kellyp1 Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 So, I have known and dated this guy for 6 months. He has bad breakups in his past and told me it would take time to trust. Anyway, lately he is pulling away, we have not had a night date for 2 months. He has told me numerous times that he feels closer to me than any woman he has ever dated (we are both 33, a few months apart). He is very affectionate, calls every day, takes me to lunch a few times a week and calls me at night but we have not gone out the last 2 months. Other side: he has a lot of issues going on in his life right now. Needs to get a new car (he lives in a bad neighborhood and his car and some of the neighbors cars got torched), is looking to move, has work problems and a legal issue he is dealing with. About 2-1/2 weeks ago I said we should just be friends because he has made time to spend time with his Mom and his friends during these two months (not a lot, but a few times) but has not taken me out at night. He got really upset and asked me to give him a chance that he would make it better. Two weeks went by and still no date. So I got upset last Friday and called him but it went to voice mail. I left a message where I basically said I couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to be with him and be a part of his life and said how could he even consider what we were doing dating when we weren't even going out at night. I ended it saying I wanted to be friends. Saturday, I went to the post office and mailed all of his stuff to his work, because I knew he would get it there. The stuff is stuff I had gotten him that he had left at my house (part of his birthday present and a few shirts - I travel a lot). My friend was telling me that by sending his stuff right away that may have sent the wrong message - like I don't want to talk to him again. Problem: I love this guy. He makes me happy the times we are together. I just felt he needed his space but don't want to send the wrong message by sending his stuff. What should I do now?
uriel Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 The message I think you've sent is, "I just want to be friends. Here's your stuff to show that we're not gf/bf anymore. You won't be sleeping over at my house or spending lots of time here anymore." You haven't told him you don't ever want to talk to him again. If he takes it that way, it's because HE wants an out. If he is really into you, and willing to commit to making you a more regular part of his life, he will contact you. The fact that he was already clearly given this chance before and failed to make the necessary changes means he isn't willing to make that commitment. You haven't overreacted here. You've let him know what you needed in the relationship, and he hasn't given you anything in return except words. Talk is cheap. I'm sorry that you may be losing a guy who made you so happy when you did spend time together. However, you want something more than a good-time guy. You're looking for a relationship. That's not something he seems to be willing to give you. Although he may have many life stresses that are getting in the way, the fact is that if he was psychologically ready for someone in his life at that level, those stresses wouldn't stop him. He'd reach out to you and find comfort together, as he does with his mother and friends. He hasn't let you "in" yet -- not even when you let him know what keeping you on the outside would mean. -- uriel
EC Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 I don't want to sound mean but I think your being selfish. The guy is going through tough times! He calls you everyday and takes you OUT to lunch a FEW times a week and he loves you. You get along great when your with him so what if he doesn't take you out at night all the time. Is it really that important. I don't know about you but I hate going out at night all the time. I'd rather rent a movie w/ my guy and stay on the couch eating microwaved smores! But then again I don't know the whole story but I hear that you love him and he could be doing much worse. Be happy he's not a drug addict or cheating or choosing porn over you like so many people have posted here...He sounds like a good guy I think you overreacted. Just my POV...
Author kellyp1 Posted August 13, 2004 Author Posted August 13, 2004 Actually, coming over for a movie night would have been fine. I should actually say I haven't seen him at night in 2 months. He calls sometimes at night but no dates - not even inside movie dates. I am low maintenance, I don't need to go out all the time either.
Author kellyp1 Posted August 21, 2004 Author Posted August 21, 2004 He came to me and said he wants to make things work. He came over today (saturday) and brought his dog and we hung out for awhile. He said he had really missed me and wants things to happen for us. Thanks for the feedback. I think it was a combination of both responses and we are working on making things better. I just think we are so lucky that it didn't involve some of the issues that other people on this board are trying to overcome! Thanks everyone and good luck!
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