Oops! Mother & Daughter (unintentional)

[KungFuJoe]

You might as well see if the Dad is interested and go for the TRIFECTA!

[Radu]

Imagine how interesting it will be at parties if you have a kid with each one of them.

[se7enof9]

Well things just happen so quick here.

 

I’ll just update in point form since my last post.

 

Get text saying she is with her mum and they would like us all to talk, could I come over? I refused saying I was still dealing with the fallout and maybe once my head is sorted we can do something like that. No response for close to an hour.

 

Next text says it went well with the mum and she would like us (her and I) to chat and she is on her way over. I told her I think it would be better if we waited a while. Again no response for 20 minutes.

 

I get a knock at the door and of course it is her. Now honestly I was so conflicted here, all I wanted to do was let her in and give her a hug but I knew it wasn’t the right time. I answered the door, before I have a chance to stop it she is inside and has given me a quick kiss on the way past.

 

I wont go into details here but we spoke for a while and she says it’s all sorted with her mum, she understands what happened, feels sorry for me, is grateful that I told the truth and let’s get on with our lives. Now I am not falling for that, there is no way she has dealt with this that easily, that quickly is there?

 

I tell her about why I think NC is appropriate (that was really hard, it’s not really something I want) but she is having no bar of that. She assures me all is good.

 

Now I know I will cop a great deal of grief for this but she has me wrapped around her finger, I can’t refuse her, I can’t resist her, we slept together tonight. I am not saying this to brag, far from it, I am not happy that I caved in.

 

Now I have a question. Is it at all possible that she really has seen this for what it was and could really be over it? I know it’s not probable but maybe it’s possible? Is it possible that her mum and her could sort through this in 2 hours (that’s how long she was there)?

 

I see no way that I can reasonably maintain NC with her. She will text, she will drop around just like tonight. Maybe it’s just better to go with the flow?

 

On another note I did have some luck in convincing her to see a counselor but she would only agree on the proviso that I came too as a couple. She says she doesn’t think it is necessary but will if I think we should. Now I really have no interest in seeing a counselor but feel obligated to do this for her.

 

Sorry I keep just posting away. It feels good to write it down and especially going back a day later a reading my posts with a clear mind helps.

[CarrieT]

Now I have a question. Is it at all possible that she really has seen this for what it was and could really be over it? I know it’s not probable but maybe it’s possible? Is it possible that her mum and her could sort through this in 2 hours (that’s how long she was there)?

Nope. And NinjaPajamas put it very, very eloquently and you should re-read that post.

 

I see no way that I can reasonably maintain NC with her. She will text, she will drop around just like tonight. Maybe it’s just better to go with the flow?

That is because YOU are choosing to not remain NC. She can text and you can ignore. You could have not opened the door. In many ways, I believe that you need to heal and need space and time away from this as much as they do.

 

On another note I did have some luck in convincing her to see a counselor but she would only agree on the proviso that I came too as a couple. She says she doesn’t think it is necessary but will if I think we should. Now I really have no interest in seeing a counselor but feel obligated to do this for her.

Good. I think only through extensive counseling for BOTH OF YOU *might* there be a chance, but I still have my doubts.

 

Good luck - and keep posting.

[angie2443]

I wasn't going to post anything, but the thread is still going, so-

 

As much as I respect and love my mom and my husband, if I found out that my H had slept with my mom (doesn't matter if he didn't know we were related, or if he knew my mom way before me), I could never look at his "member" the same way again. Yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Certain things just shouldn't be mixed.

[se7enof9]

Good. I think only through extensive counseling for BOTH OF YOU *might* there be a chance, but I still have my doubts.

 

Are you saying that I can have no contact with her but still go to counseling sessions?

 

She can text and you can ignore. You could have not opened the door.

 

How can I just ignore someone knocking at my door when I know the person on the other side of that door is the first person I have cared so deeply about since my wife? I don't think that is possible.

 

I guess I have to be cruel to be kind but that is oh so hard in reality.

[ascendotum]

Oh you're too busy to respond, are you f@@king my mum again?

