People Who Burn Bridges

[truth_seeker]

I understand trying to move on quickly like pulling off a band aid, but there is also something called consideration. Just basic human decency. Call and cancel, even if it's a very obvious phony excuse. Say something, anything. Don't torch everything and show up the next day like you didn't totally just torch our relationship. Or if you plan to torch it, do it when you know we won't be seeing each other any more. That's where the immaturity part comes into play I think.

 

My answer: sh-t person = sh-t attitude. You're clearly better off without her.

[truth_seeker]

 

Or they just tell me i'm a totally different person these days which is probably the best in the way of an explanation your going to get from someone like that.

 

I'm able to forgive, but I won't forget & will burn my own bridge at the first sign of disrespect.

 

1) Very true. They pass on you for whatever reason (looks, another guy) but then come back wanting you (looks changed, single) and instead of being honest they make up excuses hoping you'll but it and go along with them.

 

2) I don't forget either. That's why it's hard for me to give someone a second chance.

[tman666]

Look at it this way: at least you have a LOUD AND CLEAR assessment of her interest level.

 

What burns me the most is when people flake out on plans at the last second and then pretend like they want to make new plans and see you again the next time they run into you.

 

"Oh heeyyyy! OMG that sucks that I had that other thing to go do, but we should totally hang out! I miss you! Call me, okay?"

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You've posted before about your attitude towards dating - that you provide a "once in a lifetime experience" for your dates and then you move on. Isn't this in itself a way of burning bridges, if the girl is someone you will see in your non-dating life?

[somedude81]

I think you should have talked to her in class the next time you saw her.

 

Kept your cool and made her feel like an ass.

[gaius]

I remember I had one ex who ****ed around with a guy I really didn't like. She could have kept it quiet but chose to inform me of it at every possible instance instead, which meant she wanted to get rid of me. I don't know what all this nonsense is about Castle's girl just being inconsiderate or not knowing what she is doing. Young people are often extremely adept at figuring out what behaviors get what reactions and using that information to manipulate others into the reaction they desire.

[pbjbear]

Now I was going to title this "young women who burn bridges" since those are the only people I've experienced this with, but to prevent a flame war, I'll keep it pc.

 

I'm just curious as to the thought process behind this. I'm talking about people who flake, knowing they have to see you at work or school a few days after. People that ignore your messages knowing they have to see you later on that week, etc.

 

I'm genuinely curious as to the psychology behind it. Do they look that far into the future? Do they realize "oh s***, if I do this, it's gonna be awkward when I see him next week". Do they live in the moment and not think about the consequences? Do they burn their bridges knowing full well they burned them but just don't care about the aftermath? Do they even feel like they've done wrong? Is it an entitlement issue? Do they feel they can treat people however they want with no consequences?

 

Have you ever burned a bridge with someone you had to see on a regular basis and if so, what was going through your mind at the time?

 

Or, have you ever had someome you had to interact with on a daily basis burn a bridge and if so, how did you handle it?

 

I did this a few times in highschool/early college with men for obvious reasons (immaturity). I didnt think ahead and I learned my lesson.

 

Now I am blatantly honest with everyone I date when I stop seeing them. I dont generally date men from work anymore. I just told a guy a few weeks ago I see regularly on a social basis that I dont like him in a boyfriend way. And guess what? Its still incredibly awkward and other people got pissed I was that forward. But at least he knows whats going on and its really better for me- because now I dont have to worry about wearing a mask.

 

These people probably dont think about the future or if they do, it doesnt bother them enough to stop them from flaking. I think alot of people have pride/entitlement issues...afterall my generation is known as the Narcissist Generation.

[TheZebra]

I don't understand why people do that either. You have no idea how many guys have done the same thing to me... instead of being open and honest about how they feel, they just rather do something weird, like not respond instead. I mean, if a guy I didn't like came up to me and asked me out I wouldn't go so far as to plan something, I'd just tell him straight up that I appreciate his interest but I don't feel the same way. Maybe that's just me, but I don't find that awkward at all the next time I see them. When and if I see them next I'll just remember them as the person who used to like me and that's it. No hard feelings, nothing.

 

I mean, do you really want someone pining over you for months, thinking they have a chance? I don't, so I just end it so that they don't have to go through that agony after continuously getting more attracted to me.

[Brit]

I believe it is really difficult to burn a bridge, if the burned bridge really desires you and cares for you deeply, otherwise any slight can or will be perceived as justification for cutting/jetting out of another's life. It wasn't that important to begin with.

[fortyninethousand322]

Have you ever burned a bridge with someone you had to see on a regular basis and if so, what was going through your mind at the time?

 

In high school a guy I was friends with and had known for a few years (we'll call him "John") was in my group in science class (for projects and lab work and such things). Now I am not all that great in math but I try my best, sometimes though I need a little help with the calculations. Me and another guy in the group were getting some help from some of the other guys in our lab group, and "John" decided that it was occasion to call the two of us "lazy". I flicked him off and told him to f-himself, right in the middle of the lab.

