I love my wife and my "mistress"

[pteromom]

He obviously wasn't OK with not having sex. That's why he's having an affair.

 

No.

 

He's having an affair because he values the crazy sex and emotions he's having with OW more than he values his vows or his family.

 

Yes - lack of sex contributed to him being open to the affair, but it's one's own integrity that makes the final decision.

 

I'm not saying lack of sex isn't an issue. But the correct course of action would be for him to work with his wife to find out why she refuses sex, and what they can do to fix it together. And if she wasn't open to fixing it, he would need to decide whether to leave the marriage. But going outside the marriage isn't the answer. It solves NOTHING. It just creates a big mess where three people get hurt (or four in this case - keep forgetting about OW's poor husband) instead of the two who would be hurt with an honest divorce.

[SidLyon]

This really does seem like a classic case of what can be called "cake-eating", "split-self" or simply a man who for whatever reason loves two women. This is after all, the title of this thread.

 

The OP acknowledges this situation is untenable for him, although in a different culture, or even his own culture with a different understanding (eg open marriage or polyamory), it could still be acceptable.

 

OP, as someone else said, martyrs are not especially attractive. In my opinion, you need to either decide which woman you want and go with her and stop all this lamenting and "woe is me" stuff. If you choose your wife then you need to do that and forget about your OW. If you choose your OW then you need to do so in a manner as kindly as possible for your wife. Alternatively try to convert your lifestyle to one that is better suited to you personally. This of course would require honesty from you with both woman but especially your wife who, unlike your OW has not signed up to "share" you.

 

If you stay with your wife then I'd recommend honesty with her as she can't contribute to fixing what is wrong without knowing the situation. Most BW do elect to stay after a d-day (at least initially) and a truly remorseful WH with a willing BW have a good chance of working it out (in my opinion).

 

My experience is as a BW who's WH had a long-term A. When it ended he resolved to not get involved with OW again and recommit to his marriage. The problem is I was completely unaware and so didn't put in the work to reconcile (after all I didn't even know we were reconciling!) so it was unsuccessful (as in nothing much changed and he was still unhappy, yearning for something more - his words). 3 years later he again became susceptible to an A with the same OW.

 

I have always believed he loved us both, but then there was a d-day. His own words were that d-day totally crystallized for him what he really wanted. It was me and his marriage, but I guess could have just as easily been the OW, after all they had a long history and she was single by then.

 

Together we have put in the work to reconcile. It hasn't been easy and I spent the first nearly 2 years pretty well crushed and devastated. It's more than 4 years past d-day now and we are still going strong. Our sex life is active and good, whereas before it was sporadic and infrequent although we never completely stopped. We are in our early/mid 50s now and were in our late 40s/early 50s at d-day, with 2 teenage children.

 

It can be done but you really need to decide which woman and stop feeling sorry for yourself. People are going to be hurt (and have already been hurt) whatever you do.

[ComingInHot]

Shame:

I agree with you!... YOUR AFFAIR IS WRONG. You are right about this.

 

I am SO glad you are posting here! I think it's so important for the woman on this forum to see you or the WH for the man you (and other cheating men) really are. Both the Betrayed Spouse AND the OW need to see what lies in the heart of the cheating man.

The wives can see the callousness regarding the marriage and children and the other women can see how the cheating husband is using them and then everyone can see how selfish you (and the rest of the WH's) really are during an A.

I am in no way condoning the MOW's actions hear as she is participating in her own A on her BH. I think that's foul on both parts.

 

Is this the type of person you really are? Do you truly believe you are justified in cheating on your wife and children?

Or did you just get tired of the road of life you had chosen and decide to take an exit that you hadn't been to and decide to stay longer than you should have?

 

For me, No Amount Of Excuses to justify the behavior of having an A will in any way change the fact that it is wrong and abhorrent to your W and the OW who is expecting way more than you think!

 

And really? the same neighborhood?! that's gonna be ugly...

 

I really hope you are a real man who just got side tacked at the wrong exit.

[whichwayisup]

Didn't he say somewhere in this thread, that he actually was OK with not having sex, he got used to it and it wasn't a huge issue? That he was still really happy in his marriage, reguardless of his non sex life? It wasn't until he met the OW, this obviously became an issue and he realized he wanted sex.

