Boyfriend Resents me Over Money

[flask]

I could use some advice here, as this is my first relationship and I'm not really sure whether it's fixable and what to do if it is.

 

Recently my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument about finances. To give the situation, we've been dating for three years and we've been long distance for the past two. I love him intensely and consider him to be a potential marriage candidate once I get out of school. I'm 20, in my second year of college and am relatively poor. I've been denied financial aid both years because my parents are middle class, so I pay for school with loans and work two part-time jobs to pay rent and buy groceries. My boyfriend is five years older than me, graduated debt-free from a private school because his mother paid all his expenses, and now has a job that only requires 40 hours a week and pays $150,000 a year.

 

We usually see each other every two or so months, and he always pays for the plane fare. I've never thought this was an issue, as he's always offered and I'm usually scrambling each month to make rent, so if I were to pay half we would probably end up seeing each other once a year. But recently we were having a minor argument over something stupid, and he randomly exploded about how I never buy plane tickets and actually called me a freeloader. I've NEVER heard him complain about that before, and it completely threw me off. We had a really big fight about it, he eventually hung up on me, and whenever I've tried to bring it up since he's said that he doesn't want to talk about it and if I want him to stop being angry I can pay him back when I graduate and get a job.

 

I'm really hurt, and nervous about our upcoming visit. He usually wants to go out/do things downtown/etc. I treat him when I can, but I really do not have the money right now. I also feel nervous about Christmas gifts. I usually give him something homemade like cookies or a knitted laptop case - once I put all the love poems I'd ever written about him in a binder and gave him that. Now the thought of gifts makes me feel sick and anxious. He bought me a kindle last year. Does he resent it every time he spends money on me? I feel like this shouldn't be an issue, but when I told one of our mutual friends about it he took my boyfriend's side and said I wasn't entitled to his money. On the other hand, it's not like I nag him to buy me jewelry, I just want to see my boyfriend. Other people's input would be appreciated.

[Balzac]

It's difficult to judge that income level absent his local cost of living. NYC, San Francisco for example. Does he own a vehicle?

 

If he's down on the cost of traveling, it's over in my book.

[Pyro]

I could use some advice here, as this is my first relationship and I'm not really sure whether it's fixable and what to do if it is.

 

Recently my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument about finances. To give the situation, we've been dating for three years and we've been long distance for the past two. I love him intensely and consider him to be a potential marriage candidate once I get out of school. I'm 20, in my second year of college and am relatively poor. I've been denied financial aid both years because my parents are middle class, so I pay for school with loans and work two part-time jobs to pay rent and buy groceries. My boyfriend is five years older than me, graduated debt-free from a private school because his mother paid all his expenses, and now has a job that only requires 40 hours a week and pays $150,000 a year.

 

We usually see each other every two or so months, and he always pays for the plane fare. I've never thought this was an issue, as he's always offered and I'm usually scrambling each month to make rent, so if I were to pay half we would probably end up seeing each other once a year. But recently we were having a minor argument over something stupid, and he randomly exploded about how I never buy plane tickets and actually called me a freeloader. I've NEVER heard him complain about that before, and it completely threw me off. We had a really big fight about it, he eventually hung up on me, and whenever I've tried to bring it up since he's said that he doesn't want to talk about it and if I want him to stop being angry I can pay him back when I graduate and get a job.

 

I'm really hurt, and nervous about our upcoming visit. He usually wants to go out/do things downtown/etc. I treat him when I can, but I really do not have the money right now. I also feel nervous about Christmas gifts. I usually give him something homemade like cookies or a knitted laptop case - once I put all the love poems I'd ever written about him in a binder and gave him that. Now the thought of gifts makes me feel sick and anxious. He bought me a kindle last year. Does he resent it every time he spends money on me? I feel like this shouldn't be an issue, but when I told one of our mutual friends about it he took my boyfriend's side and said I wasn't entitled to his money. On the other hand, it's not like I nag him to buy me jewelry, I just want to see my boyfriend. Other people's input would be appreciated.

 

He needs to stop being flaky. He offers every time to pay the plane ticket but then calls you a free loader?

 

He may not want to talk about it but it is something that needs to be addressed if you two are to move forward.

