Wife left me, now wants to come back, but found out some not so good stuff. HELP!

[bravo3]

Ok, so on Aug 9th my wife left me. I'm 26 she is 25, we were married for 2 years before she left, we have no kids or anything. She had been waitressing tables since January at a new job, and in June she started bartending at the same place. I thought everything was perfectly fine and she woke me up in the middle of the night and said she wanted a divorce. Of course I was shocked but I had no idea what to do. Long story short, she leaves, signs herself off the apartment lease, was very cold to me while she was gone.. Anyways, around the middle of October we started kind of hanging out again and starting hanging out a pretty good bit around November the 7th. Things are great, we were working on stuff and talking about the problems that had arose that made her leave etc etc. So like I said things are great, and around November the 25th we went to dinner and ended up having kind of a heart to heart at the restaurant to where she went on to tell me that when she left she had no intentions of ever wanting to be with me again. Just wanted a fresh start and really had zero interest in working on anything. Also, she went on to say that she really started developing feelings for me around Halloween and realized that she would rather work on this with me then try to start anything new because she knows how much I love her and she loves me. Wonderful!

 

After doing some investigating I learned that she was seeing a married but separated guy who is 31 with 2 children and a wife of 7 years. As it turns out he is a Sheriff that does security at the bar. Well through my snooping I found out that she was staying at his place about 4 nights a week, and they were having little rendezvous around town. Anyway I got drunk a few nights ago and spilled the beans on everything I knew and she swore he was just a friend, she stayed there cause his house was close to her work when she got off at 3 am and was a lot easier. Said she slept on his couch, never his bed, and never did anything. Well, the other night I went through her phone and saw texts from around Oct 1st that was proof they had slept together. Not much, maybe 3 times but they definitely did. I messed around a little after she left me but I did not sleep with anyone. Other than this stuff, we have never had any type of infidelity in our relationship. I want her back badly guys, I just don't know how to deal with her sleeping with the guy. She has no idea that I know about the sleeping together part. Also, she hasn't confessed.

 

Please help me out and give me some advice!

[Droplet]

I think, but I might be wrong, that if you want her back :

 

1) You will need to eventually forgive her ( not forget, but make a conscious decision of forgiving her : yes, it's the sad truth of what happened, you cannot change it, but you can choose to accept it for this second chance to work )

 

2) You need to comfront her about her lying, in a very calm and detached, but firm manner. Do not yell, do not try to get anything from her ( do not make her beg, do not ask for an apology ) other than the truth. You need to make her understand that you love and care for her but that you will not tolerate her lies because if you don't she will disrespect you again, unconsciously, but she will, because she lied once and got away with it.

Just tell her that you know, that you are not judging her, that you understand, but that lying is not something you can tolerate within your relationship. She will probably start crying, but eventually, she will respect you for doing that.

[coltsfan1]

Do not take her back till she freely admits to you the WHOLE TRUTH!!!! If you have to force it out of her she 1 doesn't plan on telling you for whatever reason (this is not your problem) 2 she also doesn't respect you enough to come clean and allow you to make a decision on the situation.

 

My feelings are she left you for him, it was either a fling or she realized it wouldn't work and now she is at your doorstep. You need to truly think this through, cause if she doesn't tell you the truth of her own free will what happens if she does the same thing only you don't find out. Then she is out treating some other mans dack like a microphone. If I was you I would date her for a few more months then if she doesn't tell you the truth file for divorce, & that is when you finally tell her you know what she has done. Then you finish that conversation with if she had been honest you might have been willing to try and work it out but she wasn't and now YOU are ready to move on and try to meet an honest woman to build a life with.

 

THE END

[CptSaveAho]

She's not DONE... this is only the beginning... kick her ass back to the curb... stop talking to her etc

 

Doing otherwise would only hurt yourself... you have nothing invested in her but time.... no kids, no house etc...

 

Your relationship with her will NEVER be the same

Edited December 14, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[Caryopteris]

I know this is hard to hear, but I think you would be better off without her. She seems unstable. Working where she does, she is going to have constant attention from men, and she sounds like she will be vulnerable to the attention. The other guy got tired of her, maybe, or she got tired of him, and she just wants a support system back. Guys tend to prefer the familiar rather than letting go and letting something new come along, but you would be better off without this one in my opinion.

 

Ok, so on Aug 9th my wife left me. I'm 26 she is 25, we were married for 2 years before she left, we have no kids or anything. She had been waitressing tables since January at a new job, and in June she started bartending at the same place. I thought everything was perfectly fine and she woke me up in the middle of the night and said she wanted a divorce. Of course I was shocked but I had no idea what to do. Long story short, she leaves, signs herself off the apartment lease, was very cold to me while she was gone.. Anyways, around the middle of October we started kind of hanging out again and starting hanging out a pretty good bit around November the 7th. Things are great, we were working on stuff and talking about the problems that had arose that made her leave etc etc. So like I said things are great, and around November the 25th we went to dinner and ended up having kind of a heart to heart at the restaurant to where she went on to tell me that when she left she had no intentions of ever wanting to be with me again. Just wanted a fresh start and really had zero interest in working on anything. Also, she went on to say that she really started developing feelings for me around Halloween and realized that she would rather work on this with me then try to start anything new because she knows how much I love her and she loves me. Wonderful!

 

After doing some investigating I learned that she was seeing a married but separated guy who is 31 with 2 children and a wife of 7 years. As it turns out he is a Sheriff that does security at the bar. Well through my snooping I found out that she was staying at his place about 4 nights a week, and they were having little rendezvous around town. Anyway I got drunk a few nights ago and spilled the beans on everything I knew and she swore he was just a friend, she stayed there cause his house was close to her work when she got off at 3 am and was a lot easier. Said she slept on his couch, never his bed, and never did anything. Well, the other night I went through her phone and saw texts from around Oct 1st that was proof they had slept together. Not much, maybe 3 times but they definitely did. I messed around a little after she left me but I did not sleep with anyone. Other than this stuff, we have never had any type of infidelity in our relationship. I want her back badly guys, I just don't know how to deal with her sleeping with the guy. She has no idea that I know about the sleeping together part. Also, she hasn't confessed.

 

Please help me out and give me some advice!

[GLDheart]

Coltsfan1 and CptSaveaho gave you your two options. It's one way or the other.

[StateGuy]

Okay, I can relate in a few ways but first a few things. One, where was she living after she moved out? You said she was staying at this guy's place four nights a week...something does not add up. Second, I agree with other opinions that there was something going on with her and possibly that guy before she asked for a divorce and moved out...Third, you talk about only a a bit of infidelity? There is no infidelity once you are separated and living under different roofs....