"I'm not ready for a relationship"

[Kaiten350]

I got back in touch with a girl named Jill last year. We used to be childhood friends and I haven't seen her in over 10 years. Over the last four months, we've been getting a little serious and texting back and forth, phone calls, and she told me last month that she was starting to develop feelings. I told her that I felt the same way and that I wanted to be with her. She basically said "I want to see how you are in person before we go any further."

 

So basically, I flew down to see her this week, and I stayed at her house for an entire week. I gave her space and allowed her time to get to know me, and then at the end of my visit, I confronted her and asked her if she felt anything while spending time with me, and she basically said

 

"I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. It's not you. It's me. I still look at other guys but I try not to put myself out there. There is still stuff I want to do. I don't think I'm ready to commit yet. Maybe in the future. Who knows?"

 

After she told me that, it completely devastated me. I flew back home yesterday and now I don't even know where I stand with her right now. I don't even know what to do with myself. I've been crying non-stop and I feel like somebody just stabbed me in the heart repeatedly. I would honestly give the world for her, but if she claims she doesn't want a relationship, what can I honestly do?

 

I feel like she is hiding something though. Either she doesn't want a relationship with me specifically, or she just doesn't want one all together. It just doesn't make any sense. If she truly didn't want a relationship, then why would she wait until I visited her to tell me something so huge and important? I just don't know what to do at this point. Was I simply not what she expected? I just don't know.

 

She's only 16, and I'm 18, by the way. Hope you guys can provide me some insight. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt so miserable as I am now. Please help me. Thank you so much.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Kaiten350

[clia]

Time for some tough love.

 

I feel like she is hiding something though.

 

She isn't. You should be thankful she was so honest with you and decided not to string you along.

 

Either she doesn't want a relationship with me specifically, or she just doesn't want one all together.

 

It doesn't matter which one is right. All that matters is that she does not want to be with you, and she told you so.

 

If she truly didn't want a relationship, then why would she wait until I visited her to tell me something so huge and important? I just don't know what to do at this point. Was I simply not what she expected? I just don't know.

 

It could be that you weren't what she remembered, or that after spending time with you she decided she wasn't interested in you. This happens all the time in dating! It's why people spend years dating around trying to find the right person. The "why" really doesn't matter -- only her conclusion matters.

 

She's only 16, and I'm 18, by the way. Hope you guys can provide me some insight. I honestly don't remember the last time I felt so miserable as I am now. Please help me. Thank you so much.

 

You are young! Although you are heartbroken now, I promise you will get over this. You will find a wonderful girl who will love you more than anything! I swear to God. Don't waste another second worrying or wondering why this girl didn't want you -- go out and find a girl who does.

[Carenth]

She doesn't feel the same way and she let you down gently, she may genuinely not want a relationship as well. Either way it's out of your hands now when someone tells you that you just have to take it at face value and accept that they don't want a relationship, it may be that they don't want a relationship with you or with anyone.

 

At the end of the day those small details don't matter you just have to take it on the chin, pick yourself up and move on and eventually you will find someone who does want a relationship with you. You are young and I know it might seem like the worst thing ever atm but you will heal from this and you will fall for someone else.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this, try to focus on things that are fun for you hang out with people who care about you, your family and friends.

[FitChick]

You last saw her when she was 6 and you were 8. You don't think you both have changed since then?

[Kaiten350]

She doesn't feel the same way and she let you down gently, she may genuinely not want a relationship as well. Either way it's out of your hands now when someone tells you that you just have to take it at face value and accept that they don't want a relationship, it may be that they don't want a relationship with you or with anyone.

 

At the end of the day those small details don't matter you just have to take it on the chin, pick yourself up and move on and eventually you will find someone who does want a relationship with you. You are young and I know it might seem like the worst thing ever atm but you will heal from this and you will fall for someone else.

 

Don't beat yourself up over this, try to focus on things that are fun for you hang out with people who care about you, your family and friends.

 

Thank you so much.. I feel like the reason why I'm obsessing over the small details is because I'm desperate for hope and trying to figure out if there is anything left that I can salvage.. Is it entirely hopeless for me? Is there nothing I can do to make her want to be with me? I have such a kind heart and I just want to love her, more than anything. I said goodbye to her last night as I left her house, and I got a chance to hold her in my arms for a good 15 seconds and I didn't want to let go. I wanted.. time to come to a halt, so I can remain in her arms forever. It was.. so memorable. So beautiful. I am such a sucker..

