sghffdmc Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 As I sit down to write this post, my mind is moving a million miles per hour. I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I'll start with a summary of basic facts. Dated my ex for 8 months. She was my first love. She broke up with me roughly 2 & 1/2 months ago. It was not a bad break up. Okay, now that you have somewhat of a view of things, I'll go a little deeper now. Obviously, since she was the first girl I had ever truly loved (and I honestly believe that I will love her forever. I've come to the conclusion that once you love someone, you never stop. "Moving on" is actually just burying that feeling deep, far and away so that it's hardly noticeable, but it's always there...but I digress) the break up was extremely painful. At first, I was irrational. I couldn't understand why everything was happening. I had treated her as well as any girl could ever ask to be treated. We had great chemistry -- we were best friends. Why didn't she want to be with me anymore? Then, as time moved on, I distanced myself from the situation and as I began to "bury" my strong feelings for her, I started to view the grand scheme of things in a rational light. We couldn't be together, at least not right now, because the timing just wasn't there. I could go into great detail, but just know the timing was not right. We're at a busy, transitional time in our lives. (graduating from undergrad in April, I'm moving to Atlanta for a job and she's going to Clemson for a graduate assistantship) Over the past 2 months, despite my understanding, there have still been rough moments. However, we still remained as friends and always found a way to get back on good terms. I really did begin to move on (or bury my feelings as I previously stated). I've tried talking to other girls, I've gone out a lot with my friends. But, then Saturday night happened. My ex texted me and asked if I wanted to hang out. In the back of my head, I knew something was up, but I went over to her apartment anyways. We hung out and talked for a few hours before my feeling proved to be accurate. We hooked up and eventually had sex. And strangely enough, it didn't bother me like I thought it would. It's extremely hard for me to explain, but -- everything felt normal and like it used to be, and I could tell my feelings were there, but it's like my mind was preventing them from surfacing. The best way I could describe it was "numb". The next day we both agreed we couldn't do that again, simply because it's not fair to either of us. However, we have continued to hang out each day since then. We both had missed hanging out with each other and just being in each other's company. I've also slept at her place the past 2 nights, but no sex. When talking about what's going on right now, we both don't know what it is. That brings me to where I am now. I can't discuss this with any of my friends, simply because I don't want to be lectured. They don't know the relationship she and I share and no matter how much I explain it to them, their view doesn't change. It's hard to blame them, as from the outside looking in, all they could see was me being hurt. However, I know this girl and I know she's not a bad person. Like I said, the timing was/is not right. She's not ready for a relationship. I know that and understand that. Although I don't want to believe it, I feel like something deep inside me is still holding onto hope for she and I. I guess part of me perhaps feels like if I can at least stay close to her, then just maybe there's a shot for us to workout in the future. But at the same time, the future is so uncertain. Yes, we will only be two hours away from each other over the next 2 years starting this upcoming summer, but who knows where life will take her after that? Am I foolish her hanging out with her again and almost acting like we are in a relationship with no title? Am I being lead on? When she told her best friends what was going on, they all warned her to not hurt me again and to avoid leading me on. She said she knows, but she doesn't think she's leading me on. She's told me that she just knows she missed hanging out with me and she shares something we me that she shares with no one else. She says there are things she can talk about with me that she can't with anyone else. And she also says she has no motivation to meet or pursue other guys. I feel the same way, but for my own sake and being the dumpee, I have tried my best to move on and begin the process of searching for someone new to share a special connection with. Though, at times, I wont like that it has felt almost impossible. I also can't lie to myself -- I know that if at any moment, she said she was ready for a relationship again, I'd jump at the opportunity. I might do so extremely cautiously, but there's no way I'd let it pass me by. But right now...neither of us really know what's going on. What should I do?
Chi townD Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You never "buried" you feelings as you like to put it. You both put up a wall seperating the both of you. Protecting your feelings against each other because you don't want to get hurt by her again. One night, you let that wall come down and you had a night of Ex Sex. Next day, the walls went back up. But, now there's a couple of holes in that you two are looking at each other through and you don't know what to do or what to expect next. It's like you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Am I right?
Author sghffdmc Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 You never "buried" you feelings as you like to put it. You both put up a wall seperating the both of you. Protecting your feelings against each other because you don't want to get hurt by her again. One night, you let that wall come down and you had a night of Ex Sex. Next day, the walls went back up. But, now there's a couple of holes in that you two are looking at each other through and you don't know what to do or what to expect next. It's like you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Am I right? Yeah, I suppose that is a good way of putting it. What would you advise? Honestly, there have been times when I've wished I could just snap my fingers, move on, and erase her from my memory so that I can just be happy with someone else...unfortunately, that of course is not possible.
donitbig Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 I'm right there with, OP. And Chi, you've summarized exactly my thought process.
Author sghffdmc Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 I'm right there with, OP. And Chi, you've summarized exactly my thought process. It sucks, doesn't it? I guess I want to sit her down and figure everything out/what we are, but I don't have the slightest clue how to go about that or what to say.
Samilia Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Well, even though I think that the whole "figuring things out" is a bs excuse, on her part, here is what Id suggest: to figure things out, you need to clear up your head, and to do so, you both need space. That means letting her breath, getting on with your life, at least for now.
donitbig Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 OP, It does suck. You can read my story that I just posted tonight under subject No Contact. I really enjoy her company, but after this past Friday with NC in effect, I've basically come to the conclusion she just wants the sex. Most guys would be thrilled, but I was looking for more from her. One thing I've learned as far as NC is that it really does help in moving on.
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