waterwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Had a big blow up at H this weekend. Don't know what triggered it really - just tiredness and stress I think. At one point I said something along the lines of 'And you have never thanked me for giving you another chance!'. Which sounds so lame. He did mutter 'thanks' at that point but I don't think it has ever occurred to him that I needed thanks. I feel as if I have really given all of myself since d-day - really taken a good look at myself and my faults, admitted to myself (and H) the things I did that weren't healthy for our marriage. I've been the one suggesting strategies for making it work. He has come along for the ride - been loving and kind, remorseful, gone NC instantly, all these things are good, but so passive. I am so tired. Is it wrong to want acknowledgment of my hard work?
Summer Breeze Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Had a big blow up at H this weekend. Don't know what triggered it really - just tiredness and stress I think. At one point I said something along the lines of 'And you have never thanked me for giving you another chance!'. Which sounds so lame. He did mutter 'thanks' at that point but I don't think it has ever occurred to him that I needed thanks. I feel as if I have really given all of myself since d-day - really taken a good look at myself and my faults, admitted to myself (and H) the things I did that weren't healthy for our marriage. I've been the one suggesting strategies for making it work. He has come along for the ride - been loving and kind, remorseful, gone NC instantly, all these things are good, but so passive. I am so tired. Is it wrong to want acknowledgment of my hard work? I'm not your H but I'll acknowledge it. WW you and so many BS amaze me in the strength you display in reconciling. It's not easy to go and it's not easy to stay. I only know that if you felt half the pain I did then you deserve kudos for getting through and pulling him along with you. It's obvious from your posts how important this is to you and how hard you're working. No matter what happens you know you've done your best for the both of you. I know it's not nearly as important coming from a stranger as it is your H but where you are and what you've done hasn't gone unnoticed by your fellow posters. 5
beenburned Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 WW, My H had no idea how to help me or our marriage. But he was grasping at anything that might help, even when I was a sobbing mess! All he did was to constantly tell me he loved me and was sorry. But the most important things were his reassurances that he was going no where, and that he would prove to me that he was a changed man permanently. (no matter how long it took) There wasn't one big thing done, but lots of little things done on a daily basis that gradually made me start trusting him again and slowly believing we could make it in the long run.
Snowflower Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I feel as if I have really given all of myself since d-day - really taken a good look at myself and my faults, admitted to myself (and H) the things I did that weren't healthy for our marriage. I've been the one suggesting strategies for making it work. He has come along for the ride - been loving and kind, remorseful, gone NC instantly, all these things are good, but so passive. I am so tired. Is it wrong to want acknowledgment of my hard work? No, it is not wrong to want acknowledgment of your hard work. But IMO, your real problem lies in that you are giving too much of yourself and that is why you are unhappy. Am I saying that you don't try at all and let your H do all the work? No, not at all. Doing so would definitely sabotage your marriage even further. I think I've been where you are and I got stuck there for years. I very recently posted about it on another thread. If you're like me, your marriage (and maybe your family/children) are taking everything you have. This is not healthy and your marriage will ultimately fail, mine nearly did. Jury is still out on that. Sure, concentrate on your marriage but more importantly, concentrate on yourself. What do you want out of life (besides a faithful husband )? Who are you, to you? What are your dreams, aspirations and hobbies? Take some time and figure this out and let your marriage go a little bit. Your marriage can still be very important but it shouldn't be front and center right now. If it is right, your H will be there by your side for your journey. Otherwise, you will have taken great strides into a better future for you. Hope that makes sense! (((hugs))) I've been where you are. It took me years to figure this out! 3
Spark1111 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I read the book, "The Five Love Languages," by Gary Chapman and found it very eye-opening. My H's primary language is acts of service, and he needs lots of appreciation for it. Mine, maybe like you and a lot of women, are words of affirmation. I like to be told in words, how my efforts are acknowledged and important to the restoration of us. There is a questionnaire on the site that both partners can take. Another big one for my H is recreational companionship, so even if he is working in the yard,(groan) he'd like me by his side. How someone gives love is their favorite means of receiving love. Two people in a marriage can be on very different pages, leading them to feel unloved at times if their particular language is not appreciated or reciprocated. 1
