Boyfriend Resents me Over Money

[flask]

Genders reversed he would've been dumped ages ago.

 

Good luck knitting your high earning girlfriend an iPad cover for Christmas.

 

See how long the relationship lasts.

 

You are obviously very bitter and as such your advise is poop. Please stop cluttering the thread when other people are giving very thoughtful, dynamic advice.

[flask]

 

My stance on this kind of stuff, whether it be plane tickets, groceries, bills, rent payments, is that the split should be equitable, but not necessarily equal.

 

Generally I agree with this and the other posters who have responded similarly. I think paying a proportional chunk of your income for together-activities like plane fare and dates is fair. However, just numerically speaking this doesn't work that well in our situation. He makes roughly 100K after taxes and has no rent, food, phone, or car expenses/payments, so about $8,000 a month. I make about $500 a month after taxes, and once I pay rent that's $150, $100 of which I spend on food (beans and rice!). That leaves me $50, which is 0.625% of his income. Tickets are usually $300, so my contribution would be...a whopping $2. Which I would be happy to pay! But I don't think it would help his resentment much.

 

This is my viewpoint, so likely biased, but I do try to contribute as much as I can in other ways. I clean his apartment from top to bottom every time I visit, and I always make sure to work time into my day to talk to him when we're apart. I never suggest going out, and when he does I usually order the cheapest thing on the menu and we get separate bills. When I have extra cash I like to treat him, because I feel like it's nice and I like being nice to my boyfriend. I also like to cook him dinner when I have enough money, because I like cooking and I like him and they just go well together. When he wants to go somewhere expensive he treats me, because he knows all I'd be able to pay for is a soda and he likes going to fancy places with me sometimes.

 

So, I don't think he resents me for being selfish or spending all my money on frivolous things instead of helping to pay for tickets, because I'm not and I don't.

 

And also to the person who bitched about knitted ipad cases, I would love it if he made me a homemade gift, so that's stupid.

[soccerrprp]

OP, i'm dating a woman that makes at least 2x more than I do. She had been taken advantage of financially in the past by exes and it was a point of some consternation on her part early on our relationship. I make pretty good money and not wanting of anything, but I do my part in the relationship. I offer to pay for the dates, we split costs for larger outtings with our kids, etc. but I do my part. Are you able to pay for meals, smaller things when you are together? Perhaps this will help him see that you are not free-loading (though it doesn't sound like you are). What can you offer financially, however small?

 

Look, it's normally a bad sign when finances have come into play. Many divorces are a result of couples who have differing philosophies on finances. So, you should really find out what his view on these matters are because they will not go away even after you're married (if that happens).

 

I think he is being selfish and showing you a little bit more of his true colors.

 

Good luck.

[TheFinalWord]

This is my viewpoint, so likely biased, but I do try to contribute as much as I can in other ways. I clean his apartment from top to bottom every time I visit, and I always make sure to work time into my day to talk to him when we're apart. I never suggest going out, and when he does I usually order the cheapest thing on the menu and we get separate bills. When I have extra cash I like to treat him, because I feel like it's nice and I like being nice to my boyfriend. I also like to cook him dinner when I have enough money, because I like cooking and I like him and they just go well together. When he wants to go somewhere expensive he treats me, because he knows all I'd be able to pay for is a soda and he likes going to fancy places with me sometimes.

 

So, I don't think he resents me for being selfish or spending all my money on frivolous things instead of helping to pay for tickets, because I'm not and I don't.

 

Yeah, you seem like a good girlfriend!

 

My guess he's either spoiled, there is something deeper going on, or he's fishing for excuses and there is someone else.

[tman666]

For the record, I never said that it's right or smart to take every little expense and apply your agreed upon "equitable percentage". That'd be so far beyond the scope of normal, healthy interaction between two people that obviously it would lead to destruction of the relationship. Think of it as more of a running average.

 

The point I was trying to get across is that given the large difference between your financial positions, it seems to me that if he were being reasonable that he wouldn't get his panties in a twist about paying for the plane tickets given the fact that you go to considerable effort to pull your weight in the ways you can.

[rocketman122]

some dumb replies here. break up is always the puessy way out. no wonder many of you are single here.

 

I think the issue here is that he feels unappreciated and its not about the money. you dont appreciate that he pays all the time and you may be taking it for granted. you may think you do show him that you appreciate it, but for him, its not enough. when I take her on my motorcycle she says I drive too fast for her. even though for me its a bit slow, I have to realize it doesnt matter how slow it may seem, for her its too fast. see what im saying?

 

dont listen to the shmucks with the "break up" comments. talk it out and ask him why he brought it up now.

