What do you make of this email contact?

[MsOptimist]

I'm not sure what to make the unexpected email that I received from my husband today, and I'd like your thoughts. I'm still not sure how or if I should respond.

 

Short version of my story - married 9 years, together about 13. About 4 months ago he blindsided me that he was unhappy and was done with the marriage. Did not want to work on it, he was emotionally checked out and shut down, and also blamed me for everything. No solid evidence of cheating, but evidence that he was at least online looking for dates and casual sex right after dropping this on me. I moved out (voluntarily) and have been moved out for a little over 2 months. No kids but we split up animals. Contact has been very minimal in recent weeks, almost no contact in the past 3 weeks or so.

 

So here is most of the email that I received today:

 

"At some point when it works for you I would like to get together with you and talk.

 

I really hope you are doing ok. [A couple of friends of ours] said you are doing well, and I saw you are kicking ass at running.

 

I have to have surgery in Jan. I know you don't really care, and that I have done everything possible to ruin any relationship we had... But I still wanted you to know what is going on.

 

Many of my actions were in response to stress and I did not handle it well. Stress from my [medical issue which is requiring surgery], work, and my inability to communicate well and my total lack of ability to share my emotions with people. For that I am truly sorry.

 

You did everything that was asked of you and more, and I recognize how selfish I really am.

 

I am sure it is difficult for you to believe based on my words and actions, but I still care about you and love you. I want to see that you are ok, and talk about things. I don't expect you to receive my words very well, and I certainly don't expect you to be ok with me or anything I have said or done. I just want you to know that I have a much different and better perspective on things based on the last few months. I know life has not been fair to you, and that in the last few months a lot has happened that was beyond your control, and I can't imagine how horrible that has been.

 

I am starting to understand myself and my actions much better over the last few months.

 

I just wanted to say those things to you, and more, and I want to make sure you are doing ok."

[MsOptimist]

My thoughts on the email:

 

I guess I'm at least glad to get some sort of apology for the way he acted - I don't think he could have handled it much worse than he did. I felt like he left myself and his mom to clean up his giant mess and shook me to my core in the process.

 

I'm not approaching this as an attempt to reconcile - I'm not even sure I read that in his words. I read that he's sorry for the way he acted during all of this, but I'm not sure if he's saying that he sees our marriage and our issues differently now vs. then.

 

I found out about his surgery last week - it's a major surgery and one that I have always been worried about whenever that day might come. And now it's here and he's alone. I almost felt bad for him when I found out, knowing that he's in pain and alone and scared, and that I would have been there in every way to help him through this if we were together.

 

I'm also not naive to the fact that there may have been someone else, or at least someone he was interested in, and it didn't go as planned. And I'm not about to be the backup last resort.

 

His birthday is also next week and I've been planning to not contact him at all. I'm wondering if that, and the surgery, etc. is weighing on him and he's just lonely.

 

Anyways, I don't plan to agree to meet with him until I talk to my therapist, which isn't until next week. I'm not even sure how or if I should respond to this email. I went for a run and tossed it around in my head and am not responding today.

 

Any thoughts?

[MsOptimist]

He wants to establish a superficially friendly relationship with you so he can tell himself what he did was "all for the best" and that you really weren't hurt all that badly by it.

 

Thanks, I have thought about it from that angle as well.

 

I think I am doing pretty well, and will be better off without him, even though I never wanted this in a million years.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think you have the right mindset. Maybe ask him for clarification on what he wants to talk about, if it's all the stuff he already said, there's probably not much point.

[Tainted love]

Maybe I'm just cynical but telling you about the major surgery sounds somewhat manipulative. Either that, or he's scared and wants your support.

 

As I say, I could jut be cynical...

[smokey bear]

Take yourself and him out the equation, swap them for 2 of your friends and look at the email from an outsiders point of view..

 

I would stay clear of him just now, it sounds like he's having a pity party for himself and your the next on the guest list.

 

If and when he writes an email thats all about you and your best interests, think about replying then.

 

He is sorry for what he did, that much is easy to read but try not to get sucked back in until he's more clear

[MsOptimist]

Thank you for the responses. I, too, senses some manipulation with bringing up the surgery first thing.

 

There have been 2 more emails since this one, and I still have not responded to anything. The first email was very short and asked if there was any chance that I'm willing to try to save the relationship.

 

The 3rd email is very, very long and explains in much more detail the realizations that he has been processing since I've moved out - that he took out all of his frustrations on me and that the majority of his frustrations were not actually because of me. He said that I am a better person than he is, and he realizes how strong I am, and he realizes that I tried very hard to make it work and he did not try. He sees that I brought more to the table and to the "team" of the marriage and he didn't fully bring himself.

