Oops! Mother & Daughter (unintentional)

[CarrieT]

How long do I wait before contacting her?

Until she contacts you - if ever.

 

Should I avoid her?

Yes, at all costs.

 

Is that a signal that there is still a chance?

Yes - that signal would be both her and her mother coming to you, saying it was okay.

 

Is it ok to leave comments on her facebook page?

No - and you shouldn't have sent a balloon'd set of flowers (a BALLOOON????)

 

what level of contact is appropriate to show her how much I desperately want her in my life without turning into a stalker?

No Contact. Period. Give her a chance to heal. Maybe - with time - might the wound heal for both of you. But there is no way for it to even start healing if you keep contacting her.

 

Will it be better for her if I just completely cut all contact?

Yes, it would be better for all involved.

 

I desperately want to talk to her but I want to give her her space if that is what she needs. Any help?

You have both already said all that can be said. What more do you want to talk about? She needs space - and if she still misses you and can get through it with your absence - then perhaps there might be a chance for reconciliation.

 

Sorry to beg for help but I have no-one that would even come close to having any idea how to handle this.

No need to apologize, but realize that this site gets a lot less traffic on weekends which is why no one had responded until now...

 

Stay strong. Stay No Contact. Leave her alone for a while...

[Divasu]

Next time maybe you'll think twice before having sex with two different people at the same time.

[se7enof9]

No - and you shouldn't have sent a balloon'd set of flowers (a BALLOOON????)

 

Yeah, ok, lame I know.

 

I organized it late last night and was rather emotional. I just wanted something to say how sorry I was. I would have preferred a nicely worded card but would have had to have gone in today to organize that. Hence a small balloon with the flowers with a sad face.

 

Oh well, It sounded good last night.

[se7enof9]

Next time maybe you'll think twice before having sex with two different people at the same time.

 

Why is that an issue. We were all single, we all knew the score, it was never hidden.

 

Just got really really unlucky with my choice of women.

[CarrieT]

Why is that an issue. We were all single, we all knew the score, it was never hidden.

 

Just got really really unlucky with my choice of women.

 

Ignore Divasu. You did the right thing to be open and honest with everyone involved - you get kudos for that.

[yongyong]

In short I guess what I am asking is what level of contact is appropriate to show her how much I desperately want her in my life without turning into a stalker.

 

If that's what you wanted in the end, then why did you tell them about it? sound idiot to me.

I know you are going to say 'I wanted to be honest'

I am pretty sure you are going to tell next girl about this past since you are honest?

 

What I am saying is you should've kept it private as much as you could. You guys could've just split because of personality issues and no one would've gotten hurt.

 

It's for their BENEFIT. Now the daughter and mom are going to live with the misery of having the same dick in their pussy rest of their lives because a selfish person like you wanted to be Honest.

 

You opened your mouth with knowing obvious consequences....I am baffled.

Edited December 16, 2012 by yongyong

[Divasu]

Why is that an issue. We were all single, we all knew the score, it was never hidden.

 

I suppose if one practices polyamory, it's not an issue...

 

'Hey we're all having sex with other people while having sex with each other, yayhoo!'

[ThaWholigan]

OP, I admire your bravery. I think that although this is probably going to be a f*cked up experience for her (and probably her mother), ultimately you were not at fault and you did the right thing in the end.

 

It's going to be rather difficult as you will feel it too, but to stay out of contact is the best thing. You of course will also need to do some healing as no doubt you will be upset too. I would say to focus on you for now and give yourself some space as well as her. In the end, things will work out OK for you in the end .

[yongyong]

Seriously, you call that a Bravery? like how I explained in my post, it's just Stupidity.

 

I would give him a respect if he just ended things with her by making other excuses to avoid the possibility of getting exposed.

 

 

 

OP, I admire your bravery. I think that although this is probably going to be a f*cked up experience for her (and probably her mother), ultimately you were not at fault and you did the right thing in the end.

 

It's going to be rather difficult as you will feel it too, but to stay out of contact is the best thing. You of course will also need to do some healing as no doubt you will be upset too. I would say to focus on you for now and give yourself some space as well as her. In the end, things will work out OK for you in the end .

