I miss her

[bdizzle]

So back story. We were together for a few months back in '10, ended, not really anything dramatic or anything, just went our separate ways. She’s the type that moves pretty quickly, as am I so we both found something, while hers was more permanent, mine were flings.

 

We moved on to different people. Enter September '11. Saw a girl on match, clicked the profile, it was her. Sent her a friendly hello, talked for a little while then let it be, didn't think twice about it. Few weeks later she contacted me and we got together.

 

We were supposed to move in together in March, but I got cold feet, as I've been living alone for the past 12 years, I was scared of losing my personal space. I ended up moving in to a house I had inherited, and let her move in to me pre-existing residence. No rent or anything of the sort. She’s claim before that me backing out of moving in together changed something and how she was so embarrassed that I backed out, etc. She never posts on Facebook about me (which she did religiously with her previous bf, who by the way cheated on her, she left him).

 

Over the course of the year+ things have been good but 3-4 months started getting sour, and here we are. The past few months have been met with arguing, loss of interest/intimacy/and general uncaring.

This past Sunday, I finally told her I couldn't do it anymore, how I never asked her for anything. No rent, never to be paid back from buying her and her 2 kids (from a previous relationship) groceries, or paying some of her bills to keep her afloat, or for the numerous vacations that I took her and her kids on. Generally had it pretty good. She’s in a deep depression with bills right now. Barely surviving, pay check to paycheck, selling her personal things to make ends meet. I just want to be treated like a human being. Affection, attention, just show me some respect. She told me this was the best she could do right now and that what I was getting for now, was simply all she could do. Her child is really sick as well, so I know that’s been weighing on her. Anyways, after I said my piece, I helped her hang Christmas lights and helped her kids decorate thier Christmas tree. I gave her all my presents for her and her kids.

 

She made dinner and rice Krispy treats that day, but one day out of 3-4 months didn’t cut it. I love her and her boys so much. She claims to, but you don't treat people this way. I said my piece to her, and even said goodbye to her kids, hardest thing I've ever done. I even put them to bed. Most difficult day of my life. We talked for a little while after before I left. She said again, this is the best I can do now, I’m l drowning and all I want to do is curl up and die. She did say I guess I can try harder but I cant promise anything.

 

I sit here now and while I miss her so much, I begin to wonder if I will ever hear from her again. I have asked other people about this and their response is “you probably will, she has nothing to lose and everything to gain by keeping in touch with you as a true friend/beneficiary.” The whole house thing is a sticky situation, and mentioned she would need to be out in February '13 so I could rent it out, and she could live with me (that was a couple weeks ago). I felt I was finally ready for that step. Obviously that’s' out the window now. I look at her Facebook. She has not defriended me/blocked me, and it still says in a relationship and she has been posting almost daily. Nothing about us breaking up though, just general friend stuff.

 

I sit here and think I did the right thing, but maybe, just maybe I was premature. I finally had to leave as it was getting late on Sunday. I said I do not know where to go from here, and her response was txt me when you get home. Therefore, I did. The last messages we have sent to one another as follows:

 

Me: I'm about home. I'm sorry this was such an emotionally draining day for you and I both. My cards are on the table, if you choose to/want to do anything about it, great. If not, no problem no hard feelings. I love you regardless. Goodnight.

 

Her: I love you too. Goodnight. I wish it wasn’t so late so I could take something to sleep.

 

That was Sunday. Haven't heard from her since.

I don’t believe I did anything to deserve this. I know I have emotional ups and downs at times, as does she. I know I can be difficult to get along with at times, so is she. But why hasn’t she contacted me yet? I know it’s been three days but I’m dying here

 

I wrote her a final goodbye letter that IO gave her on Sunday. I was so angry, so hurt, so frustrated. Everything came out. Told her about my gift this year to her boys was a Disneyland vacation and a proposal under Disney fireworks. Told her how she would be missing us going to Hawaii and Fiji in 2013. Everything I had planned and already bought, while it means nothing but heartache now, I told her of.