At mums going in, hope you're not in there, AGAIN !!!!

 

Expect to get comments along these lines at various times down the track when ever she is in a stroppy mood with you. These comments were from only a day ago, and she is now in bed with you again. She's certainly fallen for you. I am not saying you should have talked to her though the door with the chain on, just this issue has not been buried, its just had a little bit of dirt kick over it, and it will resurface, like Ninja said. I guess if you have dealt with this so far you can deal with that when it happens.

Edited December 17, 2012 by ascendotum

[Divasu]

I do not agree with the 'no-contact', ignoring her, etc.

 

She already feels resentment and mistrust --- purposely ignoring her when/if she reaches out is just going to reinforce and validate those negative feelings. Her emotions ARE going to be like a rollercoaster for a good while, what she needs is stability and safety. Not being shut down and abandoned.

 

She needs to be treated with kindness and support so that she can learn to forgive. She can’t do that if his actions demonstrate he is not apologetic, that he's not available to listen when she chooses to share her feelings of disappointment and hurt.

 

I think he needs to demonstrate a repentant heart. If he ignores her, she will assign that in her mind as him turning his back on her and it will take her that much longer to heal. The longer she has to reflect upon the offense, the more faults/weaknesses she will ascribe to him (real or imagined). A possible result of that is she may never open herself up to him again (or anyone for that matter).

 

Communication is critical in terms of restoring the relationship. I think no contact is warranted is certain situations, I'm just not sure this is one of them. We don't want her to 'feel alone' and/or feel as though the OP does not care about her feelings. Ignoring her is 'dismissing' her feelings (at least that is how she will most likely view it in her mind's eye), and that will not restore trust and intimacy between two people.

[naviis]

I do not agree with the 'no-contact', ignoring her, etc.

 

She already feels resentment and mistrust --- purposely ignoring her when/if she reaches out is just going to reinforce and validate those negative feelings. Her emotions ARE going to be like a rollercoaster for a good while, what she needs is stability and safety. Not being shut down and abandoned.

 

She needs to be treated with kindness and support so that she can learn to forgive. She can’t do that if his actions demonstrate he is not apologetic, that he's not available to listen when she chooses to share her feelings of disappointment and hurt.

 

I think he needs to demonstrate a repentant heart. If he ignores her, she will assign that in her mind as him turning his back on her and it will take her that much longer to heal. The longer she has to reflect upon the offense, the more faults/weaknesses she will ascribe to him (real or imagined). A possible result of that is she may never open herself up to him again (or anyone for that matter).

 

Communication is critical in terms of restoring the relationship. I think no contact is warranted is certain situations, I'm just not sure this is one of them. We don't want her to 'feel alone' and/or feel as though the OP does not care about her feelings. Ignoring her is 'dismissing' her feelings (at least that is how she will most likely view it in her mind's eye), and that will not restore trust and intimacy between two people.

 

I agree but she needs to realize the source of her pain can't be her source of comfort right now. She needs to look for stability and reassurance elsewhere: friends, family... She needs to heal and rebuild her relationship with her mom.

 

And the OP needs to heal as well. I am not a huge fan of NC but in this situation all she is doing is reopening the wound over and over again. They all need to get over it, and the only way to truly get over anything is on your own. Her stability cannot rest on her relationship with OP, or it will always be fragile. Right now they are both afraid of letting go, so they are refusing to really give healing a try -- her by going back to him, and him by letting her.

[Divasu]

I agree but she needs to realize the source of her pain can't be her source of comfort right now. She needs to look for stability and reassurance elsewhere: friends, family... She needs to heal and rebuild her relationship with her mom.

 

And the OP needs to heal as well. I am not a huge fan of NC but in this situation all she is doing is reopening the wound over and over again. They all need to get over it, and the only way to truly get over anything is on your own. Her stability cannot rest on her relationship with OP, or it will always be fragile. Right now they are both afraid of letting go, so they are refusing to really give healing a try -- her by going back to him, and him by letting her.

