Commitment-phobes! Can't focus on anything else!

[thoughtyouweretheone]

First Post! New to the community!

 

Well first I'd just like to say that without obsessing over this website during more than one breakup, I would be lost. So thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and helping others to not feel alone.

 

I don't want to get into too much detail about my latest relationship becuase there simply isn't enough time in a day to write it all out But i'm sure I'm not alone in having my mind completely occupied day and night about a confusing breakup. This is actually the second time my ex broke up with me. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary. The first breakup was 3 months ago and after a month of arguing and letting him have complete power over the decision-making, we got back together and decided to work on things. We gained better communication and we were happy, but the problems were still there and trust was lost on my side, which ultimately led to the second breakup, which happened 7 days ago, & I am now 7 days NC! we kept contact during our last breakup, but this time I just let him go. The breakup was vague and contradictory. It's like he started a fight out of nowhere just to use it as a way out. He proceeded to tell me:

 

"he didn't want a relationship, he wasn't ready for a serious one, he wanted to be single, he's too selfish to give me what I need, he does't care enough to be with me, right girl wrong time, he doesn't want to get married (just a 2 months before he told me he was going to marry me and have kids with me in 2 years)..blah blah blah

 

After crying hysterically and begging him to stay with me, he blamed his rant on drinking too much that night and apologized and continued to be contradictory, saying:

 

"I want to be with you, I'll spend the holidays with you, I need space, I'm just confused..and he left my house with "we'll talk about it tomorrow."

 

Well tomorrow came, and he had no interest in talking. He's busy with schoolwork & doesn't have time to think about "Us" right now.

 

He tried to use small-talk the day after but refusing to "talk about us" until he is ready.

So I immediately put a stop to it by saying take all the space you need and call me when you're ready to talk about it. He replied with "sounds good" I than said I'm assuming we are broken up because you won't talk to me and he said "I want to talk to you I'm just too busy". SOOO, I said I'll talk to you in a couple weeks and he didn't reply. I went strict NC and he hasn't made any attempt to get in contact since. I'm just really confused. He either got scared of where we were heading & scared of commitment, or he lost feelings for me.

 

I know he loved me very much in our relationship, we talked about our future, and he bought me expensive jewellery and flowers just one week before the split. He's very confused about all areas of his life it seems. It just sucks that it's affecting me so much. I think he wants to live the single life because he's always been in long-term relationships and has been hurt very badly in all of them. I love him very much, but I have other obligations in my life I need to focus on. I am trying to stay positive and move on, but I can't get him out of my head. I don't think there is closure in my near future.

 

Anyone else struggling with a commitment-phobe??

[BUBS]

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. It's obvious your ex is struggling to find himself and handle all of the aspects of his life. When it comes to commitment-phobes I could write the book. My ex fiance is an "over-lapper"... and much like yours he is a big talker. I've been on and off with him for over 10 years, and its really a maturity thing more than anything. I assumed because my ex constantly talked about our future with ease and even seemed to be more sure about it than myself, even proposing to me, that he went cold whenever the going got really tough and things became too stressful, routine, or boring. Most guys and girls that are afraid of commitment don't realize it though, they usually think that they are ready (why else would my ex purchase a 3000 dollar ring, and propose in front of all of our closest family and friends?) ... but when things got routine, stressful and hectic and I actually began trying to plan the wedding was when he got a case of the grass-is-greener syndrome and fell out. It's misleading to the core, especially when they discuss the future with you so nonchalantly only to flip the script right after as if they didn't need to be accountable for their words.

 

My advice to you is to focus on yourself, and to let him wander and do what he needs to do. My ex and I broke up in our teens and were apart for 5 years, and somehow we found our way back to one another, more mature but still not ready... we worked for another 3 years till he broke it off 2 months ago. It's not easy to accept, but the truth is most people who are afraid of commitment, or love and care for someone but fall out of that madly in love feeling and associate it with a problem versus maturing really are just as clueless as you are about what drove them to feel that way. Don't look for answers with him, keep your dignity and respect his wishes no matter how much it hurts, focus on yourself. You deserve 100%, if he isn't willing to really work with you than he is not emotionally capable of having a healthy relationship in my opinion. Give him exactly what he wants, see how much he likes that when you aren't sitting around waiting for him. Good luck and feel better.

[thoughtyouweretheone]

Wow that's gut-wrenching. 10 years is such a long time. I guess I could be happy that this has happened now and not after a proposal. I commend your dedication and the love you must of had for him. I don't regret "wasting my time", fore no time is really wasted. I've learned a lot & have already played the worst outcomes in my mind. I am staying away from people and places that may offer unwanted information until I am stronger. You're right..I am not seeking answers this time, I already know what I need to know, even though he may not. Staying strong!

