Genuinely Crazy Ex

[AMusing]

Hey all, I need some advice. Ready for a lengthy tabloid-esque story?

 

About a year ago, I ended a tumultuous, unhealthy relationship with a guy I'd been on-and-off with for about 2 years (we were "off" during more of those 2 years than we were "on"). For ~8 months after the final break-up, he kept up some pretty crazy behavior. I'm ashamed to admit, I let him get away with his crazy ****, mostly because I was afraid of him. I didn't realize how afraid of him I was until after I'd stepped back, but it is completely clear now. Basically, I let him ruin my life until August (chasing away potential dates, threatening to tell secrets/lies about me to family/friends to the point I became quite isolated, etc). Then, in August, I finally found the courage to tell him I needed to stop all contact with him.

 

He went COMPLETELY insane for about 6 weeks. Beyond anything I've ever seen, much less lived through. Over these last 3 months he's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; so when I say crazy, I mean genuinely crazy.

 

The good: For the last 2 months or so, things have calmed down substantially. He no longer comes to my house (after following through on a threat to call the police if he ever showed up again). He's been blocked from my phone, and has quit trying to use different numbers to call me. He even went a full week without contacting me at all once (~3 weeks ago)!

 

The bad: He still emails me quite a bit. It's infinitely less than he had been, but I just counted 123 emails he's sent in the last month (and one of those weeks was the week he didn't email me at all). And no, I'm not encouraging the emails. While I'll admit I was not strong or to the point up until three months ago, since then I have made it VERY clear I want nothing to do with him (the 123 emails is actually huge progress; he used to send upwards of 50-100 per day). He was waiting at my car last Friday after work with an orchid, hoping to talk. Before I could make it to my car, he asked me to marry him (Seriously. Even when we were "together" he refused to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. Now, a year after breaking up, he wants to marry me?!?). I got into my car & drove away. In two months, he's shown up to my office ~4 times (whereas before, it was 2-3 times a day, even though I'd refuse to open my office door).

 

So... basically, the crazy has been reduced but not eliminated. Which leads me to two questions for you lovely LS'ers:

 

First, has anyone had experience keeping a BPD ex away from you? Did he/she ever go away willingly?

 

Second, I'd really like to start dating again. I don't want my ex's bull**** to keep me from living my life, and after extensive work with a therapist I feel like I'm in a good place, even though my ex clearly isn't. But, I'm afraid it wouldn't be fair to a new guy to bring him into this mess, would it?

 

And if I did start dating, when would I have to tell a new guy about this psycho ex? Someone talking about a "crazy" ex is usually a red flag, but in my case, he genuinely is crazy and I feel like I should warn a guy about him before we were to get serious. So, how can I balance moving forward with my life and dealing with this ****ing ex?

[veggirl]

UHHHH he is stalking you. Why have you not called the police?! Showing up at your office 2-3x a DAY?! Sorry but yes you've allowed this to continue by not doing anything about it. Tell him you are going to call the police the next time he shows up! Holy crap.

[AMusing]

Ah, to clarify, I have contacted the police. That's one of the biggest reasons his actions were reduced about two months ago.

 

Our bosses (oh yes, he works in the same department as I do, which adds to this insanity) also know about what he's been doing, although he doesn't know they know.

[Drseussgrrl]

I had an ex like this and got a restraining order. Seriously do it. There is no reason for someone to have such control over your life and your emotions because they can't get their sh*t together.

 

This is scary stuff and you need to take legal action to protect yourself. Once he suspects a new guy trust me, it will get MUCH WORSE.

[Ami1uwant]

Ah, to clarify, I have contacted the police. That's one of the biggest reasons his actions were reduced about two months ago.

 

Our bosses (oh yes, he works in the same department as I do, which adds to this insanity) also know about what he's been doing, although he doesn't know they know.

 

Do you understand what bordeline personality disorder is? I bet not...so dont call him crazy.

 

 

 

Have you ever talked to him...not just small talk or blow him off?

[pbjbear]

Good for you for going to therapy!

 

I dont know any woman who dated a BPD man but I have a male friend who dated a BPD woman for a good amount of time and she did similar things to what you described.

 

What helped him was he read all about BPD and completely cut her off from his life. It wasnt easy for him because he cared for her but she gradually tapered away. She only really let go when she found another guy to do this to...

 

I would not tell future guys that your ex is crazy. To me, when a guy Im dating says something like that this is what I think (keep in mind Ive dated alot though...)

 

1) Shes not crazy- he just wasnt into her and is labeling normal behavior dramatically

2) He talks **** about all of his exes

3) Will he say that about me if I do something he doesnt like?

4) He might be overcompensating and still like her

 

I have found men that say their exes are crazy rarely have crazy exes. So avoid using that word. You can however, tell future guys that your ex has BPD and describe the disorder to them. If they think he is crazy based on that diagnosis, let them think that

[AMusing]

I've read a great deal about BPD. I've also talked about it extensively with my therapist (who I began seeing to help me get away from this guy) as well as with a friend who is an MD/PhD in psychiatry and neuroscience.

 

While calling someone "crazy" is neither scientific nor professional, I wasn't trying to be either. I was trying to paint a quick picture of what my life has been like with my ex. Too many people label an ex "crazy" simply because they didn't like their behavior; I was trying to make it very clear that this is not one of those cases. So you can be upset at me for not being PC or sensitive towards other people with BPD, but don't assume I don't know what the disorder is all about.

 

And of course I tried talking to him. I tried to rationalize and talk with him for 8 months after we broke up. He refused to listen to what I was telling him, and things never improved. Then after I told him I needed to end all contact with him, I tried to be very calm, understanding, and talk things through for 6 more weeks. Throughout this time I was always extremely clear that I had no interest in dating him anymore, but I still tried to be forgiving of his (very) bad behavior. And the behavior only got worse. The stress made me lose 10lbs (putting me well into an "underweight" BMI). My hair was falling out in chunks. I couldn't sleep, my work productivity was nearly nil, and my social life ground to a halt.

 

Finally, he came to my house late one night unannounced and wouldn't leave despite numerous warnings that I would call the police if he didn't leave. He wouldn't go, so I called the cops. That was when I realized that there was no rationalizing with him, and I had to save myself.

[AMusing]

Thanks for the insight pbjbear. I'll be careful with actually labeling him "crazy" since that clearly seems to strike a nerve. So, would you think it'd be fair for me to start dating again? Fair to the new guy, that is. And if so, when would you recommend telling him about my BPD (NOT "crazy" ) ex? Sooner than later, or wait for him to start asking about past relationships?