Or have I mixed this up with another thread.

[pteromom]

This is just an excuse for a bunch of women posters who want to basically say "SEE??? IT'S PERFECTLY OK FOR A WOMAN TO STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER HUSBAND, IT DOESN'T CAUSE ANY MARITAL PROBLEMS, HOW DO WE KNOW THAT--BECAUSE THE OP SAID SO, AND WE ALWAYS TAKE WHATEVER AN OP SAYS, ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS HAVING AN AFFAIR,

AT FACE VALUE!!!!"

 

Nobody is saying that.

 

What they (we) are saying is that you don't solve marital problems by stepping outside a marriage.

 

If a man values sex, it is NOT ok for a woman to stop having sex. They should work together to solve the problem.

[whichwayisup]

Don't make this thread about me, or any other woman on here. Each of us are allowed to have our opinion. Don't put your crap on me Ducksoup and no need to use caps to scream at me. If you are this frustrated over what I've said or anybody else has said, maybe it's time for you to take a break from thread since it seems to be setting you off and you're being aggressive.

 

If his wife had an accident and was unable to have sex ever again, I wonder if he'd still be cheating or would he be nurturing his wife and having other ways of connecting with her on an intimate level, and still be happy.

 

How much of his thread is 'history being rewritten to suit his cheating ways'.. Remember, we're only hearing one side of this story.. Just sayin.

[whichwayisup]

(*No, OP was NOT "OK" with his marital lack of sex life, deceiving onesself that one is "OK" with an unsatisfactory sex life as a way of avoiding dealing with it is not the same thing as actually being OK with it.)

 

Then he should have spoken up about it to his wife. "Hey honey, I love you and want to stay married, but not having sex is killing me. Either we together figure this out by doing counseling or sex counseling, get you to a Dr to figure out why you don't like sex or don't feel like having sex, or we have to decide to either have an open marriage or divorce, as I can't go on like things are now." It really IS that simple.

 

But no, instead he goes and cheats.

 

And, how do you know, are you in his head? bolded part. If he didn't say anything, then you are projecting yourself and your situation into his.

[SidLyon]

...

 

This is just an excuse for a bunch of women posters who want to basically say "SEE??? IT'S PERFECTLY OK FOR A WOMAN TO STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER HUSBAND, IT DOESN'T CAUSE ANY MARITAL PROBLEMS, HOW DO WE KNOW THAT--BECAUSE THE OP SAID SO, AND WE ALWAYS TAKE WHATEVER AN OP SAYS, ESPECIALLY ONE WHO IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, AT FACE VALUE!!!!"

 

There's no need to shout like this. You've made your point. I'm a BW and I've lived this myself, so I know that sex within a marriage is important for many (if not nearly everybody). Lack of it can make a person feel unloved and uncared for and susceptible to looking elsewhere. As I've said I've lived this myself and it happened to me!

 

My opinion is it can't be fixed without honesty. I needed to know that it was such a serious issue for my H that he was tempted (and did) go elsewhere. He need to know that I felt "used" by him when we did do "it" and so started switching off. I'm unwilling to go into this in further detail. None of us know exactly what went on in the OP's marriage but given that the OP hasn't exactly been honest with is wife about this,it may well be that she hasn't either.

 

It can only be fixed with some honesty between them about this. Absent a d-day it seems to me that only the OP can start this very difficult conversation/communication.

[eleanorrigby]

Our sex life has declined rapidly due to my wife perusing her ambitions and a few fall-outs from this, we went through a rough time a few years ago but we stayed together, since then our sex life has been different, she is not interested and I feel I have to "arrange" an appointment with her for sex.

 

So what ambitions did she pursue that caused you two to fall out and stop having sex? Why did her ambitions become a problem in your marriage?

[whichwayisup]

So what ambitions did she pursue that caused you two to fall out and stop having sex? Why did her ambitions become a problem in your marriage?

 

This is an excellent question!

[Furious]

I have a great job and thus my wife does not need to work.

 

 

Perhaps he resents his wife's new career. He states she does not need to work.

[Mint Sauce]

That is what you get here. There are a lot of angry betrayed spouses that can't help but project thier anger on others. Just ignore it.