 

Hard for him to relate to your situation being that he had everything paid for by his Mom.

[edgygirl]

How was your first talk about paying for the trips? Did he offer, or did you ask him to pay for it?

[flask]

To clarify, he lives in San Francisco, but his company pays for his apartment and offers two meals a day (he's a programmer -- kind of a Google-type workplace). So in short, he has plenty of disposable income. I'm just confused about rules, what's fair...etc. And I'm upset that he won't talk about it.

[DC4]

I don't think this is a good sign at all. I have been in your position with an ex before. If he resents the financial disparity I really think it'll only get worse. If he can't accept your situation, then his loss I guess.

 

You really should explain to him what you can afford and that's all you do. Period. He can accept doing things based on your situation, he can chip in more or he can leave. You can't go on like this! I had this exact conversation on Sunday.

 

A guy I am dating makes considerably more than me-like 3x more easily. He always wants to go to dinner and I always want to pay half because that's just what I do. Finally I had to level with him that I can't afford to do these dinners anymore and his answer was perfect "Listen, don't worry about it. If you can and you want to, you can treat. Otherwise assume I'll take care of it." Blew me away!

[Mycteria]

I would tell him that you love him but you think you two need to break up because you can't afford the plane tickets to see him and you don't want him to be angry about buying them. It's just a logistical issue. See what his response is. If he agrees, then he obviously doesn't really love you anyway.

[tman666]

The answers you'll get on here will vary pretty widely. Some will say that everything must be split 50/50, no matter what the circumstance.

 

Personally, I think he's being ridiculous. If he considers you two to have a realistic future together, to me it would be reasonable for him, in a position of relative financial wealth, to cover the more expensive things while being grateful that you make an effort to contribute where you can.

 

If he wasn't that serious about you, then I can see him saying "you know what, this is my money, why should I buy everything?" And truthfully, he has that right. But I think when you truly care about someone, empathy towards that person's situation is present.

 

My stance on this kind of stuff, whether it be plane tickets, groceries, bills, rent payments, is that the split should be equitable, but not necessarily equal. For example, I earn double what my fiancee makes. Seeing as I love her and care about her wellbeing and future, I have no problem paying the lions share of things. That said, she contributes a relatively equal share of her take-home pay for expenses. In this way, we are both contributing fairly equal percentages to the household/mutual expenses.

 

Now I know you guys aren't living together (yet), but his attitude towards things needs to probably change before you move in together.

[flask]

How was your first talk about paying for the trips? Did he offer, or did you ask him to pay for it?

 

Before I left for college and didn't have any expenses, we split the tickets. Once I moved out and couldn't afford them he just offered, and we (or at least, I ) have run off that assumption since.

[Pyro]

To clarify, he lives in San Francisco, but his company pays for his apartment and offers two meals a day (he's a programmer -- kind of a Google-type workplace). So in short, he has plenty of disposable income. I'm just confused about rules, what's fair...etc. And I'm upset that he won't talk about it.

 

He makes $150,000 a year with no rent to pay and no debt from College? Besides possibly making a car payment he has no debt whatsoever.

 

Talk to him and if he still bytches about expenses then you need to end it. You could at least offer to pay him back for half the ticket price once you graduate and have a decent job.

[Balzac]

Ok that answers his cost of living.

 

Who knows what his issue is but it sounds ominous. I think carry over college romance into LDR for multiple years is more than difficult.

 

Is it possible he sees you as never[long time] reaching his idea of sustainable income? Education debt, degree that makes a high salary unlikely?

[Sunfire73]

First I think he's being selfish, and this is because of how he was was brought up. You have different attitudes towards money, and if marriage is in the future for both of you, you need to see a counselor that will work with you to bring common decision that you'll both agree on. Because if not, then there will be more financial disagreements in the future.

[lino]

I can sympathize with both you and your boyfriend and I think you'd be better off breaking up.

 

Both would be better off being with someone local to them and with similar incomes.

[edgygirl]

See, the only place I think you made a mistake was to assume he'd have to pay from that day on. You guys should have talked about it in a clear way at that point.