[ThaWholigan]

Seriously, you call that a Bravery? like how I explained in my post, it's just Stupidity.

 

I would give him a respect if he just ended things with her by making other excuses to avoid the possibility of getting exposed.

It is brave. And you could call bravery stupid. Quite easily. Sometimes the brave thing to do is logically the stupid thing to do.

 

However, it was still the right thing to do. People like to condone lying too much, it's refreshing that he was able to own up to his mistakes. Whether it will ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship between the young woman and her mother - that's another matter. If he lied and said he couldn't see her for some other reason, that wouldn't have been terrible, but that he was honorable enough to tell the truth - I couldn't chastise a man for that

[se7enof9]

I have just got off the phone with her, she rang to thank me for the flowers.

 

We just talked about what we talked about yesterday. I read was was written here and had to be cruel to be kind. I told her I will not be calling her, we all, myself included, need time.

 

I don't think she was impressed with that but I told her I will always be here for her if she ever needs me. She told me she needs me now more than ever but it just can't happen.

 

I saw it was going in circles so I ended the phone call. I feel sick right now.

[CarrieT]

We just talked about what we talked about yesterday.

See - that's what I said; there is nothing to talk about because you will just re-hash what has already been said.

 

I read was was written here and had to be cruel to be kind. I told her I will not be calling her, we all, myself included, need time.

Good lad.

 

I don't think she was impressed with that but I told her I will always be here for her if she ever needs me. She told me she needs me now more than ever but it just can't happen.

Of course she won't be impressed. She doesn't understand the necessity of NC the way it has been drilled to you. She understands intellectually that although "she needs you now more" and that it can't happen, that you responding to her everything time she calls you will be detrimental to all.

 

I saw it was going in circles so I ended the phone call. I feel sick right now.

Good - I'm glad you are at least seeing the futility of those circles you are in. And it will hurt for a while - and I'm sorry for that - but you are doing the right thing.

 

Try and bury yourself in something that will get your mind off things; go see a bunch of movies or run or be with friends that will fill your head with mindless stuff other than the replaying soundtrack of your discussion with the girl.

 

Be strong for her and for you - it will be best for all...

[yongyong]

That's not lying. If you lie just for your own interest, yeah that's lying.

If he didn't tell the Truth, they could be free from this tremendous amount of shock.

 

So

1.He dumps her by saying we are not compatible and the girl gets upset or mad for short period time. (he is like some of her ex, who cares?)

 

2.He tells her I banged your mom too and the girl and her mom have to carry it rest of their lives.

 

Which one is better for Them?

 

Do you tell women why you can't date her Honestly?

Do women tell you why they can't date you Honestly?

(sorry you are not good in bed, your breath stinks, your feet look weird etc)

 

Why do they LIE instead of telling the real truth? because it will hurt you and they will feel guilty by saying that

 

 

 

 

 

It is brave. And you could call bravery stupid. Quite easily. Sometimes the brave thing to do is logically the stupid thing to do.

 

However, it was still the right thing to do. People like to condone lying too much, it's refreshing that he was able to own up to his mistakes. Whether it will ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship between the young woman and her mother - that's another matter. If he lied and said he couldn't see her for some other reason, that wouldn't have been terrible, but that he was honorable enough to tell the truth - I couldn't chastise a man for that

[se7enof9]

I would seriously like to thank everyone here for listening. Although I guess deep down I always knew what was right I just needed the reassurance. I can't imagine one person in my life that would come anywhere near understanding this messed up situation.

 

As much as life conspired to screw me over here it has also done so at a very lucky time. Being xmas, I will have plenty of family and friends around. I really feel very deeply sorry that her xmas will not be as joyous with her family. I want to make it better but I know I can't.

[yongyong]

Forget it man. you made a choice.

 

No girl from an average family would let that kind of thing slide.

 

She is more sad about her/mom/you thing than breaking up with you.

 

Breaking up with someone can be devastating for couple months.

But being in a such situation with your mother rest of your lives? god......

 

 

I have just got off the phone with her, she rang to thank me for the flowers.

 

We just talked about what we talked about yesterday. I read was was written here and had to be cruel to be kind. I told her I will not be calling her, we all, myself included, need time.

