RansomedHeart Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) Greetings all, I'll try and make this as quick as possible without getting into too much history and detail, because theres a LOT of it. Long story short, I'm 29 and my wife is 25. I consider myself to be in pretty good shape. I'm 5'8" 165lbs. We've been dating since she was 17 and been through our fair share of breaks/breakups (which were usually caused by her gaining weight, then losing it, then gaining again). She did competitive dance her whole life and loved it, but once she graduated high school she had to stop because of her age. Shortly after she started to seriously pack on the pounds. At her worst, she said she was almost 200lbs, and she's only 5'4"/5'5". For a while she slimmed down and looked fantastic, our sex life was never better. She had surgery to remove her gall bladder a few years ago, and her weight was never an issue until about 20 months ago when she moved in with me. We've been married 3 months now, and ever since she moved in almost 2 years ago, she's done nothing but balloon up. She comes home from work, cooks dinner, and proceeds to drink 2-3 glasses of wine a night, I think the empty calories have added up over time. I've tried to gracefully handle it a year ago after I proposed to her, but she was so busy planning the wedding that she never 'had time' to do anything. She even bought DVD programs like Insanity, and never did them. They now collect dust. Now it's starting to affect our relationship in the bedroom. I'm not physically attracted to her anymore, and basically have to force myself to have sex with her (a lot of times drunk and thinking about other women), and even that is down to once a month. I'm still a young man in my eyes with a strong libido, I find myself watching porn way too often now since I'd never cheat on her after the marriage (I have in the past when we were younger but I've grown up). Every time she starts complaining that we haven't had sex in weeks, I don't know what to do or say? I can't tell her the truth, that would crush her. I've been pulling the 'Im too tired' bullcrap way too long now and I'm at wits end with what to do. I've tried to bring it up, she signed us up for a gym but I work a rotating shift schedule and she works monday-friday so its hard to get together and go. She claims she goes on her lunch break, but its been 2 months now and I have yet to see any change. Now she's pushing me into trying to get pregnant and I'm terrified she's going to gain another 50lbs on top of her already 170-180lbs. HELP! I don't want to become a sexless 29yr old in a failed marriage because my partner won't listen to me, and refuses to do anything about it. In a way, I feel I was lured into this marriage under false pretenses and lies of "oh I'll start working out again, I'll lose the weight, I'll quit smoking, etc" and quite frankly I feel a little betrayed. Edited December 12, 2012 by RansomedHeart
ja123 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 You'll just have to be honest with her and say,"Honey, I love you, but I'm just not attracted to you physically at this weight." Listen to what she says, then make a proactive plan: she needs to see a dietician, get a personal trainer, find women who also want to go to the gym, she can take or give dance classes again, or volunteer teaching dance. She needs to diversify and have more things that fulfill her in life, than just eating. She needs to find out why she is eating so much: thyroid? PCOS? celiac? emotional issues? unhappy with her career choice? and create a proactive plan to improve things.
Author RansomedHeart Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 But that's the weird thing, she doesn't eat alot. In fact her only meal is usually dinner, no breakfast and maybe a light lunch at work. I just chalked up her weight gain to all the wine she drinks over 20 months
ja123 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 That's why she needs to go see a doctor to see if there are underlying health issues that are causing her to gain. In your op you made it sound like she is over-eating, and doing so to spite you. Here's an article I stumbled across .. somewhat unrelated, but then not, I guess: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-equation/201002/the-supportive-spouse-how-get-the-right-kind-emotional-support
wild wolf Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 The wine calories add up for sure. You said she only really eats dinner? What kind of job does she have, office? I ask because if she is sitting at a computer all day and then shoveling in 75% of her calories at night that messes with her metabolism. It seems she has always struggled with her weight yo-yoing and that confuses her body. Try to explain to her that by skipping breakfast/ light lunch it puts her body in starvation mode so the metobolism slows down and holds onto the fats as reserve. Check out a website called calories count (Google it) and their is a calculator that tells you how many calories a person needs to lose weight according to size and activity level. It is not easy to tell a woman to lose weight. I am a female in a streneous job (wildland fire) but the winter months I still stick to my training/food regemine to keep those pesky winter pounds off. Do some research about nutrition requirements and watch what she eats. Start cooking dinner early in the week with portions set aside for each night. Its a process but simple things like wild rice (166 Cal/cup) vs white rice (310 Cal/cup) is a srtart. Do this journey with her. Go for a walk every evening after dinner. Do insanity with her, it is a kick ass work out. Hope this helps. I had to learn this on my own and love to help others. If you need help, just ask! Because a marriage without a sex life is roommates...
