I love my wife and my "mistress"

[BetheButterfly]

I am new here and I have been reading lots of stories on here lately, I shall give you mines.

 

I am a 49 yeard old happily married man for 28 years, we have had our ups and downs like most but for the most part our relationship has been happy and healthy. We have 2 children aged 16 and 6. I have a great job and thus my wife does not need to work. A few years ago our sex life declined rapidly and we are lucky if we have had sex a dozen times in the last 3 years, i thought i was ok with this. My wife was my first love.

 

My problem is i met this woman last year she is 30 and she has blown me away, we were drunk one night and we kissed, we had always been attracted to each other and i have always thought she was a beautiful woman, way out my league, turns out she thought the same. At first it was about the sex i told her upfront and she was happy with this arrangement. The sex is mindblowing and the most adventurous I have ever had. She is also married but she is unhappy in her marriage and has not had sex with him since the birth of their child 2 years ago, i do not dispute this. We agreed we would stop in June this year 6 months after we started, but i guess we couldnt because its now december but i have told her it finishes in Feb and i will stick to this - we text continuously, and meet up a few times a week (we live in the same neighbourhood) for a chat and a kiss and sometimes sex but for the most we keep that to the hotels. She is an amazing and a very interesting woman and unfortunately i have fallen in love with her. I love my wife too but in a different way, my mistress is full of passion and love for me, she's interested in everything i do, she's always full of compliments and appreciates me, this sounds really bad typing this out i know but thats how it is. I have to end this affair before people get hurt but i cant let her go i will break her heart not mentioning my wifes heart and our family. I dont want to leave my wife but i also cant bear the thought of losing my girl. She has told me when we finish she doesnt want any contact with me ever again, this kills me. She's so beautiful and i cant ever imagine never seeing her look at me again the way she does.

 

Sorry if this is abit erratic but i have tried to add as much as i can, im not even sure why i am on here asking for help.

 

I am sorry but I very much doubt that you love your wife truly.

 

Now, if y'all had an open marriage where she knew and was happy about you sleeping with another woman, and you said/wrote, "I love my wife..." then I would believe you. However, you know it would kill your wife and your marriage if she knew you were having sex with another lady. To me, knowing that you are hurting a person even though that person doesn't know you are hurting them is not love. Love doesn't hurt the person one loves. A person who loves cares more about the beloved than oneself.

 

So, I think that telling yourself you love your wife while deliberately hurting her is contradictory. It's like if you say "I love you" while you are sticking a knife into a person. It's very contradictory, you know.

 

If you truly loved your wife, you would tell her what you are doing so that she can make an informed decision about if she wants to stay with you (who knows? Maybe since she is not interested in sex anymore, she might be fine with you having a mistress who is married to some other guy?).

 

Actually, if you truly loved your wife, you would not have cheated in the first place. Love doesn't cheat. Love asks "can I?" instead of going behind someone's back and doing what one believes hurts the beloved.

Love isn't a liar or a cheater. Love tells the truth and cares more for the other person than oneself.

Love is action, not just a word or a feeling.

[Decorative]

I recognize , Realist, that pointing out that having a woman as a mistress is denigrating her upsets you, because you realize that is what you have done to your MOW.

 

But it doesn't make me bitter to point that out.

 

It's the truth. You do not care enough about her to give her the respect of a relationship that doesn't make her a liar, no matter what you say. And you think you care more about your wife, because you stay married to her.

 

Actions are the loudest things we do in our lives.

 

Men and women who engage in affairs are saying something quite clear about what they think about the affair partner- if they continue the affair.

[Realist3]

I recognize , Realist, that pointing out that having a woman as a mistress is denigrating her upsets you, because you realize that is what you have done to your MOW.

 

But it doesn't make me bitter to point that out.

 

It's the truth. You do not care enough about her to give her the respect of a relationship that doesn't make her a liar, no matter what you say. And you think you care more about your wife, because you stay married to her.

 

Actions are the loudest things we do in our lives.

 

Men and women who engage in affairs are saying something quite clear about what they think about the affair partner- if they continue the affair.

 

 

What makes you bitter is hoping for a stated outcome when you don't know either of the participants.

