To tell wife or not to tell?

[neveragain34]

On Friday night, I finally caved after two weeks of NC and spent the

entire weekend with my MM. I was happy to be with him at first, but

soon after things felt so different; he was distant and showing

suspicious behavior. In the past, I saw craigslist “personals”

history on his computer and he said he looks on there for fun and good

laughs. (Stupidly, I believed him at that time.) As a test, last

night I created a fake email address and posted an ad on CL under

“women seeking men”. Sure enough, he responded to my fake ad!! Ugh.

I’m so disgusted and want nothing to do with him anymore. This is

exactly what I needed to move on! He doesn’t know yet that I did this

and I am acting as normal as possible until I think through what I

want to do with this info. He even just texted now to say I love you.

I want to puke! He is so pathetic and a sorry excuse for a man.

 

The advice I need, is do I tell his wife about craigslist and about

me? I never wanted to tell her about us before because I am not a vengeful

person, nor do I want to be the cause of breaking up a family. Now I

realize, I am NOT the cause and he has obviously been down this path several

times and I somehow got sucked into his lies and manipulation. I used

to envy this woman and wanted to be her, but now I just feel sorry for

her because she is stuck with this pig for the rest of her life. Both

of us can do so much better. I also didn’t want to tell her out of

fear of retaliation from him. You never know what a person could do

to you in a situation like this if angry enough. He may reveal

certain photos of me that are private (although I’m sure he deleted

them to hide evidence, but you never know), he knows where I work and

live, he can tell my family about our affair, etc. However, since he

is looking for sex on Craigslist, I feel somewhat obligated to let his

wife know. There’s no telling what kind of people he can meet on

there and bring diseases home to her. (I am getting tested again

tomorrow by the way.)

 

I really need advice here! If I do tell her, should I do it

anonymously? I was thinking of forwarding the email to her in which

he responded to the CL ad, but he might catch on that I am behind it.

 

Does she deserve to know or should I just let him go on like this,

meeting women from CL and then going home to her, possibly with STDs

someday? (In case you missed my last posts, she lives 8 hours away

while he is in the military so it’s easier for him to cheat than

most.)

 

Please help! I have learned my lesson and know it was wrong to stay with him after finding out he was married (he said he was divorced when we met); don’t want lectures or judgment right now, just

straightforward advice on whether to tell wife and how to tell her.

Thanks!

[Pierre]

Yes, tell her.

 

She needs to know this man is a POS. At least you have the info because you are more alert to cheating. However, the wife may be completely innocent and oblivious to the cheating.

 

Were you surprised to discover he was a cheater?

[veryhappy]

Good for you for going with your gut.

 

I would definitely encourage you to let her know somehow, because the std risk he's exposing her to is insane.

 

Can you simply send her a link or a print of his online posts? Along with the advice of trying to have proof before confronting him. I'd stay anonymous if there's a way. No sense to mess up your life for such a low life, but do find a way to warn the BW.

[wheream_i]

On Friday night, I finally caved after two weeks of NC and spent the

entire weekend with my MM. I was happy to be with him at first, but

soon after things felt so different; he was distant and showing

suspicious behavior. In the past, I saw craigslist “personals”

history on his computer and he said he looks on there for fun and good

laughs. (Stupidly, I believed him at that time.) As a test, last

night I created a fake email address and posted an ad on CL under

“women seeking men”. Sure enough, he responded to my fake ad!! Ugh.

I’m so disgusted and want nothing to do with him anymore. This is

exactly what I needed to move on! He doesn’t know yet that I did this

and I am acting as normal as possible until I think through what I

want to do with this info. He even just texted now to say I love you.

I want to puke! He is so pathetic and a sorry excuse for a man.

