valeriepm Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Me and my ex are 20 years old, had an apartment together (although he recently moved back to his parents for school the day before we broke up), and he even introduced me to people as his fiance. He loved me a lot and was always so affectionate. We have been together for three years. Over three weeks ago, we had two fights in the course of two days. The first was because he moved into his parents without telling me (knew it would upset me) and the second was because I disrespected his and his family's beliefs (which are unusual) and got very worked up about it. I told him I needed a break to think things over and left - he walked back to his grandparents house, sobbing apparently, saying "I hurt her really bad - I can tell." I made the mistake of saying things out of emotion (such as "I feel like I've wasted three years of my life" and etc). He believes I broke up with him (which I truly didn't, but it could have sounded that way). He picked up his stuff the next day and was really angry - although he gave me a hug when he left and said he hated to see me cry. The days after this, he said he still wanted to be with me, I was his "pumpkin," but I needed to talk to his family because he didn't have their blessing (which I later found out wasn't true at all). He suddenly ignored my calls/texts, got very angry with me when I wanted my stuff back over the phone, and gave me the breakup speech. I got my stuff the next day and he said he wanted to be with me, everything was ok, etc. He texted me the day after asking me to come over but I couldn't because of work. The day after he began ignoring me again! The process repeated itself and he gave me the same breakup speech and said he only got back together with me so I would stop feeling bad (which I know isn't true - he even invited me over the day after). He said he couldn't stop thinking about the stuff I said when I was mad (he even brought up stuff from months ago), said I wasn't affectionate enough, and he hated how I left when I was upset - but those were the only problems. He ignored me for over a week after that - I only received a "hope you feel better, goodnight" a few hours later. I went to his place a few days ago demanding a proper breakup. He really went over the edge and I could tell he was emotionally upset - no eye contact, his voice cracking, etc. He yelled and yelled - called me crazy, said there's nothing to talk about, go find a better man, leave me alone, etc. I listened to him quietly, didn't even respond, and left after about five minutes. People tell me that he is over the relationship, "cutting his losses," and hanging out with friends every day to forget about me. I haven't contacted him since I went to his house three days ago (and don't plan to either). Is he really over me? According to others, he seems to be handling it so well and keeping his mind busy...I just can't believe it after all his mixed emotions these past weeks. Do you think he'll contact me once his anger subsides? I miss him terribly - we were very similar people and the situation (at least to me) seems so over dramatized. Thank you.
Samilia Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Me and my ex are 20 years old, had an apartment together (although he recently moved back to his parents for school the day before we broke up), and he even introduced me to people as his fiance. He loved me a lot and was always so affectionate. We have been together for three years. Over three weeks ago, we had two fights in the course of two days. The first was because he moved into his parents without telling me (knew it would upset me) and the second was because I disrespected his and his family's beliefs (which are unusual) and got very worked up about it. I told him I needed a break to think things over and left - he walked back to his grandparents house, sobbing apparently, saying "I hurt her really bad - I can tell." I made the mistake of saying things out of emotion (such as "I feel like I've wasted three years of my life" and etc). He believes I broke up with him (which I truly didn't, but it could have sounded that way). He picked up his stuff the next day and was really angry - although he gave me a hug when he left and said he hated to see me cry. The days after this, he said he still wanted to be with me, I was his "pumpkin," but I needed to talk to his family because he didn't have their blessing (which I later found out wasn't true at all). He suddenly ignored my calls/texts, got very angry with me when I wanted my stuff back over the phone, and gave me the breakup speech. I got my stuff the next day and he said he wanted to be with me, everything was ok, etc. He texted me the day after asking me to come over but I couldn't because of work. The day after he began ignoring me again! The process repeated itself and he gave me the same breakup speech and said he only got back together with me so I would stop feeling bad (which I know isn't true - he even invited me over the day after). He said he couldn't stop thinking about the stuff I said when I was mad (he even brought up stuff from months ago), said I wasn't affectionate enough, and he hated how I left when I was upset - but those were the only problems. He ignored me for over a week after that - I only received a "hope you feel better, goodnight" a few hours later. I went to his place a few days ago demanding a proper breakup. He really went over the edge and I could tell he was emotionally upset - no eye contact, his voice cracking, etc. He yelled and yelled - called me crazy, said there's nothing to talk about, go find a better man, leave me alone, etc. I listened to him quietly, didn't even respond, and left after about five minutes. People tell me that he is over the relationship, "cutting his losses," and hanging out with friends every day to forget about me. I haven't contacted him since I went to his house three days ago (and don't plan to either). Is he really over me? According to others, he seems to be handling it so well and keeping his mind busy...I just can't believe it after all his mixed emotions these past weeks. Do you think he'll contact me once his anger subsides? I miss him terribly - we were very similar people and the situation (at least to me) seems so over dramatized. Thank you. Him moving out and living back at his parents probably isn't good news for the relationship. I don't know if he will "take you back" but it seems like you guys need some space and time. There is a lot of feelings and tension right now, give him some time to think things over. Do the same thing, think about the relationship and your future.
