the intimacy I share with my H, and it's such a relief to me to have someone by my side who understands me and accepts me as I am. Most of my friends in their 20s and 30s are in serious relationships or looking for them. Some are more into the casual thing, and it suits them just fine. As long as they're happy, who cares? As for whether the casual people are in the majority, I think it's a matter of who you know and who you meet. Edited December 13, 2012 by sweetjasmine 1
Mumbles Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Nature designed human's to maintain attraction and love for a member of the opposite sex long enough for kids to age to a point where they aren't totally helpless. So this is about 3-5 years or so. Anyway, the human brain is not designed for life long relationships. That is a social construct. Not natural at all. Wow. Light bulb goes on in my brain. I read a lot and philosophise and pontificate to my friends all the time about a million things, the natural way of the world being a favourite subject. But I managed to miss this somehow. I understand and have chatted at length over a long time about why it might be in the species best interests to have the man and woman stick together for the childrens rearing and protection and whatnot, but I always looked at this like a 10-15-20 year thing, depending on the society / historical timeframe and the relative maturity of the children involved. But your post went 'click' with me. Its surely the foundation of the so called 'seven year itch' - couples come together, make a baby, then stick together for 5-7 years, then move on and make more babies with other partners and so on and so forth. How did I miss understanding the blindingly obvious? 2
c57dood Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Well I guess I'm just a shallow person by nature. Not into getting deep and serious. Stresses me out. I just want to enjoy myself with other people and have the freedom to go and come as a please without having to deal with drama and include someone else in all my decisions. The main problem I have with committed relationships is it feels almost like being a kid again. Everything I do I need to hear someone else's opinion about it or consider how someone else feels about it. I'm a person who doesn't like to compromise. I like things my way. It isn't necessarily shallow, but look at how far we've come from love stories like Romeo and Juliet; fantasies like The Notebook, or tales of unrequited love. "'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all." You may say that they are just fairy tales or fantasy, but true love itself is often a fantasy all of us deep down inside wish to experience, but because it leaves us in a vulnerable state, we avoid it. Also, because we always "want things our way", we remain in this child-like state all our lives. We kick and scream how much we're in control and how independent we are when in reality we're still little kids who figuratively "won't touch the hot stove" again also known as true, deep love to one person. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 To be honest, as a woman that doesn't want kids - I really don't see any benefit of being in a comitted relationship. When I lived with my ex, I used to do tripple the amount of house work that I do now. I was always picking up his dirty socks, cooking what he likes, having to compromise on what we do/ who we see all the time. I had to put up with increasingly boring sex life. I had to report where I am all the time. I had to put up with his horrendeous family. I felt trapped and suffocated... I am now free as a bird My new FWB is making a picnic for me on the beach this Saturday, no dirty socks in sight. 1
sweetjasmine Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Its like a high from a drug that is always followed by a crash later. Kind of like Cocaine. Its a cheap thrill and can ruin your life and destroy your soul in the long run. The rush and butterflies never last for life, but if you're doing it right, something quiet, deep, and meaningful follows that rush, and every now and then, you get occasional flickers of the rush you used to feel at unexpected moments. If you're constantly seeking that rush at full blast, then serious relationships won't ever work for you. It may not be what you want in your own life, but it's silly to discount the experiences of others. 3
Mumbles Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 To be honest, as a woman that doesn't want kids - I really don't see any benefit of being in a comitted relationship. I find myself agreeing with this. I'm long out of my marriage and at an age where its not impossible, but increasingly unlikely I'll have any children (wolud need to find a ridiculously young wife, yadda, yadda). I've not decided, per se, to not have any children, but it looks like this is the way my cookie is likely to crumble. I think I'm alright. But you are right, assuming the prospect of creating a family is pretty thin, why would I be choosing a committed relationship? I'm not sure of the answer. I do miss the intimacy of my marriage. I'm talking the physical sure, but not only that. As someone who was never emotionally intimate with casual girlfriends in my early life I'm not sure if this is even possible in the casual dating/sex scene. When I