longhornnation Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I want to preface this with I don't want to break up with my girlfriend, but knowing her, I'm afraid this is where it may end up. We moved in together back in the beginning of august and it has been great other than that I've really noticed her spending habits as I get home before she does and I see how often she has ordered expensive things for herself. Normally this wouldn't be a big problem, her money, do what she wants with it, but she has a lot of debt. Over 100k from student loans, 10k in a private loan and about 4.5k in credit card debt. I had no issue with the debt because I assumed she was being responsible about it. She also told me when she gets her tax refund, she'll put half into bills, but the other half on stuff for her. This drives me nuts as this debt will eventually affect me. If she was being responsible I'd be okay, but I have a feeling she won't be responsible enough to my standards. Also she will need a new car soon, we would be paying for a wedding in the future (both sets of parents would chip in, but won't have huge funds to give us) and then kids eventually on top of her payments and then bills; it worries me and this is what I need to talk to her about. So when should i being this up? Now/soon or after the holidays? I don't want to end it, I love her, but if we can't come to terms on how she spends her money until some of these debts are paid off, I don't think it's going to work as I'm worried we'll be stressing for funds for a long time. I know money isn't everything , but I dont want to be stressing and potentially living paycheck to paycheck or having very little money for a rainy day fund or being able to do stuff like dinner out with friends, small trips, etc once in a while. She has a job in law, but not a lawyer just yet; so not bringing in the huge bucks and may never given the over saturation in the market for lawyers. Advice? Should I wait until after the holidays? I hope I'm wrong and we can come to an agreement, but I'm really worried that we won't be able to
Balzac Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 She's in law school? Planning to be in law school? Debt incurred by her prior to the marriage is her debt. You can execute a premarital agreement to address existing debt, create an incentive for her to pay to zero by a specified date. Remedy for all of your concerns is fairly easy to accomplish.
rocketman122 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 She wont change. accept her as she is or move on. if you love her and want to marry her, you will have to accept her with the debt otherwise move on. not bringing in the big bucks..pfff please. and when she does? should she leave you for making more than you?
mammasita Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Talk to her now, why wait? Put your expectations out there and let her know that if she isn't able to, at the very least, meet you half way in changing her spending habits....then run for the hills.
Author longhornnation Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 She's in law school? Planning to be in law school? Debt incurred by her prior to the marriage is her debt. You can execute a premarital agreement to address existing debt, create an incentive for her to pay to zero by a specified date. Remedy for all of your concerns is fairly easy to accomplish. She has passed the Bar...law school is where her debt came from, well most of it I know it is her debt...but it still will affect both of us since if we get married, we'll pretty much share income...even if not...she may not be able to contribute the same amount to bills, wedding, honeymoon, vacations etc...we'd be stretched thin for a while. And then don't get me started on the extra money she has and will waste in interest by dragging her feet on payments She wont change. accept her as she is or move on. if you love her and want to marry her, you will have to accept her with the debt otherwise move on. not bringing in the big bucks..pfff please. and when she does? should she leave you for making more than you? The debt isn't the problem, it is that she doesn't seem to seriously address it that is the problem (she probably could have easily had the credit card paid off over the last 2 years based on tax returns and withholding from buying glamour purchases)...if she makes the big bucks, paying off the debt would be easier, but it is no grantee she ever will be making "the big bucks". Neither of us have issues with her potentially making more than me.
rocketman122 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 The debt isn't the problem, no? you forgot what you write so quickly. you contradict yourself. i cannot take what u say seriously now. This drives me nuts as this debt will eventually affect me. and then kids eventually on top of her payments and then bills
mortensorchid Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 As to how she can get out of debt, these tips may help: 10+ Tips to Help You Get Out of Debt As to you and her, decide if you want to get sucked down into it or not. If the answer is yes then stay with, if the answer is no then you better bail before it affects you so badly.
Author longhornnation Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 no? you forgot what you write so quickly. you contradict yourself. i cannot take what u say seriously now. This drives me nuts as this debt will eventually affect me. and then kids eventually on top of her payments and then bills You just don't get it...had she been seriously working to pay off this debt more of it would be gone, the credit card bill could have been paid off knowing what I know about her finances. So the fact that she seems content making minimum payments, buying expensive stuff every month, there will be higher payments down the road and more money wasted in interest. that is the problem, that she isn't being proactive with her debt. not the debt, but how she is handling the debt is the problem.
DC4 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I don't want to be the bummer, but there's a reason a lot of people say money breaks up relationship/marriages. I'd be beyond impressed if she listened to what you said and had a giant epiphany and suddenly became fiscally responsible.
Oxy Moronovich Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I know it is easier said then done, but I agree with the rest: break up with this broad.
Enema Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It's one reason I just broke up with my gf. She had bad spending habits and loads of debt, no savings. You can't magically make someone change, they have to want to do it on their own without your intervention. Accept that this is how she is and be prepared to demand full control of the household finances, or get out.
firetiger Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I'm not sure what country you live in, but her student loan debt before marriage is not your debt. It is all her responsibility to pay it off. If you love her and are going to marry her, for richer or poorer then you might have to do some things to protect yourself. 1. Don't have a joint savings account. Make it clear that your money is your money and hers is hers to spend any way each pleases. 2. Create a budget for your shared expenses (rent, food, utilities, tv, joint memberships etc.) and agree that you both equitably share in paying for the expenses. You are going to have to prepare to live below your means and I really mean below your means because if she fails to pay and asks you to shoulder then the simplest thing to do is cut the budget to a level that she can pay her half. Cut TV, cut dinners out, cut cut cut. Then if she hates the standard of living, you tell her to be more responsible, stop the frivolous personal spending and put some money into your lives. 3. Delay having kids until she develops her career. She needs to pay down debt, and get a higher salary. Condoms are $1, a baby is a quarter of a million to raise. If you can't afford it, then wait until you can do. If she presses for a baby, show her the truth. Show her it can't be afforded unless she can focus on paying off debt and saving some money. She will either comply or dump. And you'll be better off either way.
charlietheginger Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 It's never ending Once she makes big money as a lawyer She will spend even more money. Her debt will grow and grow.... She will eventually need a husband that makes more money to keep up..... Its truth... Wait you will see....
Author longhornnation Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 Thanks for all the advice, I guess I'll have to go through with the conversation and probably eventual breakup before Christmas as I too am afraid she won't change her ways and I rather not drag this out, sure lonely holidays suck, but better to be done with it as I been really sick to my stomach just thinking about it the last few days when I started thinking about all of this
lovebug1234 Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 you are not wrong at all. have a talk pre holiday. you can try to work on her getting herself under control, unless you feel like being a bank, because her debt is your debt if you marry her.
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