Andy833 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 3 weeks ago my ex broke up with me. we have known each other for just over 2 years. I am from england and she is from sweden we met through online gaming and had an 8 month online relationship, at the time i was unemployed and we would be together playing this game all day everyday. we fell in love but in the end it died out because we both had no money and could not meet up and i guess there is only a certian amount of things you can do together online so the relationship got a little boring and stale. she started spending more and more time with 2 guys she had met it didnt bother me at the time but it got to the point when most of her focus was on these 2 guys and hardly any on me. I tried to discuss how that was making me feel sad and we argued about it. she decided she has had enough and ends the relationship. I tried the no contact but we spoke again 4 days after and then about a week after we spoke again and she said her friend is coming to stay. then nothing for 10 more days after that. then i found out she had invited one of the guys she had met to stay with her for 10 days. I was heart broken. I confronted her about it and she said nothing happend and they was just friends and needed someone to talk to, i did not know what to believe at the time so i went NC and focused on my life because i had got a new job and was working out alot and made me love me again. I found out some months later she was in a relationship with the 2nd guy out of the 2 she met and had gone to greece to stay with him. i was a little sad but by that time my life was great and it did not really phase me, i just hoped she was happy. so 7 months pass and we start talking again, we would stay up to 4am talking about what we had been doing and all the old feelings came flooding back as we talked about old times and fun adventures and things we used to say. she was still in her relationship with the guy from greece but after a couple of weeks finished with him and got back together with me. she definatly seen i had changed, good job good money, i was fit healthy tanned and was way more attractive to her than the first time we met. I was determined to make it work between us this time and i gave it my all we got back together last december and i visited her for the first time in march this year. everything was amazing and when we was together it felt special. over the rest of the year between april - october i had gone to visit 6 times sometimes for weekends sometimes for 10 days to two weeks, worked my ass off to earn the money and worked even harder to finish work projects to be able to get the time off to be able to go and see her. everything was perfect between us, no problems at all, we would lay together and she would confess her undying love for me and how she wanted me forever and i really believed it, we even went to ikea together to use vouchers on stuff for an apartment together, signed us up to a housing website so we could look at apartments together, we had planned for me to move there. when i went back to england it was tough because we missed each other so much, we needed things to do together to keep the spark alive so we went back to this game we played where we first met each other, everything was fine until i got back from my last visit to sweden, she had joined a group in this game and started spending alot of time with a new guy friend she had just made, at the time i thought it was good that she was making friends and i had no problem with it. I had to work super hard at work because we was really busy because i just had 10 days off to see her, also i had to buy tickets to sweden to see her for her birthday for a weekend in november and tickets for 2 weeks over christmas, they was not cheap. aswell as paying bills and buying christmas presents. the money issues was getting alot and was stressing me out with all the work i was putting in. i would get home exhausted, after i had showerd eaten cleaned all i wanted was to sit down and speak with her and spend the few hours of the day i had with her. everytime i would get home she was with playing with this guy, at first it was ok with me but after a while it was impossible to make conversation and i felt she was giving me no one on one time, i wanted to come home and be with my girlfriend, not her friends. i tried to make her understand this but she got upset saying im trying to stop her having friends. one day she leaves a group with this guy and his friend and joins me her friends start to send me abusive messages because she told them i was complaining about her spending time with them. i said to her that i didnt want her to hang around so much with these guys if they are going to be abusive towards me like that. she continued to spend more and more time with this guy and his mate and less with me and we would argue. this was the first problem we had in the whole year we was back together. when we met for the first time we had promised to work on any problem we have with communication and compromise. we had 1 bad argument 4 days before i was supposed to visit and she finished it. deleted / blocked me from every internet program we made contact through. i told her that we made this relationship real so you must talk to me face to face and give me some kind of closure or explanation but she said she didnt want me to come there i said i was coming to get my clothes that i had left there and to give her a birthday card. she still did not want to meet or talk about anything so i packed my bag and went there to try and fix things. i texted her to say i was coming and she text back and said she was going to leave my clothes in a bag outside the airport. she refused to meet me all weekend