[Decorative]

Realist -

 

Thank you for the giggle.

 

I know you were serious in your reply, but it made me laugh.

 

I hope someday you find a path back to a way of life that does not endorse deception, and I hope you see the mental gymnastics you have displayed on here for what they are.

 

If you have reached a place where another poster's desire for truth makes them seem bitter to you, I have to admit, it's got to be a strange place to reside.

 

I hope you find peace someday, and a way to reconcile your worlds, and that everyone in your life gets treated with respect. I wish the same for the OP. A life filled with subterfuge, in the long run, cannot be sustained.

[shame_on_me]

I wonder why most posters on here "forgave" their wayward spouses if what they are saying to me is their real thoughts on betrayal, why would you forgive him/her if this is how you truly feel ?

 

Just a thought

[sweet_pea]

Like I said, I doubt he'll end it.

 

He doesn't love his wife the way he claims to.

 

He doesn't seem to care about his wife in this situation, only of the OW.

 

Without coming clean/exposure, the entire marriage will still be a lie, and he'll most likely go back to his OW the first minute something doesn't go his way.

 

Maybe, just maybe if he put the energy he puts into his OW towards his wife, there wouldn't be intimacy issues. I'm sure she's not intimate with you for a reason.

 

I feel so badly for his wife. That woman deserves a whole lot more than how her husband is treating her. I hope she finds out and kicks your butt to the curb. Maybe then you'll get the wake-up call?

 

Also, the BS' took back their WS' because the WS' either confessed or were exposed, went NC and showed true remorse/guilt and worked towards rebuilding their relationship, something OP clearly isn't (and probably won't) doing.

[nofool4u]

I would say ride for all it's worth.

 

Disgusting. Why do people even get married or counsel people who are married with this mindset?

[Spark1111]

I wonder why most posters on here "forgave" their wayward spouses if what they are saying to me is their real thoughts on betrayal, why would you forgive him/her if this is how you truly feel ?

 

Just a thought

 

Because we really loved them? They begged their way back? We're truly remorseful and ashamed of what they had done? we went to both IC and MC and still apologizes? His children, friends and family were shocked at how breathlessly selfish he had been and, combined with his spouse, just wanted to know why he was not honest with his spouse about his feelings for another and separate?

 

This would have at least been honest and spared his family the humiliation of admiring a man who could lie to them every day?

 

Those not posting on LS probably moved quickly to divorce, got half the assets, and now the xspouse's new boyfriend is establishing a relationship with those same children.

 

but hey, is she is young and beautiful and very sexual, it must be worth that scenario, right?

[nofool4u]

I am ending things with my mistress why would I tell my wife ? That does not make sense

 

Maybe because cheating and lying have no place in a marriage. You simply want to get away with it.

 

 

The affair will be over why hurt my wife so ?

 

Because this won't be the last time. And she deserves better than someone that has betrayed her in this way and will always desire sex with younger women.

[elcklan]

I wonder why most posters on here "forgave" their wayward spouses if what they are saying to me is their real thoughts on betrayal, why would you forgive him/her if this is how you truly feel ?

 

Just a thought

Because it is always like this. Just break the news that you have someone else and you are leaving, and they will do everything they can to stop you. Women are territorial.

[Realist3]

Disgusting. Why do people even get married or counsel people who are married with this mindset?

 

I wasn't telling him anything he had not already done.

[nofool4u]

I can feel alot of bitterness on this thread and for that I apologise if sharing my story had upset a few of you, I am just telling you how it is with me and what i am feeling.

 

I dont understand why there is such hatered for ow on here i am to blame

 

True, you bear almost all the responsibility in what you are doing to your wife. ..almost.

 

The hatred for the OW/OM is justified and stems from not liking people that don't give a crap who they are helping to hurt...as long as they get "theirs".

 

 

i will go on and live happily with my wife

 

No you won't. She isn't 30 anymore. She also isn't "new" to you.

 

 

while her world falls apart around her and she will not have me to lean on

 

If you are talking about your OW here, even if that were true, tough. Consider it consequences for helping you betray your wife.

 

But her world won't fall apart. She is young, 30. She will find many men to be with. She will bounce back just fine when she finds someone else, lets just hope he is single.