 

Well naturally he cannot be her sole source of stability and comfort. If they both have no intention or desire to work things out, then yes, there should be complete no contact between both and they both go their seperate ways for good. If he has no desire to be with her and/or want to work things out, then yes, he should ignore her.

 

But, that doesn't seem to be the case here, nor has she told him to never contact her again. He chose to be honest with her about what happened, remember? Ignoring her would be like: 'hey I slept with your mother, now I'm going to ignore you'. If anything, he should let her choose versus making the decision for her. She should have a say in it too, shouldn't she?

[naviis]

Ignoring her would be like: 'hey I slept with your mother, now I'm going to ignore you'. If anything, he should let her choose versus making the decision for her.

 

Yup, I agree with that -- I also supported telling her the truth. I would hate for anyone to decide what's best for me or what I can and cannot handle. But one of them is going to have to be strong-willed (and it's not going to be her) -- talking is one thing, sleeping together is another. They're just prolonging the torture. And even though I fully acknowledge how angry she's entitled to be, he can't take her insults passively either. It's all very fresh right now but in the long run he's going to have to draw a line to what he's capable of taking. If there relationship has any chance they can't set a dynamic now where she can push him regardless of his feelings, or that dynamic will stay.

[Andy_K]

I see a lot has happened in the last few days since I checked this thread.

 

I'm going agree with the above... NC is not the answer here. If this girl loves you and says she needs you to be there for her, then that's exactly what you should be doing. Refusing to do so is pretending you know what's best for her - just like breaking up with her with no reason would have been. It's up to her to decide the pace here, and decide what she is or isn't comfortable with - not you. If this does work out, it's hardly going to look good if she can look back and say "When I needed you the most, you ignored me for a month".

 

A wise man once told me that every decision you make comes from either love or fear. If you'd broken up for no reason you'd have been hiding the truth because you feared the consequences. But you told the truth because you love her. Now you're ignoring her because you're afraid you or she can't handle the fallout. I suggest you instead meet/talk/support her as and when she needs it. Because you both clearly love each other.

 

Be someone who can be strong and dependable even in the middle of massive drama. It's what she needs. Keep your cool even if she doesn't. For now you should take her jibes about sleeping with her mum without anger or resentment, but without guilt too. They're to be expected and aren't a reflection on you.

 

There's no way to know if this will work out or not, but since you've started off by doing the right thing, I suggest you follow that habit through to the end.

[Fondue]

I do not agree with the 'no-contact', ignoring her, etc.

 

She already feels resentment and mistrust --- purposely ignoring her when/if she reaches out is just going to reinforce and validate those negative feelings. Her emotions ARE going to be like a rollercoaster for a good while, what she needs is stability and safety. Not being shut down and abandoned.

 

She needs to be treated with kindness and support so that she can learn to forgive. She can’t do that if his actions demonstrate he is not apologetic, that he's not available to listen when she chooses to share her feelings of disappointment and hurt.

 

I think he needs to demonstrate a repentant heart. If he ignores her, she will assign that in her mind as him turning his back on her and it will take her that much longer to heal. The longer she has to reflect upon the offense, the more faults/weaknesses she will ascribe to him (real or imagined). A possible result of that is she may never open herself up to him again (or anyone for that matter).

 

Communication is critical in terms of restoring the relationship. I think no contact is warranted is certain situations, I'm just not sure this is one of them. We don't want her to 'feel alone' and/or feel as though the OP does not care about her feelings. Ignoring her is 'dismissing' her feelings (at least that is how she will most likely view it in her mind's eye), and that will not restore trust and intimacy between two people.

 

Why are you painting a picture, labeling him as having done something wrong? The guy never had the chance of knowing how the women he chose to sleep with were related, the chances of this happening to anyone is astronomical.

 

He doesn't have to be apologetic and have a "repentant heart." Come on now, you can't shift blame where it doesn't belong.

 

Truth it, the guy didn't **** up. It was just bad coincidence.

 

The girl should be leaning on her friends, family, and maybe even her mother for support.

 

The OP wants to do NC, or at least is trying to (but unfortunately failing), and I think it is appropriate to do this NC.

