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The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing equating getting married?

asker

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asker New Member

asker

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ok, I hope this generates a serious discussion about this subject...



 

At what point did we start equating having a boyfriend/girlfriend with having a husband/wife?

 

It's just something that has irked me for a while now particularly in the realm of dating. There's this whole 'unofficial rule' of "don't even bother getting to know somebody with a boyfriend/girlfriend because they are hands off." Excuse me, isn't that what getting married is for?

 

Here's what I'm saying and NOT saying. I am saying that marriage is supposed to be the official formal way of saying "Hey, we are together, so don't even bother getting in between us two." What I'm NOT saying is that people who aren't married are less valid in their feelings for each other.

 

So many times have I heard people say "Oh I like this person but they have a bf/gf" and the usual reply is "Yeah better move on because they have a bf/gf" or "It's just not right to take someones gf/bf from them" or even "How would you feel if someone tried to take your gf/bf from you?"

 

As far as I can tell, all these issues are derived from, and have been solved from, the creation of the institution of marriage. Again, I'm not saying that getting married prevents all issues from happening because we all know there are tons of people who don't even stay committed. However, I just don't understand why, in today's world, people keep overlooking the fact that throughout the thousands of years of human evolution, in order to answer the question of 'how do i keep other people from interfering with our relationship without getting violent or having to explain our whole story?' humans have created marriage.

 

Do people even take the time to understand what a girlfriend/boyfriend is anyways? How recent a development this form of dating is?!

 

When I bring this subject up, I'm not advocating people purposefully getting in between two people who like each other just to cause animosity.

 

My questions always lie in the situations where, boy meets girl, girl has been liking someone else for a while and they consider themselves bf/gf, girl starts getting to know new boy and these two just start genuinely liking each other, girl and new boy(because of their genuine like for each other) start a friendship.

 

So in this instance, according to what passes as general knowledge these days, the new guy is not even supposed to start up talking or hanging out with this girl? As if this girl is the old guys property? Now, if those two were married, which dictates that they made a formal public commitment to each other, ones which everyone else is supposed to recognize and can be backed up by law, I could totally understand the new guy backing down and not even starting anything with the girl and respecting the commitment. But if she is just his gf, and he is just her bf, the new guy has every right to try to get to know her too. Just because someone else likes her, he's supposed to stop liking her? That's just nuts. In other words, the guy is supposed to be caring more about the other guy than the girl. What if the new guy is just a better fit in the long run? If he is totally more concerned about her happiness than the old guy, than I say go for it.

 

From her end, she has every right to talk to whomever she wants to talk to until she is married. The same goes for the guy, until he is married, he has every right to talk to whomever he wants to as well.

 

It's really simple. If I were dating a girl and we developed feelings for eachother and became bf/gf, up until the time we got married she would have every right to talk to whomever she wanted to. Now, I may start feeling insecure about her talking to other guys but I realize that insecurity is about ME. If I wanted to really get serious about either of us not talking to other people and other people not 'talking' to either of us, I would get married to her. This isn't to say that I wouldn't be defensive about other guys trying to talk to her either, lol, but in the back of my mind I'd always be thinking 'if I really want the 'games' to end i'm going to step up to the plate and declare us as a unit.'

 

Marriage isn't just for the two people getting married. Marriage is for everyone else! Marriage is for everyone else to recognize, accept, and approve of the union(that's why they ask at the ceremonies if there is one). Not only that, but now everyone who knows is now obligated to respect the publicness of their togetherness and help to promote their well being so they can be part of society as a unit.

 

So many angles on this subject, I'm sure I'll get some pretty ruffled feathers out there. I welcome a chance to investigate my thoughts.

Edited by asker
RedIrish73 New Member

RedIrish73

Posted
Posted

I don't think this was a situation where society decided that if your BF/GF you are unavailable. I think that as time progressed, people simply became accostumed to the fact that most who are BF/GF choose to be unavailable and it was not worth the effort or embarrassment to try to ask them out or hit on them or whatever it is you want to do.

Coil Member

Coil

Posted
Posted

Ok, I hope this generates a serious discussion about this subject...



