se7enof9 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Well as the title suggests I am sleeping with both the mother and the daughter. But before everyone jumps the gun and assumes this is just a fantasy please believe me that it is not and in fact it is not even what you think. I am sleeping with them both but it was an absolute accident and I am devastated by it. This is all going to come to a head this weekend and I need a way to break the news to them gently so as to not harm their relationship. Briefly, I met an older woman a year ago playing pokies, we were just sitting next to each other and started chatting. It happened again a week later and then a week later again. On that third week she suggested we go to the bistro for a meal. We did, we clicked, and we have been seeing each other ever since on a very casual basis. We both made it very very clear with each other that this was not a relationship, just a couple of friends enjoying each others company. It was very clear we were not exclusive. I met a younger girl six months ago at a party. We clicked and we started seeing each other. It was again made very clear that it was not exclusive, in fact she actually had a boyfriend at the time but split up a few weeks later. The older woman and I has only ever been about sex but I have grown to love the younger girl (and her me). She asked for us to be exclusive three weeks ago and I immediately ended it with the older woman (and another girl I occasionally saw). Now the problem is I only realized yesterday that they are mother/daughter. The daughter asked me to come and meet her family and gave me the address of her mums house where we will be having a family dinner and when I saw the address I nearly died. Now I don’t believe I did anything wrong and I would like to try and continue the relationship with the daughter but I don’t believe that will be possible. So what I am hoping is to spare them as much pain and embarrassment as possible. No-one here has done anything wrong, it has just been a freak set of circumstances. The only thing I can think of is to break up with the daughter with some made up reason and never see any of them again. Sure the daughter will hurt for a while but it’s better than the alternative of finding out I was sleeping with her mum at the same time I was with her isn’t it? The trouble is that they may find out anyway. Or do I come clean and tell all, and if so how do I go about it? I’m not really concerned about my reputation or my feelings here, I just want to make it as pain free as possible for them. I would hate to be in their shoes.
Radu Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You need to track down the father, get him drunk and see if he is gay or bicurious. Hopefully you can 'collect them all'. 25
tori0001 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 I have no advice, I'm speechless. I just wish you the best. It's a small world.
IT Geek Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 At least you're keeping it in the family! 3
Emilia Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Or do I come clean and tell all, and if so how do I go about it? I’m not really concerned about my reputation or my feelings here, I just want to make it as pain free as possible for them. I would hate to be in their shoes. You should break up with the daughter out of respect and not give her the real reason but make up something. This ship has sailed. You were having sex with both simultaneously non-exclusively. There is no way to recover from this and to be fair, personally I wouldn't want to date a man who was ok with my having slept with his father too - especially in a parallel relationship. No-one loves you that much. If the daughter kept dating you after this it would indicate that she was seriously f***ed up. 4
Andy_K Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 One of the pitfalls of multi-dating? I'd suggest you drip feed it. Tell the younger girl that up until she asked you to be exclusive, you were sleeping with an older woman, and does that bother her? If so great, then you can bail out straight away. If not, tell her you're terrified it might be her mum, because the address matches. Then, if by some miracle not flipped out, she obviously needs to have some sort of conversation with her mum prior to your turning up suddenly at the weekend. It's nobody's fault, so just let fate take care of the fallout. Better to have the real reason for a break up, no matter how screwed up it is. 6
angie2443 Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 You need to track down the father, get him drunk and see if he is gay or bicurious. Hopefully you can 'collect them all'. Best idea so far!
