When is quitting the right thing?

[Confused in STL]

I have considered ending a committed relationship for a number of months. I don't like to think of myself as a quitter. But I realize I need to also consider my own interests.

 

After a marriage of 20 years ended (my x-wife's decision) I met a young lady. We met as she was going through a divorce. We almost immediately moved in together and things seemed to go well. About a year after meeting we had a commitment ceremony. Things began to change shortly after the ceremony and we seemed to be having more bad days than good. I recommended we see a couples counselor and she agreed. We have been in counseling for about a year and some things have improved. But this really is not what I wanted out of life.

 

We live in separate bedrooms and our sex life is nothing like it was prior to the ceremony. She has quit her job and receives government assistance for her child. She seems to frequently get quite angry and very frustrated over trivial things. It is as if she snaps, then the rest of the day she is very short tempered and difficult to be around. I'm not comfortable around screaming people and hardly ever loose my temper.

 

My personality is to accept people for who they are and look for the good in everyone. I can find something to make me smile in many difficult situations. And I usually feel positive about the day. I see myself as a person that can help others resolve conflict and in my earlier years worked in law enforcement.

 

I recently found that my depression about this relationship was getting the best of me and began individual counseling (CBT). That has gone amazingly well and my self confidence is back. I'm thinking it is time to end this relationship since it appears that I'm being taken advantage of both financially and emotionally. But I take the commitment ceremony seriously and wonder if this is just a phase she is going through. Wonder if she has emotional problems that she is just refusing to address (family history of bi-polar disorder). If so, then does the "in sickness and in health" thing mean that I should stick with it? I want to be a better person to others than my x-wife was to me when she decided that her mind was made up and the marriage was over. Maybe I just need to accept that this is something where a person never feels overly comfortable with the decision to end a relationship. I'm in my 50s and would like to find comfort in a close loving commitment I always assumed I would have by this point in my life.

 

To quit or not to quit, that is the question... Feel free to voice your opinions or to ask questions to help me think through this.

[Downtown]

It is as if she snaps....Wonder if she has emotional problems that she is just refusing to address (family history of bi-polar disorder).

Confused, frequent mood changes can be caused by drug abuse, a brain injury, or a hormone change (e.g., pregnancy or postpartum). If those can be ruled out, however, strong mood changes usually are caused by bipolar disorder or strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to many psychologists in weekly visits for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found twelve clear differences between the two disorders.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer usually swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. Significantly, you do not mention her swinging between mania and depression but you do mention her flipping from loving you to devaluing you.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days (or even one day). The latter therefore seems more consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums.

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the tantrums you describe.

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the behavior you describe seems consistent with these event-triggered outbursts.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger.

 

An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality. During the courtship period, BPDers typically are very passionate and loving because their infatuation holds their two fears at bay. The fears return, however, when the infatuation evaporates. This is why the couple's sex life typically goes off a cliff after the wedding, if not sooner.

 

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

 

A ninth difference is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings.

 

A tenth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.

 

An eleventh difference is that, whereas BPDers are always convinced they are "The Victim," bipolar sufferers usually have a much stronger self image. BPDers therefore have a strong need to validate that false self image by blaming every misfortune on the spouse.

 

Finally, a twelfth difference is that, although bipolar sufferers are emotionally unstable, they generally are not immature or childlike. BPDers, in contrast, are so immature that their emotional development typically is frozen at about age four. This is why they have a very fragile self image and have difficulty controlling their emotions.

To quit or not to quit, that is the question.

I suggest that, before making your decision, you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest, while you're waiting for an appointment, that you read about bipolar and BPD traits to see if some of them sound very familiar. Of course, you won't be able to diagnose your partner. Only professionals can do that. You nonetheless can learn how to spot the red flags. There is nothing subtle about traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and lack of trust. An easy place to start reading about BPD traits is my description of them in Rebel's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Confused.

[Mr. Asiana]

I was also married for 20 years. I dated several women for around 4 years and non of them compared to the mild temperament that my wife had. Granted most of the women were around 4 years to 15 years my jr.. My current GF is an "angry" type. She has some very enduring qualities, but her anger has caused major has worn on my patients. I'm at the end of my particular rope and really starting to feel that we need to end what ever it is we have. Sounds like she got baggage and you've been married long enough to not get bogged down by someone who can take you down. Its been August when you posted, hows it going now?

[Gottabestrong]

Before you break up, I would sit her down and talk about all the things that bother you. Make it clear that you are not happy and don't want to go on like that. Don't break up in this conversation, but make it clear what bothers you and that you are serious about it.

 

Then wait a few weeks or months to see if she changes at all. If she does not, then you can talk to her again and tell her that things have not changed and you want to break up.

 

If you give her a chance to change, then you won't feel as bad about breaking up later. Also find out if there are things that you do, that she dislikes and try to work on them.

[Cealabeala]

You sound very condescending to be around. Maybe you should try harder not to be a jerk.

[Confused in STL]

You sound very condescending to be around. Maybe you should try harder not to be a jerk.

 

LOL, yes that is almost exactly what it is like to be around her. It makes me wonder why some people go through life so angry.

[veggirl]

Well you guys both rebounded with each other. Why in the world would you move in with someone you just met? You didn't even know her yet and now you do and you see who she really is...a nasty angry woman! Sounds like you've spent as much time UNhappy in this relationship as you have spent happy...that's probably when it's time to call it quits...

 

I don't know why people get so hellbent on "saving" crappy relationships. You sound miserable, she sounds like hell to be around, just walk away...why do you want to save a sexless, angry relationship? it's barely a year old, too soon for all this s.hit.