I love my wife and my "mistress"

[frozensprouts]

This isn't really fair to the OP as it casts unnecessary aspersions on his motives.

 

I regard OP as just like two long time posters, giotto & James, who evidently are in low-sex marriages and possibly contemplated having affairs but didn't take that next step. OP is just like giotto or James if they had taken the next step.

 

This harsh criticism of OP is unwarranted and rather ridiculous. If you want to believe he is lying that his wife is uninterested in sex with him, then just come out and say that. I don't think he's lying because there are so many similar stories about women in mid life who simply lose interest in marital sex. Then the huband is left high and dry.

 

At what point are the shrill critics going to acknowledge that yes it's a woman's choice to decide she doesn't want sex with her husband any longer, but that choice may have consequences?

 

 

this is what you aren't getting...

 

I'm not arguing the point of whether or not she was having sex with him, but rather the point that , by his own admission, that didn't matter to him very much ( he himself says he thought that was okay)...

 

the he meets this other woman, finds out she was interested in him, and bango! It's off to the races! ( sorry to sound flippant)...

 

why was her seeming lack of sex drive not an issue for him until he met this other woman? did he tell his wife he wasn't happy/ did he even know he was unhappy? how is it fair to expect her to know something he doesn't even know himself?

 

This is where the long time posters that you refer to differ...they have talked to their wives about their feelings, they say they have a problem, and that their wives know about it. They aren't expecting their wives to somehow read their minds...they are having those difficult conversations and trying to face the issue...it doesn't sound like the OP ever did that

 

It would be like if a husband spent all his time playing video games, and his wife was okay with it...she never told him she didn't like it; or if she did he briefly made a change but soon reverted back to his old behavior and she says nothing. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is unhappy...she just figures "that's marriage" and goes about her life

 

Then she meets mr.x and he flirts with her and gives her the attention she feels she hasn't been getting form her husband, and she likes that. the flirting leads to long talks, and then before they know it, then a kiss, and they are sleeping with each other.

 

Was her husband somehow responsible for her behavior? should he have been able to read her mind and know that she was unhappy when she wasn't even really aware of that herself? does her hindsight into her feelings make her cheating okay? if she never told him there was a problem, is he responsible for her actions? this applies to any area of a marriage, not just sex or intimacy...no one can read someone else's mind...

 

people in a marriage have a responsibility to each other to communicate and talk, and, even if it's a really hard conversation to have, to let their spouse know when they are unhappy...did the OP do that?

[yessy21]

My wife was my first love.

I dont want to leave my wife but i also cant bear the thought of losing my girl. She has told me when we finish she doesnt want any contact with me ever again, this kills me. She's so beautiful and i cant ever imagine never seeing her look at me again the way she does.

 

 

We have only 4 soul mates in our lifetime. as a new phase in life changes so does your soul mate.

Im pretty sure your wife doesnt have sex with you because she just got comftorable or isnt that into you anymore.

 

Before you make any drastic decisions... i want you to take a mini vacation or a day with your wife. make the best out of that day. make it romantic.

make it fun. If you still want to go have sex with the other woman at the end of the day... or even have her smile at you, then i suggest you sit down talk to your wife and tell her that you have ultimatley fallen in love with someone.

[JamesM]

Why should "they" get help for "her" refusal to have sex? Why is "his" cheating only "his" responsibility but "her" lack of interest in sex is "their" responsibility?

 

So "he" is responsible to ensure "she" gets medical attention, yet we are each individually responsible for our own choices and decisions?

 

I'm not sure I get it yet.

 

Having been here, I would agree.

 

We love to make the affair his problem, but the lack of sex "their" problem. Yet SHE chose to have less sex, and maybe this contributed to HIS choice of having an affair.

 

In both cases, THEY have a problem that THEY must solve

 

OR

 

Each has a problem that must be solved if the marriage is to be saved.

[Snowflower]

 

 

I dont understand why there is such hatered for ow on here i am to blame i will go on and live happily with my wife while her world falls apart around her and she will not have me to lean on - this is what scares me that she will have nothing at the end of this, i can go back, she cant. Yes she knew what she was doing when she entered this affair but i took advantage of her, I just hope one day she can forgive me. I will always love her and i thank her for opening my eyes about things which i am not happy about but have idly let lie for years.

 

I will end this affair its the only option I will not walk out of my marriage or my family but i can let my girl go and hope she finds someone worthy of her because i am not.

 

Life is difficult enough these days without all this added drama and angst. Quit being a martyr, please!

 

You love your OW that much is clear. You have defended her here over and over against those bitter BS. She is a special, beautiful person...so go get her! Life is short and again, martyrdom is really unattractive.

