Does wife want to cheat or am I crazy? Or both?

[aston]

I've been married to my wife for 3 years. We have been role playing fantasies in the bedroom for 2 years or so where she tells me stories of her being with other guys playfully and at my request. And please I know Its not the healthiest fantasy to have with your wife but something I, we, indulge in regardless. Its always an unknown, unnamed stranger and always an imaginary situation. I've told her she should do it and then she insists strongly that she would never cheat in real life saying it would be against her character and she gets a little irritated at the insinuation.

Last weekend my wife and I were very drunk. She left for awhile then came back in dressed up for sex and horny and said she wanted to tell me something..

She then announced she had found someone she wanted to have sex with and that she was willing to go ahead and do it. A doctor she works with every day. He is 29 my wife is 44. It was a little exciting but also made me wonder if it was true so I began to ask her questions about it. She admitted having a crush on him and admitted fantasizing about him etc. etc.

A few minutes later she said it was all a lie and made up that she just said it all to be naughty. I questioned her more and she said she was "emotionally" attracted to him and thats all. She said its completely innocent and that she just thinks he has a nice personality thats it..She says she is not physically attracted to him. She says she's more flattered by the fact that he likes her or wants her thats all.

 

In my mind the fact that she brought his name out out of nowhere in relation to sex means there is something there and she's lying now and just doesnt want to upset me.

A few nights later I did a little test. We were having sex and I brought his name up and role played a situation where he was screwing her in her office and she got wet and excited instantly once I started the story....

Later she told me not to do that again and doesnt want to talk about any of it anymore. No more questions she said...

 

So from you guys experience am I crazy and just taking something that was imaginary way too far or am I correct in assuming my wife indeed wants her co worker even if she will never act on it or admit it?? Is there a chance of her actually being with him or a chance she already has??

Thanks for your advice in advance!

Cheers!

Edited December 12, 2012 by aston

[road]

A marriage is for two not three.

 

You primed your wife to want to have extra lovers for two years.

 

When she says she has a crush on a guy she works with I am sad to say from years reading in infidelity boards she most likely has done this OM already.

 

By her bringing the OM up she gets you to go along with making the role playing real with this OM after the fact. Now she can go bang the OM and not call it cheating and you can't complain.

 

Then you will never be the wiser.

 

Now if want to be smart you better quit this role playing cold turkey today.

 

Tell your WW that her lusting after this co worker and wanting to act on it is wrong. That her work situation has made your WW working with the OM no longer doable. WW has to leave her job at this company and find another job at a new company were the OM does not work.

 

I have seen to many marriages go bad heading down the road you are on.

[BetrayedH]

She does "want" her coworker. That said, we all "want" other people from time to time. It's called temptation.

 

The challenge here is about boundaries. You're pushing them. You're on a slippery slope. The fantasy is getting a little too close to reality and that's why you're here. If you want to maintain a monogamous relationship with your wife, you need to reestablish healthy boundaries because your current lack of them (as fun as it has been) is putting your marriage at risk.

 

I highly recommend you both read the book, Not Just Friends. Your wife is dangerously close to permitting herself to have an affair with this guy. Avoidance of the subject as your W has suggested is NOT a good idea. You need to be more open and honest with each other now, not less. Let her know that your feelings will not be hurt by her honesty. Let her know that our emotional connection with her (and your continued marriage) is what is paramount to you. You both walked onto that slippery slope together (you own some of this risk-taking) and now you're at the edge of a cliff. Let her know that you want to step back from it together, too.

[Ninja'sHusband]

To me the thing about being "emotionally" attracted is really scary, even if nothing has happened.

[aston]

To me the thing about being "emotionally" attracted is really scary' date=' even if nothing has happened.[/quote']

 

I'm right there with you on that sounding scary which is why I posted on this site to begin with... I quizzed her on what she meant by it last night. My wife is foreign and I have concluded that she has a very poor understanding of technical English. We have had many hundreds of translation misunderstandings before. According to her the guy is "emotionally attractive" as in that he is a very nice, humble person that people generally like. She made it very clear that she did not mean she has any emotions toward him.....