 

I don't think he minds the "having to pay" per se, but he might be minding that you assume he'd pay. That can be annoying sometimes depending how you behave (not making assumptions here, as I don't know you). But I also get weary of people who expect things without even talking about it.

 

Could be because of the way his family brought him up, who knows, or freeloaders stories he knows about and is afraid he's being used or so.

 

Still it doesn't look that nice when a man who earns that and doesn't have to even pay rent is making an issue out of this. I certainly wouldn't like that.

 

My sister married a rich guy when she was 22 and broke. It was obvious he had to pay for everything as he lived a high lifestyle, I believe she told him she could join him in restaurants etc but wouldn't be able to pay BEFORE it happened. But in his case, he never ever complained about it at all. I appreciate that because I know that in my family it is not about the money, she would never be with him only to freeload, and he probably can sense that. It is probably all about perception.

 

Now if this guy is just a cheap jerk, then I don't think I would even want to keep seeing him. Try to find out what his reasons are. It's kind of absurd he won't agree to discuss it with you.

 

Before I left for college and didn't have any expenses, we split the tickets. Once I moved out and couldn't afford them he just offered, and we (or at least, I ) have run off that assumption since.

[FitChick]

If he is a logical, numbers kind of guy, ask him to help you create a spreadsheet showing your income and out go and how to budget for the plane tickets. Find out what percentage of your income one plane ticket is. While you appreciate his paying for your travel but since he isn't happy with doing that any more, you are perfectly happy with him doing the majority of travel. You will pay for however many trips per year that he thinks you can afford based on your spreadsheet.

 

Frankly, I think he is just tired of LDR.

[crude]

If the roles were reversed and you made $150,000 a year and were set and you had to pay for your boyfriend's plane tickets, people might say he wasn't good enough for you, you could do better. Why wouldn't that apply in this case, in a world of equality? You have 2 part time jobs and are going to school, so you're not a freeloader, but the two of you are simply ill matched. Like that song Honey And The Moon, it's the wrong time for the two of you.

[flask]

If the roles were reversed and you made $150,000 a year and were set and you had to pay for your boyfriend's plane tickets, people might say he wasn't good enough for you, you could do better. Why wouldn't that apply in this case, in a world of equality? You have 2 part time jobs and are going to school, so you're not a freeloader, but the two of you are simply ill matched. Like that song Honey And The Moon, it's the wrong time for the two of you.

 

I don't think that's quite accurate. If the roles were reversed and my boyfriend was working and going to school I can't see many of my friends or family looking down on him for not being able to afford a plane ticket. Heck I think my parents would like him better...they raised my brother and I to be independent and they've always sort of raised eyebrows at my boyfriend's mom helping him out so much (in all fairness though he worked damn hard in college. He got a 4.0 and deserves his job). And as it is, I'm working hard to support myself and get through school as a bio-chem major while maintaining grades good enough to get into Vet School. I don't think many people looking at our situation would say I'm "not good enough" for him either.

 

I do think you're right about us being a little mis-matched though. Sigh.

[Balzac]

Vet school - good for you, cut this guy off. It's too much mismatch in education/career trajectory.

[veggirl]

Sounds like your bf got a little big for his britches as they say. I'm sure he thinks he is the s.hit with his job and whatnot. What does he spend his money on? Just tell him that you are not going to visit over Christmas because you can not afford to pay for half.

 

Realistically, I assume this is your first relationship since its been 3 yrs and you are only 20........you may want to cut your losses, most people don't end up with their bf from when they are 20 anyway.

[crude]

Here's that song I mentioned. You're not a freeloader, he's not cheap, it's just bad timing. Right now there's a mismatch.

 

 

Don't know why I'm still afraid

If you weren't real I would make you up

now

I wish that I could follow through

I know that your love is true

And deep

As the sea

But right now

Everything you want is wrong,

And right now

All your dreams are waking up,

And right now

I wish I could follow you

To the shores

Of freedom,

Where no one lives.