 

There really is a simple solution to this dilemma you have made and that is to divorce your wife immediately but do it as kindly as possible. Since you sound like a nice guy, and you do still care for your wife, you can do this in a thoughtful way.

 

The most difficult will be telling your wife that you want the divorce. You're right, don't tell her about the OW but just tell her you no longer love her the way a husband should and that you no longer want to be married to her. This will be the hardest part because most likely your wife will cry, beg and plead and will be devastated. Stay strong and remember that you do not want to leave your OW alone and remember your OW's pain if you were to go back to your marriage.

 

This is really the best way; you don't have to tell your wife or try to work things out with her as you mention below and you don't have to hurt your OW, who is the one you truly love.

 

My wife and I will need to sit down and discuss our future and what we want from each other before we can move on, our current situation is not acceptable for either of us, we have become accustomed to a set routine which needs changing. We will both have to work on this.

 

Your children will recover; they are not the first children whose parents have divorced and they won't be the last. Get them in to some good counseling and spend as much time as you can with them.

 

This isn't the 1950s...no one has to stay married!

 

Good luck to you and I wish you all the happiness in the world with your new love.

[William]

Thanks to posters for recognizing and recovering from off-topic excursions. This topic remains at Stage Two so let's keep it focused on the thread starter's issue and keep it civil.

[nofool4u]

I didn't say anything remotely approaching what you just attributed to me. Someone else suggested that 1x/week might be an adequate amount of marital sex. I responded by saying it was pushing the boundaries of an "adequate" amount of marital sex.

 

Yes, and since you view having less than an adequate amount of sex is "cause" for the other spouse to cheat, yes, you did say it, no remotely about it.

 

So either having a less than adequate amount of sex is or isn't a "cause" for someone to cheat, which you already said it is, and you did say that sex once a week was pushing it.

 

 

OP said nothing about any such medical issues, but even if there are medical issues, it's up to her to prioritize them to and fix things.

 

Oh, its up to her? No help from her husband? Support? Fix it or be cheated on, eh?

 

And you do realize that most women naturally see a reduction in libido, especially after a hysterectomy. We don't know if this was the case with that person's wife or not, but we do know what he said, which is she apparently has a reduced, or no libido. She can get help with it, but its not just "on her". He is her husband. He can support her and get help.

 

Now if she refuses to get help for a reduced libido, then he has a choice to make, and no, its not to cheat.

 

 

Is she helpless? "A child"? Not responsible for maintaining her own sexuality?

 

She is, but he is her husband. He is suppose to support her and be there the help her.

 

We are not talking in terms of "rights." We are talking in terms of "causes." If a man is impotent and that cannot be fixed, or he doesn't take steps to fix it, it would be unrealistic for the man to expect she will live the rest of her life without having a sexual relationship.

 

Then the wife in that situation can talk to him about it and give him the choice if he wants to set her free, or allow her to have sex with other men.

 

 

How could it not be a "cause"? She didn't cheat except for the fact that he was impotent and cheating was the only way she could satisfy a need for PIV sex.

 

Uh no, it is not the ONLY way. Dissolving the marriage so she can get her sex without cheating is another.

[nofool4u]

Ok, so back on topic.

 

Shame, you say you will end the affair and "work" on things with your wife.

 

Seeing as you already took a jab at her and said you will go back to your wife and see what "excuses" she will have from week to week, that doesn't sound like working on anything. That sounds like expecting her to change, without any effort on your part.

 

If she has a reduced libido, talk to her about getting help. See a doctor.

 

But honestly, I don't think that you will be satisfied. Your wife isn't a 30 year old vixen. Your wife can't be someone different for you every other year. Even if your wife started having sex with you, I don't think it sex from her that you will want. You will always be wanting sex with young women, and your wife will only get older.

[shame_on_me]

I think some people are becoming carried away here, I have never once mentioned that i blame my wife for my cheating, that alone is my fault and i take full responsibility for it, not her. Yes sex was almost non existent but I was ok with this i still love her regardless. Honestly if it had been any other woman than the one it is i would not of looked twice at them, this woman has been the only other woman apart from my wife i have been sexually attracted to, thus being a shock when she confirmed she felt the same.

[frozensprouts]

DuckSoup,

 

so he gives her every reason to believe that he is okay with their lack of sex ( heck, even he says so, and if he wasn't afraid to extoll the virtues of his other woman to a forum of betrayed wives then I'd hardly think he'd be afraid of saying anything...this is why I think that he was telling the truth about that...he'd likely have gotten more sympathy had he said "I tried to talk to her again and again about it, but nothing changed")...

