BUBS Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I'm having a really hard time in my life right now with this break up. I was much more reasonable in the beginning of it and now seem to be coming off the tracks as the holidays come around and it sets in that he is not coming back but rather perfectly content in his life, with whomever he is with that isn't me. I'm struggling because I relocated to be with him, and of course was planning a wedding and in the process I let a lot of bridges burn back at home where I am now, of course the ones that didn't burn have also changed as we get older we all are involved in our own business. It's hard to find joy or fulfillment in my life now that he is gone, I realize how much of myself I invested in us working and how little satisfaction I had with any other aspect of my life. I had NO idea that I would be this miserable and this lost. I know everyone suggests doing things, and I know it's the healthiest thing for me, I just don't know what to do to make my life have that kind of meaning again. I found what I wanted and forgot a back up plan. I am really unraveling today, everything in me wants to beg him like a pathetic wet dog to take me in and nurture me and help me back on my feet. I've tried talking to family and friends a lot more recently, I've tried going out, and everything else and NOTHING IS WORKING! I'm getting so much worse. I have finals this week and can't even bring myself to begin them I'm so emotionally wrecked. I'm so hurt that he left me especially after proposing, us living together and so forth. He left me when everything was falling apart... it kills imagining that ridding me from his life was probably a great relief. I need support and I don't know where to turn. I've turned to isolating the past week because I really can't keep it together around other people. I just want it to get better already and I don't feel like I have it in me to keep dealing with this horrible sense of self worth and view of my life... but much like other posters on here, I don't know how to change it enough to really find the type of fulfillment as an individual as I have had in a loving relationship. I know its not healthy to be co-dependent, and I didn't even realize I was... the question is how do I break it? I have been in relationships with someone or another since I was 13, mostly serious relationships as well that provide that comfort, and purpose to wake up in the morning happy. In the times I was single (throughout teens) I had no real responsibilities and hung out with tons of friends constantly, so all of my joy has come from relationships with other people. Now most of my friends are away, busy, or too tired to do anything, and I have trouble relating to them. I have no foundation... I'm standing in the rubble of my beautiful life, and its too overwhelming to even consider rebuilding. Someone please help me with this, where do I start? I have been trying to take baby steps, rest a lot, and do small tasks, but I'm finding this is hindering me more because it makes me feel like my life has no meaning, like I am just a zombie who works, and occasionally musters the energy to complete a homework assignment. God this ****ing sucks so bad!!!
kristi628 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I can tell you that I'm going through the EXACT thing right now (minus the engagement). I relocated for my ex (still cant get used to using that term) and now I'm stuck in this city away from all of my friends and family, living in our home which is now empty. Sometimes I have to force myself out of bed. Literally. The crying will stop, that i can only promise. It will become less and less each day. But that overwhelming feeling in your chest, that takes a lot longer. I'm only at 18 days since he left for someone else. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. His friends are meeting her and saying that he found a "good one" and his family has accepted her. And i'm left with this anxiety driven feeling like my whole life is crashing down on me. I was happy. I loved him more than anything in this world. i gave him everything I had. I took care of him, got him a better job, encouraged and supported him through everything. And now he's with someone else. And i was discarded like yesterday's news. It helps a little bit knowing someone is going through the exact same thing. I would never wish this upon anybody. But you have to be strong for yourself. Make sure you eat and sleep (i'm still not quite there yet) and take care of yourself. If not for you, then do it for the people who love you. I'm here if you need anything.
Author BUBS Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you, it's nice to know people can relate, though I really wouldn't wish this pain on anyone (except him maybe). I'm sorry you are going through it, obviously I know exactly how it feels. I went through what you did, I gave everything, abandoned my family,friends and life and did my best to become a part of his. I even relocated a second time for him to make sure he had the best job possible that he wanted. I always put myself on the back burner to fit what he needed, worked crappy jobs and did my schooling online slower than I wanted to because I couldn't transfer all my credits to the new state. I feel cheated beyond anything. I spent years building a life with him, just so he could take that life and use it on someone new who didn't know all of the mistakes or flaws, someone who could make him feel alive again. That's my value? I've known him since he was 14 years old writing crappy poetry and thinking he was cool. I know his whole family, I've sat with his brother while he cried hysterically, and driven a thousand miles to console his sister through her divorce and he wants something else... It really is difficult because a break up hurts your self esteem so much to know that they don't want to try and make it work with you, but it hurts 10 times more when they replace you so quickly. You can't help but to go back through your relationship and hate on yourself for all of the "mistakes" you made. Maybe if I had been more "wife" material, kept my mouth shut a little more, didn't snap as often... shoulda, coulda, woulda, ya kno the drill. If you ever want to talk or vent I'm here too... I could use people in my life who can relate to this kind of torment.
