jasonbryant798 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I remember a time that my life's diet consisted of hard rock music, alcohol, running, lifting weights, and work. It would seem a lot has changed since those days. Since opening up and slowing down for about a year now, I feel a lot weaker. I feel a lot less masculine, fatter, less power in my arms. I now have a girlfriend that has had sex with me a number of times. According to her now after an unknown epiphany, she wasn't ready and never was even after all of the times we did. It is long distance and she is now consuming me from there, hundreds of miles away by holding this above my head. I think she knows by now what kind of pain it's putting in me and I fear the worst for our relationship. I have cried more in my relationship of 8 months with her than I have ever cried in the past 10 years. She wants me to wait for her to be ready, but there is no longer anything to wait for. Why should I have to wait twice? I apologize if this seems a bit harsh and I am just being brutish and unaccepting but this was my first real relationship. I have never really been into women. Through high school I had one girlfriend of two weeks. That was the only other "official" relationship in my life. I almost want to bring this to a close before something worse happens. I have cuts in my arm from a time when she would not speak to me or realize how much pain I was in when she wouldn't speak to me for an unrelated reason. I begged her constantly for an hour to just say goodnight to me via webcam. Begging..... It took until the point of blood dripping down my arm for her to even realize what condition I was in. Now at even the hint of innuendo, even if none was intended she flinches and becomes upset that I am not understanding where she is coming from. I really hope that I am not typing a lopsided document. I admit I am not the greatest human being in the world. I'm probably a little strange to most standards. Why would you do that to someone though? Why would you make love to them. Look them in the eyes and say I love you in the act and dig your nails into your partners back while whispering in their ear? Then all of the sudden a complete 180 change of heart about making love. I honestly think I need out before something bad happens. Here it comes..... But I love her. I love her a lot and I don't want to leave her. It is just beyond me and I have no f**king clue what is going on in her head. Listening to metal of the past when I was single is literally making me salivate and want to go back to the gym, have a fifth of vodka on my night stand, and go back to working for me and only me. I guess I just need a third party view. Another look from someone completely external.
Downtown Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I have cuts in my arm from a time when she would not speak to me or realize how much pain I was in ..... It took until the point of blood dripping down my arm for her to even realize what condition I was in.Jason, I'm so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. Given that you've been suffering so badly that you started cutting on your own arm, it is important that you see a psychologist -- at least for a visit or two -- to find out how to get relief. Because a psych will be able to help you, it is pointless to be suffering this badly on your own. I therefore strongly urge you to get professional help.
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