Jingle14 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 After a very difficult and traumatic break up last year, so horrendous that I swore I’d never put myself through the whole relationship thing again, I accepted an invitation to go out – and at that point I wasn’t sure whether it was platonic or not – with a man I know through work (he doesn’t work for us but for one of our clients, although he is someone who has been out with us quite a bit as part of a wider group and I always have a good laugh with him and ‘flirty’ banter). His situation is he split with his wife this year and is going through a difficult divorce. When he split up, I emailed him to extend commiserations and added that, as I had been through the same thing, if he ever wanted to talk then he knew where I was. He was appreciative and we spoke a couple of times while out with our group, he followed this up with a couple of messages on Facebook but I’d not heard from him since July. I then got a Facebook message at the end of November asking me to let him know when I was next in London – where we work for part of the week – and he’d take me out ‘for a few beers’. Anyway, we went out and had a good chat about his situation, and about mine. It all went very well and the platonic evening took a non-platonic turn after we left the restaurant, when he very gentlemanly asked to kiss me and we then walked along hand in hand to a bar. We got on really well, had a good laugh, he said he’d liked me for ages etc etc (he was the only one I had been attracted to in months) and we both said we’d like to go out again, loosely suggesting the following week when both in London. To cut a long story short, we ended up in his hotel room. He did say he doesn’t want another relationship, not with all he has going on right now, and I also gather his ex wife was quite demanding so it’s not surprising he doesn’t want to leap from one to another. However, he was keen for me to stay the night but I left after a couple of hours to go back to my hotel. He sent me a text first thing the next morning thanking me for a lovely night, and I replied similarly. Several days later, on the Sunday, he sent me a text asking if I’d had a good weekend and commented on a post I’d put on Facebook, but no mention of meeting up again. As he’d sent me a text, I sent him one on the Monday asking if he was around to meet up the next day but he replied he couldn’t as he wasn’t going to be in London, adding that it was a shame as he’d been looking forward to seeing me. I said I was around the following Wednesday (today) and he said he’d check his child care rota (he has his 2 young kids 50% of the time) and get back to me. And silence since then. Obviously, I get the message and I’m certainly not going to get in touch with him again. Did I read the situation wrong though? He seemed to like me, we had a really good night, good conversation and ‘everything else’ was really easy and relaxed, he wanted me to stay the night and he sent texts. Being honest, his silence has knocked my confidence. I wasn’t expecting a full blown passionate relationship – as I said, he was clear on that – but I thought he was genuine in wanting to see me again. If it was just sex, why text me afterwards? We’re not bits of kids either, we’re late 30’s/early 40’s. Just looking for some insight really.
veggirl Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Question though, is he actually completely divorced yet? I wouldn't get involved if he isn't...has he dated since splitting with his wife? I know he told you he is not looking for something serious, and I wonder if you asking to meet up felt like "pressure" to him, made him think you want more. I don't know, he is obviously emotionally weird, not ready, and will end up being a waste of time no matter what (unless you truly do just want casual sex w/ no strings attached). He probably figures that since he told you he doesn't want a relationship and you agreed, that he is free to call on his whims.... 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I agree with veggirl. Would you really want to date someone who's not divorced yet? It sounds like he was hoping to get lucky in his hotel room. He told you he doesn't want a relationship right now, but it's clear he's up for casual sex. He was polite about it - but that's what it boils down to.
Author Jingle14 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 No he isn't divorced, has only just started proceedings. They split up around May time. I think I was just an ego boost for him, not much of a one for me though now.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Awww, don't let him bring you down. You sound like a great girl
DC4 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 No he isn't divorced, has only just started proceedings. They split up around May time. I think I was just an ego boost for him, not much of a one for me though now. I think you are me and I wrote this thread while sleeping. I must not be too bright because I have fallen for the "we're almost divorced but the marriage was over years ago" twice. Great guys, fun to date, I know they liked me a lot so yeah, same thing.