 

He says he expects me to say this is all too little to late and that I can never forgive him for what he's said and done, but if I'm willing he would like to try to start over and build a relationship and if that leads to reconciliation, that that is a good thing. He said he loves me, always has, and sees me as a woman that he wants to be with.

 

I really was not expecting this. Even if he was feeling regrets I assumed his ego would be too large to actually come back with these words. I'm honestly not sure that I want to try to work this out anymore though - as ironic as it is that initially all I wanted him to do was try. But things have gotten so far out of hand that I feel it is beyond repair. I've moved out, I've spent the past 4 months trying to detach and get over him, and I think I'm doing pretty well.

 

I can't set myself up for this to happen again, it was too horrific. Although I suppose that's a risk with any future relationship. I just don't know if it's worth it any longer to work through is very deep issues. I could find someone else who appreciates me fully - I don't feel like he ever really has. And I don't want to sound full of myself, but I think I'm pretty great - I'm educated, funny, attractive, active, pretty dorky at times, but I know I'm good person and I am extremely loyal to my friends and family. Since I've moved out I'm starting to see that I can probably do better than my husband. And maybe I should.

[worldgonewrong]

MsOptimist: here's why I balk at your husband's email -

he shuts you out of his life, no communication, wipes his hands clean.

And then he says he wants to talk.

Um...NO.

That signifies that he thinks he still has some level of 'control'.

Like, when he says he's ready, then you must be too?

He shut down, and he narcissistic-ly thinks you're supposed to wait around for when he's ready to talk? The height of arrogance.

But I think you get this anyway.

[worldgonewrong]

I would either (a) not respond or (b) tell him that anything he has to say can be put in an email. You need not put yourself through the ringer by enduring face-to-face BS with this guy. He knows he has some sort of 'advantage' if he can get you seated across a table from him.

[MsOptimist]

MsOptimist: here's why I balk at your husband's email -

he shuts you out of his life, no communication, wipes his hands clean.

And then he says he wants to talk.

Um...NO.

That signifies that he thinks he still has some level of 'control'.

Like, when he says he's ready, then you must be too?

He shut down, and he narcissistic-ly thinks you're supposed to wait around for when he's ready to talk? The height of arrogance.

But I think you get this anyway.

 

I agree, and that's part of what has made me angry at getting these emails. I have literally had my life turned upside down on me in the blink of an eye, and things have drastically changed since I moved out - and NOW he wants to say he's ready to talk and work through things? There used to be a time when I would drop everything and run to him - but I've grown up a lot since those days, and I don't think I can do that after what he's done to me, and the way he's treated me.

 

I have been reading a couple books on narcissism lately and he seems like a narcissist to a pretty severe degree. So him trying to re-establish control in this manner seems to fit with that mentality.

[Yasuandio]

I'm going to agree with WGW. I think I remember your early threads that related how painful this event was to you at the start. And, naturally, it was devistating to have to leave your home - I believe he even had "tude" back then when you made a final plea. If this remembrance is correct, and even if I'm mistaken, I would advise you to re-read how this separation came about, and how you were affected.

 

Yeah -- he thinks he's gonna snap his fingers, make a few concessions, an ILU, and "sorry about that," girl -- it doesn't work that way.

 

If you did consider reconciling, it would again be painful, as you will have so much to "piece" back together. In fact, on the "Divorce Busters" forum, there is an entire section devoted to "Piecing." I urge you to take a look at the long posts in that section. It is a long, enduring process taht doesn't always work so smoothly (that is, getting back together once you've been trashed).

 

You have a lot to think about. And you are wise to not react and get all bubly per the letters of apology. So easy to say, and write his regret. And as WGW stated, getting you in front of him at the table - was his first instinct. Sharp obseration WGW! Good luck, keep us posted. Yas

[MsOptimist]

Good ideas, thanks Yas. Yes, you are correct that initially I was devastated to my very core. I was just thinking about that this morning - how I was literally on the floor sobbing the couple days after it happened and then finding out that he was looking everywhere for sex with strangers during that time. Tons of compassion right there. He never showed any emotion, could not even hug me when I'd be crying my eyes out - he could easily turn and walk out the door. Stone cold reactions from him during the initial phase and until I moved.

 

He said he doesn't expect me to make a decision or a commitment, but that if I'm willing to try to rebuild, and if it leads to a reconciliation, then that's what he wants.

 

When I moved out we said a brief goodbye - well, I was sobbing, he lightly cried and said nothing. I told him that I was now gone for good, that I deserved better, that this was not my loss, and that he would have a hard time finding someone as loyal as I was to the relationship. I was surprised that he heard those words clearly. He said that hit him very hard and that he think I am gone forever but he hopes that is not the case.

 

I'm thinking of responding via email simply saying that I need time to process his words. I haven't decided - consulting a lot of my friends at the moment.