lived with my ex, I used to do tripple the amount of house work that I do now. I was always picking up his dirty socks Its been said that automatic dishwashers have saved a million marriages and more I think cleaning is like sex, we can have really unmatched partners. I hate cleaning, but because of that I really try hard not to make a mess in the first place (because I'd hate cleaning it up). So... I don't clean much, but I don't live in filth either. My ex was filthy... mess and crap everywhere all the time, and she'd spend half her life cleaning it up, and so would I for gods sakes, that really pissed me off to no end. I am now free as a bird My new FWB is making a picnic for me on the beach this Saturday, no dirty socks in sight. Its an enticing mental image I must admit. I'm starting to emerge out the other end of a long introspection phase after my marriage breakdown. Several realistic possibilities seem to be presenting themselves, and FWB is one of those. I guess comms and honestly would be the key to making this work for everyone? If you're not exclusive and don't want to be, then make it clear so that a faux relationship doesn't start to evolve. I don't know, I should try it before I knock it, but it seems like something I'd find messy and uncomfortable in the end. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Word, word, word... some good points being made in here. Of course it's a combo of several of those things. Like Castle said, keeping things "casual" doesn't mean purely physical, or that you can't thoroughly enjoy the other person's company. Just no commitment and thus no (or at least a lessened) risk of anyone getting hurt. Being in love with someone, in a committed relationship, is risky. The end can hurt in a profoundly painful way. As was pointed out, most relationships fail, and the younger generation are increasingly aware of this. Thus they're more wary to get attached to new people. In the eyes of this modern, more progressive generation, marriage is no longer something to seek out asap once in adulthood, but something to hold off on until you "really know yourself". I completely agree with that sentiment. It is kind of sad though, that these days, if you're young and not looking to settle down, then when you "fall for someone", you're not simply taking the risk of being hurt. It's kind of implied. Almost guaranteed. You're either gonna be with the person "forever", or you're not. It seems like in modern times it's getting harder for people to ignore that truth and just let things go where they will. When I first broke up with my ex, and began what was the longterm downfall of our relationship, I told her it wasn't any shortcoming on her part, but that I knew I wasn't gonna be getting into a "forever" arrangement at age 23; that I saw marriage as something for the next decade of my life. One thing led to another, and we ended up back together. My thoughts on marriage hadn't changed, but I was enjoying the present, so it was fine with me. She on the other hand, I imagine, was trying to mentally sweep her knowledge of my stance under the rug the whole time. Which I think is what led to her finally ending it for real, after a few attempts, over a year later. The pain of losing me as her man was more tolerable than proceeding with the underlying knowledge that I wouldn't be settling down with her; that we were on some futile crash course. Anyway, tangential but relevant I think. So, yeah.
c57dood Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Well.. the problem with love is there is really no benefit to it long term. Its always a fleeting thing. While you can love someone for life, deep, passionate, romantic love never lasts. Its like a high from a drug that is always followed by a crash later. Kind of like Cocaine. Its a cheap thrill and can ruin your life and destroy your soul in the long run. The purpose of romantic relationships is reproduction. That's really the only purpose. Sex and attraction is fun because it makes us reproduce. Love is pointless. Well, life is a fleeting thing too. I used to think like that, that love was analogous to a drug induced euphoria, but then I stumbled upon an old picture of my grandparents, and on the lower left corner of the picture was a deep red rose. I remember my grandmother dying and my grandfather was devastated. They'd been married since their teens and she was his life. Everything he did, he did for her and everyone could see how he lost his will to live soon after she was gone. That deep red rose, with thorns cutting open skin to bleed the same color, was the symbol of their love. I believe every man desires to find his rose and live his life for her, because true love takes bravery, courage, and above all a heart like burning ember that only extinguishes when his rose has passed away. If all we want is sexual gratification, we miss the love that separates us from lowly animals, and I disagree that we upright vertical beings are equal to the animals which tend to horizontal inclination. 6
RogerWallace111 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Yeah, life is f*cking fleeting ^... That's why regardless of all that's been discussed in here, when a girl who really entices me comes along, I won't stop myself from falling for her.
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