 

Remember when we first met

And everything was still a bet

In love's game

You would call; I'd call you back

And then I'd leave

A message

On your answering machine

 

But right now

Everything is turning blue,

And right now

The sun is trying to kill the moon,

And right now

I wish I could follow you

To the shores

Of freedom,

Where no one lives

 

Freedom

Run away tonight

Freedom, freedom

Run away

Run away tonight

 

We're made out of blood and rust

Looking for someone to trust

Without

A fight

I think that you came too soon

You're the honey and the moon

That lights

Up my night

 

 

But right now

Everything you want is wrong,

And right now

All your dreams are waking up,

And right now

I wish that I could follow you

To the shores

Of freedom

Where no one lives

 

Freedom

Run away tonight

Freedom freedom

Run away

Run away tonight

 

We got too much time to kill

Like pigeons on my windowsill

We hang around

 

Ever since I've been with you

You hold me up

All the time I've falling down

 

But right now

Everything is turning blue,

And right now

The sun is trying to kill the moon,

And right now

I wish I could follow you

To the shores

Of freedom

Where no one lives

[Ami1uwant]

To clarify, he lives in San Francisco, but his company pays for his apartment and offers two meals a day (he's a programmer -- kind of a Google-type workplace). So in short, he has plenty of disposable income. I'm just confused about rules, what's fair...etc. And I'm upset that he won't talk about it.

 

Him at his age getting a $150K job can only happen in a few fields (why do I have a feeling family connects played a part in this)

 

Once you graduate and get a job you will likely be making maybe 1.4 of his income. How will things be different?

 

This is something that does need to be discussed.

 

The fair thing is to base it on income where you pay proportionatly. If you and him were going to plan say a $2,000 vacation someplace the expectation is that you would pay $400 and he pay $1600 based on the income differences I made.

 

 

There could be something more going on here .....

 

When you come to travel and see him how are you? Do you expect him to pay for everything or do you offer to pick up some of the meal/activity costs? Do you make dinner for him?

 

 

My gut feeling is he is seeing someone else tight now and she is someone that is also earning money where she offers to pay for bills thus with her he sees he doesnt can sae even more money.

 

 

If you also live out west the flights are generally cheap if you plan ahead where you can fly to SFO or OAK for around $200-$250 RT. If you are on the east coast this fare is going to be higher. thus over the course of the year this adds up.

[pteromom]

My stance on this kind of stuff, whether it be plane tickets, groceries, bills, rent payments, is that the split should be equitable, but not necessarily equal.

 

It also isn't all about money.

 

If someone is a "freeloader", he/she will take and take and give nothing back. If the OP is putting her heart and energy into making him homemade gifts and doing what she can, she is NOT a freeloader.

 

Her boyfriend is in a place where he has extra money, and she doesn't. So it makes sense that he puts what HE has to offer into the relationship, and she puts what SHE has to offer in.

 

When you start keeping tabs on who does what, that's a bad sign.

[Balzac]

Unless you secure an offer of admission to a NoCal vet school, I see no future for the romance. You've put in 2 yrs LDR and the arrangement is faltering.

No doubt your future income could easily cover your accumulated education debt but he's now gone cold on finances.

[thatone]

I could use some advice here, as this is my first relationship and I'm not really sure whether it's fixable and what to do if it is.

 

Recently my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument about finances. To give the situation, we've been dating for three years and we've been long distance for the past two. I love him intensely and consider him to be a potential marriage candidate once I get out of school. I'm 20, in my second year of college and am relatively poor. I've been denied financial aid both years because my parents are middle class, so I pay for school with loans and work two part-time jobs to pay rent and buy groceries. My boyfriend is five years older than me, graduated debt-free from a private school because his mother paid all his expenses, and now has a job that only requires 40 hours a week and pays $150,000 a year.

 

We usually see each other every two or so months, and he always pays for the plane fare. I've never thought this was an issue, as he's always offered and I'm usually scrambling each month to make rent, so if I were to pay half we would probably end up seeing each other once a year. But recently we were having a minor argument over something stupid, and he randomly exploded about how I never buy plane tickets and actually called me a freeloader. I've NEVER heard him complain about that before, and it completely threw me off. We had a really big fight about it, he eventually hung up on me, and whenever I've tried to bring it up since he's said that he doesn't want to talk about it and if I want him to stop being angry I can pay him back when I graduate and get a job.