 

The advice I need, is do I tell his wife about craigslist and about

me? I never wanted to tell her about us before because I am not a vengeful

person, nor do I want to be the cause of breaking up a family. Now I

realize, I am NOT the cause and he has obviously been down this path several

times and I somehow got sucked into his lies and manipulation. I used

to envy this woman and wanted to be her, but now I just feel sorry for

her because she is stuck with this pig for the rest of her life. Both

of us can do so much better. I also didn’t want to tell her out of

fear of retaliation from him. You never know what a person could do

to you in a situation like this if angry enough. He may reveal

certain photos of me that are private (although I’m sure he deleted

them to hide evidence, but you never know), he knows where I work and

live, he can tell my family about our affair, etc. However, since he

is looking for sex on Craigslist, I feel somewhat obligated to let his

wife know. There’s no telling what kind of people he can meet on

there and bring diseases home to her. (I am getting tested again

tomorrow by the way.)

 

I really need advice here! If I do tell her, should I do it

anonymously? I was thinking of forwarding the email to her in which

he responded to the CL ad, but he might catch on that I am behind it.

 

Does she deserve to know or should I just let him go on like this,

meeting women from CL and then going home to her, possibly with STDs

someday? (In case you missed my last posts, she lives 8 hours away

while he is in the military so it’s easier for him to cheat than

most.)

 

Please help! I have learned my lesson and know it was wrong to stay with him after finding out he was married (he said he was divorced when we met); don’t want lectures or judgment right now, just

straightforward advice on whether to tell wife and how to tell her.

Thanks!

 

Yeah, he's the disgusting one, totally. The only reason you're now thinking about telling his wife is because, aside from her, you found out you're not his one and only. Grow up and move on. What do you care if he brings STD's home to his wife? Where were your feelings for her when you were banging him even after you found out he was married? All of a sudden you care about her? Do you expect her to thank you and give you a big hug for outing him? If you learned your lesson, then let that CL ad be lesson enough about the kind of man he is and just walk away. You're just jealous is all.

[KraftDinner]

I don't for a second believe your intentions are altruistic...but having said that, tell his wife.

 

She absolutely deserves to know.

 

Definitely tell her. The poor woman, saddled with a disgusting serial cheater. What a lying, cheating bastard.

 

Tell her. And then STAY AWAY from married men, please.

[neveragain34]

Yes she should know. Question, why didn't she deserve to know before now as he was with you?

 

Because like most OW, I fell for all the lies and bs that MM feed you. He made me believe that I was different and special and he was miserable in his marriage and was finding the right time to leave. He said he couldn't wait till the day we could really be together. I was dumb. That's why. I didn't know this was a regular thing for him. I truly believed he loved me and now I know I was just another filler for him.

 

Again, just wanted advice regarding what I know now. Not the past or my actions.

[wheream_i]

Because like most OW, I fell for all the lies and bs that MM feed you. He made me believe that I was different and special and he was miserable in his marriage and was finding the right time to leave. He said he couldn't wait till the day we could really be together. I was dumb. That's why. I didn't know this was a regular thing for him. I truly believed he loved me and now I know I was just another filler for him.

 

Again, just wanted advice regarding what I know now. Not the past or my actions.

 

Neveragain, I do apologize if I came off sounding like I was judging you when your original post stated to withhold any judgment and just give you advice. I, myself, have been that man you are describing and I have also been in your shoes, only without the marriage involved.

[suki1]

Normally I'd say no, but in this case definatley yes. Eventually someone will tell her and it would be better coming from you (if presented sensitively) than from a doctor telling her she has a disease, or some other woman who delivers it in a less gentle fashion perhaps. I get that she lives a long way away so doing it face to face is less easy. Maybe a phone call followed by an email with a link to her husband's craigslist profile? (I assume they have those, never been on that particular site) Plus maybe any other evidence.

 

It will be hard. She might not believe you. He might bamboozle her. But at least you can leave with a clear conscience and also we hope clear test results. Even if she doesn't believe you now, one day she might see or hear something that makes her question and then even if she doesn't say it to you, she may thank you for telling her.