 

I don't think she was impressed with that but I told her I will always be here for her if she ever needs me. She told me she needs me now more than ever but it just can't happen.

 

I saw it was going in circles so I ended the phone call. I feel sick right now.

[Charlie Harper]

You did the right thing, and in the long run its the best you could do, because even if you bailed out, they would have found out sooner or later.

 

I found myself in almost that situation long time ago (sisters) and I also did not know... i came clean and one cant see me to this day and the other is still my friend.

 

Let them have time to heal, distract yourself, don't get trapped inblame because you could not know, and to be honest at the time I thought, why I feel bad for having sex with 2 women who like me and KNOW i am not exclusive?

 

I can bet that they (mom and daughter ) will have a huge fight or argument and then they will see you are not to blame, either they will let it slide, or she will call you... but its going to be difficult. In my case I never slept with any of the 2 afterwards...

 

my 2 cents

[Divasu]

This situation is fubar, there is no 'one way' that is going to be better than the other that will assuage the damage inflicted.

 

Just got really really unlucky with my choice of women.

 

No, you did not get unlucky with your choice of woman. You chose to have sex with two people simultaneously.

 

I have grown to love the younger girl

 

Did this happen while you were boning her mother (unknowingly)?

 

I’m not really concerned about my reputation or my feelings here

 

But you were concerned with your feelings, erm...your penis, prior to this all coming to a head...

 

She asked for us to be exclusive three weeks ago and I immediately ended it with the older woman.

 

And if she hadn't said anything about being exclusive, would you have continued sleeping with the mother?

 

She actually had a boyfriend at the time but split up a few weeks later.

 

So the daughter had a boyfriend, yet was sleeping with you too?

 

Like I said, fubar.

 

I know I am giving you a hard time and I am sorry for that. This woman is most likely going to be scarred for life by this. I probably couldn't even be in the same room with my mother if this had happened to me. Just looking at her would make me sick to my stomach.

[KungFuJoe]

I NEVER agree with yongyong. EVER.

 

But I agree with him here.

 

There was no need to tell the girl he was sleeping with her mom. People break up all the time for obscure reasons. He could have just made something up.

 

There is honesty and then there is brutal honesty.

 

I don't condone being dishonest, but sometimes lying is necessary.

[Cutiepie1976]

I'll disagree with many of the posters here. I believe you handled the situation as well as it could be handled under the circumstances. I don't personally practice casual sex, and never have, but you were open with both about what you were doing. I believe in honesty. I would rather know that you were banging my mother (ewww) than have to wonder about which of my many flaws was the deal breaker.

 

In your ex-GF's shoes, I would have been grateful for the flowers. Would have preferred a thoughtful card with a heartfelt apology instead of balloons, but hey you were trying and that's what would have mattered to me. None of us gets it right all the time. I would have appreciated that you tried.

 

I'm not a fan of no contact when both individuals can behave like respectful adults. Obviously, you like each other very much. You thought she was special enough to ditch your other options. If you're still interested in her, I would reach out in a month or two and suggest lunch.

 

Unfortunate set of choices all around.

[naviis]

No, you did not get unlucky with your choice of woman. You chose to have sex with two people simultaneously.

 

That has nothing to do with anything. They had both agreed to see other people - that's their choice. Whether he had ended it with the mother before he even met the daughter, the end result would still be that he'd be dating a girl whose mother he boned - which is not an attractive feat.

 

OP has done nothing wrong here; and he did owe both women the truth, no matter how ugly.

[ComingInHot]

You need to let the daughter dictate how the relationship will progress, if at all. It sounds like you already know that though.

Crazy situations happen all the time. You're handling it w/honesty. That is also the hardest way to handle it but in the end you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and respect the man looking bak at you*

[Divasu]

That has nothing to do with anything. They had both agreed to see other people - that's their choice. Whether he had ended it with the mother before he even met the daughter, the end result would still be that he'd be dating a girl whose mother he boned - which is not an attractive feat.

 

OP has done nothing wrong here; and he did owe both women the truth, no matter how ugly.

 

Actually after having thought about it, I believe you are correct.