stillafool Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Rent the movie "The Graduate". You cannot tell the daughter you were having an affair with her mother as it will ruin their relationship. Also if the mother is married it will ruin her marriage. The only thing that is appropriate at this point is to bough out gracefully. 3
Emilia Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Better to have the real reason for a break up, no matter how screwed up it is. The real reason is not having them find out about each other. Not hurting another person and not making them feel disgusted are good reasons I think. 1
Andy_K Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 The real reason is not having them find out about each other. Not hurting another person and not making them feel disgusted are good reasons I think. The young girl gets hurt either way. If he bails without a reason it might damage her future relationships with men. If she finds out what's been going on it might damage her relationship with her mother. Who is to say one is more 'right' than another? Nobody here has done anything wrong (assuming the mother is single). If the mother and daughter are mature adults they'll get past it, regardless of whether it turns the daughter off the guy. 1
naviis Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 (edited) Oh dear. That is unfortunate! If I were the girl, I'd rather know. If I've been with someone 6 months I have feelings for them, and to have them bail without any explanation or one that seems to come out of the blue would devastate me. In addition, I would hate for anyone to make any decision for me. If a guy I was seeing used to sleep with my mom, I would not be okay with it, but I would definitely not want the guy to just assume I wouldn't without talking to me and bail. I'm with Andy_K on this one. That being said, I kinda want to high five you. Edited December 11, 2012 by naviis 1
stillafool Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 The young girl gets hurt either way. If he bails without a reason it might damage her future relationships with men. If she finds out what's been going on it might damage her relationship with her mother. Who is to say one is more 'right' than another? Nobody here has done anything wrong (assuming the mother is single). If the mother and daughter are mature adults they'll get past it, regardless of whether it turns the daughter off the guy. I would be disgusted having sex with someone who had had sex with my mother. I'd rather he just go missing. I could get over it; but that's just me. 1
GLDheart Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 Haha... This is great. Now they can have a laugh and a chat about you in bed... You better hope you were awesome! 2
FitChick Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It depends on the kind of relationship she has with her mum. I recently read about a woman whose husband was having an affair with her mother. It didn't bother her at all! She said it was better than dating some creepy, random stranger who might be a stalker or diseased. Different strokes for different folks. What you might do is tell her about a "friend" who confided in you and what should he do? How would she react if she were in the same situation? You'll get a better sense of what you need to do. Could you ask the mother what to do? If she likes you and doesn't want her daughter hurt, she might keep your secret.
ascendotum Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 The young girl gets hurt either way. If he bails without a reason it might damage her future relationships with men. If she finds out what's been going on it might damage her relationship with her mother. Who is to say one is more 'right' than another? Nobody here has done anything wrong (assuming the mother is single). If the mother and daughter are mature adults they'll get past it, regardless of whether it turns the daughter off the guy. But the younger woman has to keep seeing the mother. There is an on-going family/blood relationship there that really cannot be avoided. That relationship stays the distance so it is the more important one to preserve. Its much better that he bows out of the budding relationship with the daughter, with some excuse/reason that hopefully makes her feel like she was not dumped. My other thought was, that he contact the mother in advance of this dinner and let her know about this situation, and see what the outcome with her will be. The mother definitely wont see him anymore, and she might stay quite and let him continue with the daughter, but most likely she will be a bit freaked out and decide that he is to totally exit off the scene. I doubt very much that the mother would let the daughter know such a conversation took place.
clia Posted December 11, 2012 Posted December 11, 2012 It's time for you to "poof" right out of both of their lives.
Author se7enof9 Posted December 12, 2012 Author Posted December 12, 2012 My other thought was, that he contact the mother in advance of this dinner and let her know about this situation, and see what the outcome with her will be. My main concern is causing as little pain as possible to my girlfriend. The best option would be talking things through with the mum and if she agrees to keep it quiet then no-one needs to get hurt at all. Whether the mum and I will be able to deal with the weirdness of being around each other is a different story. I only have one chance to tell my girlfriend, if I keep it quiet now there is no chance I can have a change of heart and tell her months down the track so if the mum and I decide to stay quiet it is a lifetime decision. I will speak to the mum first, I have just sent a text message telling her I would like to meet to chat, hopefully I get a positive reply. I think the mum will be understanding, she did say once that her daughter was seeing a man in much the same scenario that we were seeing each other (very casual) and that he seemed good for her and she hoped it progressed to something more permanent. That meant nothing to me at the time but I now realise that was me she was talking about, this is a very surreal situation. Of course when it is as close to home as this will be I think all rules will be thrown out the window. This has really knocked me about. I woke up with a migraine, I feel physically ill, I have been throwing up all day. But I can't sit around and sulk I need to get this sorted before the weekend. I can't stop thinking of how much I am going to hurt my girlfriend, it's driving me crazy. If the mum says to end it with her daughter, and lets me be the one to tell her, what excuse can I use to break it off. I can't think of anything that doesn't sound like a big load of BS. It's such a messed up situation even telling the truth would sound like BS.