 

At what point did we start equating having a boyfriend/girlfriend with having a husband/wife?

 

It's just something that has irked me for a while now particularly in the realm of dating. There's this whole 'unofficial rule' of "don't even bother getting to know somebody with a boyfriend/girlfriend because they are hands off." Excuse me, isn't that what getting married is for?

 

Here's what I'm saying and NOT saying. I am saying that marriage is supposed to be the official formal way of saying "Hey, we are together, so don't even bother getting in between us two." What I'm NOT saying is that people who aren't married are less valid in their feelings for each other.

 

So many times have I heard people say "Oh I like this person but they have a bf/gf" and the usual reply is "Yeah better move on because they have a bf/gf" or "It's just not right to take someones gf/bf from them" or even "How would you feel if someone tried to take your gf/bf from you?"

 

As far as I can tell, all these issues are derived from, and have been solved from, the creation of the institution of marriage. Again, I'm not saying that getting married prevents all issues from happening because we all know there are tons of people who don't even stay committed. However, I just don't understand why, in today's world, people keep overlooking the fact that throughout the thousands of years of human evolution, in order to answer the question of 'how do i keep other people from interfering with our relationship without getting violent or having to explain our whole story?' humans have created marriage.

 

Do people even take the time to understand what a girlfriend/boyfriend is anyways? How recent a development this form of dating is?!

 

When I bring this subject up, I'm not advocating people purposefully getting in between two people who like each other just to cause animosity.

 

My questions always lie in the situations where, boy meets girl, girl has been liking someone else for a while and they consider themselves bf/gf, girl starts getting to know new boy and these two just start genuinely liking each other, girl and new boy(because of their genuine like for each other) start a friendship.

 

So in this instance, according to what passes as general knowledge these days, the new guy is not even supposed to start up talking or hanging out with this girl? As if this girl is the old guys property? Now, if those two were married, which dictates that they made a formal public commitment to each other, ones which everyone else is supposed to recognize and can be backed up by law, I could totally understand the new guy backing down and not even starting anything with the girl and respecting the commitment. But if she is just his gf, and he is just her bf, the new guy has every right to try to get to know her too. Just because someone else likes her, he's supposed to stop liking her? That's just nuts. In other words, the guy is supposed to be caring more about the other guy than the girl. What if the new guy is just a better fit in the long run? If he is totally more concerned about her happiness than the old guy, than I say go for it.

 

From her end, she has every right to talk to whomever she wants to talk to until she is married. The same goes for the guy, until he is married, he has every right to talk to whomever he wants to as well.

 

It's really simple. If I were dating a girl and we developed feelings for eachother and became bf/gf, up until the time we got married she would have every right to talk to whomever she wanted to. Now, I may start feeling insecure about her talking to other guys but I realize that insecurity is about ME. If I wanted to really get serious about either of us not talking to other people and other people not 'talking' to either of us, I would get married to her. This isn't to say that I wouldn't be defensive about other guys trying to talk to her either, lol, but in the back of my mind I'd always be thinking 'if I really want the 'games' to end i'm going to step up to the plate and declare us as a unit.'

 

Marriage isn't just for the two people getting married. Marriage is for everyone else! Marriage is for everyone else to recognize, accept, and approve of the union(that's why they ask at the ceremonies if there is one). Not only that, but now everyone who knows is now obligated to respect the publicness of their togetherness and help to promote their well being so they can be part of society as a unit.

 

So many angles on this subject, I'm sure I'll get some pretty ruffled feathers out there. I welcome a chance to investigate my thoughts.

It is a societal norm and a respect thing imho. Your thinking is off kilter... Keep thinking the way you are talking and pursue the wrong guys girlfriend.....I hope you get your teeth knocked down your throat if you do.

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asker New Member

asker

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Posted (edited)
I think that as time progressed, people simply became accostumed to the fact that most who are BF/GF choose to be unavailable

 

I agree with you here. If people choose to be unavailable that is fine. You don't have to get to know anyone or further anything you don't want to. I totally jive with the fact that, as per my example situation, a girlfriend can decline any advances by any potential guy. I just want it to be clear that she is the one doing the declining.