cavalier99 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Here's the deal. You communicated with him as recently as Thanksgiving. Don't know about after that. So you aren't even a few weeks into NC if that. These feelings are normal but you wont recover quickly if you have any contact. YOU NEED TIME AND NC You cant force time to go faster no matter what you try to do to get over this. Activities help but time is the key ingredient mixed with pure NC and forcing yourself to get up. I know the world feels like it is ending but if you stick to NC and keep busy it WILL get better promise. 1
Author BUBS Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I know I need to go no contact. I just worry even that wont be enough. I'm worried itll make it worse. I'm getting worse as each day passes that I realize I'm further and further away from what I had with him, that he is probably forgetting all of the amazing times we had with this tainted bull****. So I worry that adding in no contact is going to kill me more, as itll only bring me further away from what we had, making me even more upset that its gone. I know I need to face the cold hard facts that it is over, and that what we had doesn't exist anymore and wanting to keep that **** close to me does me absolutely no good... I just don't know how.
cavalier99 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I know I need to go no contact. I just worry even that wont be enough. I'm worried itll make it worse. Well you cant know until you try it and you have tried everything else except the # one thing everyone who has been thru this recommends. Sounds like NC cant be any worse than it is for you now. You'll have to give up this unrealistic hope eventually whether you want to or not. The question is when and how much more suffering you want to put your self thru. I mean it will still be bad but it is much worse holding onto false hope. 1
NavyAirTraffic Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 The question is when and how much more suffering you want to put your self thru. I mean it will still be bad but it is much worse holding onto false hope. You can't be with him, you can't be friends with him, what's the point in ever contacting him again?? Right now, forever, until he contacts you begging for you back..... contact=self inflicted torture!
kristi628 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you, it's nice to know people can relate, though I really wouldn't wish this pain on anyone (except him maybe). I'm sorry you are going through it, obviously I know exactly how it feels. I went through what you did, I gave everything, abandoned my family,friends and life and did my best to become a part of his. I even relocated a second time for him to make sure he had the best job possible that he wanted. I always put myself on the back burner to fit what he needed, worked crappy jobs and did my schooling online slower than I wanted to because I couldn't transfer all my credits to the new state. I feel cheated beyond anything. I spent years building a life with him, just so he could take that life and use it on someone new who didn't know all of the mistakes or flaws, someone who could make him feel alive again. That's my value? I've known him since he was 14 years old writing crappy poetry and thinking he was cool. I know his whole family, I've sat with his brother while he cried hysterically, and driven a thousand miles to console his sister through her divorce and he wants something else... It really is difficult because a break up hurts your self esteem so much to know that they don't want to try and make it work with you, but it hurts 10 times more when they replace you so quickly. You can't help but to go back through your relationship and hate on yourself for all of the "mistakes" you made. Maybe if I had been more "wife" material, kept my mouth shut a little more, didn't snap as often... shoulda, coulda, woulda, ya kno the drill. If you ever want to talk or vent I'm here too... I could use people in my life who can relate to this kind of torment. It's not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. I know. I may not text, email or call my ex but I'm still technically involved in some form of contact bc I can see his twitter. I'm not ready to stop just yet as it's only been 12 days since they got together. But I know that's what I'm working myself up to. I could be having an okay day. I'll go to work and find something enjoyable about my day, until I check twitter and it all goes out the window. Sweetie, you could have done EVERYTHING and ANYTHING under the sun and he still might have left. Trust me. My ex would tell me all the time how I was going to make the perfect wife or call me his little housewife, but he never made that commitment. He never asked me to be his wife. I think he just liked the fact that someone was taking care of him so that he could continue being lazy and take advantage. I'm sorry but you could've been perfect, and people will still leave. It hurts so much, I know. But you did nothing wrong.