 

Good luck, everyone here will support you through this

[neveragain34]

Yeah, he's the disgusting one, totally. The only reason you're now thinking about telling his wife is because, aside from her, you found out you're not his one and only. Grow up and move on. What do you care if he brings STD's home to his wife? Where were your feelings for her when you were banging him even after you found out he was married? All of a sudden you care about her? Do you expect her to thank you and give you a big hug for outing him? If you learned your lesson, then let that CL ad be lesson enough about the kind of man he is and just walk away. You're just jealous is all.

 

Jealous? Trust me, I don't want her life at all right now. I used to be jealous, now I am wide awake and realizing he's no prize. I was in a fog before and never thought of her feelings and innocence in all of this. If you've been in my shoes, you know how easy it is to loose sight of everything and become a different person. I don't expect a thank you. I just want to do whats right now that I know who he really is. I am owning up to my mistake and asked for no lectures or judgement.

[skywriter]

Because like most OW, I fell for all the lies and bs that MM feed you. He made me believe that I was different and special and he was miserable in his marriage and was finding the right time to leave. He said he couldn't wait till the day we could really be together. I was dumb. That's why. I didn't know this was a regular thing for him. I truly believed he loved me and now I know I was just another filler for him.

 

Again, just wanted advice regarding what I know now. Not the past or my actions.

 

Neveragain34,

 

You like many of us FOW, realise the mistakes but as usual, you will have those that feel the need to throw it out there and call it support.

 

Look past it and appreciate the helpful responses. Seeing as how I tried to tell the W and it didn't get recieved well. I'd say, send the info anonymously. I do believe she needs to know, for the std risk.

 

It also could be that she already realises what he's doing and turns a blind eye. That was the case with the W of the MM that I was involved with.

 

Just do what you feel most comfortable with and get your healing started.

[Realist3]

I think you should be consistent in whatever decision you make.

 

Obviously, you felt it wasn't your business to tell her when it was you he was cheating with so I'm not sure what the big difference is now.

 

But, if you do decide to tell her, then you probably should tell about your A, because one email response to a CL ad is not going to be much proof. It may prove intent to cheat, but it will not prove cheating. Likely he will be able to talk his way out of it. With her being 8 hours a way it won't change a thing in regards to his behavior. Mission un-accomplished.

 

So the question is whether you are prepared to involve yourself with his relationship with his wife and all that entails?

 

 

If I were you, I would email him his response to your ad saying, "I really enjoyed our last contact." And then never have contact again.

Edited December 11, 2012 by Realist3

[nofool4u]

The advice I need, is do I tell his wife about craigslist and about

me? I never wanted to tell her about us before because I am not a vengeful

person, nor do I want to be the cause of breaking up a family. Now I

realize, I am NOT the cause and he has obviously been down this path several

times and I somehow got sucked into his lies and manipulation.

 

If you want to tell his wife, tell her, as she deserves to know she is married to a cheating jackass.

 

But don't do so thinking after all this time its because you were somehow tricked into bedding down a married man. You knew what you were doing and the fact he has done it before is irrelevant as to why to tell her.

 

Because if it weren't for women such as yourself willing to be with a MM, then the MM can't do what they do. And no, I'm not saying MM isn't the main problem. He most certainly is and needs to face the consequences of his actions.

 

So tell her, but don't do it because you don't think you aren't part of the problem, because you most definitely are.

 

 

I used to envy this woman and wanted to be her, but now I just feel sorry for

her because she is stuck with this pig for the rest of her life.

 

Well you should have known he was a pig even before you found out about craigslist if he was willing to cheat on his wife with you.

 

 

I really need advice here! If I do tell her, should I do it

anonymously?

 

You could, but then there is the chance of him being able to say its someone simply trying to cause trouble.

 

Besides, you had the guts to bed down her husband, have the guts to tell her face to face, or at the very least a letter with a way for her to contact you.

 

 

Does she deserve to know

 

No matter what the reason for telling, yes she deserves to know.

 

 

Please help! I have learned my lesson and know it was wrong to stay with him after finding out he was married (he said he was divorced when we met)

 

?? Why don't I believe this? You say he said he was divorced when you met, but all the time before finding out you never questioned where he lived or asked to go over to his place?

