My feelings for you today

[th90]

I was sitting in the lecture theater today when my heart felt so heavy and tears were quickly collecting in my eyes. I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths.

 

Then I remember. We were at your school's charity concert. It was in July 2005, just after my birthday. I was 15 and you, 16. You made me a belated birthday message on your phone. When I opened it, "Right here waiting" started playing instead of a birthday song. You left me guessing all night whether that was a hint. I tried to get your attention all night long. It was silly but I had a deep crush on you at that point.

 

I remember the night you told me over the phone, "I need to see you after school tomorrow. It's really important!". It was the longest wait I had for the next day to come, for the classes to end before I could meet you at the mall near our schools. It was unfortunate that your board meeting was extended and I waited for you all grumpy and anxious. The moment you came, my heart raced. It was funny how you took an entire hour to gather enough courage to make your confession and asked me to be your girlfriend.

 

I remember the first time we kissed. You were trying to do it at your best. It was the best kiss I ever had though you weren't very good at it because I finally knew I was kissing the right guy. I was sorry it wasn't my first kiss because it was your first. I was sorry you weren't the first, nor the second guy I kissed which was the reason why kissing never felt more right and better for me, all because of you.

 

I remember the first time you held me and embrace me in your strong very muscular arms. I never felt safer and more secure in my life.

 

The rest is history.

 

I opened my eyes feeling really calm and peaceful.

 

I feel that I'm able to let go of these now. I promise this would be the last time I relive our most innocent memories. Today, I thank you for breaking my heart. Otherwise, I would never have known and experienced the pain of a broken heart and wouldn't have been able to grow and become stronger than I was yesterday.

[itsmyfault]

Ahhhh...

 

You just reminded me of the start of my relationship.

It started off LDR, She was an old school friend who moved abroad.

We used to talk all day everyday, She'd call me when she was down or upset, Sometimes at like 3AM and I'd always answer.

 

When we first met I was so nervous, We'd built up such a bond but never mate eye contact before. The moment we met I could see she was just as nervous.

 

It was my first time I had really cared about someone, I was not her first boyfriend. When we lay at the end of her bed just starring into each other eyes I could see how happy she was, like she felt warm inside, something she hadn't felt before....

 

I can just smile at this memory, It's my fondest one I have.

 

I've let go of most of the others, It's weird now, I think about her every day still but I don't even know what im thinking about, It's like all im saying is her name and seeing her face. None of the Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda stuff.

[th90]

:)

 

I keep saying his name in my mind too. It's a habit for years but I'm making a conscious effort to stop myself from saying his name now.

[itsmyfault]

The Friday, Saturday and Sunday just gone I didn't even think about her once.

Then It gets to yesterday and I think to myself "I didn't think about her all weekend" and obviously this then sparks thought.

 

Something I have always had when we have spent time apart, I forget what she looks like, So all I see is her hair and a facial outline, no features.

 

I am enjoying having my bed to myself again though, I don't know why but when ever she stayed over I'd have trouble sleeping or have a bad nights sleep (waking up alot) I think I never really adjusted having someone there one week and then note for a few weeks.

[th90]

I get what you mean by not remembering how she looked like. After my ex and I started LDR, his facial features did get blurred out but I could remember his face. Not as bad as you haha.

 

Maybe you need a bigger bed? lol I think it was your subconscious knowing she was there and you wouldn't want to wake her up or disturb her sleep by rolling or adjusting or changing your position which was why you kept waking up.

[itsmyfault]

I guess that could be it, I never moaned about it though, I'd have much rather her been there than not!

 

How do you think LS is going for you? Do you think it is helping or hindering?

I feel sometimes its a good place to get stuff off of your chest but It may also be hindering moving on fully?

 

Its now like my Ex is LS and every time I come here to talk its like its at her, So its a reminder?

[th90]

LS is helping a lot. Whenever I need to vent or express myself LS is just the place. There's no way I could say these things to my ex but we need to be heard. We need to let people know our pain and seek comfort. It's true that LS does hinder us from fully moving on. Coming here is nothing but a reminder of our exes.

 

At the moment, I will still stick to LS especially when I have the urge to look at my exes facebook page. Read something on LS instead. The urge goes away when I see how people on LS are reminding us the consequences of our actions.

[itsmyfault]

Yeah, LS has been a huge help. I guess the only reason I'm still here is because I haven't found someone else to tango with..

 

I feel in myself that I'm over the break up, It's happened It hurt, It doesn't any more. I think the only way I will stop thinking about my Ex and truly let her go is when I find someone else. Until then I guess she will stay in my mind as she is the only person I can relate the the feelings I get?

 

I am I no rush, In fact I want some time on my own, to develop on new challenges I'm undertaking. Unfortunately I think she will stay in my mind until someone does walk into my life.

 

Something I do miss Is a close female friendship, I used to have quite a few when I was at school, ever since I left 4 or more years ago she was the only one.

[th90]

You're doing it right Now is the best time to discover ourselves and grow as an individual. I'm beginning to see all the good things that come out of this break up. Yes it hurts, like hell but it's part of life. We need to grow. You're a step ahead of me being that you're no longer hurting and over her. But I'll catch up

 

We will never forget our love, especially the serious ones. I still have a place in my heart for my first ex in the sense that I'll always be there for him as a friend if he ever needs me or my help. Getting over this current break up is just much harder because I thought he was the one and we were going great for 7 years.

 

Talking to opposite sex helps too. We express better. I hope you'll be able to find some female friends who can help you out on whatever it is.

[itsmyfault]

Your doing great considering. You were with someone for nearly a third of your life. It's nice to see you know you need to follow your head and not your heart.

 

This time is kind of exciting, in a messed up way. I'm becoming the sort of person I've always wanted to be, my confidence and social skills are a 1000 times better and I feel happy with myself. I'm setting myself up for a £££ career in IT an enjoying new experiences with friends. If you look at what you have done or achieved emotional since the break up I'm sure you will have surprised yourself!

 

I think I can say I've lost someone who loved me, but I've gained the love for myself I always needed.

[th90]

I haven't achieved anything but being in NC lets me find and discover myself better. I didn't know life was possible without him but it is, life didn't stop because he left me even if I wished so. I'm currently improving myself in spiritual and religious senses. I have always told my ex how much I wanted to do it but I never did because of all the happiness and comforts that he gave me. Now that he's gone, I seek salvation in these things.

 

Good luck in your new career btw!