 

I’m miserable. I miss her. I miss her boys. Will I ever hear from her again? Should I contact her? I’ve been reading these forums all day today as its been especially hard today for some reason. I see majority is “he/she broke up with me.” What happens when its YOU doing the breakup? I’ve been dumped before and with time that person came back. What about now though? I’ve never broken up with someone before, but I just can’t handle the way she treats me lately. Does she come back? Do I go back to her? What’s the game plan in a situation like this?

 

Thoughts? Reactions? Input? Help me here, I don’t really know what to do or say or think at this point.

 

Thank you for listening/reading

-Brandon

[bdizzle]

Some other information:

We're supposed to go see the Hobbit on Saturday with all my friends at a luxury theater. Sunday supposed to go to Cardinals game, again, with all my friends. Then Next Sunday, a Christmas party at her(my) house for a gift exchange, AGAIN, with all my friends.

 

All these future plans that involve so much. She had it so good. Why doesnt she see I just wanted/want her to treat me like an equal. I didnt throw any of it at her ever. I did mention that I never asked for anything but love in return. I know you can't make someone love you. Yes, she loves me as a person, but do I feel she's IN LOVE with me, no. SHe praises her friends for being so supportive and helpful, yet, none of them were at the hospital with her and her child like I was. Noone watched her kids but me while she went out of town for family things. They never paid her bills like I did. Why am I losing when she had so much to gain??!

 

What do I do? This royally sucks

[Gottabestrong]

Hi Brandon,

if I understand correctly you broke up with her, because she was not showing you affection. Is that correct? I assume you already talked to her about it in the past, and she knew what you needed, but just didn't/couldn't give you what you need?

 

My advice is this: Hopefully you thought about this long and hard before you ended the relationship. You had valid reasons and they are still there. Don't change your mind now, just because you miss her and her boys. Take a few weeks to get some space between the two of you and some perspective. In a month or so you will have a better idea of whether this breakup is for the best.

 

She probably thinks about you and misses you, but you ended things remember? She probably has some pride and does not contact you because you dumped her. Even if you had valid reasons. Also, if you sent her an angry letter, she probably feels even less like contacting you.

 

Don't focus so much on the material things like you paying her bills, taking her on vacation or her living in your house for free. These things won't make her love you or treat you more affectionately, unless she is with you just for your money, and you hopefully don't want to be with someone like that anyway.

[bdizzle]

Correct, I broke up with her, at least temporarily. Then this past weekend happened.

 

She txt me on Wednesday saying I miss you. I called her Thursday in which we talked for hours. Not so much about us, but more about what's been going on with her and I through the week.

 

Her son was to stay home on Friday for an in-home clean out in which case I offered to let her borrow one of my Dtv boxes so he wouldn't be bored at home. Ended the conversation with see you in the morning, I love you (both of us said it).

Her and he came over Friday morning. We talked for about 15 minutes and then they had to leave. Walked them to the car and gave them a huh good ye, again I love yous were said. This time though, he started crying saying he missed me in which I said "your mom and I will talk, we just want what's best for you. Later in the day she called me for help about the tv. Went over there, fixed it, brought groceries, said goodbye and again, love yous were said.

 

Friday night. Had somewhat of a blowout. Told her setting so private as to clue her in about my trust issues in which she didnt respond. Waited a few hours and asked "so ignoring me now?" And then called a few times to try and talk to her. Ended up she was at her friends house (who I did talk to to confirm) and then it lead to a conversation about how she needs to do alot of thinking and how the boys are so sad that I'm gone and how she doesn't know if she can let me back in in order to protect their feelings. Understandable. Anyway long story short, the last words that were said was I have a lot of thinking to do (she said that), I wished her a safe weekend and take care, and then I love yous on both out parts. That was the last I've heard from her.