And there are those who strayed and saw the devastation they caused with the ones they loved. Those that would give anything to turn back the clock so they could open up to their wife instead of to some hot young chick.

[sweet_pea]

What ideas did OP not mention, that you believe he should have mentioned? He never mentioned any medical issues on the part of him or his wife, so there is no reason to assume there are any. He did mention that she unilaterally cut off sex with him and seems perfectly happy to live in a perpetually sexless marriage. She gave him no reason for it and she didn't ask for counseling to try to resolve it. That's because she doesn't see the lack of marital sex as a "problem"--on the contrary, it was her objective, which she achieved.

 

 

You can speculate about whatever you want but if it's not supported by something he's either said or that can be inferred from something he's said then it's pointless to discuss.

 

We CAN infer that his wife may have cheated on him because cheating among married women in middle age is entirely consistent with suddenly and inexplicably cutting off marital sex and affection, in the absence of ANY evidence for ANY other explanation of why she would do this.

 

We CAN also infer that what he's telling us isn't the entire truth.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes I do think that this OP would admit if he mistreated her precisely because he cites himself as "ashamed" about his affair and conflicted over it.

 

 

 

 

It seems you want to do everything except acknowledge what the OP HAS told us, which is that his wife stopped having sexual relations with him three years ago and the OW reawakened his sexuality which he thought was long gone. That's why he had the affair, it makes perfect sense, it's not unheard of for this to happen, and the only real question isn't about why the OP did what he did--that much is obvious--the question is why his wife stopped having sex with him three years ago. An affair by her is consistent with her behavior as described by the OP.

 

No, I have acknowledge that his wife stopped having sexual relations with him. In fact, I've noted that numerous times.

 

 

 

You're cherry picking. First you state that what the OP says is not to be believed at face value--he may actually be an abusive spouse and lying about that. But now you turn around and cherry pick something which is obvious why he initially said that. Because of the reaction he knew he would get if he came out and said not having sex for three years made him lonely and horny and when he finally met someone like the OW who seemed to really dig him and was willing to have sex with him he couldn't resist and gave in to that.

 

Of course he wouldn't own up to that, he has been completely lambasted to even contemplate an affair "just because" his WIFE refused to have sex within for THREE YEARS or EVER AGAIN. Why, no, married men shouldn't expect to have sex, and if they don't it's their fault, it's their obligation to pry the reason out of their wives, it's their obligation to get their wife into counseling....

 

I'm not cherry picking. Do you know why I believe that he was "ok" with not having sex for 3 years and not everything else? He didn't have an affair for 3 years, so clearly, he was ok enough in his situation to go without sex.

 

Duck, you really have a knack for speaking for the OP and his wife. Ever again? Really? Of course, you'd know that.

 

Yes, it is. OP is a grown man. If he has an issue with something, he should speak up. If he hasn't done anything about said issue, why would his wife? She can't read his mind.

 

He obviously wasn't OK with not having sex. That's why he's having an affair.

 

Well, he went 3 years without sex or cheating....

 

 

What's to discuss? She doesn't want to have sex with him and made that very clear over a long period of time. Are you suggesting he is obligated to talk her into doing something she obviously doesn't want to do?

 

He is obligated to talk to her about their problems, not go outside of his marriage. If he had such an issue, he should have taken initiative, not his wife. Why would she? He didn't do anything for 3 years, so why would she believe otherwise?

 

How would that work, exactly, especially since you don't think marital sex is even a reasonable default expectation for a husband to have in the first place?

 

Actually, Duck, I do not think that way. In fact, I enjoyed sex/intimacy more than my ex. Thank you for putting words into my mouth, though.

[nofool4u]

I think he stated what his direction was before anyone, much less you or anyone else, "steered" him in any direction. Nice attempt to take credit though.

 

Has nothing to do with taking credit. It simply shows those like minded as me are contributing more than someone telling him to milk the affair for all he can get. Hence negating your comment of who you think is contributing more to the discussion.

[nofool4u]

This is not always true. Since having a hysterectomy, I have ZERO libido, and ZERO need for sex.