Author se7enof9 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 I met up with the mum today for lunch and told her what is going on. It was a bit difficult starting the conversation, I started by asking what WE were having for lunch on Sunday, she just didn't get it so I spilled the beans. It's safe to say she wasn't overly impressed. Think of a beautiful woman turning into a screaming lunatic and going postal, yelling and screaming in the middle of a food court at a shopping centre.... well that's what I copped. She told me to stay away and never so much as even think about them again. Two hours later it all changed, she phoned me up and said she had time to think about it all and that she now realizes that I couldn’t control that situation. She said she doesn’t want me seeing her daughter anymore but all he daughter does is speak about this wonderful man so she will keep her mouth shut if I want to continue. So based on the above, what should I do? I really want to see where my feelings for the daughter take us. As long as the mum holds true to her word then the daughter will never need to find out. But that opens up a moral dilemma to me, I really don’t want to start a relationship with this girl hiding something from her. I guess I just answered my own question.
ascendotum Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 wow, what a roller coaster of events. Well it actually turned out like I thought it would be good outcome for you, still it does not leave you feeling like a good guy over it. Look if you never had to meet the mother again, you could put this behind you and get by. If you are closer to the mother's age, then it will sting for her to see you in love with her daughter anytime you go to her place...and the trouble is the daughter will be ignorant of this, so could invite you over there often. I think the mother will do the right thing by her daughter, and keep quite, but its a dirty little secret, that you and her need to keep. I see you are reconsidering the daughter relationship and I do think that's probably for the best, but tricky to do a u-turn with out a good explanation and not coming off as another 'Ive had my fun and she's starting to get serious now so time to bale' guy
Andy_K Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 The mum has been as mature about it as you could realistically expect - she's now calmed down and understands it wasn't your fault. And don't you feel better for having told her? You already know what you have to do next. Tell the daughter. But you might want to brace the mum for this first... text her to say you're going to tell the daughter because (being the wonderful man that you are) you don't want to keep secrets or base a relationship on a lie. The daughter, after going ballistic, will then be able to make an informed choice about whether she kicks you out of her life or not. Plus, now that her mum is over the shock, she'll be able to react in a much more rational manner when the daughter finds out. 2
Author se7enof9 Posted December 13, 2012 Author Posted December 13, 2012 You already know what you have to do next. Tell the daughter. It sounds so easy when you just say it but when I play out what I am going to say and how I will say it I can't find a way that tells the truth about what has happened while also expressing my love for her and my desire to try and work through this together because I truly believe we have something special. Anyway, I will bumble my way through this on Saturday night when we are supposed to be going to dinner and a movie and she is staying the night at my place. Fingers crossed that it goes well or at the very least it doesn't hurt her too deeply. PS. I will text the mum too, good idea, thanks.
CarrieT Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 I really don’t want to start a relationship with this girl hiding something from her. I guess I just answered my own question. You really did just answer your own question... She said she doesn’t want me seeing her daughter anymore but all he daughter does is speak about this wonderful man so she will keep her mouth shut if I want to continue. Here's the thing... If relations with the daughter REALLY progressed - I mean, play it all the way out to a wedding and a family - at some point (and you KNOW it would happen), the story will come out. You and your wife will have a fight and she will run home to her mother. In trying to console her daughter, the mother will commiserate and tell her what a rotten person you are and how she knows... Or something of that ilk. This is too big to stay a secret for the rest of your life.