Author RansomedHeart Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 The wine calories add up for sure. You said she only really eats dinner? What kind of job does she have, office? I ask because if she is sitting at a computer all day and then shoveling in 75% of her calories at night that messes with her metabolism. It seems she has always struggled with her weight yo-yoing and that confuses her body. Try to explain to her that by skipping breakfast/ light lunch it puts her body in starvation mode so the metobolism slows down and holds onto the fats as reserve. Check out a website called calories count (Google it) and their is a calculator that tells you how many calories a person needs to lose weight according to size and activity level. It is not easy to tell a woman to lose weight. I am a female in a streneous job (wildland fire) but the winter months I still stick to my training/food regemine to keep those pesky winter pounds off. Do some research about nutrition requirements and watch what she eats. Start cooking dinner early in the week with portions set aside for each night. Its a process but simple things like wild rice (166 Cal/cup) vs white rice (310 Cal/cup) is a srtart. Do this journey with her. Go for a walk every evening after dinner. Do insanity with her, it is a kick ass work out. Hope this helps. I had to learn this on my own and love to help others. If you need help, just ask! Because a marriage without a sex life is roommates... She's a banker, so standing at the teller line most of the day. Extremely picky eater, she doesn't like to eat breakfast. I've stressed time and time again that not eating often enough leads to your body storing all the calories, but she never heeds my warnings. Based on her past before she lived with me, if she gets lazy and sits around drinking all the time, she gains weight easily. She's lost the weight before, I'm sure she can do it again and I'm more than willing to wait around, I'm just not sure how I can keep her in a good enough mood by satisfying her with sex when I'm not attracted to her size anymore. When she bought Insanity, I honestly believed she would do it. She went out on her own and researched the program because I used to do P90X, and I was pretty proud of her. But after only doing it a handful of times, she has yet to touch it since. I told her I wanted to do it together, but she said shed rather do it separately at first, I think that speaks volumes about her self-esteem issues, but I'm not sure how to get her motivated again.
wild wolf Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It sounds like your wife needs a goal or something for motivation. Kind of like a light at the end of the tunnel. She will struggle with weight her whole life it sounds like and making new habits is a must If my SO told me that my weight was effecting our sex life, that wold kick my button into gear. Break it to her gently, tell her you will help and motivate her. Set small goals: lose x amount of pounds by this date and we will do something she loves to do. Its not going to be an easy conversation and she may be really mad for a few days but work through it together. Find an activity that does not seem like a workout. And make sure she drinks a lot of water everyday, keeps her full and helps to flush toxins. Its going to be a hard road but with support she can do it. Don't expect it to be a quick process because healthy and lasting weight loss takes time. My advice: tell her your issue, support her and motivate! Good luck
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 But that's the weird thing, she doesn't eat alot. In fact her only meal is usually dinner, no breakfast and maybe a light lunch at work. I just chalked up her weight gain to all the wine she drinks over 20 months Having lived with someone who struggled with her weight for the last 25 years, you'd be amazed at how inaccurate those assessments turn out to be. Chances are, she's consuming more - and of the wrong kinds of foods - than she "remembers". No malice on her part, just human nature at work. Were she to keep an honest food journal, you'd both be surprised. Very difficult to gain the type of weight you've described if "she doesn't eat alot"... Mr. Lucky
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