[lakerman34]

My ex was a commitment-phobe, and that was the main reason why our relationship ended. She insisted that she WANTED to commit, I held on and told her we'd work on it, but what ended up happening was we were both unhappy, wanted very different things (I to settle down and call her my own, her to party and meet other people). I can't blame her though, she was only 19. It takes maturity to commit, something that people in late teens & early twenties don't necessarily have. At that stage in life, they just want to have a good time.

 

If you love the girl/guy and they love you back and are afraid of commitment, I say AT THE VERY LEAST work with them. Set some goals. But if you see it not working (towards the end of the relationship, my ex cheated on me), be prepared to let go. In the movie HEAT, Robert DeNiro's character says something along the lines of 'when you see trouble around the corner, be prepared to drop everything at the blink of an eye.' At such a young age, I agree with this in terms of relationships.

 

I've been dumped before, and have been given womanese reasons for being dumped (the excuse give was not the REAL excuse for the breakup). My ex gave me a 'it's not you, it's me' excuse, and frankly, I commend her because I know it was honest, not some made up BS. Now, we don't talk to each other when we see each other, but we always make brief eye contact. I think we both know that we were great for each other it's just the timing was terrible and the things in our lives were getting in the way (i.e. she has 2 years left of college, I have 2 days, she had sorority, I'm going to South Africa, she lives in Los Angeles, I live in PA). I am over her, and she pretends she's over me (got a boyfriend who dumped her about a week ago), but I don't think she really is. Honestly, I don't expect reconciliation, but I wouldn't be surprised if she makes contact a few years down the line when she's all grown up and can reflect on the relationship.

 

Commitment at such a young age and in college is tough. I always was a relationship-type of guy, but realized that it was a stupid idea to get in a relationship in college. I think the idea of committing to another person should come after 25 years old when both parties are mature and know where they are roughly heading in life. Life always comes first, as I now see b/c of my breakup.

Edited December 11, 2012 by lakerman34

[pathetic1999]

This sounds very similar to what my ex did. Almost begged me to say yes to marry him after a couple of years then once I said yes he freaked out and said wait! I can't do this I'm not ready. Could have knocked me over with a feather! I said but you wanted to get married we can wait! He said no no I don't know what I want I'm confused I'm so confused I love you so much but I'm so confused (as he backed away)...we haven't spoken a word since we broke up seven months ago.

[lovejoy41]

Whenever a relationship is one-sided, there is no trust, and fights are being started out of nowhere, there is a serious problem & it's more than just the alcohol. No relationship is easy but if you've broken up & then you're back together in a few days how does the problem get solved? All he's doing is making promises & behaving long enough to be taken back, then & lo & behold the problems return.

 

There are true commitment phobics & then there are people who are just full of it. I dated a guy for 5 years & he spit the same crap about how he wasn't ready, and then he would turn around and have conversations with me lying in my bed talking about purchasing a home & having a son because he already had 2 daughters.(1 biological&1stepchild by his ex-wife). I had mentioned to him that I didn't want anymore children because I have 2 sons(17&21). So when he brought this up about a son, it gave me hope & I told him only if I was married would I have a tubal ligation reversal to have a child for him. He even told me that he wouldn't mind being married as long as he controlled everything and that I would make a good wife.He said that I was loyal, trust-worthy, that I communicate well, and that I was a sexy, beautiful woman, blah blah blah(as you put it). Right, like I'm going to let him "control" the marriage. That's just crazy! A relationship/marriage should be 50/50. So if he's controlling everything the way he wants & you're letting him, what do you expect??? You're basically a human without a brain to him. A robot. No thoughts or an opinion allowed with him. Basically, he was the biggest future faker with me & I was nothing more to him than a permanent booty call. The first 2 years were great. We were spending tons of time together. Then he meets this Amanda chick in 2008. By 2011 & up until July of 2012 when I dropped his ass I was reduced to seeing him only one night a month, with dinner, drinks, and a hotel night stay. Now I finally know why that was so. I was secretly being discarded. I had been used until he found better(or so he thinks). Stupid me for thinking this man cared about me. I actually loved him! 5 years! It was hard for me not to have caught feelings for him. I wasn't some psycho. This man had me believing we were building a relationship together & every time I asked him about me ending it(after2nd year) he would say that he didn't want me to leave. So, here I was thinking after 5 years he must've been feeling something for me BUT I guess he was feeling his ego & what was in between his legs. When I brought this stuff up to him before breaking it off 5 mos ago, he swore that he never said it. So, not only does he future fake but he likes to make you think you're crazy!