cavalier99 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) It's not as easy as everyone makes it out to be. I know. I may not text, email or call my ex but I'm still technically involved in some form of contact bc I can see his twitter. I'm not ready to stop just yet as it's only been 12 days since they got together. But I know that's what I'm working myself up to. I could be having an okay day. I'll go to work and find something enjoyable about my day, until I check twitter and it all goes out the window. It definitely isn't easy. Im 10 weeks out of a 8 year relationship and she was with a new guy days after leaving. I cried. I mourned. The 1st few weeks felt like 3 years in the deepest pits of hell. My hand shook as I deleted 8 years of emails, texts, loving voice mails, and all her contact info. And I blocked everything. I felt as if i would never recover nor would i be able to ever love again. But i did it! And I feel a hell of a lot better now and 1000x stronger. Stayed NC since the 1st few days after the BU. I know nothing. If she still lives here, what is her job, if she thinks of me or not, if she has the new BF or not. She and the immediate wrath of the BU are becoming more and more a distant dream/nightmare ...it is so much easier this way even though I'm not recovered 100 percent. So i know it isn't easy but many of us do have some perspective on what works and believe it or not your situation isn't that unique. We all go thru this with varying levels of intensity. But the solution always seems to be the same. Complete NC when you finally give up the fight for him and decide to fight for yourself! Edited December 12, 2012 by cavalier99
Pinky777 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It's hard to find joy or fulfillment in my life now that he is gone, I realize how much of myself I invested in us working and how little satisfaction I had with any other aspect of my life. I had NO idea that I would be this miserable and this lost. I know everyone suggests doing things, and I know it's the healthiest thing for me, I just don't know what to do to make my life have that kind of meaning again. I found what I wanted and forgot a back up plan. I am really unraveling today, everything in me wants to beg him like a pathetic wet dog to take me in and nurture me and help me back on my feet. I've tried talking to family and friends a lot more recently, I've tried going out, and everything else and NOTHING IS WORKING! I'm getting so much worse. I have finals this week and can't even bring myself to begin them I'm so emotionally wrecked. I'm so hurt that he left me especially after proposing, us living together and so forth. He left me when everything was falling apart... it kills imagining that ridding me from his life was probably a great relief. I need support and I don't know where to turn. I've turned to isolating the past week because I really can't keep it together around other people. I just want it to get better already and I don't feel like I have it in me to keep dealing with this horrible sense of self worth and view of my life... but much like other posters on here, I don't know how to change it enough to really find the type of fulfillment as an individual as I have had in a loving relationship. I know its not healthy to be co-dependent, and I didn't even realize I was... the question is how do I break it? I'm struggling the same way you are to let go. My relationship was only 7 months, I never relocated for him and there was no serious talk of marriage, but we talked about future plans so I know it was at least a possibility for us. I fell in love hard and fast, and after a failed marriage I guess I put all my hopes of happiness on this one relationship because he was so many wonderful things i wanted in a man that I never experienced with my ex-husband or anyone else. My ex-bf was #1 in my life, everything else was secondary. I was not #1 in his life, his kids were of course, but I really hoped our connection was strong enough I'd eventually win his heart over in time, I guess. How dumb. I'm in my mid 30s and most of my friends are MWC, in serious relationships, single parents, they all have some special person in their lives that means the world to them and vice versa. I have friends, but I don't them much and I feel so alone. Like you I've always had someone there, a tight group of friends when I was younger, then my husband, then shortly thereafter this guy. Now I go to bed alone, wake up alone, go through most of my day alone, and my phone stays pretty quiet except for the occasional text. I don't know what to fill my life with and whatever I keep busy with seems like just filler. I have 2 finals coming up and it's taking me all Ican just to get through them. I almost don't care about doing well I just want to get through it but of course I know I need to do well. Now hurts, but I dont want to f up my future. I have no sage words of advice for you that others haven't given already but I know how you feel. I know I should let go but just haven't wrapped my brain around it 100%. Letting go means possibly losing him forever and that is hard to really accept, even though I know I need to, to move on, for me. He'll do what he wants to do regardless. The only thing keeping me from breaking contact, just to hear his voice is all the advice I'm getting here from people that have been through it, and the knowledge from past breakups that it DOES get better. I know it does. It already has. You'll have relapses and backslides, that's how recovery works. I'm struggling mightily with this particular breakup, but there's a lot of me I need to fix, and even getting back together with the ex wont' fix those things.
cavalier99 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 (edited) Maybe this will make you feel better. This was me on Nov 15. Seemed to be a BIG turning point for me. You just need to slug it out and stay NC. I haven't cried since. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/357332-friggin-fed-up-sick-tired-recovery Edited December 13, 2012 by cavalier99
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