Distancing yourself to protect yourself?

[HeavenOrHell]

I think my partner has done this to some extent since we found out last year that he'd be unable to move, it feels like his way of dealing with this situation when we're apart is to close off emotionally to some extent, so that he doesn't feel things too much, doesn't feel our love too much because what's the point in missing someone, it makes you miserable, also felt he invested less in us since then in case we decided not to continue as we couldn't move, I could be wrong but it seems it could be how he manages being LD, unless of course he just doesn't feel as much for me anymore, but when I'm with him I feel it strongly, I felt so loved up and bonded from seeing last week. He said a while ago, after we split up for a bit, his feelings haven't lessened for me.

 

 

He has not referred to us as a couple for the past few months, (although we know we are) he said it takes the stress and pressure off because the situation is not easy, and he doesn't want stress to ruin things again for us (we split cos of the difficulties once before). I think it also stops everyone asking when are you going to move and blah blah.

When we're together he's loving and demonstrative.

It makes it harder for me that he's not demonstrative when apart, although I've adjusted to it.

 

At times I also feel myself wanting space and starting to back off because I don't want to *feel* I'm missing him, I start to put barriers up around my heart, so I don't feel all the difficult, sad or painful stuff which comes with LDR's. Sometimes I don't want the t shirt he leaves me near me, I don't want to feel all loving and soppy if he's not here.

Sometimes I just want to forget him/us and let go for a while and concentrate on life here much more, I'm held back from life here at times because I'm missing him, and that's not good, it's something I'm constantly working on.

I wrote this post as meej mentioned in another thread about distancing herself at times because of struggling with the distance.

 

Anyone else do this, or does their partner? ie want space to protect your heart because it's too much to deal with? I know we have enough space already in our LDR's but we don't have much emotional space do we, they're constantly in our minds, maybe more so than in a local r/ship because you're missing them.

 

I'm finding it hard we can't meet for xmas, won't be able to skype as he's away for 2 days with his family, I feel like he'll be busy and I'll be on my own, it keeps making me feel sad I cry, I don't know when I'm seeing him next.

 

I love him, we love our times together and daily contact, but I'm not sure it's good for me, coming up to 3 years since we first got in touch. But I don't want to let go when I love him, things have been more solid lately between us, unless he's good at pretending. I think of how we are when we're together and I can't let go, mo matter how hard things are.

 

Hard words, but at times it feels like deprivation, the one thing you love the most isn't with you most of the time, it has been a physical pain at times lately.

[meeji]

/hug:bunny:

[meeji]

maybe you should talk to him about how you feel. Tell him what you told us. I can't imagine how it feels knowing that the plans to move have been dropped. I don't know what I would do in that situation but to be honest, you guys have been together for a long time. I would definitely start to wonder where it was going if I was in it. I already told my bf that I need a time frame. We agreed on one but since I've become distant emotionally, I have thought more about the fact that those are really just words. Like with your situation, plans can change any second.

 

I think you should express your concern about his behavioral changes and ask why he acting like that. You should also tell him that the distance is wearing you down but let him know that you don't want to break it off and that you're just being honest about your feelings.

 

Maybe you guys can work on a solution that suits you both. Its tough and I have only been in it for a few months. Man... you are a trooper. I hope something changes for the better.

[amayana]

I know what you mean and I can relate to a certain extent. I'm a sensitive human being by nature and when I love someone I want them around a lot and when they're not I tend to suffer and not just a little bit. Not great for someone who's in a long-distance relationship. But I have good and bad days. And I'm sure you do too!

