Divorce Inevitable - Just Don't Know How

[adviseplease25]

Hello All -

 

I am a 34 year old man who has been married to a 28 year old wife for 5 years now. I know that divorce is inevitable, but can't find the courage to initiate it. Below is some background info. Any help would be greatly appreciated!

 

I am 34 years old and married to my 28 year old wife for 5 years. The 5 years have gotten progressively worse. I believe each of us are reponsible, but she says it's 100% (not 99%) my fault and she only gets angry or upset as a reaction to what I do badly.

 

My wife's parents are divorced and she hardly sees her father. She has told me numerous stories where he wasn't there when she was growing up. He always made promises and never showed up. Also, he suffered from substance abuse and was supposedly diagnosed as being bipolar. She rarely talks to him and doesn't want anything to do with him.

 

She does not drink, but rarely, but her mood can turn on a dime. We've been to counciling (4 different councilors) and a couple have told me she probably has borderline personality disorder. Once she makes up her mind about something, there's NO going back - ever! She also (almost daily) tells me that no one loves her. I really think she believes it without a doubt.

 

Many would consider her abusive as when she's mad (very often) she yells as loud as she can, cusses me like no end, tells me I'm a horrible husband, says I'm just like her father and knows that I'll be a horrible father (we have no kids), and in her anger breaks numerous things. In the past year, she's destroyed numerous dishes, 3 iPhones, my iPad, and a 48" TV which she threw off the stand - twice - in a rage - no kidding. Not to mention hitting me, kicking me, and literally ripping shirts off my body from the neck line (not in a sexual way unfortunatly)

 

Again, she says it's 100% my fault and "if I'd start being a husband and treating her like a good husband should, she wouldn't have to react those ways." I asked if our trouble was even 99% my fault and 1% hers and she said no - 100% mine.

 

In the past, I have struggled with alcohol and depression, but have been sober for 5 years now. She still won't let me live it down, though, as she says I'm an addict. Probably my worst attribute is lying. I don't really lie over big stuff, but small stuff like if I smoked that day or not. She's caught me in some of these and it really makes her mad.

 

I come from a family where there has not been any divorce, have a brother who's a doctor and married and a single sister who's an RN. They get along great with my sister in law, but can't with my wife. My wife thinks they hate her and never liked her. If they treat her nice she says they are putting on a front and if they don't call her she says they are ignoring her - a no win situation.

 

She has forbidden me to see my family - even on Christmas as even last Christmas I was only given 2 hours with them then we had to leave.

 

Due to it getting progressively worse, I know that divorce will happen sooner or later. I just don't know how to respectfully initiate it. She has told me before many times that she wished I'd die. She tells me marriage is not really legal, but religous. Therefore if we get a divorce, it's not a divorce in God's eyes and therefore the only way to get a divorce which God "approves" is for me to die. Don't believe she'd kill me, though, by any means.

 

She asks me to leave all of the time. Sometimes I do, but then she sinks into a huge depression and makes me feel extremely guilty to the point I come back. Not only do I come back because of that, but because I know that any item I don't take with me when I leave will be on the front lawn 5 minutes later.

 

I've also considered taking a day off work and moving all of my stuff out while she's not there. The reason I don't do that is that I know how she would probably react and there's no telling what she may do - including to herself.

 

I've spoken to an attorney whos a friend. He couldn't represent me since we are friends and I totally understand. She said she's talked to an attorney too, but said that she will not ever leave because of the God thing - that I must be the one to do it.

 

So - that's what's going on. Believe it or not, it's just a brief and not nearly all of it. By the way, there's been no infidelity or any other kind of cheating, in case anyone asks.

 

Despite what she has mandated, I do speak to my family (causing more lies to be told) and they have my back. They have spoken to a councilor also. The councilor I've been going to for years. All of them say I need to leave as it will only get worse.

 

The question is, how? I must do it by Christmas as I promised that I'd be with the family this year since I really wasn't last year. Any suggestions would be very, very much appreciated.

 

Thanks for your time reading and helping

[TaraMaiden]

Pack some bags, take what you need, tell her you will come back for anything else that is yours, and leave your keys.

see a lawyer.

 

Simple.

 

 

The whole process is really very easy.

You just need the courage/impetus to action it.

The first step is the hardest. after that, the ball rolls.....

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

My sympathies. Leaving a borderline, if she is one, is difficult. My best advice is to put together a concise plan and then execute it fast and clean.

 

Worry about the legal stuff after you reclaim your sanity. What you don't want is having false allegations of domestic violence or abuse leveled against you.

 

Filing is easy in most jurisdictions. In ours, there's a self-help web site for the court, as well as a self-help desk at the courthouse where paid help walks one through the filing procedures.

 

Ask you counselor to assist you with your plan. If your recitation is accurate, you've been beaten down emotionally for many years and feeling helpless and overwhelmed isn't uncommon in such instances.

 

Also, identify and address your single most vivid fear about this dynamic with your counselor. Fear can be paralyzing.

 

Good luck.

[standtall]

Advise...first..if you own a house, do not move out. Second, do you have children? If so, it makes things trickier.Third, grow some nuts and do what you want to do and file for divorce..unless you want to live the rest of your married life like this.

 

You cannot force her to change..you can only change the way you react to her, and that may or may not get her to change the way she deals with you. Period.

[M30USA]

This woman will not change. Borderline women (and men) do not change. Why? Because, in order to change, they have to admit that they have a problem. This is pysch 101. She clearly is not doing that. Therefore there is no hope of change. Don't assume there ever will be. If by some miracle she gets changed by a blinding light in the sky like Paul on road to Damascus, then reconsider at that point. Until then, adios. Your marriage is currently a tyranny, not a mutual partnership. Additionally, there is clear lack of respect for you on her part since she blames you for everything. You are her human scapegoat who she throws her demons onto.

[MyEvilTwin]

I like your idea of moving out in one day's time while she is at work. If you do it any other way, not only are you going to end up with a lot of missing and broken possessions, but the drama she will create will be huge, and bad enough the police will probably be involved.

So you are worried that she might commit suicide if you do that? I had an exbf commit suicide. I was very sad for nearly a year. Let me tell you that nobody is responsible for keeping a person alive but themself. Is she responsible for keeping you alive everyday of the year? No. Neither are you responsible for keeping her alive. Frankly, if she chooses to kill herself, today, tomorrow, or ten years from now, it is her decision alone. The only thing we can do is call the authorities should someone threaten immediate danger to themselves or others, unless you have the evidence, and crimes, to force and have her committed to a mental institution.

It's sad she has so much baggage from life. I bet she is very miserable with herself. But it is just that--miserable with herself. She needs to be alone to take a good look at who she is by herself, with nobody else around to blame. She is going to have the uphill battle from hell. But enabling her to abuse you--and yes--she abuses you--is not going to make her better either, but only prolong her madness. Don't take the blame. You can't save her, so save yourself.