 

Even if he hadn't slept with BOTH WOMEN AT THE SAME TIME, it wouldn't change the fact that he had already slept with the mother prior to meeting the daughter.

 

So, my apologies for that statement.

[se7enof9]

You need to let the daughter dictate how the relationship will progress, if at all.

 

I have no idea how to read women sometimes. I thought giving her space / healing time was the right move. Last night I receive a text saying goodnight, I debated whether to reply but thought it would be rude not to, so I replied with the same. She replied with I Love You. Now I couldn't not respond to that so I told her You know I love you too and after we have healed I hope to continue our relationship. Sounded a bit stupid but I am not great with finding the appropriate words. That was all for last night.

 

This morning I get a good morning text which I didn't respond to simply because I didn't hear it. About an hour later I got another text saying, Oh you're too busy to respond, are you f@@king my mum again? WOW!! Now I know what she is going through so I wont take it to heart so I just responded with sorry, missed the first text, good morning to you too. That second message was not fair. I didn't get a reply.

 

This afternoon I get a text from her, missing you, wish you were here with me. I said you know the feeling is more than mutual but we agreed to No Contact (thanks LS for that terminology) are you having second thoughts? She said, I never wanted that in the first place, we are still exclusive, yes?. I said Of course I have no plans to see anyone but you. Then she responded with, Seeing mum tonight, will need you afterwards, drinks/coffee? I responded with let's just wait and see how it all goes.

 

I got the next text literally 10 minutes ago when she arrived at her mums. At mums going in, hope you're not in there, AGAIN !!!!

 

Now what is she playing at? I realize she must be awfully conflicted, is that all it is? She has a wicked sense of humor and I wouldn't put it past her but I don't think it's the right time to be joking.

 

What do I do from here? One message it seems like we are on track and she even wants to meet, the next I am copping a dig about her mum and I. If I remove the mum comments it seems as though she wants us to be together but add those in and she holds a deep resentment towards me (I understand why, not complaining, just an observation). But if she wants to meet what do I do? I really don't want to say no to her. I thought this NC would be best but she obviously doesn't want that hence all the texts. If she wants to meet wouldn't saying no, maybe in a few months be a slap in the face to her?

 

Thoughts?

 

I bolded the text messages for clarity.

[CarrieT]

You didn't even try for NC for 48 hours...

 

She is obviously hurting and suspicious.

 

I would heartily, heartily recommend true NC for at least a month. No "good mornings" or ANYTHING. The snarky comments she is sending to you is her attempt to punish you *and* keep you on her hook and it is working.

 

Until she can be with you without the snark or hurt or suspicion, there can be no relationship....

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's going to be half love, half resentment/hurt every time she speaks with you, you need to realize that she's in no condition to be clear and non-misleading...It's like you're the medic with a traumatically injured soldier on the table, and right now you know there's nothing you can do even though they are screaming in pain, because you've just ran out of morphine.

 

But instead imagine this is an emotional wound as well as psychological, and there's no pill that cures that, not reason, not logic, not understanding or even support. It's going to take time for her to sort out her emotions and figure out how she really feels about this, ultimately she still loves you and wants to move forward because she's going to run into that steel door...because in her mind everything would have been going "perfect" (even though realistically you had more to go) but she'll see it that way in her mind and she'll feel like you sabotaged this and ruined it, she will resent the mother but since it's the mother she will move past it.

 

However even in the future, if she was to even try considering you in the picture again...she'd flip out and freak because she'd imagine you with her mother, and the hurt, anger, resentment would fire up all over again, she'd feel disgusted and torn with her dual emotions...and it's not going to work out in the end.

 

You're going to have to be the bigger man and take the hit of NC, even though you love her and apart of you feels you did nothing wrong...you need to realize that what is best for her, is the hardest thing to do...that's shut her down, shut her out and let the pain rip through her like a shockwave...eventually she'll recollect herself, hopefully patch up the relationship with her mom (likely) and eventually move on.

 

With your presence, she will always be reminded of the past...instead of be able to move/look forward. I'm sure you could make it more difficult and fight for this, but think about the consequences and you know there's nothing you can do to fix this completely...there will always be that lingering though and pain of you and her mom doing the naked zebra on that shag carpet of her moms floor.