Fondue Posted December 13, 2012 Posted December 13, 2012 You are kind of my hero, OP. I can empathize with you, but I also think that it is friggin' fabulous situatin, hahaha. I can't say I have experience in this, but I would imagine your best friend is the mom in this situation. Let her be the one to kind steer things in the "right" direction. If she is cool with it, she will make it easier on you to continue to pursue the daughter. A woman can keep a secret, it is whether or not YOU can. Also, I know you might feel "guilty," but you shouldn't. You literally had 0% control over this occuring. You were simply dating women, tried to find the "right" one for you. It just a freakish thing that to the two you saw were related. In the end, I am sure the daughter would also realize that it was out of your hands. If she ever finds out, she will be pissed as all hell, but sooner or later she will realize it just... was. She may even get over it. She also can't blame you if you kept it a "secret" either. You can tell her that your relationship with her meant so much with you that you were willing to risk the secrecy. I dunno. Goodluck, man. Keep us updated. I am dying to hear what transpires. 1
Author se7enof9 Posted December 15, 2012 Author Posted December 15, 2012 Well tonight was the most devastating night of my life. I am not saying that lightly, I am crushed by what happened. I knew it was coming but that didn’t make the pain any less. Never before in my life have I felt such overwhelming emotions, after I told her we both cried, we held each other for what felt like hours. We discussed it further but it was just too emotional. There were no arguments, no shouting, just two people that knew no matter how much they wanted it to work that it just couldn’t. Needless to say, as expected, we have split up. She loves me, I know that is true, the way we held each other has confirmed everything I thought about her but this is just too big to get over. She kept telling me over and over how much she wanted me, we even kissed passionately during all this a number of times. We don’t want it to end but it is more than she can deal with. I can’t say I blame her. She obviously didn’t stay the night, she left about an hour ago but I texted her when I thought she'd be home to see if she was ok, funnily enough at the exact time she sent me a facebook private message asking the same thing. She is going to skip the lunch tomorrow (obviously a good move). I have organized for flowers to be sent flowers to her place with an ‘I’m Sorry’ balloon for tomorrow. I hope that’s not inappropriate. I think that given time we may have a shot at resurrecting this relationship but I have no idea how to approach things from here. How long do I wait before contacting her? Should I avoid her (we have a party we are both invited to the day after xmas, should I go)? I don’t want to make her life any more difficult. She has posted on her facebook page "I still luv him so much, why does life always do this 2 me”. Is that a signal that there is still a chance? Is it ok to leave comments on her facebook page? In short I guess what I am asking is what level of contact is appropriate to show her how much I desperately want her in my life without turning into a stalker. Or is the situation irretrievable and all I am doing is prolonging her agony and mine? It doesn’t seem to be a question of if we want to be together but rather can we. I am more in love with her now after the way she handled this than I was before. I have been single for a long time (by choice), I never wanted a relationship with anyone unless I felt 100% committed to them. I know she is the one, I more than know it, I can feel it, I can smell it, I have told her all this, when she says she feels the same I literally get goosebumps. But I think I am just making the split harder on her by doing this. Will it be better for her if I just completely cut all contact? Sorry for the long post, I am just needing to get it all out. Any advice, comments appreciated.
Author se7enof9 Posted December 16, 2012 Author Posted December 16, 2012 No-one? Before I screw this up more does anyone have any ideas / advice? As per my previous post: How long do I wait before contacting her? Should I avoid her? Is that a signal that there is still a chance? Is it ok to leave comments on her facebook page? what level of contact is appropriate to show her how much I desperately want her in my life without turning into a stalker? Will it be better for her if I just completely cut all contact? I desperately want to talk to her but I want to give her her space if that is what she needs. Any help? Sorry to beg for help but I have no-one that would even come close to having any idea how to handle this.
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