 

Distancing yourself a little bit from the suffering this LDR causes in order to be able to move on with the rest of your life sounds like a reasonable idea but the more I think about it the more dangerous I find it too. The problem with distancing yourself and putting up certain barriers is that you might just distance yourself too much, if you know what I mean. The reason why you're suffering is because you are attached to your partner. So rather than engaging or communicating less with your partner, you may concentrate more on the attachment that is the actual cause of this suffering. Your partner isn't the cause for this and that's an important detail to keep in mind. It's how you relate to him (and vice versa). So yes, you should distract yourself by doing fun and interesting and new things. Keep yourself occupied. But don't ask your partner for space. It doesn't sound fair to me. And if he's distancing himself from you in that way, it's not very fair from him either.

 

Your partner isn't going to be there forever, you won't be there forever. The love between you won't last forever. And keeping these things in mind will help you to grow a bit less attached and become a bit more grateful for what you have now. Realising that you should take things as they come, live in the Now, instead of worrying about the uncertain future that doesn't even exist yet is absolutely important and it can be applied to anything, even life itself. I know it's hard to appreciate things that are not the way we want them to be but at least we should try.

It's true that not seeing an end to this long-distance relationship must be quite hard on you both but it might help you to keep things in perspective and take things as they come instead of planning on things that may not even work out at all then cause disappointment and suffering.

 

However if you feel that your partner is holding you off from leading an ordinary life, it may be time to move on completely. If you think that the only way for feeling less attached is detaching you from that person completely then you have to do it completely and not just partly because that will never work properly.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks for the replies, I'll respond later.

My message should have said >but when I'm with him I feel it strongly, 'it' being his love for me, I don't feel distanced from him at all when we're together.

 

 

I think my partner has done this to some extent since we found out last year that he'd be unable to move, it feels like his way of dealing with this situation when we're apart is to close off emotionally to some extent, so that he doesn't feel things too much, doesn't feel our love too much because what's the point in missing someone, it makes you miserable, also felt he invested less in us since then in case we decided not to continue as we couldn't move, I could be wrong but it seems it could be how he manages being LD, unless of course he just doesn't feel as much for me anymore, but when I'm with him I feel it strongly, I felt so loved up and bonded from seeing last week. He said a while ago, after we split up for a bit, his feelings haven't lessened for me.

 

 

He has not referred to us as a couple for the past few months, (although we know we are) he said it takes the stress and pressure off because the situation is not easy, and he doesn't want stress to ruin things again for us (we split cos of the difficulties once before). I think it also stops everyone asking when are you going to move and blah blah.

When we're together he's loving and demonstrative.

It makes it harder for me that he's not demonstrative when apart, although I've adjusted to it.

 

At times I also feel myself wanting space and starting to back off because I don't want to *feel* I'm missing him, I start to put barriers up around my heart, so I don't feel all the difficult, sad or painful stuff which comes with LDR's. Sometimes I don't want the t shirt he leaves me near me, I don't want to feel all loving and soppy if he's not here.

Sometimes I just want to forget him/us and let go for a while and concentrate on life here much more, I'm held back from life here at times because I'm missing him, and that's not good, it's something I'm constantly working on.

I wrote this post as meej mentioned in another thread about distancing herself at times because of struggling with the distance.

 

Anyone else do this, or does their partner? ie want space to protect your heart because it's too much to deal with? I know we have enough space already in our LDR's but we don't have much emotional space do we, they're constantly in our minds, maybe more so than in a local r/ship because you're missing them.

 

I'm finding it hard we can't meet for xmas, won't be able to skype as he's away for 2 days with his family, I feel like he'll be busy and I'll be on my own, it keeps making me feel sad I cry, I don't know when I'm seeing him next.

 

I love him, we love our times together and daily contact, but I'm not sure it's good for me, coming up to 3 years since we first got in touch. But I don't want to let go when I love him, things have been more solid lately between us, unless he's good at pretending. I think of how we are when we're together and I can't let go, mo matter how hard things are.

 

Hard words, but at times it feels like deprivation, the one thing you love the most isn't with you most of the time, it has been a physical pain at times lately.

[justwhoiam]

Yes, I think he does... But I'm hopeful it's going better.