 

Regardless of if this is true or not, the straightforward advice is you tell her. She deserves to know.

[neveragain34]

 

 

?? Why don't I believe this? You say he said he was divorced when you met, but all the time before finding out you never questioned where he lived or asked to go over to his place?

 

Regardless of if this is true or not, the straightforward advice is you tell her. She deserves to know.

 

I did not question anything at first because we met on match.com and we spent almost everyday and night together for a month before I found out. I did know where he lived. He has an apt here and I had my own key by week 3. We were out in the open all the time, there were no suspicious calls, etc. He told me he was divorced and it was easy to believe because his family lives 8 hours away. I didn't grow suspicious until he went to visit his kids one weekend and his only form of communication that weekend was email. That's when I started snooping and discovered the truth. From there he said he was separated and afraid to tell me because some women won't date "separated" men. It was all lies and I just kept believing them because he made me so happy and i was in a fog. This man is good at what he does.

[neveragain34]

I have a crazy idea on how to tell her...

 

1. I logon to the fake email account I created and he replied to through CL.

2. I forward his CL email to BS and my real email address.

3. In the message line, I write "thought you two would like to know what the man who claims to love you so much is doing when you aren't around."

 

By sending it to both of us, she will wonder who I am and email me herself. I will also be able to tell him to f***off and never call me again in reaction to this "surprise" email I got.

 

Is this too crazy? It is, right? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going insane now! Wish I never met this douchebag.

[whichwayisup]

Own it. Why not just tell her who you are, apologize for having an affair with her husband? Sending her a 'fake' email which hides your identity is sneaky and has malciousness to it. I get that you may not want to face your own consquences and fallout of the affair, but if you're gonna tell, be honest and truthful. If you're going to blow up his world, consquences should be fairly put out there. You willingly chose this and now you're not happy finding out some other stuff about him, so it seems more revengeful than genuine concern for his wife.

[Realist3]

I have a crazy idea on how to tell her...

 

1. I logon to the fake email account I created and he replied to through CL.

2. I forward his CL email to BS and my real email address.

3. In the message line, I write "thought you two would like to know what the man who claims to love you so much is doing when you aren't around."

 

By sending it to both of us, she will wonder who I am and email me herself. I will also be able to tell him to f***off and never call me again in reaction to this "surprise" email I got.

 

Is this too crazy? It is, right? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going insane now! Wish I never met this douchebag.

 

I would say that is a bit far fetched. How would the person in the CL ad have both of your emails?

[justwhoiam]

I have a crazy idea on how to tell her...

 

1. I logon to the fake email account I created and he replied to through CL.

2. I forward his CL email to BS and my real email address.

3. In the message line, I write "thought you two would like to know what the man who claims to love you so much is doing when you aren't around."

 

By sending it to both of us, she will wonder who I am and email me herself. I will also be able to tell him to f***off and never call me again in reaction to this "surprise" email I got.

 

Is this too crazy? It is, right? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going insane now! Wish I never met this douchebag.

Don't do that.

 

If possible, pick someone you really trust. Like a dear friend of yours. Maybe a man. You call from a phone booth, not near where you live. You call home and tell her: We don't know each other, I just want to warn you that your husband is being unfaithful. If you want the proof, put an ad on craig's list and he will reply. That's how you can catch him. Sorry if this is bad news, but I thought you needed to know and either leave him or save him from the path he's taken.

[nofool4u]

I have a crazy idea on how to tell her...

 

1. I logon to the fake email account I created and he replied to through CL.

2. I forward his CL email to BS and my real email address.

3. In the message line, I write "thought you two would like to know what the man who claims to love you so much is doing when you aren't around."

 

By sending it to both of us, she will wonder who I am and email me herself. I will also be able to tell him to f***off and never call me again in reaction to this "surprise" email I got.

 

Is this too crazy? It is, right? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm going insane now! Wish I never met this douchebag.

 

Again, after you found out he was still married you continued the affair with him until you found out you weren't the only one.

