joel Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 like i said before there is a gal who glances at me and is interested in me but is too shy and quite to apporach me. u guys told me to just ask her out for coffee or some bite to eat -great advice, yea but what happens if she says NO or maybe. i mean i might see the gal some other semester and we might have a class together or worst have to do a group project toghter were we are fixed into a group the instructor places us in. all i am saying is it can be embarassing and u might be the talk of all gossip-but the gal that likes me is like a loner like i am too-hardly see her with anybody but herself. also at the same time i have no job-finding one and can't take her out to even 60 dollar date every wk maybe just once or twice. i mean out of school and work its great she says NO and thats it you won;t see her again. but in school u might and work u defeinelty will unless one of u gets fired or contract work. i wouldn't date from work-b/c if it doesn't work out u have to see em over and over again-i got that advice from radio talk show host rhona. do u guys think dating and meeting women from school is a good idea or should i just focus on school and no talk or meet or date women.
uriel Posted August 12, 2004 Posted August 12, 2004 Meeting girls at school is a fine idea. You are afraid of feeling emotionally vulnerable if you see a girl again who has rejected you. You're afraid to ask a girl out because you are afraid of rejection at all. These fears are stopping you from taking the chances you need to take in order to improve your quality of life. What you need to do to get over this hurdle is to change the way you think about rejection. Not easy to do, I know. When you imagine the moment of rejection or seeing a girl again after that moment, what are you imagining? You're feeling like she's judged you as not worthy and, at some level, you are agreeing with her. The insecurities you have about your own attractiveness to others (which we all have) are getting tagged. Ultimately, it's because you don't want those insecurities to be confirmed that you are afraid. If the problem were merely disappointed desire, you'd move forward -- because you are already experiencing disappointed desire by not acting. You need to work to consider a rejection, then, as not a confirmation of your own self-doubts, but a confirmation that the girl in question isn't right for you. She doesn't see the two of you as a match, and so she must not have all of the inner qualities you have ascribed to her. Think of it as a fast experience in getting to know her better. As for the embarrassment of seeing someone again who has rejected you -- which anyone would feel -- you don't need to show her or anyone that that bothers you. Just treat her as an acquaintance. Don't avoid her, but don't seek her out. After all, you haven't offered her your heart; you've just offered her the chance of having a coffee and getting to know one another to see if you'd like to continue to do that some more. For all she knows, you weren't interested in anything more. Or, if you were, it was just sex. Avoiding investing too much preliminary crush in a girl can help too. That way, if she says no, then what the hey -- you're on to the next possibility. As for not having the money for a $60 dinner -- I wouldn't say that's a problem. You don't want a shallow woman who's only after lobster. Ask a girl out to a nice coffee house or cafe, someplace you can talk and enjoy a nice treat without getting too expensive. The focus isn't on impressing her so much with your spending that you can cover over insecurities. The focus is on getting to know her and see if there's more possible with her. Don't apologize for not spending a mint. Assume that's a test of her as a potential girlfriend. Save spending money on a girl until she's more special to you. -- uriel
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