so i walked to her place and posted the card. spoke to her dad and he was upset over the whole situation i asked if i could talk to her and he went to ask but she didnt want to, her family had thanked me for making her so happy, we said goodbye and he was in tears and said he loved me. I basicly had the worst week of my life, by chance on the day i was flying back to england i was searching for busses to the airport and a bus goes past and i see her on the bus. i chased the bus down the road and knocked on the window and she saw me, she got off the next stop and we spoke for 10 mins. i made the mistake by pleading with her but she said she had made her decision and it wont change. we hugged and said we love each other had a kiss and said goodbye. i went back to england and stayed with my brother for a week, i had written a long email to her saying what had gone wrong and trying to make her understand how i was feeling, she just replyed and said its over and we will never be together again. i spent the next week or so texting and emailing, not begging her back but just to talk about things and try to make her understand that all the money i had spent and all the hard work / extra work i had to do to be able to afford and have the time off to visit is worth more than 1 argument and i felt hard done by over everything i had done to "make her the happiest woman on the planet" (her words) but she shut me out and hit delete like i was not real like i was nothing. i got an email from her saying stop harassing my phone and email, i dont love you anymore, those feelings passed when you came here to stalk me, i dont want to hear from you again, have a nice life. no conversation no detailed email no proper closure and this is from someone that confessed her undying love for me called me the love of her life, the happiest she has ever been, best thing that ever happend to her, soulmate and wants to be together forever how can she say all that and do this to me after all the money time effort hard work i put into our relationship i had spent between 4-5 thousand pounds to be there with her, i felt it was unfair and to lose everything i put in to come away with nothing made me lose my mind. if it was a normal relationship i would have walked away and been done with it. its the fact i put in so much and now have nothing other than memories that makes it so hard to deal with. i want to talk to her to make her understand, try to make her see my point of view and if she did the same efforts to be with me, how would it make her feel. but now i know if i send any text or email it will just be deleted. so yesterday i had enough and texted her saying i hated her for treating me this way. i still love her but now its past my limit and feel its very unfair after everything i put in. we only had happy times together when i visited, all our fighting was done in text. if my time with her really was the best time of her life do you think she will miss it? do you think she was unfair on me? do you think over time she will appreciate the effort i put in? i am starting nc now, do you think its to late to rekindle anything in the future? my plan is not to contact for 6 months to a year unless she contacts me I realise now if it carried on it would have been nothing more than what it was maybe the strain of that was part of her decision but she wont talk to me right now so there are many unawnserd questions. I set myself a goal of saving money learning swedish and working on my fitness, in the future if we rekindle anything then i would be ready to move there and make it real 24/7. if nothing happens between us again then i still plan to move there and i'll find someone else. either way the future will be good ty for reading i look forward to hearing your opinions. be as brutal as you want
Cali408 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Andy, I'm sorry for what you're going through. Heartbreak is terrible, but it will get better. She is not interested in you. Period. Don't ever talk to her, interact with her look her up on Facebook, anything. There are plenty of girls in England. Move on. LDR's are tough to make work. You were used, unfortunately. Now be the man and move forward. Don't give her one second of your time. You don't need to explain anything to her. She doesn't care. Good luck you'll make it.
Author Andy833 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Thanks for the reply. I felt everything was pefect between us, she would say to me on a daily basis how much she loved me so much and could not wait for us to live together and after 1 argument she ends it. i gave my all to make it work but i dont think she appreciates or understands my efforts to make it work. I regret texting her saying i hate her. i want to contact her to make her understand exactly how i feel and why i acted the way i did just to clear the air and end it on good terms then go NC to give her the time to think once she understands. she seems to think im jealous of her friends and trying to control her but the reason i was upset that caused the argument was because i felt like she should have stood by me if she loved me and not hang around with guys that was verbaly abusive towards me. online long distance failed twice now but in real we was perfect together and we both had the best times of our life. i really hope she realises she was unfair and misses what we had. i still hope in the future we can reconcile and make it work when i have the money and the language to move there. she may be angry and stubborn right now but i know that i was the best thing that ever happend to her, her best lover, made her the happiest she has ever been. even her family had said they had never seen her so happy. she will miss that right ?