 

My point exactly, and we aren't getting any answers from OP if she has had one or went through menopause yet. Because that could help bring things to light, and there is a solution.

 

But because you had a hysterectomy, I guess based on the cheating mindset here that you don't deserve fidelity.

 

I don't know. And it sounds like the OP doesn't even know!

 

Well I've been trying to get it out of him, and its been a futile endeavor. Something tells me there is a reason he doesn't want to answer the questions and it isn't all just about her cutting him off from sex simply because she wants to. There is an answer out there and so far it seems he doesn't want to tell us.

[sweet_pea]

Duck, I think you should calm down. You're taking other people's opinions a little too personally.

 

OP said he was "OK" with not having sex for 3 years. Why do I believe him? He went 3 years without having an affair or speaking up. It only became a big issue when he began his affair. Makes sense to me.

 

Bottom line, if he had an issue with the lack of intimacy, yes, as a grown man, he should have taken initiative to talk to his wife about it instead of going outside of his marriage. His wife is not a psychic, she can't read his mind. I'm sure that because they'd gone so long without sex or him speaking up about it, she figured there were no issues.

 

Maybe his wife is having an affair, maybe she's not attracted to him, maybe she has a medical problem, maybe this or that. We don't know. All that we do know is what OP is telling us.

 

BTW, I have said repeatedly that her lack of intimacy was an issue. I'm not excusing it, and maybe if you'd open your eyes a little instead of getting so upset, you'd see it. I don't think it's right to withhold sex, but I also don't think cheating is the answer.

 

PS. Remember, you don't know OP or his wife (neither do I), so let's not put words into their mouthes (more so in regards to his wife, since you've done that quite a bit).

Edited December 13, 2012 by sweet_pea

[pteromom]

It's the responsibility of the person who is unhappy to speak up about their unhappiness so that the problem can be solved.

 

Yes, in a perfect world, it would be wonderful if we could all anticipate that something we are doing or not doing will cause our spouse pain so we can solve it ourselves, but it doesn't usually work that way.

 

The truth is if you don't want sex, you don't miss it, so you aren't aware of the extent of the problem. You may know that your husband wishes he had more sex, but if he's going about life acting like everything is a-ok, why fix a problem that you don't see? And in this case, the OP says he was OK with his sexless life until he met the OW. So he thought there wasn't a problem. His wife thought there wasn't a problem (assuming here since we don't have her side of things). So the problem was never addressed and solved.

 

Asking for what you want isn't groveling. It's called communication.

[elcklan]

No.

 

He's having an affair because he values the crazy sex and emotions he's having with OW more than he values his vows or his family.

 

Yes - lack of sex contributed to him being open to the affair, but it's one's own integrity that makes the final decision.

 

I'm not saying lack of sex isn't an issue. But the correct course of action would be for him to work with his wife to find out why she refuses sex, and what they can do to fix it together. And if she wasn't open to fixing it, he would need to decide whether to leave the marriage. But going outside the marriage isn't the answer. It solves NOTHING. It just creates a big mess where three people get hurt (or four in this case - keep forgetting about OW's poor husband) instead of the two who would be hurt with an honest divorce.

Ha, can't the wife give crazy sex and bring emotions? What is wrong with her? She has been a refuser for 3 years using that man as a meal ticket and he needs to bend backwards? What has she done to fix the marriage? Nothing. Because she doesn't care, it is good for her the way it is. But if he let her know he has a young pretty woman and is waiving goodbye, oh she would be her knees.. promising to do everything. And then back to refusing him.

[Realist3]

Has nothing to do with taking credit. It simply shows those like minded as me are contributing more than someone telling him to milk the affair for all he can get. Hence negating your comment of who you think is contributing more to the discussion.

 

You might want to take a look back and see whom he was conversing with. It wasn't all of the haters.

[pteromom]

Ha, can't the wife give crazy sex and bring emotions? What is wrong with her? She has been a refuser for 3 years using that man as a meal ticket and he needs to bend backwards? What has she done to fix the marriage? Nothing. Because she doesn't care, it is good for her the way it is. But if he let her know he has a young pretty woman and is waiving goodbye, oh she would be her knees.. promising to do everything. And then back to refusing him.

 

Communicating with your spouse isn't bending backward. I don't understand this hesitation to communicate.