 

 

this is what scares me that she will have nothing at the end of this, i can go back, she cant.

 

Really? You think you are "it" for her? You think there isn't anyone else out there for her?

 

Sorry....there is.

 

 

Yes she knew what she was doing when she entered this affair but i took advantage of her, I just hope one day she can forgive me. I will always love her

 

Boom! Right there. This is why you will never be happy with your wife and why your wife deserves better. She deserves a husband that isn't in love with another woman and pines for her.

 

But I'm guessing you don't care about that.

[nofool4u]

I wasn't telling him anything he had not already done.

 

Nice try. Unlike your wife, his wife hasn't agreed to an open marriage so far as we can tell.

[JamesM]

I would like to address this post.

 

 

Let me tell you a little story....take it anyway that you will.

 

 

But the key...it was my decision. And no one has the right to remove that from anyone.

 

This story of yours hit me. I felt your pain and confusion. I felt your anger and hurt.

 

Any person considering an affair or in an affair ought to read this. It should make them stop and think.

[shame_on_me]

I have never strayed from my marriage before and I have no intention of doing so again, I will work on our marriage single-handedly if need be to get it back to where it was years ago. I know i will never stray again the guilt is too much to bear, also falling in love with someone you know you can never have is unbearable and clouds your judgement on things you thought were pretty straighforward before. Trust me i will never stray again. I love my wife im just so sorry it wasnt enough the last year but i aim to fix this, fix us and continue.

[freestyle]

 

Honestly, your lover is not road tested in your real life. If she were promoted from mistress to the role of your wife, she would not have the luxury of dedicating 100% attention to you.

 

 

This bears being pointed out, and repeated.

 

The truth is, you don't really know each other---until you've been around each other with all of the real pressures of day to day living as a couple.

 

Loving how someone makes you feel---is NOT love.

It's getting a high from external validation from someone who's only witnessed you putting your best foot forward, and having your game face on.

 

(and vice versa--You're only seeing HER in the fantasy-based affair world, where she's got her game face on)

 

While you both ignore the blatant, glaring fact that you're both capable of extreme selfishness, & deception......And willing to cause a lot of collateral damage to innocent hearts...

 

and for what? Your 'ya-ya's"

 

Wow.

[shame_on_me]

I do not want to cheat on my wife again and i am terrified by your words that i may, how do i prevent this ? I cannot go to counciling without my wife becoming suspicious and where i live it would most likely be an hour or more drive there each way. I do love her i do want to stay with her I want to grow old with her and watch our children get married and have granchildren, I only want this with her. But of course you are right the sex and the emotional comfort my girl gives me is highly addictive and i crave it, i have done sexual acts with her that i never could imagine i would do (my wife is not adventurous in anyway) i thought i was ok with this ... until i met ow.

[carhill]

OP, you said you were going to end the affair by Saturday. Describe to us your plan for doing that. Be specific. Verbalize it, step by step.

 

I'll give an example. When I ended my association with a MW many years ago, I invited her to my home for lunch as it had recently been her birthday. We had lunch and talked about things. After solidifying my feelings regarding the dynamic ending from what I heard, I told her, straight-away, that 'I have to say goodbye to you. I can't allow this to continue with you lying to your husband'. We said our goodbyes and that was that.

 

What's your plan?

[JamesM]

I know i will never stray again the guilt is too much to bear....Trust me i will never stray again.

 

As much as I would like to believe you, even you cannot trust yourself. It is easy to say this while the pain is fresh and the fear is dominant in your mind. However, as time goes on, the pain diminishes and you will remember the thrills you had and the excitement of the sex. You will remember this woman as the better sexual partner while you have less than exciting sex with your wife. You will remember her soft and sensuous body and her responsive movements. You will long for her and then you will begin to be dissatisfied with your unsuspecting wife. You will then plan for how you can have a secret life with either her or another thrilling partner. You will want to seek out someone who can give you that adrenaline rush.

 

My guess is that you will find it incredibly difficult to let go of this woman and will continue this affair. I truly hope you can continue the resolve you have within you and end it, but to overcome the feelings for her will be close to impossible. You could hope that she ends it...that would make it easier, but then the real concern is that you will do everything to keep her as she will seem more desirable.

