acs5000 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Six months ago my first and only true love left me for another guy. Everything was going so well, and I was even planning a cruise for us to go on in the summer. A few days before she broke up with me she made me promise her that I would never leave her and never lose hope in our relationship, and then a few days later she tells me she has moved on and is seeing someone else. We were together for five years and planned to get married. Ever since the break up she has not tried to contact me once. Im so devastated, Ive been extremely suicidal ever since. I see a counselor very often and an on anti depressants and have been doing everything suggested to get past this suicidal feeling. Nothing seems to help me. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and find myself praying to god all the time to someday just take me in my sleep. I do not know what to do. I see multiple counselors and follow the suggestions of all of them. The blow to my self esteem from the break up is the main source of all my pain and hopelessness. What little self esteem I had, left with her. Because of the little self worth I have for myself, it makes it very hard for me to be optimistic about the future. I fell she was my one and only chance. I am still in shock over what happened. Please help me figure out what to do. I dont want to leave my parents without their son, but im so tired and drained and barely make it through the day. I dont really have any friends due to the fact that I was a heroin addict and burned most of my bridges, however I now have two years clean but find it very hard to make friends when you dont know anyone. Please give me some suggestions on what to do. Im so lost and scared, ive never felt so sad and alone and hopeless. I am a christian and pray to god constantly but ive been having such a hard time putting all my faith in the lord because everything keeps going wrong. I am young and have my whole life ahead of me, but nothing seems to have any sort of weight to it anymore. I used to get excited about working toward the life I want, and when thinking about what life has to offer, but now when I think about it I dont feel anything. nothing is appealing or fun, im so tired and warn out, im so sad and hopeless, im getting lots of help but nothing seems to work. Please help, I appreciate any sort of suggestions. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I've never posted my problems or asked for help on the internet, but I just dont know what to do anymore. God Bless -Adam
BOSSHOGG5 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Keep having faith man! Things will get better. I use to feel like I was worthless after my wife left me. I would think how could this happen to me, who would want to be with me. I use to sit in my dark room. But I tell you what, things started to change. Yes I still think about her now and again, "It Hurts No More". If you could shake your addiction than you can shake your hurt. Nothing can stop you dude. Nothing. My biggest problem with my divorce that I had was that the depression that I was going through was brought on due to fear. After being married for 23 yrs that will do it to you. You will be okay. Take it from all of us here on LS.
Author acs5000 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 It is hard for me to pinpoint exactly where most of the pain is coming from. For a while I was fairly codependent on her for all my self worth and happiness, but I miss being around her and her personality so so much which makes me feel like Im missing her and not what she did for me (make me feel better about myself) I feel most of my pain comes from fear of the future and never finding someone who makes me as happy as she did, and worrying people will not want to be with me. I worry that no one will want to be with someone who was addicted to heroin. I like sweet, nice, and innocent women, not badass chicks who party all the time. I just worry so much and Im so misserable all the time despite trying all I can do to help me through this. Im so tried and drained from breaking down all throughout the day. Im trying my best to live in the answer and not the problem, to be proactive toward the situation and not wallow in my sadness. But despite my best efforts every day I feel worse because I miss her more and more and feel more and more hopeless. Im trying so hard, I just want to see some sort of progress in how I feel, but it just seems to get worse. She was my rock through all my addiction and recovery and have been through so much together. She still texts me every once and a while bc she knows how much she has hurt me and always says I should call her if I ever start having thoughts of relapsing or doing something drastic (hurt myself), but its not fair for me to put her in that position. She has always made everything better and I just want to tell her how suicidal I feel sometimes but I cant. I just hope things start getting better, because so far they have just gotten worse. and thanks to both of you for your comments, I was having an abnormally hard time today and reading that really helped, so thank you -Adam
BOSSHOGG5 Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 No problem man. I'm telling you it is the fear, but the more you do things on your own the better things will become. I was scared as hell wondering how I was going to raise two boys on my own. Now,,,a family has been restored without their mom and guess what? I have a special someone that has entered my life. We are taking things really slow but the fears that I had on if another woman wanted a guy who was financially devastated are gone. She knows the deal. I told her and she is not worried about what has happened. She focuses on my good qualities, she makes me think and she really is turned on by the way I raise my boys. Things will get better. If you have to go and get help do so.
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