 

You have the guts to stay in the affair with him behind her back, have the guts to do it in person, or at least by letter with a way she can contact you.

 

I can see you are trying to take the cowards way out. Own up to what you did, face her and tell her the truth. If you think she deserves to know, she deserves it face to face. Woman up.

[Artie Lang]

I'm almost certain you'll cave again and find yourself back in his arms.

[Tainted love]

Please don't do that. If you can, be brave. It's so cruel to find life changing news in an anonymous email without the ability to know if its real or not. It also gives him great potential to gaslight her and pretend it is someone trying to mess things up for them.

 

If I were you, the kindest thing to do would be to contact her openly, speak to her, let her ask questions. If she lives so far away you don't need to share any of your contact details with her. But hearing it from a human voice who is able to own their actions is so much kinder.

 

Well done to you for taking a stand.

[alexandria35]

If you're wanting to turn over a new leaf and change your life for the better than don't end the affair with the same sneaky manipulative tactics you used to carry on the affair. MM and his wife are probably not as stupid as you would like to believe. Your childish game might temporarily throw him/her off your trail but they will put it together and know it came from you. Or at least he will and then he will say to his wife "don't believe anything she says because she is a crazy bit*h, just look at the stupid anonymous email she sent posing as somebody else, how can you believe anything from a crazy woman?"

 

Be an adult and do it right. Anything sent anonymously will be explained away by him.

[canuckprincess]

If your gonna tell her what her husband is up to, please be prepared for the fall out. Chances are he'll turn it around and convince her that it's all you. If your gonna do it, please wait till the new year, dont ruin her christmas. I think his wife should be told the truth but do it for the right reason or force him to tell her. Best of luck in which ever choice you make.

[Lamplight]

Google his userid and get a list of other sites he has accounts on. Watch those accounts for a couple of years, make screen shots and send those his wife. Since you will be long gone by then, he will have no idea who sent them. This way, you haven't ruined your reputation and have notified the wife as well. In the meantime, breakup with him by telling him you met someone better. He will just assume you moved on and won't suspect you. If you want to really cover your tracks, sent her the screenshots from a library computer using a new fake account created in her town or mail those things from her local post office. You have to think about yourself first. These kind of men are really mean.

[neveragain34]

Thanks for all the great advice, even when it came down to my crazy, foolish idea. Looks like majority thinks she should know.

 

I've decided to print and mail the email in which he replied to the craigslist ad and leave a note inside that says "your husband is a pig who looks for sex on Craigslist. He also has a girlfriend named XXXX. Her phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX and her email address is XXXXXX."

 

If she wants to contact me from there, it's up to her and I will tell her everything. He will have no proof that I sent the letter. I know I am a coward for wanting to be anonymous, but I'm so afraid of what he will do in retaliation. Yes, I should have thought of that when I continued affair after finding out he was married, but what's done is done and I can't change it. In the meantime, I am going to tell him I met someone else.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the great advice, even when it came down to my crazy, foolish idea. Looks like majority thinks she should know.

 

I've decided to print and mail the email in which he replied to the craigslist ad and leave a note inside that says "your husband is a pig who looks for sex on Craigslist. He also has a girlfriend named XXXX. Her phone number is XXX-XXX-XXXX and her email address is XXXXXX."

 

If she wants to contact me from there, it's up to her and I will tell her everything. He will have no proof that I sent the letter. I know I am a coward for wanting to be anonymous, but I'm so afraid of what he will do in retaliation. Yes, I should have thought of that when I continued affair after finding out he was married, but what's done is done and I can't change it. In the meantime, I am going to tell him I met someone else.

 

why not just send the email yourself instead? I take it YOU don't want to have the fallout and have MM hate you. This is why you're taking the passive approach and pretending it wasn't you who is sending the email to his wife? If you're gonna blow up her world, do it in an honest way. It's like you're scared of totally losing MM.

 

IF you want it over and you want him out of your life, then please find the courage to send her an email directly from you. Your way, your hands are clean on some level.