 

And as is common around here, you are assigning your own issues to this thread. You don't know the OP's wife. You don't know their history. You don't know what she has or hasn't done to fix the marriage.

 

You could be right - she could be using him as a meal ticket and laughing behind his back about not giving him sex. I don't know the OP's wife either.

[Realist3]

Secondly, you are focusing on one statement I made which was partially in jest.

[elcklan]

Communicating with your spouse isn't bending backward. I don't understand this hesitation to communicate.

 

And as is common around here, you are assigning your own issues to this thread. You don't know the OP's wife. You don't know their history. You don't know what she has or hasn't done to fix the marriage.

 

You could be right - she could be using him as a meal ticket and laughing behind his back about not giving him sex. I don't know the OP's wife either.

No, I think she cries every night trying to figure out how to fix her marriage.

[pteromom]

No, I think she cries every night trying to figure out how to fix her marriage.

 

That could be very possible.

[sweet_pea]

Duck, honestly, calm down. Clearly, you are taking it personally by the way you have replied to anyone who disagrees with you (all-caps, putting words into my mouth, saying I "don't think marital sex is even a reasonable default expectation for a husband to have in the first place," etc.)

 

OP said he was ok with not having sex; he stopped trying. I don't know what you're trying to pull from that. That's what he said, and clearly, he went three years without sex.

 

"Because as we all can agree, men don't need to have sex with their wives." I did not say he didn't need sex in the first place or any other thing you're trying to shove in my mouth. Once again, please show me where I've said this or anything like it. I have repeatedly stated that her withholding sex was wrong, and that if there were to be any improvements intimacy wise, they'd have to communicate about the whys, etc.

 

Yes, he said he was OK with it. I am saying, if he was not, he should have stood up for himself and initiated conversation/a resolution. There really isn't anything to argue about.

 

He repeatedly told her, yes. She refused, yes. He stopped telling her and settled, yes? Ok, so now what? If he just went along with it, stopped having sex with her, what kind of message is that sending to her?

 

Like many have already said, even if his wife did not perceive any issues, he could still speak up. That's the point. You make it known that you dislike something, whether or not your spouse knows about it. You let them know that you don't like something. OP did that a few times, then stopped. Alright.

 

Duck, really, no need to calm me disingenuous, or any other name for that matter. I have not called you anything and it's rude. Like I said, maybe... maybe... maybe. Unless you are his wife, you will never know the reasons why.

 

Actually, a few sentences ago it was an issue, a few pages ago it was as well. She isn't having sex, and that is an issue within their marriage for OP, now. I did not say it was an issue FOR her, I said it was in issue for their relationship. Please, stop putting words into my mouth and speaking for me. I don't believe that a "parent-child" relationship is good in this case, and that the wife should be taken care of. She can speak up, but she hasn't. Why? She doesn't see her lack of being intimate w. OP as an issue. Please, re-read what I wrote.

 

PLEASE, pretty please tell me exactly where I said that OP's wife denying him sex is absolutely OK. I would love to see that, so I can admit my mistake. I have never said anything of the sort. I have continually said that it isn't right for her to deny OP sex, and that they need to resolve the issue. As for him repeatedly making it known, once again, OP let his wife know so many times before he stopped, right?

 

LOL, but now we bring in being a feminist. Darling, you need to take a big ole chill pill. You clearly are projecting your issues with your past relationship on me and everyone else that doesn't exactly agree with you (I peeped at your threads...yeah)

 

 

PS. The wife DID have sex with OP up until 3 years ago. Let's not try to, once again, and I know this is tough for you, put words into their mouthes or act like we know everything about the situation.

 

What more do I need to know? Well, I'd like to know his wife's side of the story (given I won't) but since I can't, I'm trying to be objective about the situation.

 

 

Duck, there is probably no point in replying to me. You clearly refuse to even try to see the situation from anyone else's eyes. If you don't agree with me, that is A-OK, but there is no need to get nasty the way you have. At least Realist has been pretty polite.

 

Have a nice evening!

[Decorative]

We don't know that the OP's wife hasn't explained. We don't even know the answer to what her career had to do with it.

 

 

It would probably be wise to stop guessing.