thatone Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 After a very difficult and traumatic break up last year, so horrendous that I swore I’d never put myself through the whole relationship thing again, I accepted an invitation to go out – and at that point I wasn’t sure whether it was platonic or not – with a man I know through work (he doesn’t work for us but for one of our clients, although he is someone who has been out with us quite a bit as part of a wider group and I always have a good laugh with him and ‘flirty’ banter). His situation is he split with his wife this year and is going through a difficult divorce. When he split up, I emailed him to extend commiserations and added that, as I had been through the same thing, if he ever wanted to talk then he knew where I was. He was appreciative and we spoke a couple of times while out with our group, he followed this up with a couple of messages on Facebook but I’d not heard from him since July. I then got a Facebook message at the end of November asking me to let him know when I was next in London – where we work for part of the week – and he’d take me out ‘for a few beers’. Anyway, we went out and had a good chat about his situation, and about mine. It all went very well and the platonic evening took a non-platonic turn after we left the restaurant, when he very gentlemanly asked to kiss me and we then walked along hand in hand to a bar. We got on really well, had a good laugh, he said he’d liked me for ages etc etc (he was the only one I had been attracted to in months) and we both said we’d like to go out again, loosely suggesting the following week when both in London. To cut a long story short, we ended up in his hotel room. He did say he doesn’t want another relationship, not with all he has going on right now, and I also gather his ex wife was quite demanding so it’s not surprising he doesn’t want to leap from one to another. However, he was keen for me to stay the night but I left after a couple of hours to go back to my hotel. He sent me a text first thing the next morning thanking me for a lovely night, and I replied similarly. Several days later, on the Sunday, he sent me a text asking if I’d had a good weekend and commented on a post I’d put on Facebook, but no mention of meeting up again. As he’d sent me a text, I sent him one on the Monday asking if he was around to meet up the next day but he replied he couldn’t as he wasn’t going to be in London, adding that it was a shame as he’d been looking forward to seeing me. I said I was around the following Wednesday (today) and he said he’d check his child care rota (he has his 2 young kids 50% of the time) and get back to me. And silence since then. Obviously, I get the message and I’m certainly not going to get in touch with him again. Did I read the situation wrong though? He seemed to like me, we had a really good night, good conversation and ‘everything else’ was really easy and relaxed, he wanted me to stay the night and he sent texts. Being honest, his silence has knocked my confidence. I wasn’t expecting a full blown passionate relationship – as I said, he was clear on that – but I thought he was genuine in wanting to see me again. If it was just sex, why text me afterwards? We’re not bits of kids either, we’re late 30’s/early 40’s. Just looking for some insight really. what's not to get? he disappeared once for a few months, then reappeared. he sent a text on sunday, and you ignored it until the next day. you're both kinda playing silly games on each other, but he demonstrated either lack of interest or propensity to be unavailable for weeks/months at a time when you first met. just because you had sex with him doesn't mean the world is any different, in fact it's pretty much the same world it was yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that.
carhill Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Unless you saw the divorce documents filed with the court, this could all be nebulous. Here's something to 'get' about men. They lie. Full stop. After winkie is satisfied, then the truth occurs until the next time winkie wants his freak on. Good luck. 3
Author Jingle14 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 what's not to get? he disappeared once for a few months, then reappeared. he sent a text on sunday, and you ignored it until the next day. you're both kinda playing silly games on each other, but he demonstrated either lack of interest or propensity to be unavailable for weeks/months at a time when you first met. just because you had sex with him doesn't mean the world is any different, in fact it's pretty much the same world it was yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that. I didn't ignore his Sunday text, I replied and several were exchanged so no silly games at all. I sent him a separate text on the Monday to see if he was around On the Tuesday as was suggested the week before. I don't play games, I'm an adult.
thatone Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 well in that case i still don't see why you're struggling to figure this out. as i said he disappeared for months at a time once, now he's disappeared again. so he's that type. and if you said you understood that you're not going to have a relationship with him why are you hoping for one? cause that's what it sounds like you're doing. if you can't separate sex from relationship that's fine, but in that case you need to not have casual sex. if you can that's fine too, call him and organize some sort of FWB arrangement so you can meet up when your schedules match to have sex and go your separate ways. up to you but you can't have a relationship with this guy because he doesn't want one with you.
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