First Date Went way too fast...

[ciws14]

After a year, I decided to finally to start dating. I met a great girl online and we seemed to hit it off very well. I mean really well. We had very similar interested in almost everything. Only problem; she was in a 6 year relationship and only broke up for a month. She said she was over it. I was mentally split up with my ex wife for about 3 years before we finally pulled the trigger and split. So assumed it was the same with her. I found myself completely enamored by her. I got caught up in the moment. I mentally overlooked that I guess.

 

Well, we ended up going out and had an absolute blast. No complaints what so ever. She was beautiful, smart, you name it. We ended up back at her place after dinner and some drinks. Watched a movie and made out a bit. She was ready for everything, but I did not allow it. It wasn't right on the first date and I'm old fashioned in that way. I left her house about 2am the next morning and everything was fine. So I thought. She called me in tears and basically told me she thought she was over her ex, but she isn't. She hates him, but I can see that after being with somebody for 6 years. I kind of saw this coming, but I guess I chose to ignore it. She hates her ex, but is still getting over it. He did leave her with no notice whatsoever. So I guess she really hasn't had time to grieve. I am crazy about this girl as she is the contrary to everything I've ever had in my life.

 

She doesn't want to stop talking to me, but she wants to slow things way down. Which I can appreciate. She loves what we have she says. As do I. I think I just jumped the gun too much. Needless to say I am really beside myself right now. I though my life was finally starting to turn around. We text nearly every day and talk a lot. I let her vent to me and try to give her advise, but it is hard. I have a lot of feelings for her for the little bit of time I've known her. We talked for a few weeks before finally going out. Again, I am very old fashioned. So she has really grown on me.

 

She says she wants me in her life and doesn't want to loose me in any way. But it is so hard for me knowing what she is going through. I think I am just being selfish and I got in over my head. I am 36 and I should know better, but I fed right into this and let myself get emotionally attached too fast. This I am pissed about.

 

Should I stop contact with her or continue to help her through this? It's hard for me to sit idly by while she suffers like this, but she needs to go through it. I did. It sucks. I cannot expect somebody whom has a 6 year relationship with somebody be over it very fast. It doesn't work that way. She needs time to grieve. How much depends on her and I realize she needs to find herself again.

 

I guess I'm asking if I should put some space between us now or what? She usually reaches out to me first and then we engage in conversation. But I'm not sure what is better to do. Separate from her completely or continue doing what I'm doing. I would love to think I would be the one she would want once she found herself again, but I think that is unrealistic. Suggestions or thoughts?

 

Thanks for listening!

[ja123]

As hard as it is, I'd go no contact (explain to her, of course), and check out other options.

 

Maybe in 6-12 months, she'll be ready to come to you with an open, loving, and healed heart.

 

Good luck.

[ciws14]

Thanks for the response JA123.

 

Couple of questions on that:

 

1. What would the no contact entail?
   
2. How would you suggest the best way to explain this to her?
   

 

I am having reservations about this, as I do listen to her and try to help her through it. As I have been through the same thing. But, she does also have other people she can lean on, family friends, etc.

 

Would this no contact entail removing her from FB as well?

 

Thanks again.

[Emilia]

After a year, I decided to finally to start dating. I met a great girl online and we seemed to hit it off very well. I mean really well. We had very similar interested in almost everything. Only problem; she was in a 6 year relationship and only broke up for a month. She said she was over it. I was mentally split up with my ex wife for about 3 years before we finally pulled the trigger and split. So assumed it was the same with her. I found myself completely enamored by her. I got caught up in the moment. I mentally overlooked that I guess.

Well, we ended up going out and had an absolute blast. No complaints what so ever. She was beautiful, smart, you name it. We ended up back at her place after dinner and some drinks. Watched a movie and made out a bit. She was ready for everything, but I did not allow it. It wasn't right on the first date and I'm old fashioned in that way. I left her house about 2am the next morning and everything was fine. So I thought. She called me in tears and basically told me she thought she was over her ex, but she isn't. She hates him, but I can see that after being with somebody for 6 years. I kind of saw this coming, but I guess I chose to ignore it. She hates her ex, but is still getting over it. He did leave her with no notice whatsoever. So I guess she really hasn't had time to grieve. I am crazy about this girl as she is the contrary to everything I've ever had in my life.

 

She doesn't want to stop talking to me, but she wants to slow things way down. Which I can appreciate. She loves what we have she says. As do I. I think I just jumped the gun too much. Needless to say I am really beside myself right now. I though my life was finally starting to turn around. We text nearly every day and talk a lot. I let her vent to me and try to give her advise, but it is hard. I have a lot of feelings for her for the little bit of time I've known her. We talked for a few weeks before finally going out. Again, I am very old fashioned. So she has really grown on me.

She says she wants me in her life and doesn't want to loose me in any way. But it is so hard for me knowing what she is going through. I think I am just being selfish and I got in over my head. I am 36 and I should know better, but I fed right into this and let myself get emotionally attached too fast. This I am pissed about.

 

Should I stop contact with her or continue to help her through this? It's hard for me to sit idly by while she suffers like this, but she needs to go through it. I did. It sucks. I cannot expect somebody whom has a 6 year relationship with somebody be over it very fast. It doesn't work that way. She needs time to grieve. How much depends on her and I realize she needs to find herself again.

 

 

Do you have codependent tendencies in a relationship? Are you a caretaker type person? It sounds like you are. She isn't ready for a relationship, I'm not sure you are ready for a healthy one. Your boundaries need setting.

[ciws14]

I think I do have a care-taker type of personality. My ex wife was basically like a child. I was used to that in all regards for nearly 15 years. I am a problem solver by nature and I guess like to help people out of their issues. Sometimes at my own expense I suppose.

 

 

Interesting that you would say that.

 

That really has me thinking now.

 

Are you of the same opinion of the no contact?

[Emilia]

I think I do have a care-taker type of personality. My ex wife was basically like a child. I was used to that in all regards for nearly 15 years. I am a problem solver by nature and I guess like to help people out of their issues. Sometimes at my own expense I suppose.

 

I think no contact would be good for your sake because this is not a route you want to carry going down on. Currently I'm reading this Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself: Amazon.co.uk: Melody Beattie: Books and I'd say have a look at it before you date again

[veggirl]

"What you have" ? What do you have, it's been one date. You guys have lust.

 

Just tell her that you aren't comfortable with this arrangement and to call you when she is over her ex if she is up for dating you then. And if you are single, you will take it from there.