 

It's been four days. I know it's not long, but through all the time I've known her this is the longest we've gone without so much as a hello or anything. I was prepared for three days as that's what it was last week, but now being four, it feels so grim and sad. I don't know what to do. All I can think about is her and her boys. Still have some Xmas gifts that I want to give them. And then I think about the Disney trip. I'm so broken right now. I don't know if she is upset or thinking about me at all. She hasn't blocked me on facebook yet not has her relationship status changed. I'm so lost and alone right now. My best friend is gone and I know of no way to get her back.

[Pinky777]

I know you love her and miss her and her boys terribly, but it just doesn't sound like the relationship could work until she's in a better place. It must be a terrible thing to live paycheck to paycheck while raising two kids, relying on the kindness of someone who loves her very much but that she could give nothing back but love in return. I know that is all you asked, but I'd feel guilty and unworthy as hell. The truth is, you weren't getting what you needed out of the relationship or else you wouldn't have broken up with her. In the end you gave her money, affection, showed her a good time, but what did you get in return? Doesn't sound like it was a give and take to me. My BF and I broke up little over a month ago and while it was a bit of a relief because I cared a lot more than he did, it's still devastating and I miss him every second of every day. She was in your life for a long time, you lived together and shared everything together and now she's gone. Of course you miss her.

 

I believe she's depressed and that her depression caused her not to be affectionate. You mentioned she has a sick kid, that must be weighing heavily on her and you took a back burner in her thoughts as a result. And your angry letter - you may have just been venting, but remember all of the things you felt in that letter, you wrote that for a reason. But after getting dumped and then being sent an angry goodbye letter, I wouldn't be knocking my ex's door down either. Her pride is hurt and she's probably realizing things ended for the best.

 

Do you want her back? Or do you just miss her? You will always miss her but it won't always be this hard. The first couple of weeks are the worst espeically during the holiddays. Plus you are still in contact, you haven't let go yet. Whether you really want to get back with her or whether you just miss her you need to give each other some breathing room. Emotions are still raw and you won't be thinking clearly. I know it's hard, but try to focus on your house, your job, your friends, it sounds like you have a lot to keep you busy. Getting some distance will give you some perspective.

 

These days are the worst though. I know it's trite, but hang in there, and take it day by day it gets better.

[bdizzle]

I know. I should have never given her that letter. I just wanted so badly for her to see what she'd put me through and what she'd be missing out on. I think in my mind it was to "spark" her thinking like "he's right...I'm giving up so much." etc.

 

As far as the depression, I know thats weighing on her. She said shes trying an anti-depressant, but I also know theres more aspects of it. The child being sick, the bills, selling her things to try and make ends meet, weight gain, so many factors weighing on her, and I just wanted to be apart of them to try and make things a bit easier for her. Not even sure how this whole house thing is going to go down. I did mention previously she would need to be out in February.

 

Her mom called me last night. She touched on a few things. A. the boys need me, and i'm such a good role model to them. B. some perosnal issues regarding my ex, and C. to tell me not to kick them out in the cold. Never my intention to put children out on the street and told her without a relationship, theres no reason why she should be there as it was only temporary until I was ready for her to come here with me. I guess that's going to be a whole new mess when the time comes.

 

As far as do I want her back. Yes, I do. SHe makes me want to be a better person. Her boys have touched me in a way I never knew I could feel, and their not even my children. That aside, I felt like their father, trying to teach them right/wrong, manners, and generally how to grow up to be men. I know their young and resilient and will bounce back from this, but its left me devistated knowing, it wasnt just her that is missing, its those little men. While the bad times have been brutal between her and I, the good has outweighed the bad for the most part. I know theres more out there, and time will pass, but never have I had so much invested (emotionally as well as other aspects) in one relationship or even one person for that matter. I see those faces, all three of them, and I'm just shred all over again. Not talking is just the icing on the cake.