 

This was senior year and we had about a month left of school and he was in two of my classes. I did not care.

 

This, by the way was not a spur of the moment thing. This guy had gone off the reservation for months. Saying things like people were spreading rumors about him and how people were trying to steal his girlfriend or forcing him to be too social. And calling me lazy was just intolerable. He didn't even show up a single time to work on the semester project. I was having none of that.

 

A few months later we were both at a end of summer/going away to college party thrown by a mutual friend. He came up to me and said we should play video games together (with mutual friends of ours) sometime. I nodded and said "yeah sure" and that's the last I've seen or heard of him.

[FitChick]

Wait a minute. Did I miss something or did you forget to tell us something? You confirmed with her the day before, i.e. "Are we on for tomorrow? Where do you want to meet and at what time?" or "What time should I pick you up?" Plans were made and firmed up. Then you never showed up because you were so insecure that you expected her to reconfirm your confirmation! She thinks you flaked on her. That is what I would have thought.

[TheZebra]

Wait a minute. Did I miss something or did you forget to tell us something? You confirmed with her the day before, i.e. "Are we on for tomorrow? Where do you want to meet and at what time?" or "What time should I pick you up?" Plans were made and firmed up. Then you never showed up because you were so insecure that you expected her to reconfirm your confirmation! She thinks you flaked on her. That is what I would have thought.

 

When I read his post I understood it as her not showing up and not giving any excuses for it. At least, that's how I read it?

[MrCastle]

Wait a minute. Did I miss something or did you forget to tell us something? You confirmed with her the day before, i.e. "Are we on for tomorrow? Where do you want to meet and at what time?" or "What time should I pick you up?" Plans were made and firmed up. Then you never showed up because you were so insecure that you expected her to reconfirm your confirmation! She thinks you flaked on her. That is what I would have thought.

 

Nope. I said "10:00pm, is that cool?" she said "Yeah totally", she lives in the city, I don't. I told her "Need me to pick you up?" (I've done it before) she said "No I'll meet you there".

 

Thankfully, some of my friends were at a bar a few blocks away, I figured if she flaked I'd just meet up with them. Waited outside the place I was supposed to meet up with the girl at for 20 minutes. Called her and texted her at 10, no response. Tried it once more at 10:20, nothing. Left to go hang out with my friends.

[Under The Radar]

Nope. I said "10:00pm, is that cool?" she said "Yeah totally", she lives in the city, I don't. I told her "Need me to pick you up?" (I've done it before) she said "No I'll meet you there".

 

Thankfully, some of my friends were at a bar a few blocks away, I figured if she flaked I'd just meet up with them. Waited outside the place I was supposed to meet up with the girl at for 20 minutes. Called her and texted her at 10, no response. Tried it once more at 10:20, nothing. Left to go hang out with my friends.

 

 

Yep, she burned that bridge and then some.

 

I'm not even a Scorpio (I'm a Taurus for all you ladies who might be interested ) and I'd never speak to her again.

 

Sorry this happened to you .

[MrCastle]

Yep, she burned that bridge and then some.

 

I'm not even a Scorpio (I'm a Taurus for all you ladies who might be interested ) and I'd never speak to her again.

 

Sorry this happened to you .

 

Thanks. My friends being a few blocks away softened the blow. I just met up with them and had some drinks and overall had a pretty cool time. Real friends are always there for you.

 

I was furious the night it happened as well as the next morning when I woke up expecting a lengthy text apology or explanation and got none but then I looked at it like this--someone with that kind of character is not someone I'd like to have around. Unreliable, immature, selfish, inconsiderate, etc. Really, any of those labels fit what she did. Someone with major flaws like that would have spelled trouble down the road and I'm glad I found out sooner before I got attached.

[todreaminblue]

I see what you mean. It's not just the not being interested part that make is burning the bridge...it's the making plans then just not showing up that does it. I think it's a matter of age. Younger men and women just don't think that far ahead. They value time differently.

 

It could also be a consequence of our online dating, social networking, "plenty of fish" culture. If someone is used to handling interpersonal difficulty by simply fading out, blocking, ignoring they won't know how to work any other way.

 

 

i think you do value time your own and others as you age, and as you age you coem across peopel who waste yours so you know how it feels.....life is so short.....i want to make more time for myself to live it in the days i am here.....and i wan tto feel good while spending that tiem with soemoen i dotn want to waste anyones precious time if i am not interested....making plans with them when i want to spend it with someone else.....its a waste and a bit sad.....deb

[Brit]

How much of a foundation did you have prior to this, if a one time deal, I believe it is referred to as being stood up.

[MrCastle]

How much of a foundation did you have prior to this, if a one time deal, I believe it is referred to as being stood up.

 

Flirted heavily in class, talked to each other every few days, went out a few times with a lot of touching. Overall she seemed into me and vice versa.

[Under The Radar]

How much of a foundation did you have prior to this, if a one time deal, I believe it is referred to as being stood up.

 

Sure, but even being "Stood Up" by a complete stranger (like a blind date) is rude, selfish, and inconsiderate (barring an emergency).