 

so he, by his own admission, was okay with it, and it wasn't really an issue until he met the other woman. Even if I accept that as a "reason" for his cheating ( which I don't), he still had the opportunity to realize what was going on and put stop to it, come home to his wife, sit her down, and have a very frank discussion with her about his feelings...he made the decision not to do that...

 

you always say that a wife should be responsible for her sexuality with her husband...fair enough, and i do agree...but if that's good for her, then it's also good for him. he was not responsible for his sexuality, and you're now trying to blame her

 

Really, what you are saying is that he was lying to her about how he felt, but she should have been able to read his mind and know he was lying?

[frozensprouts]

I think some people are becoming carried away here, I have never once mentioned that i blame my wife for my cheating, that alone is my fault and i take full responsibility for it, not her. Yes sex was almost non existent but I was ok with this i still love her regardless. Honestly if it had been any other woman than the one it is i would not of looked twice at them, this woman has been the only other woman apart from my wife i have been sexually attracted to, thus being a shock when she confirmed she felt the same.

 

but if you love her you need to be honest with her...otherwise, how will you ever really find your way back to each other? No matter where you go or what you do, the affair will always be there, exerting an effect...

 

one more good reason for telling your wife about the affair ( and you probably won't believe me, but this next part really is the truth) is that if you're wife knows about it, and if she loves you enough, she may actually be someone you can lean on to help you through this...she may be able to give you strength and be there for you when you really need her

 

I may sound like a soft hearted ( and soft headed) romantic, but if a husband and wife love each other enough, and if they want it badly enough, they can get through anything together, even one of them having an affair...

[Snowflower]

I think some people are becoming carried away here, I have never once mentioned that i blame my wife for my cheating, that alone is my fault and i take full responsibility for it, not her.

 

I totally agree with you about some topics getting carried away here!

 

At this point, you know why the affair happened, so now what are you going to do about it? I already made my suggestion a few posts back. Just be as fair as possible.

[shame_on_me]

Regarding our sex life i must admit the first few times she said "not tonight, maybe tomorrow" or caused an argument before bedtime so i knew not even to try, I was hurt but i got used to it after 3 years and it became the norm. It is only now being with another woman that i realise how much i missed sex, i was almost impotent by then and struggled the first time with ow, this may be because of lack of sex before or some other factor. But i am fine now. My wife has never been a "cuddly" person and i thought i wasnt either, i guess i was wrong here as well. The sex with ow is completely different she looks at me, calls my name, tells me how good it is. My wife has never done this, AGAIN I AM NOT BLAMING MY WIFE. I am telling you how it is.

[frozensprouts]

Regarding our sex life i must admit the first few times she said "not tonight, maybe tomorrow" or caused an argument before bedtime so i knew not even to try, I was hurt but i got used to it after 3 years and it became the norm. It is only now being with another woman that i realise how much i missed sex, i was almost impotent by then and struggled the first time with ow, this may be because of lack of sex before or some other factor. But i am fine now. My wife has never been a "cuddly" person and i thought i wasnt either, i guess i was wrong here as well. The sex with ow is completely different she looks at me, calls my name, tells me how good it is. My wife has never done this, AGAIN I AM NOT BLAMING MY WIFE.

 

 

if you are able to find your way back to your wife, then you need to tell her what you want, even if it may be hard for her to hear...

[Sasu]

You sure seems to have enough conscience to know what you are doing and what amends you should be doing instead.I doubt any answers \people will make you change your mind or simplify the situation,making it easier to handle.

If anything "good" gonna happen..then it have to come from within yourself or you can always let the time flow ,ending up your marriage and regret later on .

[Cali408]

End it today! Be the man! And communicate with your wife, tell her what you want. It will be tough forgetting your mistress, believe me. But, don't feel sorry for her. She knew what she was getting into, and so did you. You had your fun, now get back to reality.

[shame_on_me]

if you are able to find your way back to your wife, then you need to tell her what you want, even if it may be hard for her to hear...

 

 

Yes frozen i intend to do this.

 

Other questions regarding how i intend to finish with ow, I will be honest with her which believe it or not i have been throughout this affair. I will ask her truthfully does she want to be with an old man ? Does she want my wife, her friends, family, townsfolk attacking her verbally wherever she goes ? I will tell her I love my wife and i do not want to leave her or my children for her. I will apologise for becoming emotionally involved with her. She knows deep down as well as i do that it cant work (she has said this numerous time but her heart tells her differently)

i will tell her i do not want her permanently and i will not take advantage of her anymore.

I will walk away from her and let her continue with her own life she will get over me.

[Realist3]

Give us an update after all of this goes down.

[shame_on_me]

Give us an update after all of this goes down.

 

 

Yes most likely from my hospital bed

[sweet_pea]

Yes frozen i intend to do this.

