kristi628 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I apologize in advance for the length of this thread. I've been having a hard time dealing with this particular break up. I've gone through break ups before but for some reason this particular one is really throwing me for a loop. I guess I'll start at the beginning. My ex and I dated for a year and a half. We have been living together since January of 2012. I thought he was the man of my dreams. So charming, so smart, so good looking. We took things slow at first. We had a long distance relationship before moving to be with him. I thought the relationship had a natural progression. Took a month or two to become exclusive, another 3 months to say "I love you" and another 3 months on top of that to move in together. I really thought that this relationship was superior to all the ones in the past. Finally, a real adult relationship. I shouldve noticed the red flags early on. Very early in the relationship he was arrested. I had never been in trouble a day in my life. But I stayed. Little things would spark a temper tantrum where he would need "no talking" or space until he got over it (which would ruin our time together seeing as though we only saw each other on the weekends). Then he started to be on his phone a lot. He would constantly email his ex. Every day, all day long. Kept saying that things were just platonic and that she was his best friend. She lived very far away so I wasn't too worried about the two seeing each other. But I always felt like he was having an emotional affair, or wasnt being honest with her about his new relationship with me. I have never been the type of girl to go through someone's personal property but he was making me so paranoid. I had a very strong feeling that I wasn't being told the truth about other girls or exes. Finally one day I went through his email and phone. The emails from his ex were mainly platonic. But his responses werent necessarily. He would lie to her constantly, say we werent serious or that we were just friends or how he wanted her to move back and date again. By this time we were living together!!! I was heart broken. I confronted him about it, but of course, the only thing he could fixate on was how I violated his trust. What about my trust? How could he be emailing her these things and sleep next to me every night? Fast forward a few months and it happened again. This time with a different girl. He started spending 3 nights a week away from our home. Said he was out w friends. I finally confronted him and told him that it needed to stop. But then one night he got so drunk that he left his phone out. While I was trying to clean him up and take care of him, his phone kept going off. It was from a girl who he claimed was "just a friend." Yeah, well those texts weren't exactly friendly. They were saying "I love you" back and forth to each other. Talking about hooking up in cars and what not. I contacted her. She insisted that they hadnt slept together but that I should talk to him. I tried. He said the same thing. That they were just texts. I should have left then. I never felt like I got the truth about this. From that moment on things were alright but not great. I turned paranoid. Every time his phone buzzed I instantly got tense and wondered who it was. He became obsessed with Twitter. He would flirt with girls he had never even met. And knowing i could see all of this! Finally about 2 months ago we got into a fight. We had been drinking and I'm not sure how it go to this topic, but basically it turned back to the exes and the texts. He basically said that he wasn't happy. That he doesn't experience happiness like a normal person. He doesn't love like a normal person. He doesn't even know what love is. He said that he is the type that will never be happy with one person for the rest of his life. He didn't want to marry me (even though we had a wedding date in mind) and that he was just bored. He packed a bag and left. I begged him to stay. Cried for hours. He asked me not to contact him for a couple of days. I text him two days later to see if we could talk. He ended it right there and then through text message. I was devastated. I couldn't eat, sleep. I didn't text or call. I was just numb. I was alone in a city with no family and friends and in a home where we shared together. His family reached out to me. His mom said this was a pattern of his. He would always leave his gf's around the year mark. Many would get back together, depending on if he had a new prospect in mind. His mother was so sick that he could hurt someone like this. She said he stays in a relationship until he's done and he was just done with this one. A week later he asked to come over and talk. Keep in mind that he said he wanted to move out but all his stuff was still at the apartment. Minus clothing which I packed in a fit of rage one night. He came over and said he missed me and how he acted irrationally. Wanted to give things another shot but to take things slow, not move back in. He started to slowly bring clothes back over. He would stay the night 3-4 times a week. I was happy again. Or so I thought. He never wanted to talk about titles or informing his family that we are seeing each other again. I couldnt understand why. He said he didnt want all of the questions from them. The more it went on the more I felt uncomfortable. Plus, by this time I had noticed a girl posting stuff on his twitter page. Nothing flirtatious exactly. But I still had a bad feeling. About three weeks ago he texts me saying we needed to talk. Said he made a mistake. I asked what it was. Said he ended up kissing another girl and that it was wrong and he felt so guilty about it. I asked who it was. Low and behold, it was the twitter girl. He said that was the first and only time he had met up with her. I didnt believe. I had told him when we got "back together" that I was done at the prospect of another girl. I told him i never wanted to see him again. All he said was "fair enough." Told him I was changing the locks on the apt and he had two days to get his stuff out. That sent him over the edge. Started cussing me out and calling me names. I couldnt see how that would make him upset. He's moving out so MOVE OUT! Why did he want to still have a key? Did he feel like he was entitled to be there? I packed up every little thing he left at the apt. All he came to get was some clothes. Left everything else behind. I changed the locks like I said. It's a unique situation. He is still paying half of the rent. His mom is making sure of that bc he bailed on the lease. I told him to cancel the cable and internet. He just barely did that yesterday. The bedroom furniture is mine, the living furniture is his. We still have two and a half more months on the lease. Anyways, when we were arguing he told me he never wanted to see that girl again. But that if i never wanted to see or talk to him again, then maybe we should block each other on twitter and facebook. We