 

I'm really hurt, and nervous about our upcoming visit. He usually wants to go out/do things downtown/etc. I treat him when I can, but I really do not have the money right now. I also feel nervous about Christmas gifts. I usually give him something homemade like cookies or a knitted laptop case - once I put all the love poems I'd ever written about him in a binder and gave him that. Now the thought of gifts makes me feel sick and anxious. He bought me a kindle last year. Does he resent it every time he spends money on me? I feel like this shouldn't be an issue, but when I told one of our mutual friends about it he took my boyfriend's side and said I wasn't entitled to his money. On the other hand, it's not like I nag him to buy me jewelry, I just want to see my boyfriend. Other people's input would be appreciated.

 

Yep, 5 years is about right. He's gotten to the point where he realizes that the money he's making, while it seemed like a lot initially, isn't a lot once you add the expenses that come along with it. The IRS probably clips him for a third, then if he owns a house, car, has any other sort of debt, that takes some more, local taxes take some more still, add paying to see and do things with you and there's none left.

 

I bet that scenario is pretty accurate and he's in a bind, money wise. It's not hard to do, the more you have the more you're tempted to spend...

[TheFinalWord]

How is your attitude towards money?

 

I have a friend, my former college roommate. We've been keeping contact for years, go get drinks every so often. He made some bad choices when he was younger, he built up a relatively large amount of ccdebt, I had to cover his rent for a couple months at some point, but he ofcourse ended up paying me back in full. Years later, I have a good job and make decent money and he's still struggling, he's slowly paying off his debts but I'm aware of his income and just know he's gotta be living somewhat tight. When we go out I usually pick up the tab, it honestly is not a big deal to me and he appreciates it. I'm sure he would do the same thing for me if the roles were reversed.

 

I make 6 figures a year and my phone is 2 years old. A couple months ago he bought a new iphone. I asked if his debts were handled, he told me "nah, but I got a great deal, it's only 30$ more per month than I was spending on my old one." He was probably right, that's not the point. It just made me realize I could be in his position if things went bad for me at some point, but he could never be in mine. I still pick up the tab most of the time, but it feels less like something I would do because he would do it if he were me, and more like charity.

 

I'm not gay fwiw, but the point is, financials styles can be different, and if your bf catches a hint of you being lavish with money while you can't or won't spend money on an airline ticket that he will end up paying for, that can leave a bad taste in his mouth. Do you do anything that can be seen that way? Could be anything, bought an ipad when you had a relaitvely new laptop, ran up ccdebt for high class clothes or shoes or handbags, go to the fanciest hairdresser in town, anything like that?

 

I agree with this.

 

It's not always about the money. Money is just the surface manifestation. Ever heard, "money is the root of all evil". Actually it's the "love of money" that is the root of all evil. Money is just a tool. But the way people use it shows a lot about them; especially their motivations and personality.

 

I've been with two girls that were both very stingy with their money, but not with mine We were both students, but I made a more so i would generally pay for things. However, there were little things she did to show me that it wasn't just that she didn't have money, she was also selfish. One example, we were in line at the dollar store. She was in front of me in line. I placed my 3 items ($3) worth of stuff on the belt. She didn't pick up my $3 worth of stuff, even though I always paid for everything. Showed me, she doesn't think about me (only one of many examples). Another girl, I paid for everything. We are at the bookstore hanging out. She gets up, says "I'm gonna get myself a coffee"...leaves me sitting there; doesn't' even ask if I want some b/c that would mean she would have to expend $2. For me, I didn't mind paying for things at all b/c of their circumstances. But they had opportunities to show their generosity in other ways that were well within their power and didn't do it. Point is, look at other areas. Are you showing him that you are selfish in some way(s)? Look at how you treat him. The money issue could just be another symptom of a larger problem.

 

If it is genuinely b/c he wants you to pay equally, contrasting your situation to his, he's being jerkish and himself seems selfish and spoiled. If he grew up in affluent lifestyle this is definitely possible. Often kids born with a silver spoon can never grasp that other people don't have everything handed to them. He may have problems with empathy, which will spell trouble down the road.

 

Who knows, as with 95% of threads, only one side is given so it's hard to know. Best to you!