Cali408 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 No she won't. She's not interested in you any more. You don't need to talk to her. By the way, no more texting with your next girlfriend. Read these Beatle lyrics. They are as true now as 45 years ago. For No One Your day breaks, your mind aches You find that all the words of kindness linger on When she no longer needs you She wakes up, she makes up She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry She no longer needs you And in her eyes you see nothing No sign of love behind the tears Cried for no one A love that should have lasted years! You want her, you need her And yet you don't believe her when she said her love is dead You think she needs you And in her eyes you see nothing No sign of love behind the tears Cried for no one A love that should have lasted years! You stay home, she goes out She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone She doesn't need him Your day breaks, your mind aches There will be time when all the things she said will fil your head You won't forget her And in her eyes you see nothing No sign of love behind the tears Cried for no one A love that should have lasted years 1
Author Andy833 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 yeah shes not intrested now but i know how much i meant to her. she will realise it was a mistake and remember the special times we had and eventualy miss that. I won her back once when she was with someone else and this was before we even met. with me it was the happiest time of her life and we never had any visual or verbal fights, only whats been said in text. i just know we will be back together. the way i see it, people remember what they have done together in real life and not so much what is said and done over the internet and our times was nothing but good times. she has me as a contact still on messenger but i appear offline to her so she must be holding on to something. I guess time will tell but the ball is in her court now for contact I'm sticking to NC now and my goal of learning swedish and saving money she wanted me to move there to be with her but because i visited so much it was impossible to save, maybe because i could not give her what she wanted it may have been part of her decision to breakup. so if anything happens in the future i will be ready to make the commitment, if not i will smarter richer and have a life in sweden with someone else.
Cali408 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Andy, how about you take control? Get her off your messenger and forget about her. Why would you want to be with someone so flaky who puts you through this emotional roller coaster? 1
Carenth Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) yeah shes not intrested now but i know how much i meant to her. she will realise it was a mistake and remember the special times we had and eventualy miss that. She won't you were used. Notice how throughout your realtionship you were doing all the giving and she was doing all the taking. The memories of the good times won't bring her back. However even though you did invest a lot that doesn't mean she owes you anything. I won her back once when she was with someone else and this was before we even met. with me it was the happiest time of her life and we never had any visual or verbal fights, only whats been said in text. i just know we will be back together. You didn't win her back, she got bored with the other guy just like she has gotten bored of you. This would of been a massive red flag in my books. You are deluding yourself if you think you will get back together, not to mention don't you deserve someone who treats you better than that? Why would you want to be with someone who just drops you at a moments notice. the way i see it, people remember what they have done together in real life and not so much what is said and done over the internet and our times was nothing but good times. Actually the other way around, people remember bad times much more easily than good (it's a fact go look it up). She will remember the good times however she will remember the bad times more. It won't stop her moving on and she won't come back. she has me as a contact still on messenger but i appear offline to her so she must be holding on to something. Doesn't mean anything you are grabbing at straws on this. I guess time will tell but the ball is in her court now for contact I'm sticking to NC now and my goal of learning swedish and saving money she wanted me to move there to be with her but because i visited so much it was impossible to save, maybe because i could not give her what she wanted it may have been part of her decision to breakup. You gave her plenty this was a truly one sided relationship, did she ever visit you or make an effort to visit you? My girlfriend who is a full time student is saving money for a trip to come visit me, I've offered to help her out as I'm in a better financial situation than her but she thinks that it would be highly unfair as I just had paid for a trip to visit her. so if anything happens in the future i will be ready to make the commitment, if not i will smarter richer and have a life in sweden with someone else. Nothing will happen and more importantly you deserve better than her. You should do things for yourself, not in case you get back together. This is a time for you to be healing and moving on with your life. Edited December 12, 2012 by Carenth
