Need Some Tough Love Right Now!

[nsteen87]

Hello all,

 

I am in desperate need of some tough love and a reality check right now and I'm hoping this community can help!

 

Here is my story:

 

I am 25, have a great job and finishing up my MBA and I'm pretty set and secure right now

 

She was a 23 year old graduate student who was in the same sorority as one of my really good girlfriends. We had hung out many times and developed a friendship of sorts before I hit it off with her in the Summer of 2011 when she came to my beach house. She is now in the final year of graduate school in Buffalo, NY and I work and live in Central, NJ. We started dating when she began graduate school in Buffalo, NY so it was always a LDR. We would see each other on average one weekend a month except for summer break and winter break when she was home all of the time.

 

Here are the facts:

 

I'm down in the dumps like never before and I've had lots of girlfriends and "casual" relationships but this one stings like never before. 3 months of intense psychological distress and I've been going to counseling for 5 weeks now

 

On 3 separate occasions over the course of our 1.5 years together, needed "space" which was ironic since we were in a LDR and I let her sucker me into it. On the 2nd occasion, I started hooking up with another girl and was totally honest about it when she asked and ironically I was totally fine.

 

Most recently, she needed a "break" in the first week of October. This started off like the last 2 times with us still talking like normal and enjoying our normal playful daily conversations. When it became apparent that I was slipping into the "friend zone' - I got much more pushier. It got worse when she got home from Buffalo and close to me again in November when I had basically been preparing for months for her to be home and I got even pushier. At this point, I started to get frustrated and really insecure which is not like me at all, but I will totally admit at times I harassed her via text/email/phone to get her to talk to me and said some REALLY hurtful things and I mean I hit every single soft spot. Yet she just kept stringing me along and insisted on how much she wants to be friends with me.

 

I economically supported our relationship and paid for everything, gave her everything she wanted and made as many business trips as I could to visit her at school. Moreover, she left me in limbo 3 times and strung me along. Tomorrow morning will be a week of NC and I'm shaking to text her right now but I won't.

 

I want to close out by saying from this experience I have learned we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I would like to contact her and apologize with no-ulterior motive. I don't know what to say but I want to make sure I do it right. I understand we will not be able to get back together anytime soon, but I would be shocked if we don't cross paths again someday and I'd like to reconcile for what I've done but I also need some tough love to remind me to maintain the NC!

[dms.]

You admit you let her sucker you into "needing space" when you were already in a LDR so basically she wanted a break to do what / who she wanted knowing that she could keep you waiting with a promise to return and like most guys who believe the relationship is in a good spot you agree. Not once but three times. I believe you had the right idea the third time, move on. She has taken it as a relationship of convenience that she can come and go as she pleases and when you tried to progress as most good relationships do she sent it flying back in your face.

 

I know, I have been there myself, it sucks. But if you were to contact and apologize what would you apologize for? Being gullible enough to take her back after she spent time dropping in and out of the relationship? For working hard and providing for the relationship as best you could?

 

I know NC is hard, especially the first few weeks, but as the saying goes, time heals.

[Samilia]

You make me think about my ex, he used to do the very same thing. Would call, facebook, text harass me and tried to push me into getting back with him. Or would straight up insult me when he'd get frustrated. That pushed me away big time, of course.

 

My personal advice is to move on, the relationship is over. As for the apology, I would wait, let time work his magic. I feel like if you apologize right now it's going to fall in the same bucket all your pushy calls fell in.

[youngnlove89]

Hello all,

 

I am in desperate need of some tough love and a reality check right now and I'm hoping this community can help!

 

Here is my story:

 

I am 25, have a great job and finishing up my MBA and I'm pretty set and secure right now

 

She was a 23 year old graduate student who was in the same sorority as one of my really good girlfriends. We had hung out many times and developed a friendship of sorts before I hit it off with her in the Summer of 2011 when she came to my beach house. She is now in the final year of graduate school in Buffalo, NY and I work and live in Central, NJ. We started dating when she began graduate school in Buffalo, NY so it was always a LDR. We would see each other on average one weekend a month except for summer break and winter break when she was home all of the time.

 

Here are the facts:

 

I'm down in the dumps like never before and I've had lots of girlfriends and "casual" relationships but this one stings like never before. 3 months of intense psychological distress and I've been going to counseling for 5 weeks now

 

On 3 separate occasions over the course of our 1.5 years together, needed "space" which was ironic since we were in a LDR and I let her sucker me into it. On the 2nd occasion, I started hooking up with another girl and was totally honest about it when she asked and ironically I was totally fine.

 

Most recently, she needed a "break" in the first week of October. This started off like the last 2 times with us still talking like normal and enjoying our normal playful daily conversations. When it became apparent that I was slipping into the "friend zone' - I got much more pushier. It got worse when she got home from Buffalo and close to me again in November when I had basically been preparing for months for her to be home and I got even pushier. At this point, I started to get frustrated and really insecure which is not like me at all, but I will totally admit at times I harassed her via text/email/phone to get her to talk to me and said some REALLY hurtful things and I mean I hit every single soft spot. Yet she just kept stringing me along and insisted on how much she wants to be friends with me.