 

The difference is that with me I stopped buying the bull, found my brain & exited stage left! I was an emotional train-wreck after dealing with keith. Damn near insane & he could've cared less, until I left FOR GOOD. Up until July he was distancing, I would chase him for attention(a night out), or I always found myself saying I was going to leave and never doing it, OR he would disappear for a couple of weeks, maybe a month & then out of the blue he would reappear AND act as if nothing had happened& I was foolishly okay with that! Since I dropped him he's texted me 3 times. 8/3, 9/19, AND 11/24 all to which I totally ignored. I am 5 mos no contact to this day& wouldn't think twice about replying to the fool! Bump flowers and "expensive jewelry". This man knows what makes you melt, a pacifier of sorts. If it's material items, that's what he'll do until he's ready for "space" again. He knew how to pacify me too & it worked every time until I got tired of being a keith obsessed zombie. I wanted my own life! He hyped you up about a future with you(kids, marriage in 2 years) but now suddenly he is too busy to talk. smh I say that I don't "WASTE TIME" because games are a waste of time! "If you don't want a relationship", "you want to be single", etc, etc.... then stop with the head games of "I want you but..."I'm confused", "I'm too selfish", "I drank too much". That's bull & pure mind ****ery! The fact that he hasn't contacted you shows you where his head is. He's out doing his thing while you sit at home all screwed up with him on the brain. When he's done "having space", has run out of options, or is tired of being under some other "poor fool of a woman"(Fallback Girl), he'll be blowing up your phone begging you to come home; and you will go. Love is blind, but you have to recognize when you might be dodging a bullet.

 

Funny... I've seen this same story on different sites. I know we all have similar stories but the woman I know does this on random sites. Revolves around 1 man who's played every game a man could play with her. They fight, breakup, she takes him back. I dated the fool for 5 years until I found out that he had this woman living with him. I tried to warn her that this man plays games. That he has women on the side. I was one of them. I had no idea she was living with him, but yet he tells her I was nothing to him. 5YEARS & I was nothing but yet he was telling me that she was just someone he dates as a friend & that he was only providing shelter for her. HA! Right sure she was! And as soon as I found out that she had been in his car & went to Augusta with him to meet the folks... I axed his ass!

 

SOOOO, I will say it again. Men & Women who play these types of games knowing that they are not serious are a "WASTE OF TIME!!!!" Noone deserves to sit on the sideline while their "significant other" continues to play the game. They play, you wait. Healing is a process. No, they don't magically disappear from your head, BUT if you are serious about moving on, you grieve, you get mad, you stick with no contact & move on. With time they disappear from your head & the pain will eventually go away. Or you allow your mind to drive you crazy about him, miss him, grow weak, hunt him down & make contact & your problems start all over again. Furthermore, if he's serious about you & really does love you he will show you by reaching out to you. Keep leaving & going back.... he won't respect you nor will he ever take anything you say seriously.

 

Again, a "waste of time". 5 years and 3 months of that was enough for me! Its his loss. I vanished & have no desire to talk to him since he's made his agenda with me quite clear. If he wants to change he will. Supporting what he's doing right now doesn't give him a reason to overcome this so-called fear. I'm not making excuses for anyone. We all have been hurt by someone, but that doesn't mean that everyone will hurt you. Soooo, if someone dates me for years, celebrates "anniversaries", future fakes, then suddenly wants out.... there is no way I would go back. Why think so much about him when he clearly stated "he doesn't care much enough to be with you". smh Not that Gina didn't say this would happen, because she did. If you've got people trying to tell you about a man even women who dealt with him in the past warning you, but yet you go back, what's the point? I'm sure the "ex" whatever she was may not be a trust-worthy reliable source to you, but heck your own darn family or friends can see when someone's playing games with you. 99% of the time you see it. You just want a reason to not see it. FEAR keeps you going back to the bull. I know because it kept me going back but that's bull too! I know that people are crazy but believe it or not... I've quickly come to find out why this guy was single when I met him. I wish that I'd had someone to warn me in advance. I remember last year my ex husband's gf found me on FB. She asked & after getting over the shock of her contacting me I told her exactly how my ex husband was with me. Not every single detail, but enough. I didn't want him, so she didn't upset me by asking. She contacted me again this year later to tell me that I was right about my ex & that she'd put him out. She regrets that she didn't listen the first time she reached out to me. I had even wished her & him both well. I was already dating keith when this girl contacted me, so trust I didn't want my ex back. So, you see it wasn't me that broke them up, it was him. She kept the info I'd given her to herself & it played out on it's own. I'm not trying to be best friends or anything with these females & I don't want the man... I'm only trying to save the woman from the same hell & heartbreak I experienced with the guy. If the advice is "unwanted", it is what it is. Either you'll stay, ignore it & destroy your self respect OR you will stay, see it AGAIN, tire from trying to make what's not meant to be work, then leave and stay gone. Nobody including some random chick won't have anything to do with it either. All that I can say is that the woman who got screwed over by the new woman's man is always the one who gets the last laugh. Especially after the new woman has gotten her kicks by rubbing the man in the ex's face. I'm just saying.... karma is a bitch.

Edited December 21, 2012 by lovejoy41