LostInThought_1 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It's been nearly 8 months now since we broke up (and I initiated the break up, twice..). We had been together for almost 2 years and he was my first love. I broke up with him because I felt I viewed him as more of a friend and was no longer in love (I no longer wanted to have sex with him, I was feeling so "bored" for over a month and didn't think it was just a phase, and KNEW he wasn't the one for me....additionally I developed feelings for another guy, but they didn't work out) Anyways, we are in college together. He seems to have moved on and has told me he would not give us a third chance (and i respect him for that). I keep running into him and each time my feelings keep coming back. He doesn't seem to be phased by the break up anymore, in fact, he never seemed to be phased. I have been having such a hard time, and I've been trying to accept that it is over for good, but just can't seem to get him out of my head. Any new guys I've started "talking" to just end up making me miss my ex more and I feel that I'll never be able to love someone like I loved my ex again. I'm having a hard time remembering what was so bad about the relationship, and can only think about how good I had it. Any advice? Did I make a mistake by breaking up with him, or am I still sad because I'm lonely and idealizing the realtionship?
BUBS Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I get where you are coming from. I think it stems from a feeling of rejection and the "shoulda, couldas". Towards the end of my relationship I was bored and like you, everything he did was completely displeasing to me. I broke it off with him in an attempt more or less to try to spice things up like I had in the past hoping he would beg and plead I guess, unknowing that he was ready to break up with me. When I tried to get the relationship back on track and he was seemingly over it, I really fell apart entirely as my intentions were not to lose him, and it hurt more realizing that even if I hadn't broken it off initially it would have happened anyway. I think its more of an ego-thing than anything. You are relating to a time in which you were satisfied with him despite being unsatisfied at the end of the relationship. We are young and its normal to take one step forward and a few back when it comes to commitment, most of us have a hard time dealing with any type of love, or relationship that isn't in the "honeymoon" phase because we were raised on fairy tale notions that someone can excite you forever which is not the case, it goes up and down. You mentioned that he has seemingly handled the break up well, which is probably where your issues are coming from. Whether you admit it or not, you probably expected him to be torn up a bit, and since you guys reconciled once before, you probably assumed that you guys would get back together like I assumed with my ex when I was bored with everything. It hurts to see someone you care about or love move on "effortlessly" while you continue to digress. I wish I could provide some amazing advice for you, but remember it's an ego thing... You are putting him on a pedestal because he is indifferent towards you, when there was a time where you were probably the center of his world, and that hurts... I know from experience. The more happy my ex seems, or is, the more depressed I become that he is capable of being ok, when i am not without him. Stop trying to meet guys, you will continue to compare them to him until you can knock him off the pedestal and put yourself in his place. Once you rebuild your self worth you will be more than capable of seeing what others can bring to the table that he probably could not. No one is going to be him, this is the thing I have a hard time accepting in my own life, in break ups you see most of the things you took for granted, and suddenly you want it all back, the bad is so worth the good to you at the moment, but you are just hurting, and when time heals those wounds and you find your own way, you will be able to love again and enjoy the company of others... you may occasionally compare the guys you are with... but you will have more to look at because you will give them time. Remember, you knew your ex for a long time, you learned more about him through that time that allowed you to love him and feel comfortable with him. These guys you are meeting can't compare to the falsified version of your ex, because you have not known them as long to find their good and bad qualities... you aren't ready to open yourself up to really getting to know another person in an unbiased way... get to know yourself instead and make a list of attributes that you absolutely want from a partner, even things your ex couldn't provide. 2
ladyhawk553594 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I think at this point it's finally sinking in that the relationship is over and boy I know how hard that can be. I think that's why you're idealizing the relationship, but I feel like that will pass eventually( especially since you guys tried getting back together twice). You obviously had those feelings those two other times and it didn't work out. I know how hard this and I know exactly what you mean by feeling like no one compares to your ex. To be honest, it might take a long time for those feelings to pass since you see him all the time. I can't even imagine trying to get over someone that I see on a regular basis, that would kill me. If you guys are on good terms, I would suggest trying to talk to him. Maybe get some closure by having a real heart to heart. I'm not saying that you should lay your feelings on the line, especially since he seems to have moved on, but be as honest as possible. Good luck!
Author LostInThought_1 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Thank you for both of your responses!! It is really hard to move on because whenever I see him, we talk and then it just knocks me 2 steps back in moving on becuase then I can't stop thinking about him and I get sad all over again. I know in the end it was for the best - I'm glad I ended it sooner rather than later since I knew so early on it wouldn't be a "forever" thing. It still is hard though since I have to keep seeing him! I think what it comes down to now is attachment, and being lonely isn't helping that...do you agree? Thanks for the advice, it really helped!
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