 

I had anger building up a few times with my GF because when we go to trips and dinners/movies I pay majority, even though she makes MUCH more than me. she doesnt realize how it stresses my pocket and doesnt seem to appreciate me or me treating her. this anger builds up and then I blow up at her.

[todreaminblue]

I could use some advice here, as this is my first relationship and I'm not really sure whether it's fixable and what to do if it is.

 

Recently my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument about finances. To give the situation, we've been dating for three years and we've been long distance for the past two. I love him intensely and consider him to be a potential marriage candidate once I get out of school. I'm 20, in my second year of college and am relatively poor. I've been denied financial aid both years because my parents are middle class, so I pay for school with loans and work two part-time jobs to pay rent and buy groceries. My boyfriend is five years older than me, graduated debt-free from a private school because his mother paid all his expenses, and now has a job that only requires 40 hours a week and pays $150,000 a year.

 

We usually see each other every two or so months, and he always pays for the plane fare. I've never thought this was an issue, as he's always offered and I'm usually scrambling each month to make rent, so if I were to pay half we would probably end up seeing each other once a year. But recently we were having a minor argument over something stupid, and he randomly exploded about how I never buy plane tickets and actually called me a freeloader. I've NEVER heard him complain about that before, and it completely threw me off. We had a really big fight about it, he eventually hung up on me, and whenever I've tried to bring it up since he's said that he doesn't want to talk about it and if I want him to stop being angry I can pay him back when I graduate and get a job.

 

I'm really hurt, and nervous about our upcoming visit. He usually wants to go out/do things downtown/etc. I treat him when I can, but I really do not have the money right now. I also feel nervous about Christmas gifts. I usually give him something homemade like cookies or a knitted laptop case - once I put all the love poems I'd ever written about him in a binder and gave him that. Now the thought of gifts makes me feel sick and anxious. He bought me a kindle last year. Does he resent it every time he spends money on me? I feel like this shouldn't be an issue, but when I told one of our mutual friends about it he took my boyfriend's side and said I wasn't entitled to his money. On the other hand, it's not like I nag him to buy me jewelry, I just want to see my boyfriend. Other people's input would be appreciated.

 

 

in my opinion its noto about the money....its more about his attitude towards you.....pretty cold and obviously doesnt realize you struggle so does he know you at all?????.....doesnt sound like he appreciates you....not very caring...as i said its not about the money....he is pretty mean spirited......you deserve better you sound loving with a little bit of space in your wallet...not fair.....best of luck...hugs....deb

 

 

ps if he doesnt recognise what it takes for you to do what you do in regards to gifts...he doesn tdeserve you.....i appreciate you writing what you make by the way if the cad wont tell you i will...you made me smile....

[rocketman122]

in my opinion its noto about the money....its more about his attitude towards you.....pretty cold and obviously doesnt realize you struggle so does he know you at all?????.....doesnt sound like he appreciates you....not very caring...as i said its not about the money....he is pretty mean spirited......you deserve better you sound loving with a little bit of space in your wallet...not fair.....best of luck...hugs....deb

 

 

ps if he doesnt recognise what it takes for you to do what you do in regards to gifts...he doesn tdeserve you.....i appreciate you writing what you make by the way if the cad wont tell you i will...you made me smile....

 

 

no its exactly the other way around. he goes to her, he pays all the time. so why is he not appreciating her? youre right because she took the time to bake cookies compared to him spending hundreds to come see her. makes sense. youre right.

[flask]

For the record, I never said that it's right or smart to take every little expense and apply your agreed upon "equitable percentage". That'd be so far beyond the scope of normal, healthy interaction between two people that obviously it would lead to destruction of the relationship. Think of it as more of a running average.

 

The point I was trying to get across is that given the large difference between your financial positions, it seems to me that if he were being reasonable that he wouldn't get his panties in a twist about paying for the plane tickets given the fact that you go to considerable effort to pull your weight in the ways you can.

 

Oh, I know, and I feel like your viewpoint is actually the most balanced and reasonable that anyone's offered. I was just using that as an example because a couple of people have brought up the proportions thing and you suggested it most succinctly.

[musemaj11]

Genders reversed he would've been dumped ages ago.

 

Good luck knitting your high earning girlfriend an iPad cover for Christmas.

 

See how long the relationship lasts.

Yeah, LOL.

 

Unless the woman is incredibly undesirable, no woman making $150,000 would even take a glance at a 20 year old guy making hardly any money.

 

The judgment people are passing on the guy is sickening. Its as if just because he is making a lot of money, he is somehow obliged to share a chunk of it with his poor girlfriend or anyone for that matter.

 

Its funny how the pattern is that we get to see men coming here starting threads complaining about sex while on the other hand we see women coming here starting threads complaining about money.

Edited December 13, 2012 by musemaj11