[todreaminblue]

I think my partner has done this to some extent since we found out last year that he'd be unable to move, it feels like his way of dealing with this situation when we're apart is to close off emotionally to some extent, so that he doesn't feel things too much, doesn't feel our love too much because what's the point in missing someone, it makes you miserable, also felt he invested less in us since then in case we decided not to continue as we couldn't move, I could be wrong but it seems it could be how he manages being LD, unless of course he just doesn't feel as much for me anymore, but when I'm with him I feel it strongly, I felt so loved up and bonded from seeing last week. He said a while ago, after we split up for a bit, his feelings haven't lessened for me.

 

 

He has not referred to us as a couple for the past few months, (although we know we are) he said it takes the stress and pressure off because the situation is not easy, and he doesn't want stress to ruin things again for us (we split cos of the difficulties once before). I think it also stops everyone asking when are you going to move and blah blah.

When we're together he's loving and demonstrative.

It makes it harder for me that he's not demonstrative when apart, although I've adjusted to it.

 

At times I also feel myself wanting space and starting to back off because I don't want to *feel* I'm missing him, I start to put barriers up around my heart, so I don't feel all the difficult, sad or painful stuff which comes with LDR's. Sometimes I don't want the t shirt he leaves me near me, I don't want to feel all loving and soppy if he's not here.

Sometimes I just want to forget him/us and let go for a while and concentrate on life here much more, I'm held back from life here at times because I'm missing him, and that's not good, it's something I'm constantly working on.

I wrote this post as meej mentioned in another thread about distancing herself at times because of struggling with the distance.

 

Anyone else do this, or does their partner? ie want space to protect your heart because it's too much to deal with? I know we have enough space already in our LDR's but we don't have much emotional space do we, they're constantly in our minds, maybe more so than in a local r/ship because you're missing them.

 

I'm finding it hard we can't meet for xmas, won't be able to skype as he's away for 2 days with his family, I feel like he'll be busy and I'll be on my own, it keeps making me feel sad I cry, I don't know when I'm seeing him next.

 

I love him, we love our times together and daily contact, but I'm not sure it's good for me, coming up to 3 years since we first got in touch. But I don't want to let go when I love him, things have been more solid lately between us, unless he's good at pretending. I think of how we are when we're together and I can't let go, mo matter how hard things are.

 

Hard words, but at times it feels like deprivation, the one thing you love the most isn't with you most of the time, it has been a physical pain at times lately.

 

 

When i have been in a long distance relationship....it has been extremely hard........when i miss someone i miss them deeply......i cant last in a long distance relationship and i moved to be with the guy i was with the majority of the time i followed.....his work took him everywhere...he always came back regularly because of the way i was when we were apart.....when i have distance from someone i have used it to get over a person and it does take a long time for me to get over anyone...years in fact.....

 

 

 

the less i spend with someone the harder my heart has to be just to cope.....i am loving in a relationship with someone who knows me and it takes me a while to know someone....to trust them to feel secure.......and then i am uninhibited.....i do need physical closeness in a relationship....and being in an ldr kills me....i do it...i sacrifice....i put up with it because i know that the person has no choice or it is their dream job or for whatever reason.....

 

 

 

 

but if it came down to money...i would walk interstate to be with the guy i loved..sell everythign and i have left it all behind.....not just once..would walk anywhere....maybe your boyfriend needs physical closeness in his life while in a relationship....i spend a lot of time alone...i dont ask for affection i dont seek it from just anyone...but a partner.....i like to hold and liek to be held back....i get creative in ldrs i do special little things....even when i am broken...i make the person feel good.....but it sorta sucks for m e....some people arent suited to this relationship...i am one..in saying that...if i loved someone i would go through it again.....but i wouldnt choose that.....when i dont see someone....its because i dont want to see them or i am in no contact....i dont like pining.....i understand your boyfriends or part time boyfriends emotions.....i hope that you guys somehow come together.....best wishes....hugs....deb.....