 

But now that you slept together again, all has changed.

 

If she is willing to come over and have sex with you, then I think most of that "damage" was repaired. She probably realized it was all out of your control and if not dump you now, will slowly "heal that non-wound" herself.

[TG1]

At least you're keeping it in the family!

 

If I were you, I would just tell the truth and tell the both of them just what you have been up to with the both of them before they have to find out the hard way but if they already have, then it is too late

[salparadise]

Well things just happen so quick here.

 

I’ll just update in point form since my last post.

 

Get text saying she is with her mum and they would like us all to talk, could I come over? I refused saying I was still dealing with the fallout and maybe once my head is sorted we can do something like that. No response for close to an hour.

 

Next text says it went well with the mum and she would like us (her and I) to chat and she is on her way over. I told her I think it would be better if we waited a while. Again no response for 20 minutes.

 

I get a knock at the door and of course it is her. Now honestly I was so conflicted here, all I wanted to do was let her in and give her a hug but I knew it wasn’t the right time. I answered the door, before I have a chance to stop it she is inside and has given me a quick kiss on the way past.

 

I wont go into details here but we spoke for a while and she says it’s all sorted with her mum, she understands what happened, feels sorry for me, is grateful that I told the truth and let’s get on with our lives. Now I am not falling for that, there is no way she has dealt with this that easily, that quickly is there?

 

I tell her about why I think NC is appropriate (that was really hard, it’s not really something I want) but she is having no bar of that. She assures me all is good.

 

Now I know I will cop a great deal of grief for this but she has me wrapped around her finger, I can’t refuse her, I can’t resist her, we slept together tonight. I am not saying this to brag, far from it, I am not happy that I caved in.

 

Now I have a question. Is it at all possible that she really has seen this for what it was and could really be over it? I know it’s not probable but maybe it’s possible? Is it possible that her mum and her could sort through this in 2 hours (that’s how long she was there)?

 

I see no way that I can reasonably maintain NC with her. She will text, she will drop around just like tonight. Maybe it’s just better to go with the flow?

 

On another note I did have some luck in convincing her to see a counselor but she would only agree on the proviso that I came too as a couple. She says she doesn’t think it is necessary but will if I think we should. Now I really have no interest in seeing a counselor but feel obligated to do this for her.

 

Sorry I keep just posting away. It feels good to write it down and especially going back a day later a reading my posts with a clear mind helps.

 

 

I think everyone, including yourself, is assigning meaning and contorting this into something it's not. It seems that the mother is mature and wise and the daughter, although having some emotional backlash, is dealing with it fairly well and still wants the relationship, as do you. If the daughter wants to continue and is agreeable to going to counseling with you, and the mother is supportive, why not just focus on bringing everything to a state of understanding and equilibrium. Nobody did anything to be ashamed of and everyone has reacted appropriately. If the daughter can work through any residual emotions, then perhaps you two can have a wonderful relationship with the mother's blessing and support. There might actually come a time when all of you can sit around and chuckle about it as a happy family. The other side is that maybe it won't work out in the end, but you take that chance on any new relationship you begin. Sounds like you just need to be open minded and try to see possibilities rather than impossibilities.

[A O]

This will all end in a bigger mess than it already is. But the OP and his love interest are inclined to keep the roller coaster moving so continue on it will towards it inevitable rocky end. And as for telling the truth - telling the truth is like telling a lie, if its more about preserving your own interests while trampling over the interests of others then its not good. The OP should have walked away from this the minute her found out but he put his own interests ahead of everyone else's and they'll pay a bigger price in the final wash-up than he ever will.

[Charlie Harper]

I am a very positive person myself but I agree with A_O here after seeing what happened afterwards....mmm train wreck comes to mind, good luck. (you will need it).

[Divasu]

This will all end in a bigger mess than it already is. But the OP and his love interest are inclined to keep the roller coaster moving so continue on it will towards it inevitable rocky end. And as for telling the truth - telling the truth is like telling a lie, if its more about preserving your own interests while trampling over the interests of others then its not good. The OP should have walked away from this the minute her found out but he put his own interests ahead of everyone else's and they'll pay a bigger price in the final wash-up than he ever will.