I believe I was irrational in calling it quits, and as such went back to try and make amends without actually saying so, but then the "I have a lot to think about" came from her, so going from dumper to dumpee...I just don't know.

[bdizzle]

Update:

 

So...I cracked and contacted her on Wednesday morning.

Tried doing a whole "Sex and the City" thing, where Miranda and Steve decide to meet on the bridge and forgive the past and move on.

Fail.

 

It was her sons christmas program, but was late enough she could have gone. She even sent me pictures of him at his show. Heartbreaking.

 

She text me an hour before the set time and asked "Can you please give me a little more time...I can't make a life altering decision in a day."

I said no and I will be there, if you choose to meet me, great. If not, thats ok."

She didnt show obviously.

 

I drove to her house and gave her the "letter" of what I was hoping to accomplish that night. I do better when I write stuff down instead of just speaking. She gave me a hug, said i love you, asked me if i wanted to come in to watch her sons program that she recorded. I didnt. ANyways, left with hugs and love yous. Said she would call me after reading my "letter.

 

I went home and about 30 minutes later she txt me saying "thank you for the letter, i need a couple days to process all this. Does that work for you?"

I said ok

She responded "You should know I love you, truly love you."

I said I love you too. I love the boys too.

She responded "The boys need you!!!!"

Last contact.

 

Today I took the first step. Shes been posting all this cheery BS on facebook in the past 24 hours, who knows why. "Thanks to everyone for making me so blessed and a special christmas for me and the boys" etc etc. I just cant take seeing these posts. I finally unfriended her. (We were still FB friends and her relationship status still said in a relationship as of this morning).

 

I've deleted photos both facebook and computer, got rid of cards, put away remainding Christmas gifts that were for her and her boys, pretty much most of the reminders I can think of that involve her.

 

So begins my cleanse.

 

I love you Natalie. Sorry it couldn't work out.

I love you boys. Sorry it couldn't work out.

[Bumaga vsyo sterpit]

Natalie is Latin for Christmas.

 

She's just being true to her name, that's all.

[bdizzle]

Well, here we are again.

New Years Eve, while just another day, is fast approaching, and much like Christmas, hopes of getting a txt or something will go unanswered I'm sure.

 

I don't know how to shake this feeling or get over her. While I was the one that broke it off, I went back almost begging, and then she says "alot to think about" and "need a few days." That was the 19th. January 2nd will be two weeks NC.

 

Asked one of my friends to talk to her on Wednesday. Again, her response relayed was "still so confused, don't know what to do."

 

I drove past her/my house tonight (saturday) to see if someone else was there or if she was even home. Think she may have been home but who knows. Don't know why I put myself through that or just don't/can't let go.

[crashvector]

I wish I could offer you more but my pain is too raw to really be much help.

 

If it is of some small consolation, what caused me to click your thread was the title "I miss her".

 

I know exactly how you feel...I am missing MY sweetheart terribly right now, too.

 

You are not alone in this brother....I do not know if you are a religious man or not, but I keep reading this to try and remind me that there IS a higher power that cares about what you are going through:

 

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit"

 

I wish I could help more, I truly do. No one should have to deal with these feelings of pain and longing.

[OJ loved Nicole]

So begins my cleanse.

 

Stick to this, don't be a "wishy washy male". You ended it for a reason, she offered zero residence, she's shrugged off all of your reconciliation attempts, she is no longer worth your time.

 

To me, your initial breakup sounds like a secret ultimatum you gave her,

 

"Natalie, I don't like how I'm being treated, we've argued, talked, and your actions haven't improved. I'm leaving you now to shock you into changing, I hope this sends the message."

 

Now you're realizing that the message didn't hit home, or it did and it didn't mean as much to her as you were hoping. She's given you your answer, if she wanted to be with you SHE WOULD, she knows exactly how you feel about her.

 

You deserve someone who isn't confused, who knows what they want, and they want you 100% for YOU.

