Gpc2013 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Been lurking for a while and pouring over situations similar to my own. Finally decided to take the plunge and join so I could post and possibly get some advice. I'm female, mid-30's, never been married. Aside from the man I'm about to ramble on about, I've only had one other serious relationship in my life that lasted three years, plus I've dated here and there, but nothing really memorable. Sixteen years ago, not long after the sole serious relationship ended, I met my best friend's bro-in-law. There was an immediate attraction, spark, chemistry, whatever between us. This took me by surprise because I was still guarded after the end of my other relationship. For several months we just saw each other occasionally through our mutual acquaintances. He had never really dated before, and I was hesitant due to a freshly broken heart, and eventually I backed way off and started showing interest in other guys just to send him the message that I wasn't interested in anything serious (because I honestly could've imagined marrying this man within the year and it scared the hell out of me). I learned later that he confided in his brother that he was pretty bummed about the fact that things hadn't worked out between us. A year later, he started seeing someone else. I had dated a few men, but never felt the connection I had with him. Gradually I started coming around more as a mutual friend, and while there was a little underlying tension between us, I respected his new relationship and made no attempt to cause trouble. During the five years they dated, she cheated on him and they broke up and got back together. They wound up getting married and having two kids. I moved on with life and treated him as a casual acquaintance through mutual friends. But deep in my heart he was always "the one that got away". I confided in my best friend (his sis-in-law) over the years about my regrets over not recognizing what I had when I had him. A year and two months ago, he and the wife split when he found out she was having an affair. Needless to say, my friend was on the phone to me as soon as it happened. Pretty soon after (maybe a month after the split), I started attending church with my friend, her family, and him. The very first day he saw me he was all about me! And he didn't let up for about three months. During those months we spent a ton of time together, and a lot of it was pretty emotional as he was going through the horrible ordeal of his marriage ending and not seeing his kids as much as he wanted. I knew it was a risk and I stood to get hurt, and I tried to be sensible and cautious, but the fact that the man I thought I'd never have another chance with was suddenly all about me!? It was too good to let pass. Of course, all of this ended with him saying he just wasn't sure he'd ever love anyone again, he had to focus on his children, and he didn't want to lose me, but I deserved better. That was in February, and since that last night he has refused to communicate with me at all. I tried to speak to him in church and he was really uneasy and worried someone would see us talking. He's worried that his soon-to-be ex will use me (and our relationship) to turn his kids against him. His kids love me, btw. I've backed off and even attended another church most weeks just to give him space, but it hasn't been easy. I truly, truly love this man, but I accept and respect what he's doing now regarding his children and the end of his marriage. In the past couple of weeks I've returned to the church he and my friend attend. He was quite stand-offish the first week, but the past two times I've encountered him he's been more relaxed, has spoken to me (nothing major, but better than the shunning I was getting before), and even managed a smile at me when his daughter greeted me all excited (she's my little buddy, and it had been awhile). So the question is...do I just wait and see? He and I are going to be in each other's lives somewhat due to mutual friends. Is there any chance our relationship might rekindle after the divorce is final? He has no interest in seeing anyone else and has had plenty of offers.
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It could rekindle. He is obviously going through a lot ATM. Let him clear his mind some. But do not wait forever. I would set a time frame...I usually don't tell people to set time frames...but in this case.
Author Gpc2013 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 What sort of time frame? At this point he's not even divorced yet, and there's no telling when he will be. The wife is still with the man she was having the affair with, but she seems to be unwilling to take steps towards divorce. They seem to e trying to wait each other out. There is quite a bit of animosity and some spiteful behavior between them. It stands to be a long, drawn out, messy divorce. And I've heard a year after the divorce is final is the soonest one is typically ready to date. I'd wait, heck, I've waited this long.
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I don't know about waiting a year for something that isn't solid yet. But I wouldn't mess with him till he's fully divorced. I say that based on how I feel and consider of no better than cheating(as they aren't yet divorced.) I know you are waiting, that is good. But the timeframe is up to you. But a year is a long time to wait doll(out of your life.) But do what makes you happiest, k?
Recommended Posts