[lovely81]

Stay away. Have been following your thread, and I actually thought it was mistake to have him pay for the therapy (if I'm remembering correctly). I think he kind of loves the idea of being guilty. Makes him the center of attention. I don't think the cord was ever truly cut here and that he probably was rejected by some females and so is popping back in.

 

Maybe I'm cynical too...(yes).

[worldgonewrong]

I'm thinking of responding via email simply saying that I need time to process his words.

 

Don't write that to him.

It sends the message: I am focusing on your words; I am devoting MY precious time to YOUR words.

Just don't do that.

 

I would write back, something along the lines of:

"I am currently fine. Thank you for your query."

 

Perfunctory. Does not give him ANYTHING in the way of sympathy/alleviation of guilty/etc. because he does NOT deserve it.

You treat him like a business contact at this point. He should have NO peep-holes into your life or well-being at all; he lost that privilege.

He also lost the privilege of you giving him any sympathy. Eff his surgery. Ask one of his bimbos to tend to him.

[MyEvilTwin]

4 months has taught him a few things. First, that he's not the hunka hunka love he thought he might become online. Why so many men are so entranced with the illusion of easy cheap sex is beyond me. I think he's simply one more that tried it-and struck out.

He has an upcoming surgery. He may be just a little concerned he might die on the operating table. He may not have a lot of people that will be there bedside for him after the surgery, or going in. Is he isolated? He may be trying to decide whether to change you as the beneficiary on the life insurance policy he has, what can be changed or not, since you are still his wife. These are thoughts that may be going through his head, although they may not be the most important ones.

He has found out that he is human afterall. Not a demi-god like he was hoping. He has found out what lonliness is. He has realized that since he is human, his human wife isn't so bad afterall, and is probably the best he can do. Hey, he had to test the waters to find out, right?

It's all pathetic, yes, and probably true.

Now that your husband has his feet back on the ground where they belong, the ball is entirely in your court. You have most of the power. The tide has turned for now. You survived the first horrible months of detachment. You're on the upswing.

You can take several months to decide whether you are interested in him ever again or not. There's no emergency here. He won't give up right away, although he will give up with long term frustration and then the tide will turn again. It all depends on how you play it.

You can see him and not make any decision. You can keep your power for now, even after lunch with him, or whatever. You can remain indecisive. This is what I see often with women--they don't realize that they don't have to be decisive and have an answer for a man right now. It can wait until you are sure.

It's just lunch. If you are sure it's too much water under the bridge, then don't bother with lunch, it will be a waste of time for both of you. If you are unsure about letting him go, then you do need to acknowledge how he has humbled himself to you.

And that's where you have a decision to make. What your heart wants. You would have a better husband; he has obviously learned some humility. But he's put you precariously on the cliff edge...it's up to you which side you choose.

So, how about some time to figure out just what kind of new husband he would be? Lunch wouldn't be bad. You could start to get an idea of how you could negotiate some things you have always wanted but didn't get in the past. The thing here is that there is no urgency. You have the right to take months to make a decision here, and should, to protect yourself! During that time you can see him now and then to come to a conclusion as to what you want. If you refuse to see him, that's fine, as long as you are sure and you won't regret refusing his request later on.

 

Lastly, if you see him and it makes you sick to your stomach, then you will know it is either fully over, or that you will need more time apart before even considering any future with him.

Just do what is in your best self-interests.

 

One more thought. He wants you back RIGHT NOW. It sounds like you are mature enough that you aren't going to fall for the let's make up immediately like teenagers thing, cry and kiss over lunch, and immediately go have sex. Don't let his insecurity make his lack of planning in life your emergency.

Edited December 13, 2012 by MyEvilTwin

[MsOptimist]

Evil Twin - thanks for your thoughts, they make a lot of sense to me. I am seeing that I don't have to come to a decision right now - after all, I'm only 2+ months into a 1 year lease and I can't afford to break the lease.

 

He is isolated right now - his parents don't live in town anymore, one of his best friends moved out of state earlier this year, and his current close friend (who is also supportive to me), travels a lot for business. He hasn't opened up to many people so I can imagine he's feeling lonely, especially if he's been rejected by any women.

 

I do plan on contacting him somehow eventually - probably via email at first. I don't think I will lay out all of my thoughts via email though. There are several things that I'd like to say to him, and haven't wanted to initiate contact to say them. Now that he's opened communication, I will at least get to say them. I feel like he's used email as the cop-out way of communicating lately and I don't think I want to keep doing that. I want to see his reactions to what I have to say - especially when I bring up things that he won't be expecting. If he shuts down that will tell me a lot.

 

And no, I'm not even thinking about kissing and making up and jumping in bed with him!!

 

At the moment I'm keeping a piece of paper handy and writing down some thoughts as they come to me.

 

Thanks for all of the thoughts and advice from everyone so far - I wasn't expecting this even though many people said to expect it someday.