[bdizzle]

So I think I've fallen victim to bread crumbs.

 

New Years Eve.

2 weeks No contact. Went out with friends, had a decent time, but talked to one of my friends about this whole mess and began feeling really down so I went home and got in bed (before midnight). 2am Tuesday morning rolls around and I get a txt from her saying:

Meet me tomorrow please? Happy new year. It wasnt the same without you. Could not go back to sleep for the life of me.

 

New Years Day:

Finally respond to her message around 3pm saying when and where, couple exhcnaged messages, she suggest Wednesday, i say "im not sure why we're waiting, but wednesday is fine. She says "because the boys. its hard to have a meaningful conversation about our future with them around." We decide on Wednesday night after a dr appointment. Conversation ended.

 

Wednesday:

630pm rolls around, I'm wondering whats taking so long at dr. I send her a message asking did you still want to meet or no? Roughly an hour later, she calls me, saying she had a cast put on her hand (apparently had broken her hand before Christmas but just now got in to dr). Sends me a picture of cast and everything. On phone, we decide to meet Friday afternoon after job interview for lunch. She says I miss you...i hesitate...I say i miss you too. She then says i love you...again, I hesitate, but end up saying i love you too. I say I guess I will talk to you Friday, we say "goodbye" and hang up.

 

Thursday:

NC

 

Friday:

I text her around 2pm this afternoon asking "did I misunderstand you? Did you still want to have lunch today or change your mind?"

She responds, sorry, ended up going in to work.

I say okay so now what?

She responds, Im not sure but I'd still like to talk.

I ask "when"

She says "I dont know"

I proceed to say "I feel like I am being strung along. If contacting me on New Years was a mistake, ok, its fine, but its not fair to me to be put through this. Wednesday is understandable, but you could have told me earlier today you were going in to work. If you want to talk, great, but we need to talk, with or without boys around."

 

She responds with "Didnt know I would be going in today and phone died until i got charger at lunch. Also, I'm sorry, but i dont want boys involved. I dont know what will come from talking, but i do think we should talk. If you can't wait thats on you"

Shes clearly defensive at this point.

 

I say "no need to be sorry, but yes we need to talk. Tomorrow? SUnday?

 

She responds "maybe i can take boys to park and we can meet there and talk"

I say thats fine, or we can plan on Wednesday at (place) at 7pm.

She responds "I have follow up appointment at 6 for cast, since hand was out of cast for so long they're worried might be permanent damage, but can meet after that?

 

I say "Pick one. Sat/Sun at park, or Wednesday"

 

And thats where the conversation stopped.

 

She has her kids this weekend. But to just stop a conversation like that, unresolved and no definitive answer? Im sure she'll opt for the Wednesday option if I end up hearing from her again since she "doesnt want boys involved" but yet wants to meet at a park where they will be playing? If that were to happen, I'm sure they would see me. Yet she tells me when we break up "the boys need you" and calls it a "meaningful conversation."

 

I didn't initiate contact. I finally decided I wasnt going to dwell on the pain and hurt anymore being 2013 and start to live again. ANd she opens the can. So here I am again, wondering.

 

I guess its back to NC. Whats another 4 days (+ more when I don't hear from her again).

 

Thoughts? Do I ask for clarification on which day she would potentially like to pick? Or leave it alone and wait and see?

Nevermind. Took the initiative and asked.

"Sorry to bother/txt you again, but could I get some clarification please? This weekend and if so which day? or Wednesday?"

Her response "Wednesday is fine after my appt."

"Alright. Take care."

 

Ugh. I definitely fell for it.

Edited January 5, 2013 by bdizzle

[LibbyListens]

It is clear she is taking advantage of you. Kick her out. Don't let her use her kids as tools to manipulate you and drag it out so she can sit pretty as long as possible without paying rent.

 

You broke up with her for a reason. She is avoiding you for a reason. Move on.