 

Other questions regarding how i intend to finish with ow, I will be honest with her which believe it or not i have been throughout this affair. I will ask her truthfully does she want to be with an old man ? Does she want my wife, her friends, family, townsfolk attacking her verbally wherever she goes ? I will tell her I love my wife and i do not want to leave her or my children for her. I will apologise for becoming emotionally involved with her. She knows deep down as well as i do that it cant work (she has said this numerous time but her heart tells her differently)

i will tell her i do not want her permanently and i will not take advantage of her anymore.

I will walk away from her and let her continue with her own life she will get over me.

 

Why ask her that? To me, and this is just my opinion, that is just opening the lines of communication up even more, especially if she answers yes.

 

So, if she does answer yes, that she wants to be with you, what will you do then? If she begs you, does the whole performance, what will you do? I doubt you'll be able to go cold turkey on her, especially since you intend on not telling your wife.

 

Another thing, even though you think you know your OW, like others have said, and it's happened time and time again, you don't. She may just reveal your relationship, when you decide (if you do) to leave her. Since you plan on keeping it a secret, what will you do?

 

I know honesty isn't something you want to do in this regard, but I'm telling you. Being honest helps your case more than hurts (on top of your affair). Imagine how you'd feel if you found out that your wife was having an affair, it ended and they had no intentions of telling you.

[Realist3]

Yes most likely from my hospital bed

 

Haha! I don't think it will be that bad. I'm going to guess your MOW is not going to let you go that easily.

[Realist3]

However it works out, I wish you the best, and of course no serious bodily injuries.

[shame_on_me]

Haha! I don't think it will be that bad. I'm going to guess your MOW is not going to let you go that easily.

 

 

No it wont be i think the hardest part will be walking away from her knowing how upset she will be and being unable to console her, if i do i wont let her go. She will not contact me tho she has proven this already when we attempted to finish last time.

 

What makes this time different ? I am besotted with her if i dont end it now i never will. I know this and can walk away.

[shame_on_me]

However it works out, I wish you the best, and of course no serious bodily injuries.

 

 

she has clipped my ear a few times when she thinks im being a smart-ass i just hope she doesnt use anything more solid than her hand lol

[woinlove]

As much as I would like to believe you, even you cannot trust yourself. It is easy to say this while the pain is fresh and the fear is dominant in your mind. However, as time goes on, the pain diminishes and you will remember the thrills you had and the excitement of the sex. You will remember this woman as the better sexual partner while you have less than exciting sex with your wife. You will remember her soft and sensuous body and her responsive movements. You will long for her and then you will begin to be dissatisfied with your unsuspecting wife. You will then plan for how you can have a secret life with either her or another thrilling partner. You will want to seek out someone who can give you that adrenaline rush.

 

My guess is that you will find it incredibly difficult to let go of this woman and will continue this affair. I truly hope you can continue the resolve you have within you and end it, but to overcome the feelings for her will be close to impossible. You could hope that she ends it...that would make it easier, but then the real concern is that you will do everything to keep her as she will seem more desirable.

 

You have tasted of the forbidden fruit. To now live a more stable and less thrilling life will take some strong discipline. It can be compared to being addicted to meth and then living without it.

 

Plan and prepare for how you will end this. Plan and prepare for how you will continue and grow your marriage. You cannot go into this blindly, or you will never see your way back out.

 

A life without this affair is not impossible, but it will take much strength and resolve. The question is...are you man enough to do it? Or rather, do you WANT it enough to make it happen?

 

Good luck..you WILL need it.

 

 

This is a great post.

 

Also, never underestimate how good it feels to be able to be honest with a lover about your weak side, i.e., the part of you that allows you to deceive your family. That can create an intimacy that you will never achieve in your M while continuing to hide the real you. It is not only the sex you will miss, it will be the feeling that someone actually knows the real you, that you will miss.

[sweet_pea]

This is a great post.

 

Also, never underestimate how good it feels to be able to be honest with a lover about your weak side, i.e., the part of you that allows you to deceive your family. That can create an intimacy that you will never achieve in your M while continuing to hide the real you. It is not only the sex you will miss, it will be the feeling that someone actually knows the real you, that you will miss.

 

He isn't going to listen to you or anyone else who doesn't support affairs, lying and deception. He's only seemed to interact/engage and receive advice from Realist (who is an unapologetic, selfish WS), mostly.

 

I wish your wife the best of luck, OP. I hope she'll be able to see through your "I'm a good husband" facade and can make a decision that will best benefit herself. You and OW seem perfect for each other, and I hate to be rude, but any fallout that happens to you is well deserved.

 

If it's any indication in OP's posts, he is only concerned with his OW and says he won't be telling the truth anytime soon, so oh well.