 

Sorry guys I know its complicated but relationships can be....Thanks for your advice it has helped me sort this out.

[aston]

A marriage is for two not three.

 

You primed your wife to want to have extra lovers for two years.

 

When she says she has a crush on a guy she works with I am sad to say from years reading in infidelity boards she most likely has done this OM already.

 

By her bringing the OM up she gets you to go along with making the role playing real with this OM after the fact. Now she can go bang the OM and not call it cheating and you can't complain.

 

Then you will never be the wiser.

 

Now if want to be smart you better quit this role playing cold turkey today.

 

Tell your WW that her lusting after this co worker and wanting to act on it is wrong. That her work situation has made your WW working with the OM no longer doable. WW has to leave her job at this company and find another job at a new company were the OM does not work.

 

I have seen to many marriages go bad heading down the road you are on.

 

Well I certainly agree with you on my behavior pushing a woman towards it..Its the pitfall of indulging in that type of fantasy. I'm not sure how "normal" it is to have these kinds of fantasies but its certainly not incredibly healthy for a marriage. As far as her actually cheating I don't think so. One can never be 100% sure but I'm 99% sure she hasn't. I'm also 99% sure she has probably thought of the idea more than she would admit.

Not to boast but my wife is an exytremely attractive woman to almost anyone..The guy in question is certainly not in that category by any womans standards.

Her character and upbringing, no contact with him outside of work whatsoever, and the fact that he truly is kind of pathetic physically are some of the reasons I think the way I do on it. NOT what she tells me.....but what I see for myself.

Thanks for your advice though it has encouraged me to reconsider my own behavior and what it might lead to. The fantasy may be great but if turned into reality..well not so much fun after all..

[aston]

She does "want" her coworker. That said, we all "want" other people from time to time. It's called temptation.

 

The challenge here is about boundaries. You're pushing them. You're on a slippery slope. The fantasy is getting a little too close to reality and that's why you're here. If you want to maintain a monogamous relationship with your wife, you need to reestablish healthy boundaries because your current lack of them (as fun as it has been) is putting your marriage at risk.

 

I highly recommend you both read the book, Not Just Friends. Your wife is dangerously close to permitting herself to have an affair with this guy. Avoidance of the subject as your W has suggested is NOT a good idea. You need to be more open and honest with each other now, not less. Let her know that your feelings will not be hurt by her honesty. Let her know that our emotional connection with her (and your continued marriage) is what is paramount to you. You both walked onto that slippery slope together (you own some of this risk-taking) and now you're at the edge of a cliff. Let her know that you want to step back from it together, too.

 

Thanks for your reply, last night my wife and I discussed the human nature and "temptation" aspect of relationships. The wife said due to the fact she could never be physically attracted to her co worker that nothing would ever be possible between the two of them . She also said hypothetically if she encountered a man who was very attractive at this point that she could possibly develop some feelings for another man. Which brings up your point of us being on a slippery slope at this point due to my "risk taking" in this area.

So all in all I think we have come to a decent understanding of where we are at and what we need to modify to keep the relationship healthy.. Thanks again

[standtall]

Red alert time!

[BetrayedH]

Red alert time!

 

Yeah, I think this is being too easily dismissed.

 

Get the book I mentioned. Make sure she reads it. Seriously.

[GLDheart]

The damage is done. Can it be repaired? Of Course!! But you have to admit that the damage HAS been done... none of this "that was close...." or "we dodged a bullet..." or "glad I got to that in time..."

 

I THINK YOU SHOULD APOLOGIZE TO YOUR WIFE:

 

"Honey, this just got way too real. I now see what I did. I am so sorry. When it was just you and I flirting with imaginary people, It kind of turned me on... But now that it seems like we've come close to reality, THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT AT ALL! I was sooooo wrong to think I could share you and get turned on by it. I want to vomit. I want to fix this. I am so sorry."