[carhill]

"I'm not ready for a relationship"

 

With you.

 

Ha, Grez beat me to it

[Kaiten350]

Time for some tough love.

 

It doesn't matter which one is right. All that matters is that she does not want to be with you, and she told you so.

 

But if I knew what I did wrong, I could maybe... fix things? Or fix myself for her?

[TheZebra]

Be grateful that she was open and honest with you about her feelings. Many women/men wouldn't even hint at what she told you and would instead leave you wondering.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't openly engage her in any more conversation. If she says she doesn't want you for who you are, are you really going to change every detail about yourself to be with this person? Thank her for her honesty and leave it be.

 

And to answer your questions, she didn't know how you'd be in person. After you met, something wasn't right for her; be it lack of chemistry/compatibility or whatever else she decided on. If she really didn't want a relationship with ANYONE then she would never have invited you over. There's nothing wrong with you - she just didn't see you as her type.

Edited December 11, 2012 by TheZebra

[Kaiten350]

Be grateful that she was open and honest with you about her feelings. Many women/men wouldn't even hint at what she told you and would instead leave you wondering.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't openly engage her in any more conversation. If she says she doesn't want you for who you are, are you really going to change every detail about yourself to be with this person? Thank her for her honesty and leave it be.

 

And to answer your questions, she didn't know how you'd be in person. After you met, something wasn't right for her; be it lack of chemistry/compatibility or whatever else she decided on. If she really didn't want a relationship with ANYONE then she would never have invited you over. There's nothing wrong with you - she just didn't see you as her type.

 

But.. I don't think me being her type was the issue. She said she was extremely physically attracted to me. Well, at least attracted to the way I looked in my pictures.

 

One thing I would like to mention is.. The first day when I got to her house, she told her brother she didn't find me attractive in person because I didn't look as good as I did in my photo's, but as the days progressed, she started to get used to how I actually look in real life and started becoming attracted to me apparently. That's how she explained it to me at least.

 

I really don't know what the issue is. The day I confronted her, her brother was there with me. And he asked her "You think he has a good personality right? You think he's good looking right? So what more do you want"?

 

So.. Either she isn't attracted to me, or she simply doesn't want a relationship. It's one or the other really. I just want to know the truth and I think I might call her in a few days and ask her what the real situation is.. I just need some kind of closure. I can't let this go .

Edited December 11, 2012 by Kaiten350

[Kaiten350]

You know what the worst part about all of this is? Not the pain I'm experiencing right now. But the memories. The late night phone calls. The inside jokes I have with her. The way I make her laugh. The little things that made me fall for her. I will never be able to have any of that back again.

 

Knowing that all the good times you had with a certain person, just will never be the same. How do you even begin to come to terms with that.. I don't know. I don't know if I have the strength this time around. I don't know if I can stay strong.

 

Her text messages, her phone calls, I would be excited to wake up in the morning to see them. To hear her voice. To see those cute texts she would leave me. Our long phone conversations until we both pass out. How can I even begin to fathom letting go of all that.

 

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. She was the only person who got me excited to get out of bed in the morning. Now all that has been taken away from me. I have nothing left. I'm all alone again and I feel the walls closing in. I feel so consumed by anguish right now. Everything I love.. gets taken away from me.

[edgygirl]

oh the beauty of being young and passionate.

 

Believe me - you'll have 20+, 50+ relationships in the next 10 years and you might feel the same about a few of them. Life evolves. We always feel like we can't live without someone. And... bam! We find someone else who we can live without. You'll survive... and remember it with cherish. You'll be okay.

 

You'll meet dozens of other girls who will make your heart skip a beat, although it doesn't seem like that now.

 

And there's nothing wrong with you. I've rejected guys who I felt were good looking, charming, intelligent... because there was no chemistry (they were either not my type or not what I look for, or whatever). Sometimes you meet someone, think they're great but you're not into them.

 

You know what the worst part about all of this is? Not the pain I'm experiencing right now. But the memories. The late night phone calls. The inside jokes I have with her. The way I make her laugh. The little things that made me fall for her. I will never be able to have any of that back again.