did. But I had a sneaky suspicion that night. You dont need a twitter account to look at people's pages. And what did I find? All these tweets about her and how amazing she is. They became bf/gf a week later! I felt like someone punched me in the gut all over again. He's always been a private person. Never put anything about us on these sites but right now he is tweeting up a storm about how she is "the one" and how everything before her was practice. It's as if our relationship never even existed. And what makes me sick is that all of his followers on twitter are complete strangers! They dont know how he cheated on me and the things he did. They think that he is the sweetest guy. They dont even know him! Meanwhile, his facebook where all of his real friends are is completely blank. No relationship status, no pics or anything. I know I'm better off. It's slowly starting to sink in day by day. But I cant help but wonder why he is so happy now and is being the perfect bf when only three weeks ago he was with me. And telling me how he doesnt feel love and that he is better off alone. I should've known better. During the relationship he would tell me how he has a psychopath personality, that he has periods of numbness where he doesnt feel anything and how for someone who prefers to be alone, he doesnt like to feel lonely. All red flags. Is he a changed man now? Did he meet the girl who made him this way? I refuse to believe that a person like him can change so quickly without professional help. Is this a rebound? Is his twitter page for a crap? I have maintained NC since he told me. He will text random questions asking if something of his is at the apt. We got into an argument just a few days ago bc his mother mentioned to him that i wanted to move back home and he wants the apt. No way buddy. That apt is in my name and I'm not having him mess up the place or worse have her in that apt. Maybe that's petty. But i'm still very much hurt by this. I'm sorry for the long rant. I have just been doing so much reading about these types of men and I'm overloaded with information. I needed to get my story out there. It's only been a few weeks but I feel awful. Still cant eat or sleep. Each day gets a little better. I guess I'm just bitter that he is out there happy with someone else and I'm here alone and miserable. Why do bad things happen to good people and good things happen to those that hurt others?
truth_seeker Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Sorry you're going through this rough patch. It will get better, and believe me, things even out. This guy will get what is coming to him. Karma doesn't discriminate.
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I went through this with my exH. I filed for divorce in March, he begged me to withdraw it, we went to marriage counseling but I finally told him we will never be back together in June. He attempted suicide. In July he met someone. By August they were engaged. Our divorce wasn't even final. Whatever he's doing to win her over right now is the same thing he did in the beginning with you. He's pouring on the charm. He's playing Mr Nice Guy and Mr Happy and in love. It's not real. It's an act. One that he will keep up with until she falls for him. Then the real him will emerge, if he has a true identity, and will tire of her and leave her wondering. I know it's tough that he is with someone new but if he came back would you want him anyway? 3
acheybreakey Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Hang in there, Kristi. I think I know how you feel... my ex and I were dating for a few years. The first six months of the relationship he was doing exactly the same thing with his ex. Telling her how he loved her and missed her, saying there was nobody else in his life, even having cyber sex through skype video chat. I should have walked away right there but he told me it would never happen again and begged for forgiveness. I truly loved him so I forgave him, only for him to do this again with some new girl. He left me for her three months ago and I have felt like **** ever since. I know how it can strip you of your self-worth. I'm still trying to figure out the answer to this... I think there is no set tried & true method for getting over this sort of thing. Something that has been helping me is the knowledge that I was not the first person that he did this too. I heard from his brother that he has done this same thing to every person he has ever been with. You've heard the same thing from his mother. That should at least help you to realize that it didn't have anything to do with you. It was him. He may seem head over heels for this other girl, but he's probably just acting that way because he wants to feel that way. My ex too is head over heels for his new girl that he started dating about a month before we broke up. In time, Im sure he will treat her the same way that he has treated you. People don't change that easily, no matter what they want you to think. The best predictions of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. Let him treat her like **** now, you are finally rid of him. Try to move on with your life. Learn a lesson from everything this has taught you. For example, what I have learned is to never give someone a second chance. It's very hard for me to stick to my guns... I still talk to him at least every other day and we go back and forth between wanting to get back together to fighting with each other over what he did and the fact that he is stll with this girl. At least now I have told him it is over for good and will not contact him again. I'm trying not to slip on this... you need to do the same. Don't let him back into your life, he is nothing but bad for you. I hope this helped =/ 1
Author kristi628 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 Thank to everyone for your replies. I am very proud of myself for not even having the desire to contact him. I refuse to call, text or email him. Going on three weeks now. I do have my weak days. Today is one of them. I try to believe that he is not a changed man and that this next girl will experience the true him. Case in point was a few days ago. He was so mean through texts. All because I wont let him have the apt. He was attacking my character. Finally I just let it out how he was acting like a 15 yr old high school kid with all of his twitter posts. That didn't help. I let me emotions get the best of me. And just like that, he ended the conversation. Just like he wanted to get me upset and mad and then leave again. Since then I have just been in a rut. But you're all right. He has cheated on every single gf before me. And I believe he won't ever change. I truly believe that. And even if he did come running back, I know I deserve better. I'm just going through a major difficulty. They've met each other's families and our friends. I feel so discarded. Devalued. And I can't help but wonder if they are just in a honeymood phase or if it's something more?