drifter777 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Had a big blow up at H this weekend. Don't know what triggered it really - just tiredness and stress I think. At one point I said something along the lines of 'And you have never thanked me for giving you another chance!'. Which sounds so lame. He did mutter 'thanks' at that point but I don't think it has ever occurred to him that I needed thanks. I feel as if I have really given all of myself since d-day - really taken a good look at myself and my faults, admitted to myself (and H) the things I did that weren't healthy for our marriage. I've been the one suggesting strategies for making it work. He has come along for the ride - been loving and kind, remorseful, gone NC instantly, all these things are good, but so passive. I am so tired. Is it wrong to want acknowledgment of my hard work? No, it's not wrong at all. It does seem that what's wrong is that you never mentioned that your H is not really working to repair the damage he has done to you and is basically saying "time for you to get over it". He destroyed your relationship and your trust. To rebuild it he should be doing a lot more work than you are. Read the book "How Can I Forgive You" by Janis Spring. Make your husband read it. You will learn that forgiveness is something the betrayer earns and not a gift that you can "give" him. It is up to you - the betrayed - to give your H a chance to earn forgiveness, but most of the hard work falls on him - the betrayer. If you feel like you are the only one working on your relationship and bending over backward to try to forgive him then something is wrong. Most importantly, it is not going to work. When reconciliation is one sided then what you are really doing is treading emotional water until your kids are grown or you are financially secure or finally find the strength to take the action to free yourself from the anchor of his betrayal.
Author waterwoman Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you x I can't seem to get past this stage. I want him to know that this isn't easy - in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want him to realise that. Problem is I was so desperate for him not to leave and to love me best at first I guess he got the feeling that all he had to do was stop seeing her, be there for me and say sorry. But that just puts us back to square one - I want to be on an entirely different square - one where there is no chance of moving off down the wrong route again. Had another 'talk' (ahem) last night. I really lost it. Totally. Said some bad stuff. He seemed to get it but I don't know. He really wants to make it work but I don't think he knows how. He wants to do the right thing but is afraid anything he does will make it worse. I know that much about him. He is well-intentioned. I just want him to *know* what to do - but he never did before, why would he magically know now? I think the problem is mine at this point. But to get over it he needs to be 100% there for me - I have to be his top priority, I know I am but he needs to show me all the time, in every way possible.
Author waterwoman Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 Bugger me! I am a awkward b*tch . He must be wondering what hit him and where the kind, capable, sensible woman he married went to....
beenburned Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 (edited) WW, Don't worry, it took me about 4 years to get the B**** out of me!! Edited December 12, 2012 by beenburned left out a letter
Spark1111 Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Thank you x I can't seem to get past this stage. I want him to know that this isn't easy - in fact it's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want him to realise that. Problem is I was so desperate for him not to leave and to love me best at first I guess he got the feeling that all he had to do was stop seeing her, be there for me and say sorry. But that just puts us back to square one - I want to be on an entirely different square - one where there is no chance of moving off down the wrong route again. Had another 'talk' (ahem) last night. I really lost it. Totally. Said some bad stuff. He seemed to get it but I don't know. He really wants to make it work but I don't think he knows how. He wants to do the right thing but is afraid anything he does will make it worse. I know that much about him. He is well-intentioned. I just want him to *know* what to do - but he never did before, why would he magically know now? I think the problem is mine at this point. But to get over it he needs to be 100% there for me - I have to be his top priority, I know I am but he needs to show me all the time, in every way possible. No, you are not the problem. you sound pretty normal to me. Set up and identify what you need and how you need it. Even if you set aside 50 minutes a week for a heart to heart about your feelings after the affair, that is what you do. Rage and anger comes from penting up and stuffing your feelings, or feeling like you have to because he, too is in pain right now. Read and talk together and ask him to be proactive, not just reactive. Ask HIM how he best thinks you can reconcile and heal together.
JamesM Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 Bugger me! I am a awkward b*tch . He must be wondering what hit him and where the kind, capable, sensible woman he married went to.... You are welcome to be a b*tch. As for the kind and capable woman, he need to look no farther than himself for what happened to her. You do deserve much praise for all that you have done to reconcile this marriage. Without your strength, it would have not even made it this far. I hope he truly appreciates what a long suffering and wonderful woman he has who is willing to fix what he has broke. While he may not say it yet, I would guess that one day soon he will be singing his praises of you. As Snow said, take time for your self, too. (She has much great advice. )This is certainly not all about him.
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