justwhoiam Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 While reading your story, Andy, I was wondering if culture might have anything to do with her whole approach and behavior. She really cut you off in a bad way, though the relationship was not virtual. And I seriously doubt this could normally happen in other hotter European cultures (see South of Europe). That said, I also wondered what happened during that written fight. Did you bring up the fact that you spent a lot of money/invested on her? Did you call her names? What happened exactly? I am trying to understand if her behavior is somehow justified by something serious, that might be perceived as trivial for you. And most importantly, how old are you both? 1
Author Andy833 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I am 29 she is 21 we was arguing over a game, she wanted to keep on playing with these guys that verbally abused me, i didnt want her to and kept asking her to leave them and that we should find friends together. she refused and i started asking her why these new friends of hers are my important than me. she said im trying to make her choose between me and her friends we argued about it a few times but nothing serious but the tension was building and then we had a bad argument about it and i mentioned that in the past she did the same and ended up with the other guys. she flipped out and said "so you are calling me a wh**e" ? thats it im done, she said that i was being jealous trying to stop her having friends. i tried to explain it was not about me being jealous, i was upset that some guys she had only just met means more to her than i do, i told her that she should have stood by me. but no she wouldnt listen then blocked and deleted me. i know i should have walked away then and there but i pleaded with her and just said that i would change, she said she couldnt trust me to change. i went the next few days without sleep and i texted her trying to make her realise she was over reacting and i would ask, doesnt the times we had together mean more than 1 problem we had in a whole year but she said the pain was to much to deal with, then i asked if all my efforts i put in to make the relationship real means anything to her but she said its over and she wont change her mind. I went to sweden to try and fix this problem and to try meet her face to face but she refused to meet me, only by chance i saw her on the day i flew home and after the weekend i just had i was an emotional wreck and i made the mistake of pleading again. at this point she said she still loves me but cant trust me to change, we kissed and said goodbye. i went back to england and stayed with my brother for a week, i had written an email once i had the chance to clear my head explaining that it was not about jealousy and that we argued for the wrong reasons, tried to make her see things from my point of view, i sent that email and the next day she replied saying its over and that we will never be together again. i raged at this point and called her a liar and a b***h for treating me like this after everything i had done to be there with her. i texted and emailed after that and said i was sorry and after everything that had happend i had lost my mind. she didnt reply and i kept on trying to make her realise she was over reacting and treating me unfairly. i got an email at the weekend saying to stop harassing her and that she dont love me anymore, she said those feelings passed when i came to stalk her even tho she said she loved me when i saw her and she said she never wants to hear from me again. we made it real between us so to go there to talk face to face and seek some closure, it was not stalking. after that i texted her and told her i hate her for doing this to me and that was that. hard to believe i was the best thing that ever happend then 2 weeks later im deleted like im nothing, hard to get my head around it.
Carenth Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 (edited) This relationship had serious trust issues from the first time she broke up with you to run off with her other friend. To the point you became very jealous and controlling of any male friends she may have semi regular contact with (I don't blame you but it's not a good thing) out of a fear she would break up with you and run off with them. To be honest she is 21 and sounds like she does not know what she wants in life and somewhat immature, many girls around her age are like that and can be quite flippant in deciding what they want. This is time for you to take stock of what you have learnt from this relationship and what to avoid for your next one, this one is over and is not salvageable. In future if someone pulls a stunt like she did the first time she dumped you, you move on and forget the existed they are not worth your time. As I said before you didn't win her from the other guy she got bored of him, like she has got bored of you. Trust is very important and it's very hard to trust someone who has burnt and hurt you in the past. Which can lead to paranoia, jealously and controlling behavior. Which happened in this case, that is something you will have to be mindful of in future relationships, most people won't tolerate it. If you try to make someone choose between their friends or you... you are most likely going to lose that battle if they have any self respect. If you get into a fight don't resort to name calling it achieves nothing other than digging a deeper hole. If you can't keep your cool take a time out, keep things civil, express your feelings not your anger. Edited December 14, 2012 by Carenth
Cali408 Posted December 14, 2012 Posted December 14, 2012 She's way too young. Woman under 22 are all over the place. Find someone your own age. You are 35-40% older than her.
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