thecleaner Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Ok, so first some background. I've been dating this girl for over a year. She is 43, I am 41. I have two young girls (10 & 7) from a previous marriage. She does not have any kids and has never been married. When we started dating I asked her if she was ok dating someone with kids and she said "yes". I subsequently asked her if she was comfortable moving forward after she met my kids and again said "yes". Over the course of the following nine months, we did things as a couple and she joined the three of us in doing some things as well - we even on vacation twice. As the relationship has progressed naturally we started talking about the future. She seemed quite open to it. She has stated her biggest concern has always been losing her personal time. I've assured her we could compromise. I've also told her that I would not "expect" anything of her as it relates to my kids. I can raise them and their mother is very much involved in their life (note - I have my kids 50% of the time). So fast forward to two weeks ago. She went to Hawaii to visit her father. He is a successful heart surgeon who is approaching retirement and has purchased a home in Maui. (note - she is an eye surgeon, I am a midlevel executive for a large company). Her father has always been a very controlling individual. When she returned I could tell something was different. She started questioning the "expectations" I have of her related to my children. I was clear that I have zero expectations but I did state I hope she would want to be part of my children's lives (e.g. attend special events, be there for them, etc.) She also question what expectations I have of her related to "cleaning", "cooking" etc. since my ex wife used to do it. At this time I was very clear with her - "When have I stated I need any of that?" I asked. She replied honestly - "never". So I asked her where all this was coming from - I told her that I believed she is coming up with excuses and creating these expectations herself. She then talks about her father and how much he screwed her up when she was young and how narcissistic he is now. She's afraid that relationship is controlling her life and she cannot do things she wants to do. She is very depressed - plus it does not help it is winter and she hates the cold. I've asked her if this is something she still wants and she has said yes. I told her, that I and my kids are a "package" deal. My kids and now her are my priorities but I get the feeling she has been alone so long that "instant family" as she calls it is simply too scary for her regardless of my reassurances. One more thing - I asked her about a month ago or so that I want more than just a "weekend" relationship with her. I think that spooked her. I think she's happy with just seeing me on the weekends and seeing my kids every other weekend. But I want to find a partner. Perhaps I should have looked for one with kids. Now, I'm madly in love with her, beautiful, smart, trustworthy (my ex wife cheated on me, and i never thought I would find someone whom I can trust), and I know that even with her need for independence she would do great with my kids. However, I get the feeling she is creating "mountains out of mole hills" and well...I'm at a loss. Seems early to do, but she wanted to try counseling both for herself (due to her father issues) and for us (pre-marriage type counseling, not because we are having problems but to ensure this is the right thing to do). I'm not one to give up, so I will do it. But, I'm wondering.....can she really do this? Seems like I put all the effort into it sometimes.. Thoughts? PS - the loveshack website was awesome during my divorce. Hope it works as well this time. Thanks.
FitChick Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Why not do things gradually? Tell her you want to see her every Wednesday or make it one night during the week. When she sees it won't kill her, she will become more open to more time.
Author thecleaner Posted December 11, 2012 Author Posted December 11, 2012 During the weeks I don't have the kids we do tend to see each other at least once during the week but I am always the one asking/initiating. It would be nice if once she would ask me to come over for dinner or offer to come to my place. But beggars can't be choosers and at least I get to see her.
FitChick Posted December 12, 2012 Posted December 12, 2012 If you are always the one doing the calling and planning, don't. See what she does. If she questions you, act very nonchalant and say, "I figured you'd call me if you wanted to get together." It's not like you've been dating only a few weeks. I'm thinking she's dating you because she's lazy. She works hard and doesn't want to make the effort to look for someone else as long as you do things her way.
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