 

I economically supported our relationship and paid for everything, gave her everything she wanted and made as many business trips as I could to visit her at school. Moreover, she left me in limbo 3 times and strung me along. Tomorrow morning will be a week of NC and I'm shaking to text her right now but I won't.

 

I want to close out by saying from this experience I have learned we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I would like to contact her and apologize with no-ulterior motive. I don't know what to say but I want to make sure I do it right. I understand we will not be able to get back together anytime soon, but I would be shocked if we don't cross paths again someday and I'd like to reconcile for what I've done but I also need some tough love to remind me to maintain the NC!

 

You can either:

 

A) Text her and tell her your feelings

 

B) Move on

 

or

 

(my favorite) C) date me

 

hehe

[nsteen87]

You can either:

 

A) Text her and tell her your feelings

 

B) Move on

 

or

 

(my favorite) C) date me

 

hehe

 

I've done a whole lot of A and it hasn't worked at all. This really has become a relationship of "convenience" for her and like most immature girls her age, she doesn't realize what she has given up yet. Have I done some bad things? Sure - but when I try and rationalize it with her she doesn't understand that it takes a match (her wanting space) to start a fire (me being mean and pushy). Somewhere in the world there are girls that understand this!!

[kaylacole]

Hasn't it occurred to you that she is the one who should be apologizing, and that you should be the one ignoring her entirely?

 

She is a flake who strung you along and treated you like garbage. She is the garbage.

 

get some self respect, stop being absolutely pathetic, and tell all women who treat you like that in the future to step off, to hit the lonely road that their pathetic asses deserve?

 

Grow up and stop being a sad little boy, this whorible wench doesn't deserve to hear from you, ever.

 

Grow some self respect for chrissakes.

 

There is your tough talk. If they leave you, they arent worth responding to, they arent worth communication.

[KatZee]

Honestly, she's needed "space" away from you 4 times now. This was NEVER a relationship that was going to go the distance. She probably returned because she was lonely. She needed an ego boost. She was never with you out of true love. No one who's so in love needs "space" that many times in 18 months. That's absolutely ludicrous.

 

You say you'd be shocked if you never met up again. You should be praying to God and wishing on all the stars in the sky that you never meet up with her again because what's going to happen? This same scenario. Be with you, just to leave you. Again and again.

 

Something is missing for her. Only she knows what that is. Or maybe she doesn't. Either way, what you have to offer isn't keeping her around long term.

 

This is not the foundation of a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship. Continue on with your therapy. It will get much easier as the days go on.

[oracle]

LOL OPTION C - just what he needs.. another bat sh*t crazy chick

 

get real

 

You can either:

 

A) Text her and tell her your feelings

 

B) Move on

 

or

 

(my favorite) C) date me

 

hehe

[CptSaveAho]

Tough Love 101:

 

1) Long distance relationship - Really?

2) After 1 "break" the relationship is over... figure out what made you keep running back over and over and over again

3) You continuously enabled her to treat you and use you as a doormat because you paid for and did everything for her while she did nothing for you except be a "friend"

4) There's absolutely no reason to contact her... you're just being an idiot

5) She's only stringing you along because you are holding on to that string - how about taking responsibility for your own actions and just let go of it

[Simon Phoenix]

I really don't get why you are apologizing. CapnSaveAHo hit the nail on the head with his post -- there's no need to contact her.

[Chico333]

Find a new girl to focus your attention on because this one is not looking for a real relationship with you. Your title asks for tough love, which probably means that you already know all of this and just want some opinions to help confirm it so, here they are!

 

Forget her. She has been playing you and wanted you at her convenience. You seem to have good things going for you so, do yourself a favor and don't waste your time on a girl who will keep you running in circles. You are at your prime so use your time wisely and live it up.

[cavalier99]

DUUUDE...NO apology letter.

 

Complete and TOTAL NC. Cut ALL ties. DISAPPEAR. This is the biggest step you can take to get over this. NOT a letter. She doesn't care. You do. Plus I'm sure its all been said anyway.

 

I bet you haven't deleted her emails yet, contact info gone? Pics hidden away or deleted. If not do it. Have you blocked her number? Can you do it?

 

If this is messing you up this much it is time to really let it go for you own sanity and to recover your self respect.

 

Hey I've been there running back etcetera lashing out. It sucks. I now know better. Take charge of your life again and forget this immature girl that YOU let yourself lose you self esteem for. Otherwise this crap will drive you insane. Good luck!

Edited December 12, 2012 by cavalier99

[brokengirl3]

NC!NC!NC!

Same boat before 2 days i was shaking to text my ex too!Today im Nc day 10 and i feel stronger pls move on !Do it for you!

 

ps:I want youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu you are gorgeous!

[Mr Reptile]

You are 25 and have a great job, and put energy in a girl who dumps you several times?

 

Boy, man the f*ck up!