 

Knowing that all the good times you had with a certain person, just will never be the same. How do you even begin to come to terms with that.. I don't know. I don't know if I have the strength this time around. I don't know if I can stay strong.

 

Her text messages, her phone calls, I would be excited to wake up in the morning to see them. To hear her voice. To see those cute texts she would leave me. Our long phone conversations until we both pass out. How can I even begin to fathom letting go of all that.

 

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. She was the only person who got me excited to get out of bed in the morning. Now all that has been taken away from me. I have nothing left. I'm all alone again and I feel the walls closing in. I feel so consumed by anguish right now. Everything I love.. gets taken away from me.

[carhill]

Yeah, then there's the statutory rape aspect, dependent upon jurisdiction...... presuming the OP was successful and sexual. TBH, IMO, at that age, this dynamic isn't even worth five posts.

[Eternal Sunshine]

All I have to say is this:

 

The **** is wrong with you son?

[soccerrprp]

Ugh, got this "I'm not ready for a relationship." line once...it turned out it was true. She wasn't ready for one and I went NC for two months. She contacted me and we've been together since. Based on her history, I understood and she's more open to a relationship.

[phineas]

Ugh, got this "I'm not ready for a relationship." line once...it turned out it was true. She wasn't ready for one and I went NC for two months. She contacted me and we've been together since. Based on her history, I understood and she's more open to a relationship.

 

Well good it worked out for you.

But i've never met a woman who meant it.

They all wound up with someone else relatively quickly.

[TheFinalWord]

Well good it worked out for you.

But i've never met a woman who meant it.

They all wound up with someone else relatively quickly.

 

That's what I was going to say...another poster said "they leave you wondering"...just wait a month, check their facebook and you will see a profile pic with new bf/gf

 

But this is more of an excuse adults use. These are kids and the girl here is actually pretty wise. Yeah, she lead the poor lad on a bit, but she is right. Very unlikely that any thing in their age range is going to last. It does happen, I have one friend that is high school sweet heart, but extremely rare. Both will go off to college or career and change a lot over the next 5 to 10 years.

[Kaiten350]

So are you guys basically saying that there is pretty much nothing to salvage at this point? I have no chance? :/

Edited December 12, 2012 by Kaiten350

[Radu]

Well good it worked out for you.

But i've never met a woman who meant it.

They all wound up with someone else relatively quickly.

 

There's wisdom here.

Plus the fact that she led you a bit OP.

 

Forget her, get over it ... find someone else ... less staturoish.

 

So are you guys basically saying that there is pretty much nothing to salvage at this point? I have no chance? :/

 

Yes, and what you are doing right now is counterproductive.

Most women [girls] need to respect the guy to love him.

Moping about, crying over spilled milk, begging and pleading are all counterproductive and will only reinforce her opinion.

 

Best thing you can do right now is go NC with her, find some other gal, interesting one, good looking, etc ... and have some fun with her.

If she was trully playing the field and chose the better option she will try to get back with you if she notices you found someone that she perceives as better than her or just as good [it increases your value in her eyes].

If she trully meant what she said, than she might not bother you.

 

Be warned though, the former of those 2 options means that this girl is a games player, and that long term and at her age will only cause you heartache.

Edited December 12, 2012 by Radu

[Kaiten350]

There's wisdom here.

Plus the fact that she led you a bit OP.

 

Forget her, get over it ... find someone else ... less staturoish.

 

Yes, and what you are doing right now is counterproductive.

Most women [girls] need to respect the guy to love him.

Moping about, crying over spilled milk, begging and pleading are all counterproductive and will only reinforce her opinion.

 

 

I understand. Can I just clarify something at least? The reason why it's so difficult for me to let go of her is because it's very difficult for me to meet somebody new. The last girl that I liked and had a relationship was over 2+ years ago. It's very rare for me to meet somebody new, that I genuinely like and feel the desire to have a relationship with. I just have nobody else. Since my last girlfriend, I've spent the last few years alone and I spent so much time working on myself as a person, and I waited and waited till I met somebody new, and this girl came along and I got turned down all over again. It never seems to end. I have so much to offer as a person, yet nobody is willing to give me a chance to show them. I am not as strong as I like to think I am. It's just.. I didn't want things to end this way. I just wanted to be with her. I never thought I'd find myself in this position again.

