Pete33 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 My wife has a problem with threatening divorce any time we have a significant fight. I *never* do this. She would do the same when we were dating. I've told her how cruel that is, how when you're in a fight and do that it's like emotional terrorism, it changes the whole conversation. She did it last night, and she like not only threaten divorce but starts to want to have a conversation on how it would play out, would I try to take our son, that I should leave, etc. I typically don't entertain this, because for me divorce isn't an option, I'm not going to have a conversation about divorce. the only thing I do say, is, if you don't want to be in this marriage in the family, then there's no chain on the door, and your mom isn't far away you go stay with her, but this is my home, this is where the family is, if you don't want to be a part of that and need some space, then go get your space and figure things out. My question is, though she's done this before, I don't want to be foolish enough to not prepare in case one day the other shoe drops. Can anyone advise me how to handle this? I won't leave if it really comes down to it, and I won't let her take our son out of the house. She's has some bi-polar tendencies, for weeks she's in love with me and I'm everything to her, and then we have an arguement and suddenly I'm a mistake and she's always felt that way heart, and I don't know if you the one, yada yada
TaraMaiden Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Is she on medication? Really, this is emotional blackmail, and she's daring you to react, and getting away with it, because you let her. The more you step back from her approach, the more she will use it. I say call her bluff and get papers prepared. TBH, it may not be a bad idea. She sounds as if she's been a dysfunctional wreck for a long time. Are you happy to let your child grow up in this environment? You're basically teaching him that dad's a push-over, and stroppy women have to be appeased, by complying with their unreasonable demands. Personally, I'd advise you to grow a pair, and get out of this relationship. She's a mess. You can't fix her, and your son is being affected by the drama. Oh yes, trust me - he is. 1
standtall Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 Ignore it or call her out on it sarcastically. She is using one of the oldest 3rd grade techniques in the world...say something hurtful to get a reaction out of them..... Stop reacting and she will stop doing it. But, I am with Tara ...there are some major issues here and you need to grow a pair.
seibert253 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 Your W needs therapy, medication, or both.
Radu Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 TM is right. Literally every option besides actually starting divorce will end up with you in a bad situation and your son is seriously affected by it.
pinkie Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Call her bluff and tell her to sign on the dotted line... Don't let the door hit her where the good lord split her.. U and your child deserve better! 1
Nyla Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 I have this problem too. Therapist says it is because of with my intimacy and abandonment issues. I find that actually stating my fears in emotional moments works much better than getting angry and saying cruel things. I need to learn to allow myself to be vulnerable. When I talk about divorce, my husband just calmly responds with "So you're going to throw away six years of love over an argument? Sorry, marriage doesn't work that way. Grow up. NOW. " Being put in my place and having my husband call me out works wonders. We usually have amazing sex right after he puts his foot down. My husband is aware of my issues and he is very patient with them, while not indulging my BS. I admire this ability in him because I can be a bratty piece of work.
Author Pete33 Posted December 17, 2012 Author Posted December 17, 2012 Ok, I'm not going to just ditch my wife because of this, and it's certainly not about me not having a pair, because if you knew us, you'd know how silly that is. Not even entertaining has been working, because if I do, thats what she's looking for, she does it because she wants to hurt me as much as she feels hurt (by whatever it is I'm saying at the time.) We talked and she said she wants to go to therapy, to sort through the issues that motivate her towards going for the jugular in an argument.
KathyM Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Marital therapy is the answer. The therapist hopefully will let both of you know how to resolve conflicts without resorting to extreme threats. Don't you engage in these threats. Don't call her bluff. That will only make it worse, and could cause an impasse where you do end up separated and divorced. Work this out with a marriage counselor who can teach you both how to resolve conflict in a healthy way without resorting to threats.
Clockwork Posted December 17, 2012 Posted December 17, 2012 Every couple argues. But it is how you are arguing that matters. If you resort to name calling, threats, regrets about getting married, etc. then there is a problem with at least one of you. It has to be addressed. A normal healthy couple does not even think about the possibility of divorce even in a heated argument. If you do, well, let's just say having a heated argument is like being shot with truth serum. If you say it, somewhere deep down you mean it
Radu Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 Ok, I'm not going to just ditch my wife because of this, and it's certainly not about me not having a pair, because if you knew us, you'd know how silly that is. Not even entertaining has been working, because if I do, thats what she's looking for, she does it because she wants to hurt me as much as she feels hurt (by whatever it is I'm saying at the time.) We talked and she said she wants to go to therapy, to sort through the issues that motivate her towards going for the jugular in an argument. I hope it works, i hope she takes therapy seriously. But if it doesn't, you will have to make a decision, and sticking with this woman will seriously mess up your son. Maybe you will learn to live with it, but what about him ?
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