 

You have tasted of the forbidden fruit. To now live a more stable and less thrilling life will take some strong discipline. It can be compared to being addicted to meth and then living without it.

 

Plan and prepare for how you will end this. Plan and prepare for how you will continue and grow your marriage. You cannot go into this blindly, or you will never see your way back out.

 

A life without this affair is not impossible, but it will take much strength and resolve. The question is...are you man enough to do it? Or rather, do you WANT it enough to make it happen?

 

Good luck..you WILL need it.

[frozensprouts]

I wonder why most posters on here "forgave" their wayward spouses if what they are saying to me is their real thoughts on betrayal, why would you forgive him/her if this is how you truly feel ?

 

Just a thought

 

I forgave my husband because he actually wanted to try and make things better. He actually felt bad, he cared enough to be honest with me, he was willing to do the work of repairing our marriage with me, and not leave me to do it on my own.

 

What it basically boiled down to was him saying " yes, I screwed up in a huge way, but what can I do, and what can we do, as team, to make things better, and how can I learn to make the same bad decision again"...

 

sorry, but that doesn't sound like you at all....

 

to be honest, i have yet to see where you take any responsibility ( beyond lip service) for your actions and the state of your marriage...

 

instead I see:

(a) you trying to find any and every excuse that you can to make your actions sound like little more than the somehow "cute" mistakes of a naughty boy who pulled a fast one on his "mommy"

 

(b) you sure are making every excuse for the actions of your other woman, and you've built her up to such a degree that there is no way your wife can ever compare or compete...to be brutally honest, your other woman is just as much of a cheat as yo are...she has a husband at home and she's having sex with another man behind his back. You say she's going to divorce him? When? How long has she been saying this for? This is one of the standard lines so often told to an affair partner- just look at the other man/woman section to see how often it gets bandied about with little to no truth behind it. Does this sound like the actions of an "honest " person to you?

 

© you literally have absolutely zero concept of what you are doing to your wife...again, you pay lip service to it, but every day you are making the conscious choice to, in effect, punish her for what you perceive to be her inadequacies and failings. You are treating this woman who you say that you love like cr@p, and you somehow rationalize that by saying "but I give her everything"....really, what are you giving her?

 

(d) the whole " sex issue" seems like a smoke screen that you have put up to rationalize and justify your behavior. You say yourself that you thought things were okay between you and your wife, then you met this other woman. Seems to me that your "lack of sex' had zero to do with the reason you started the affair, unless you started the affair with the intent of just getting sex...is that what it was?

 

(e) You seem very quick to point out all your wife's failings, but i wonder what your wife would have to say about you, were we to ask. What would her side of the story be? What sort of a husband were you to her? ( remember, your perception in that area doesn't matter...it's how she perceives you that does)

 

I suppose you may well just write off what I, and others who think you're acting really badly, have to say as coming form a place of bitterness or projection, but it's not. We have been where your wife is, and we know what it can feel like. Believe it or not, we all actually want the best for the both of you, but to be honest, it seems like you more want a slap on the back or a high five for what you've done, and a few here seem to be willing to do that.

if all you are looking for is someone who has been where you are to validate your feelings, then that's fine.

 

But i will remind you of this....the people who think taht what you are doing is acceptable may well ahve never been 'on the other side', so they may well have no idea what you are putting your wife through...right now, you are treating everyone else like Cassandra...we have a pretty good idea of what could happen, we have been there and seen it for ourselves, but you refuse to listen

 

you also seem very confident that you will never be caught...you may be right, but all it takes is one slip up or a bit of suspicion on the part of your wife, and all hell will break loose...she will never, ever be able to trust you, and the pain you will cause her will be a hundred times worse than what she'd feel if you'd had the courage to be honest

 

So I will give you one final plea...

 

look inside yourself, way deep down beyond all the pride, hurt and anger. find the love that you had for your wife, and if any of it is still there or even if it ever was, then she deserves to be treated so much better than this. She deserves an honest and open love, and you don't seem to want to give her that. Put yourself in her shoes...if you were her, and this was going on behind your back, would you want to know, would you want the chance to make informed choices about your life, or would you be fine not knowing? You semeto be very concerned about being honest with your other woman...fair enough- you should be honest with her; but why does your wife somehow deserve so much less than that?