[Radu]

Don't obsess over finding a 'girlfriend' in the relationship sense.

For one, it adds pressure and also ... it might make this girl look like a better option than she really is.

 

I had the same problem with you up to about 25, i lose my virginity at that age.

Then came 2 miserable yrs where i grasped at straws and ended up in 3 very bad relationships because i felt that i could not do better.

Finally when i got my confidence and i just focused on meeting them, talking to them as if they are normal ppl and not potential romantic interests i got better options.

 

See, that's what it came down in my case and what it comes down in your case as well ... options.

Now you feel like you have very few.

That is the enemy you must fight.

[Kaiten350]

Don't obsess over finding a 'girlfriend' in the relationship sense.

For one, it adds pressure and also ... it might make this girl look like a better option than she really is.

 

I had the same problem with you up to about 25, i lose my virginity at that age.

Then came 2 miserable yrs where i grasped at straws and ended up in 3 very bad relationships because i felt that i could not do better.

Finally when i got my confidence and i just focused on meeting them, talking to them as if they are normal ppl and not potential romantic interests i got better options.

 

See, that's what it came down in my case and what it comes down in your case as well ... options.

Now you feel like you have very few.

That is the enemy you must fight.

 

Yeah.. Basically what you're saying is true.. I have no options. I have nobody else. It's always just me and my demons. That's why when I find a girl, I become so happy. I feel like the world is giving me another chance to redeem myself. But sadly.. things continue to fail and never work out. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing at this point honestly. I have worked for years on improving my physical attributes, my personality, I found a stable job, etc, and yet I am still undesirable to the girls I love and want to be with. I just question whether or not I'll ever be enough for anybody in this world. Everybody tells me that I'm such a "catch", yet why is it the one girl that I do want to be with, doesn't want me? I know that I'm still young but I wish things weren't so difficult. I wish the world were a little kinder. A little more forgiving to me.

 

Honestly, I know that I will probably get over this girl, but that doesn't necessarily mean I want too. Absolutely not. I would give anything to be with her right now, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. Reality sets in, and reminds me that I'm just.. no good for anyone. I don't think she'll ever understand how much I feel about her. How much I truly care and how much I value her. I would do anything for her, but I will always remain just another friend to her. Never given a chance to love her. It is terribly painful but I guess I have to somehow accept what's done is done..

[FitChick]

Become successful and it will give you more confidence and prestige. Put all of your energy into that. Make a five-year plan, a list of goals, and as you reach them, cross them off. You will become more confident and proud of yourself and that is what healthy women are drawn to.

[thatone]

I understand. Can I just clarify something at least? The reason why it's so difficult for me to let go of her is because it's very difficult for me to meet somebody new. The last girl that I liked and had a relationship was over 2+ years ago. It's very rare for me to meet somebody new, that I genuinely like and feel the desire to have a relationship with. I just have nobody else. Since my last girlfriend, I've spent the last few years alone and I spent so much time working on myself as a person, and I waited and waited till I met somebody new, and this girl came along and I got turned down all over again. It never seems to end. I have so much to offer as a person, yet nobody is willing to give me a chance to show them. I am not as strong as I like to think I am. It's just.. I didn't want things to end this way. I just wanted to be with her. I never thought I'd find myself in this position again.

 

and guess what, you'll get rejected again in the future, this isn't the last time.

 

so what?

 

your problem is obsessing over women you haven't even got yet. STOP DOING THAT.

 

go hit the bars, approach a half dozen women a day, have a one night stand, have a FWB, get tired of that and go meet a girl at the book store, have a 6 month fling based around your weird sexual fetish about girls with glasses and sweaters, when she dumps you go back to the bar, have another one night stand, then bump into your future wife at the grocery store.

 

that's how it happens, it's called life. go live it and stop whining.

[phineas]

There's wisdom here.

Plus the fact that she led you a bit OP.

 

Forget her, get over it ... find someone else ... less staturoish.

 

I really hate to harp on this but I heard it a lot when I was overweight.

Followed by them wanting to hang out as friends afterword.

 

I haven't seen it since I got in shape.

[Princess71]

But is that line ever true? What about for men? Can it be true when men say it?can there ever be a time in someone's life where they don't want a relationship despite meeting someone they like??