Author valeriepm Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I should have given him space earlier - but I am definitely doing it now (both for my sake and in the hopes that he'll miss me, get his emotions together, remember the good times, etc). Everything, for him, is different since we broke up (new place to live, new job, looking forward to school/deciding where to go and what to do). I feel like all these factors work against me because he's not facing memories every day like I do. Everything has changed for him. I am trying to recover myself and become a stronger person in this process - I just feel afraid he's going to forget about me and not even attempt to contact me. He's an emotional person (although he has taken his emotions into the form of anger since he enlisted in the army) and it's hard to think he just doesn't care anymore. I wrote him letters every day for four months while he was at basic training - he was so happy when we were reunited and told me he would cry at night when he thought of me.
Samilia Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 It's not too late to give him some space. On your side don't just sit at home waiting for his decision to be made. Decide to get busy and involved. I say involved because watching TV doesn't qualify as being busy (at least for me it doesn't), it qualifies as being bored. Why not start volunteering, the gym, school why not, new job, friends, etc... there is plenty to do to show him that you aren't waiting in puppy mode for him to take his decision. Also, it will help you get back on track.
Author valeriepm Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Thanks, that's good advice - trying something new and experiencing different things will help me move on and not make "waiting for him" my first priority.
Cealabeala Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 He sounds incredibly confused, and like he's unable to tell you about how he's actually feeling because he's not in touch with the feelings himself. Plus he's been dishonest for his reasons for doing things. He seems to have a wall up. Maybe he was hurt and took it as a reflection on him when you made the "I've wasted years with you" comment. Him telling you to find a better boyfriend implies that he doesn't feel great about himself right now. Since he has been changing his mind repeatedly it's very possible that he could easily just change it again. My advice would be to give him a lot of space and see if he contacts you on his own. In the mean time try to look after your own well-being and get some support from friends and family to have someone to talk and cry with. If he does ask you to get back together make sure to try and get him to be honest with you about why he ended things. If after a few weeks he hasn't been in touch then you could try letting him know one last time how you feel about him and that you're willing to work at the relationship and clear up anything you said out of anger. And if he is serious about moving on you deserve a real explanation from him so ask for one. Best of luck.
Author valeriepm Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I agree with you - he has been very confused. I'm angry that he lied to me (he has never lied to me about anything before) and put the blame on his family - a strange lie to begin with. He has been acting very unstable these past three weeks so I'll just let it go for now. You are also completely right when it comes to his feelings of inadequacy. He also brought up a comment I made months ago about "not wanting to be the bread winner of the family." He had been laid off (not his fault, just low-end jobs) multiple times in the past few months and I was getting irritated that he refused to go to school, get a trade, something. That comment, understandably, really hurt his feelings. I'm a sophomore in college, felt like I was the only one trying and not getting appreciated for it, and he would say "go get a college boy - I guarantee he can't make you happy. He'll leave you right after you sleep with him." However, this conversation only came up twice and I feel bad for pushing it. It's not a big deal and it's not about money - I just wanted to feel like he was trying so we could have a stable life together. Thanks for replying, it's good to hear another's opinion without the biased family/friends response - I'll continue to work on myself and give him space. If we do get back together, I'll make sure to address my mistakes and fix them. I'll let you know how all this turns out - whether he contacts me soon or never.
DXD Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I'm in a situation like yours too. Hopefully they'll come around Just continue NC and try not to think about whether or not he'll get back in touch.
Author valeriepm Posted December 14, 2012 Author Posted December 14, 2012 Thanks, glad to know I'm not alone.
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