 

 

It is a societal norm and a respect thing imho. Your thinking is off kilter... Keep thinking the way you are talking and pursue the wrong guys girlfriend.....I hope you get your teeth knocked down your throat if you do.

 

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Why should I get my teeth knocked in for getting to know someone? Respect for what exactly? The fact that two people like each other? I'm not supposed to like someone because someone likes her too? In the examples I'm bringing up, it's basically I'm not going to stop talking to her because I like her, she's a nice girl. I'm not trying to hurt the girl. Look, If she doesn't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm not going to pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued. However, if she wants to keep hanging out because she likes me too, I'll oblige.

 

This is where my comments about marriage come in. If she was married to her husband, you have my full 100% word that I'd stay away and wouldn't even think of asking her out because that is what its for and why it was created.

Edited by asker
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

Personally, being someone's girlfriend implies exclusivity and a commitment for me. I can be "seeing someone" and "dating them" but I'm not their girlfriend. For me, deciding to be your girlfriend is me deciding you're someone I'm serious about and I can potentially marry.

 

I think people and cultures have different approaches to dating/courtship. For me, being your girlfriend is more of a courtship process, in that I'm not just deciding to be your gf because I "like you" but because I feel we have the potential to eventually get married. Not everyone sees it that way though, some people consider any person they've been seeing to be their bf/gf. It takes a lot for me to get into an exclusive relationship and if I've decided to be your girlfriend then I expect exclusivity.

 

I am uncertain about what that in-between period between marriage and being in a relationship is for you? :confused: At what point do you become exclusive? It would seem pretty darn difficult to be in a relationship and be expected to continue dating whoever until marriage...I mean that makes no sense to me. But maybe you're not saying that, so please clarify. For me, marriage SOLIDIFIES a commitment that already exists. This commitment to marry a man is because while he is my boyfriend, I've seen that I want to have a life with him permanently. Marriage isn't what makes it committed...the commitment is a priori and the marriage makes it official. I'm not a man's gf but seeing other men then he randomly proposes and I say "Ok guess I'm committed now".

 

Also. many people do not legally marry. In the culture I'm from, most people have common law spouses, that is, they live with, have kids with and have been with this person as their "bf/gf" technically for years and years but simply are not legally wed. In your opinion, should others assume they are "on the market" because they have no ring on or aren't legally married?

 

People choose the kind of relationships they want and what it entails for them in terms of the level of commitment.Simply liking someone and being in a relationship with them are very different things to me (perhaps you don't make that distinction?) Please explain what a gf/bf is, because I see several references to "liking someone" as what it means to you, and for me that is not what it means. So please clarify about what the definition of a bf/gf is for you.

 

I don't think one is either single or married (although for legal purposes that's how it's sometimes defined). In the reality of social relationships (Outside of legal forms) relationships are more nuanced and there is an in-between where a couple is serious and exclusive before actually being married. For me, if I'm your gf it's because I'm attempting to build something and that's on the basis of exclusivity. If I am not interested in that then you're my FWB or I'm just casually seeing you and you or I can date whomever. As your gf it is possible that we do break up...but I see no purpose in saying someone is my bf if what I mean is, I can still look for other people. When i want to still look for other people, I don't attach myself in that way to a man as his gf. That is, I don't meet his family, I don't really share all the important things in my life, we don't go on trips etc. It just makes life easier to not do that. I don't see though why anyone would attach themselves to someone, showing up at Christmas dinner, living with them for some etc. if they are one foot out still looking for others.

 

And if I'm interested in a man, then he says he has a gf, my assumption is the same. That he is with this woman exclusively attempting to build something. I therefore see no point in inserting myself into that equation. When my last bf and I got together we had been seeing other people casually but after a while he naturally only wanted to see me and I him and therefore we decided to be exclusive. The feelings of exclusivity precede marriage...which may be the confusion here. One doesn't (or I hope not) start feeling exclusive and desiring this on the day of one's wedding or after the I-dos, but this is something that happens before that leads you to deciding that you want to increase your level of commitment, and ultimately marry.

Edited by MissBee
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