 

 

( as for my husband, his reasons for cheating were very different than yours, but I have to say that if he had come off the way you do about his affair, I would never, ever have agreed to reconcile with him. I would never have been able to trust him or his love for me ever again. I would rather have bee on m own for the rest of my life.)

[nofool4u]

As long as you are praying for his wife, perhaps you should include a prayer for her to decide that she wants to have frequent and satisfying sexual relations with her husband, since her unwillingness to do so is the root cause of the problems in OP' marriage, at least according to what he has posted here.

 

Here we go again:sick:

[nofool4u]

Unfortunately I have no good answers for you.

 

One might think, at least according to the attitudes of many posters responding in your thread, that a satisfactory sex life is neither a compelling primal physical drive nor at all important to a healthy, happy marriage.

 

I have to beg to differ.

 

As long as your wife refuses to give you a meaningful marital sex life, this problem has no satisfactory resolution.

 

This coming from a man that thinks that if a couple has sex once a week, that is pushing the boundaries for CAUSING the other to have an affair.

 

Of course sex is important, and I realize that we aren't talking about even once a week with this sitch.

 

But you do realize they are not spring chickens any longer. He seems to still have lead left in the pencil. But what about her? Could it be that there is something she needs in the way of medical attention? Supplements to help with her libido at her age? Has she had a hysterectomy?

 

Thats like saying the wife has a right to go out and cheat if her husband starts to develop impotency. Ya, so much for love honor and cherish.

 

We have heard OP talk about her "excuses" as to why she won't have sex. What are they? Are they something they can get help for?

 

Or is there much more here? Could it be that he simply wants a young woman? Sex with the same woman for all these years is boring, and he wants it when HE wants it?

 

I'd like to hear some of the "excuses" that he says she tells him. If its libido, then talk about it with his wife and go to a doctor. What is it?

[nofool4u]

This isn't really fair to the OP as it casts unnecessary aspersions on his motives.

 

I regard OP as just like two long time posters, giotto & James, who evidently are in low-sex marriages and possibly contemplated having affairs but didn't take that next step. OP is just like giotto or James if they had taken the next step.

 

This harsh criticism of OP is unwarranted and rather ridiculous.

 

When he talks about going back to his wife and discussing sex and seeing what her "excuse" will be from week to week, that is him being flippant towards his wife.

 

If he truly loved her he would do as he says and end the affair, which he is supposed to be doing, and make a true effort with his wife. Not make a smartass comment about what her excuses will be. If thats the case, then he shouldn't even waste her time trying to "work" on anything. Seems the work is expected of her, and none on his part.

 

So the harsh criticism comes from his harsh words about his wife.

[elcklan]

 

Do you want to know what would have happened if Mr. Messy had come to me and told me what was happening with him, if he had told me of the affairs instead of me finding them out on my own? I honestly do not know...but I do know that he wouldn't have been served with divorce papers the week after d-day. I kept quiet after I found out (for months) and I planned. I planned my future all the while hoping that he would come to me. He had time...he made his decision and I made mine. But the key...it was my decision. And no one has the right to remove that from anyone.

 

I guess even if the territory is a dump.

[Cali408]

Can we all agree that he should end it and move on? All in favor I!

 

Shame, having been there, I feel your pain about loving her forever. You will, it's understood.

 

We need to stop judging Shame. Was he wrong? Absolutely! Was I wrong, absolutely. None of us are perfect and don't know his whole situation.

 

And I wouldn't tell her. I see all of your points, but why hurt her. If she finds out, so be it, and then you have some "splainin' to do, but don't make the situation worse. But if you don't tell her, you HAVE to commit to only her. I know you're an emotional basket case and it's the hardest thing you've ever done. It's harder than any drug. But think of the toll it's taken on your marriage? your business? your life? When your at home, you're not appreciating anything but your girlfriend. The hardest thing to do is sometimes the right thing.

 

I'll leave you with this, the grass is only greener by the septic tank and you know what that is full of.