 

Exactly.

 

The OP stated he wanted to make it as 'pain free as possible' after he discovered he slept with the mother. That could have been achieved by walking away completely --telling the daughter he's not interested in being 'exclusive', wish her well, and then dissappear for good.

 

The can of worms were opened when he CHOSE to come forward with the information. Perhaps the 'Cruel To Be Kind' statement would have been best suited beforehand, not after the fact...

 

Which do you think would hurt more: The initial sting from being rejected? Or, being told by your love interest that he/she slept with your parent, he/she then sends you flowers saying their sorry, and then abandons you.

 

IF he chose to be 'honest' to allieviate whichever guilt he may have felt, then the latter would certainly apply. IF he wanted to be 'honest' for the sake of being honest and in the hopes that they can continue their 'relationship' at a later time, the best thing would have been to tell her that he hopes they can continue their relationship after they've had some time to heal, tell her he won't be contacting her, but that if she needs him, he will be there for her. And then, be a man of his word and stick to it as opposed to ignoring her when she reaches out.

[se7enof9]

the best thing would have been to tell her that he hopes they can continue their relationship after they've had some time to heal

 

Which I did

 

tell her he won't be contacting her

 

Which I did

 

but that if she needs him, he will be there for her.

 

Which I dd

 

And then, be a man of his word and stick to it as opposed to ignoring her when she reaches out.

 

And when she reached out and said let's stay together, let's move past this together, let's build a future together I did what I should have done and was there for her.

 

It's only been a few days but everything seems to be moving along nicely (normally). There has been no more smart comments and it is as if it never happened.

 

I realise we are still on snaky ground and that it may blow up at some stage but I am taking her word at face value and hoping that we can move past this very unlucky situation.

 

I guess the biggest test will come over xmas when we visit her mum at some stage. If we get through that I cannot see any reason why this cannot work long term. I guess it's easier when both people have the other persons best interests at heart.

[Radu]

Be positive, you might end up in a FMF 3some on Christmas.

[se7enof9]

Be positive, you might end up in a FMF 3some on Christmas.

 

Inappropriate. Certainly not what any of us would want. If you can't be helpful then please just be quiet.

[se7enof9]

I thought I would update now that the Christmas / New Year insanity is finished.

 

I think I have stumbled across two of the most open minded people I have ever met. Since the last update I have had much time to discuss this whole ordeal with my girlfriend and have also sat down with the mother both alone and all three of us and discussed all aspects of what went down. I truly am amazed at how understanding they are.

 

I had Christmas lunch with them and their family and also spent New Years eve with them and the daughter and I are very much together and very much in love. Not one snide remark has been dropped, they said this situation has been dealt with and it certainly looks like they are sticking to it.

 

I am still finding it a little awkward. At one stage on Christmas Day I ended up alone inside with the mother. I thought this might be taken the wrong way by my girlfriend when she walked in on us but not a word was said.

 

I don't know if they are bottling things up and it will all explode one day but for the time being at least it seems as though we have a perfectly normal boyfriend/girlfriend + mother relationship.

[Andy_K]

Congrats, sounds like things are going really well for you. I think you've handled it very well and deserve some good fortune

[se7enof9]

I just come back to update in case any people were wondering.

 

It's been a month or so now and it just is like any other relationship. No mention is ever made that I slept with her mother.

 

The only bad thing that has happened is that my girlfriends older sister found out and is horrified. She has totally distanced herself from everyone and I feel guilty as I was the cause of it all. Both my girlfriend and her mother say not to worry and it's not my fault but I can't help feeling the way I do.

 

I guess if that is the worst thing to come of all this then it has all worked out pretty good. I don't think there are many mother/daughters that could have dealt with this.

[HitMeNow]

I lol'ed hard.

 

Not the end of the world. Tell your girl separately. Remember, at the end of the day you don't care if you have the mom's approval or not, you just have to be good with the daughter. Cheers.

 

And please have a 3some. Those porn flicks are hot.