 

It only takes a minute to call or text someone your disinterest/cancellation.

 

She accepted his proposal to meet up, acknowledged his confirmation, and subsequently "Blew Him Off". That's pretty ****ed up in my book regardless of their history (whether existent or not).

 

Like MrCastle said, it's her loss and it just saved him time from learning her self centered tendencies in the future.

[MrCastle]

Sure, but even being "Stood Up" by a complete stranger (like a blind date) is rude, selfish, and inconsiderate (barring an emergency).

 

It only takes a minute to call or text someone your disinterest/cancellation.

 

She accepted his proposal to meet up, acknowledged his confirmation, and subsequently "Blew Him Off". That's pretty ****ed up in my book regardless of their history (whether existent or not).

 

Like MrCastle said, it's her loss and it just saved him time from learning her self centered tendencies in the future.

 

Exactly. How long I've known her or to what extent our relationship goes plays no role here. You don't do what she did to anybody. Whether you've known them ten days or ten years.

[gaius]

Castle, no offense but you probably missed some warning signs that something like this would happen. I notice around here if a woman gives you a little attention you will reply to 10 posts of hers without a suitable response back. Which is not stimulating to a woman. I would not be surprised if you continued that kind of trying too hard behavior with women offline as well. Texting her twice when she's late without explanation is a subtle example of this. It's her responsibility to contact you if she is running late. You met disrespect with attention and eagerness. I bet if you continued to share your story with this woman we would see more examples.

 

I'll give up after this post for a while because you seem determined to shift all the blame onto this girl while ignoring whatever part you may have played in this. All while calling HER a narcissist. I wonder if you even really want to successfully date a woman or not.

[Under The Radar]

Castle, no offense but you probably missed some warning signs that something like this would happen. I notice around here if a woman gives you a little attention you will reply to 10 posts of hers without a suitable response back. Which is not stimulating to a woman. I would not be surprised if you continued that kind of trying too hard behavior with women offline as well. Texting her twice when she's late without explanation is a subtle example of this. It's her responsibility to contact you if she is running late. You met disrespect with attention and eagerness. I bet if you continued to share your story with this woman we would see more examples.

 

I'll give up after this post for a while because you seem determined to shift all the blame onto this girl while ignoring whatever part you may have played in this. All while calling HER a narcissist. I wonder if you even really want to successfully date a woman or not.

 

Nope, she blew him off without having the common courtesy to cancel.

 

He doesn't shoulder any of the blame because she is immature and selfish.

 

Sorry, but you are wrong ...

[Mrlonelyone]

I agree with part of what Gaius has said.

 

IME one has to pay more attention to what someone does than what they say. i.e. body language, posture, choices made. If a woman says "I can't date you", "I have a boyfriend", I don't like you.... when coming up for air as the give you a BJ. Believe the BJ. Ok. It's usually not that blatant.

 

On the flip side, someone who says they like you, love you, calls you their boyfriend/girlfriend...but keeps their distance from you, does not like you.

[MrCastle]

Castle, no offense but you probably missed some warning signs that something like this would happen. I notice around here if a woman gives you a little attention you will reply to 10 posts of hers without a suitable response back. Which is not stimulating to a woman. I would not be surprised if you continued that kind of trying too hard behavior with women offline as well. Texting her twice when she's late without explanation is a subtle example of this. It's her responsibility to contact you if she is running late. You met disrespect with attention and eagerness. I bet if you continued to share your story with this woman we would see more examples.

 

I'll give up after this post for a while because you seem determined to shift all the blame onto this girl while ignoring whatever part you may have played in this. All while calling HER a narcissist. I wonder if you even really want to successfully date a woman or not.

 

Pretty interesting accusations, none of them truthful.

 

I flirt with women on here all the time, and they respond in turn. It is what it is. I don't take the internet as seriously as some, so for the most part I'm playful and silly when it comes to talking to them on here. Don't see how or why that's a problem or what that has to do with the topic of this thread but whatever.

 

In regards to these supposed warning signs, or stuff that I may have done wrong, let's look at the facts here, which I've already laid out but let's go over them again.

 

-me and the girl (I thought) shared a mutual attraction

-communication was pretty even, meaning some days she would text or call me first or vice versa

-lots of laughs and touching on the previous times we went out together

-asked her at the beginning of the week to go out, which she agreed to

-asked a few hours before we met if we were still on for the time we set at the beginning of the week, she said yes

-texted her "alright i'm here" at the time we agreed, waited 20 minutes and texted "you on your way?", both to no avail. Went to hang with my friends

 

I fail to see what I did wrong but if you want to marginalize the purely selfish and immature actions of a girl you've never met, you are perfectly in your right to do that.

[AlexDP]

Now I was going to title this "young women who burn bridges" since those are the only people I've experienced this with, but to prevent a flame war, I'll keep it pc.

 

 

I have never flaked on anyone, but I have burnt bridges. I thought long and hard about it and decided that it would be best for everyone involved if we completely disappeared out of each other's lives. I've only done it with two or three people though.