Treasa Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I unfortunately have a lot of experience with men like this. Want to really hurt them? Don't contact them, don't reply, don't take their bait, etc. Just pretend they don't exist. And for you, he shouldn't exist anymore. What a tool. 2
amaysngrace Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I unfortunately have a lot of experience with men like this. Want to really hurt them? Don't contact them, don't reply, don't take their bait, etc. Just pretend they don't exist. And for you, he shouldn't exist anymore. What a tool. This is true. Ignore him and don't feed his ego.
Author kristi628 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 I know this is the best thing. I feel better when we dont speak. It's going to happen though. We still have an apt together that we are paying on. I changed the locks so he is going to have to ask when he can move all of his stuff out. I wish he had taken all of his stuff when I told him to. The furniture i know he cant move alone. But he's had since October to move out if that was what he truly wants. Now I have to live with the daily reminder seeing all of his furniture and stuff. Wish I could give it all away. I respect his family too much to do that. They have all been there for me through all of this.
flitzanu Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 no, he's not a narcissist. no he's not a psychopath. he's just a jerk. sounds simply that he didn't want to commit to you, and WOULDN'T commit to you, as he always kept other options open while living with you. that's no reflection on you as a person or as a gf, just that he's a prick. don't try to dress it up in fancy names or think it's some behavioral disorder, he's simply a dbag, the world is full of them. 1
Author kristi628 Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 no, he's not a narcissist. no he's not a psychopath. he's just a jerk. Maybe that's my fear. I'm trying to search for answers on why he is the way he is. I should have listened to him when he would tell me how he really is. I always just thought he was kidding. But if he really is just a jerk, then is he really a changed person for her? Or is this all an act and he will end up hurting her like he did me?
geegirl Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Maybe that's my fear. I'm trying to search for answers on why he is the way he is. I should have listened to him when he would tell me how he really is. I always just thought he was kidding. But if he really is just a jerk, then is he really a changed person for her? Or is this all an act and he will end up hurting her like he did me? I dated a clinically diagnosed Narc. Looking back, it doesn't matter the label, because at the end of the day it is behavior that cannot sustain a relationship. You're hoping to slap a label because then it's not you, it's him. If he damages the next woman, then you take comfort in knowing it wasn't you that was lacking. If he's a changed person, and treats her well, then it was you and you were the one lacking. Stop turning this around on yourself. You will not be able to analyze his patterns. It's futile. You need to work with what you have, which is, he treated YOU badly and whether he does the same to the next is irrelevant. What is relevant is that you move on and try to focus your energy on working through your patterns and behaviors as to why you stayed in such a situation. 3
CptSaveAho Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Maybe that's my fear. I'm trying to search for answers on why he is the way he is. I should have listened to him when he would tell me how he really is. I always just thought he was kidding. But if he really is just a jerk, then is he really a changed person for her? Or is this all an act and he will end up hurting her like he did me? Your focusing on the wrong behavior... you should be focusing on your behavior... You stayed in a relationship with someone that was talking to an ex... To me, it doesnt matter if they are friends etc... I will walk if someone has to be emotionally validated by an ex... I'm not "friends" with ex's He was clearly Emotionally Unavailable... we dont even have to label narcissist or whatever, we aren't psychologists/therapists... he got angry and asked for space....in relationships I look for people that are "Emotionally Available" if not, next It shouldnt have lasted as long as it did 1
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