You're young and have NO TIME to WASTE on girls like this. She keeps you along for her own needs, not yours.

 

Go NC and keep looking for a woman who Actually loves you.

Respect yourself, otherwise nooneelse will, and women will keep using you like this.

[nsteen87]

Tough Love 101:

 

1) Long distance relationship - Really?

2) After 1 "break" the relationship is over... figure out what made you keep running back over and over and over again

3) You continuously enabled her to treat you and use you as a doormat because you paid for and did everything for her while she did nothing for you except be a "friend"

4) There's absolutely no reason to contact her... you're just being an idiot

5) She's only stringing you along because you are holding on to that string - how about taking responsibility for your own actions and just let go of it

 

1 - I won't do this ever again. I'm moving to a more target rich environment in January so it will keep me busy

 

2 & 3 - I'm ashamed to admit it, but really really good sex.

 

4 - can't disagree with this one

 

5 - can't disagree with this one either

 

Time for me to stop being such an idiot I guess! The funny thing is what she wanted on the most recent break was to go to NC for what she said was "about a month" and then start talking again. It will bring me great satisfaction if she should actually go through with this because I'm pretty sure I'm at the point now where I'm not even interested in responding.

 

I've setup a bunch of dates with girls I've overlooked or have expressed interest in me over the past. I'm not ready for another relationship right now, but I do think it's time to spread my wings a bit!

 

Thanks all!

[flitzanu]

Hello all,

 

I am in desperate need of some tough love and a reality check right now and I'm hoping this community can help!

 

Here is my story:

 

I am 25, have a great job and finishing up my MBA and I'm pretty set and secure right now

 

She was a 23 year old graduate student who was in the same sorority as one of my really good girlfriends. We had hung out many times and developed a friendship of sorts before I hit it off with her in the Summer of 2011 when she came to my beach house. She is now in the final year of graduate school in Buffalo, NY and I work and live in Central, NJ. We started dating when she began graduate school in Buffalo, NY so it was always a LDR. We would see each other on average one weekend a month except for summer break and winter break when she was home all of the time.

 

Here are the facts:

 

I'm down in the dumps like never before and I've had lots of girlfriends and "casual" relationships but this one stings like never before. 3 months of intense psychological distress and I've been going to counseling for 5 weeks now

 

On 3 separate occasions over the course of our 1.5 years together, needed "space" which was ironic since we were in a LDR and I let her sucker me into it. On the 2nd occasion, I started hooking up with another girl and was totally honest about it when she asked and ironically I was totally fine.

 

Most recently, she needed a "break" in the first week of October. This started off like the last 2 times with us still talking like normal and enjoying our normal playful daily conversations. When it became apparent that I was slipping into the "friend zone' - I got much more pushier. It got worse when she got home from Buffalo and close to me again in November when I had basically been preparing for months for her to be home and I got even pushier. At this point, I started to get frustrated and really insecure which is not like me at all, but I will totally admit at times I harassed her via text/email/phone to get her to talk to me and said some REALLY hurtful things and I mean I hit every single soft spot. Yet she just kept stringing me along and insisted on how much she wants to be friends with me.

 

I economically supported our relationship and paid for everything, gave her everything she wanted and made as many business trips as I could to visit her at school. Moreover, she left me in limbo 3 times and strung me along. Tomorrow morning will be a week of NC and I'm shaking to text her right now but I won't.

 

I want to close out by saying from this experience I have learned we both have a lot of growing up to do, but I would like to contact her and apologize with no-ulterior motive. I don't know what to say but I want to make sure I do it right. I understand we will not be able to get back together anytime soon, but I would be shocked if we don't cross paths again someday and I'd like to reconcile for what I've done but I also need some tough love to remind me to maintain the NC!

 

honestly dude, she knew she was stringing you along. and honestly again, at this point, there's no use in trying to be earnest and apologize for your ill behavior. it's going to fall on deaf ears, and in HER eyes she's just going to think even MORE that she has you wrapped around her finger.

 

sometimes it's best to let people walk away on a sour note and maintain your dignity.

[youngnlove89]

1 - I won't do this ever again. I'm moving to a more target rich environment in January so it will keep me busy

 

2 & 3 - I'm ashamed to admit it, but really really good sex.

 

4 - can't disagree with this one

 

5 - can't disagree with this one either

 

Time for me to stop being such an idiot I guess! The funny thing is what she wanted on the most recent break was to go to NC for what she said was "about a month" and then start talking again. It will bring me great satisfaction if she should actually go through with this because I'm pretty sure I'm at the point now where I'm not even interested in responding.

 

I've setup a bunch of dates with girls I've overlooked or have expressed interest in me over the past. I'm not ready for another relationship right now, but I do think it's time to spread my wings a bit!

 

Thanks all!

 

 

I can say that our ex's were sort of similar. They break up and break up and breakup and keep coming back. It's exhausting. And I stayed for the good sex also. But we need to realize that a relationship can not survive on just good sex. It needs more.

 

I'm glad to see you are exploring other options versus going back to her! Good luck!