Edited December 13, 2012 by GLDheart

[Realist3]

I'm going to side with "both".

[nofool4u]

If a wife of mine said she wanted to have sex with someone else and was willing to do it, she'd soon be my x-wife.

 

Can't trust someone who says that. Even if she reversed herself if it angered you, it doesn't change the fact that she wants to and would have if you gave her the green light.

 

You are not crazy. She wants to cheat, but she was wanting your permission. I'd say if the opportunity ever came up where she thought you would NEVER find out, she screw another man.

 

You are in a tough spot. You have, IMO, an unfaithful woman, whether she has ever physically cheated or not.

[GorillaTheater]

Its always an unknown, unnamed stranger and always an imaginary situation. I've told her she should do it and then she insists strongly that she would never cheat in real life saying it would be against her character and she gets a little irritated at the insinuation.

 

THAT was a pretty significant f*ck-up.

 

Time to talk about boundaries, and lay off the role-playing for a while. I hope it's not too late.

[aston]

I'm going to side with "both".

 

I was wondering when someone was going to answer the title question correctly!

[aston]

THAT was a pretty significant f*ck-up.

 

Time to talk about boundaries, and lay off the role-playing for a while. I hope it's not too late.

 

Yeah I suppose so. Lucky for me the current guy in question isn't something great to look at or I suppose this could be a different conversation entirely.

We'll see if I can resist my twisted mind and stay away from this area of fetish with my wife. Time to lay off the testosterone.

[GLDheart]

... Lucky for me the current guy in question isn't something great to look at or I suppose this could be a different conversation entirely...

 

Don't kid yourself. Based upon the zillion stories that I read here, "looks" is pretty damn low on the list of why "the affair" happened.

[LoveTKO]

It sounds like you're very much intrigued and aroused by this idea of watching your wife have sex. You're trying to put it all on her, but we both know that you are turned on by it, hence all the role playing and fantasizing during sex.

 

Just a heads up. I know two couples who have experimented with cuckolding, and it has complicated their relationship. For this one guy it became a depraved obsession to the point that he began sharing his wife with several men. The wife in the other couple all of a sudden thought that she had the green light to start having sex behind her husband's back. Relationships are complicated enough as is.....don't bring another person into the bedroom under any circumstance.

[turnera]

She made it very clear that she did not mean she has any emotions toward him.....

She's lying.

 

Alcohol helps people tell the truth.

 

She's 44 and missing her youth and a hot young doctor wants her...given y'all's proclivities, that's a bad combination.

 

You're going to have to sit down and talk about this.

 

When you do, however, you need to take a deep, hard look at your marriage.

 

I recommend both of you filling out the Love Buster questionnaire (marriagebuilders.com) (stay away from their forum; it's toxic).

[turnera]

Yeah I suppose so. Lucky for me the current guy in question isn't something great to look at or I suppose this could be a different conversation entirely.

We'll see if I can resist my twisted mind and stay away from this area of fetish with my wife. Time to lay off the testosterone.

You're aware, right, that most women who cheat, cheat because of the EMOTIONAL connection, not the sex? They'll throw in the sex to keep the guy, who usually IS there for the sex. But she's already told you she likes him 'emotionally.' She's having an Emotional Affair. You need to educate yourself; she's halfway to his bed.

[LoveTKO]

You're aware, right, that most women who cheat, cheat because of the EMOTIONAL connection, not the sex? They'll throw in the sex to keep the guy, who usually IS there for the sex. But she's already told you she likes him 'emotionally.' She's having an Emotional Affair. You need to educate yourself; she's halfway to his bed.

 

 

Not always. Some women cheat for sex and passion.

[turnera]

Yeah I suppose so. Lucky for me the current guy in question isn't something great to look at or I suppose this could be a different conversation entirely.

Now, see, you are thinking like a man. And thinking your WIFE thinks like a man. Women very often will look for internal characteristics before they care about the outside. Men very often ONLY look at a woman's looks. Women want, generally, conversation, attention, admiration, respect, and a genuine interest in them. It could come in any package, as long as she's getting the attention.

 

You're making a BIG mistake if you think she would turn him away just because he's not Channing Tatum.

 

Is HE giving her the attention YOU should be giving her? Is HE criticizing her, taking her for granted, talking over her, expecting her to do all the 'womanly' chores even though you both work? I'm not saying you do any of this. But this is often WHY women cheat. As I said, take a good hard look at what your marriage looks like - from HER side.

[turnera]

Not always. Some women cheat for sex and passion.

That's why I said MOST.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you are playing with fire. Fantasies are okay to have but they become problematic when a third party gets involved. People always gets hurt.

 

And you're setting yourself up for her to cheat on you. She can do it and not feel guilty about it because, "OPPS!!! I thought that this is what you wanted?!?! My bad!"

 

Time to have a serious talk with her. Because, guess what? She's already cheating on you! She's having an emotional affair. She's becoming emotionally invested in this other dude and her thoughts are turning to him. And you're not helping by inviting the IDEA of him into the bedroom which should only be a private and loving place for you and your wife.

 

You say that he isn't much to look at, but you're playing him up as a stud in her mind and sooner or later, she may want to try out the goods.

[Steadfast]

This fantasy truly is playing with fire...commonly used to hyper-drive sexual satisfaction. But, as you seem to grasp, the fantasy thrill can turn into ugly reality. When or if that happens, you'll feel the same. Being cheated on is being cheated on.

 

She might have already lost a lot respect for you.

 

Most of the time, this behavior is fueled by porn use. Is it a problem? If you honestly, sincerely feel it is unhealthy, tell your wife. Explain that the thought of it is a turn on, but you're struggling with the reality. She needs to know that you ARE feeling guilt. She needs to be aware of the struggle.

 

If you lay this out, then fall back into the fantasy again, you're addicted.

 

I read in one journal that couples coming out of the hot wife scene repaired their relationship by focusing on other tasks. Some started businesses, some did volunteer work, others took up hobbies like hiking and rock climbing. They changed their routine and through hard work and mental 'reprogramming' learned to embrace and enjoy a healthy sex life again. No matter what anyone says, loving sex is the best sex.

 

Like food, we must resist temptation to maintain a healthy lifestyle. It takes practice and dedication. Women love a real man...a man that claims them...even one who get a bit envious when another male gets too close. Go ahead, show your manly side and make sure you wife knows you don't want to share. Unless you do. If that truly is the case, you're probably trying to ruin it subconsciously. Are you truly happy? Examine yourself.

 

It takes lots of courage to ask for help on something so personal. You can beat this-

[JamesM]

You're aware, right, that most women who cheat, cheat because of the EMOTIONAL connection, not the sex? They'll throw in the sex to keep the guy, who usually IS there for the sex. But she's already told you she likes him 'emotionally.'

 

Don't kid yourself. Based upon the zillion stories that I read here, "looks" is pretty damn low on the list of why "the affair" happened.

 

Agree. The fact that she likes him and fantasizes about him means that his looks are not a problem. Thankfully for most of us men, we look more attractive the more a woman gets to know us. My wife often says I am the most handsome man in the room. Do I believe that most women feel that way? No, although it is a nice fantasy.

 

The more she likes him emotionally, the more he appeals to her sexually. Fact.

 

Your job is to be certain that you appeal more to her than this guy no matter what. Your job is also to be certain that nothing has happened between them or that nothing could happen. How? Good question. But I would start by courting her as if you were dating. And then I would drop in at her work once in awhile. Ask her out to lunch. And check to see that this young doctor doesn't take her out to lunch.

 

BTW. doctors by their career seem to have an upper hand with women.